Dear Sister,

My older sister passed away in October. These are my letters and poems for her.

[letterstojmr]

It’s been awhile, Sister. It’s not that i haven’t had much to say... it’s basically the opposite. There’s so much i want to share with you. You would be so proud of me. Ive made some really fabulous friends over the past year. I wish you could know them. My heart hurts that they will never know you. I have a good job and a pretty good life. Your baby girl turned ten today. God, she’s getting so big. S has her so fucking brainwashed against us. and John has a little baby girl now, You would be so fucking pissed. She’s got a giant fucking alien head and looks just like him. He wont speak to me anymore. Nen is in jail again. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT HOW COULD YOU BOTH BE SO GODDAMN STUPID ?!?!?! jfc. i miss you so fucking much. Daddy might be getting his liver transplant soon and Aunt L had a heart attack yesterday. god, everything is so fucked up. 

[letterstojmr]

I wrote this before you died.

What do you say to the people you always wanted to be when they turn into exactly who you never wanted to be?  Because first and foremost, i want to say I love you. I have loved you for my entire life and I will continue to love you for the rest of it.  Growing up, you two seemed to have it all. You never listened to dad when he said to be home by dark and to a smaller, naive version of myself you were two of the coolest girls in our little town. I guess that’s also about when you started experimenting with drugs. We live in an area where there wasn’t much else besides sneaking beer and trying a wide variety of mind altering substances on the weekends. You were a teenager, it’s what happens when you think you’re old enough to choose. And then you started bringing your 12 year old sister along for the ride. I remember her bragging about being the “xannie Queen” since around that time. It started out as a rebellion against our suddenly religious father, I’m sure and over the years progressed into both of you,  addicted to opiates.  I don’t know how or why it’s taken our family this long to see you for what you really are, daughters who think they are too weak to over come such a blinding need. You are not weak, you could find a way to be clean but you choose your habit over your children every single day.  I hate you both for bringing two of the most beautiful children into this world and leading them through this path of destruction. You don’t even see how your decisions are affecting them. they will grow into adults who think that behaving like you is okay. They learn from you and still, you are selfish and lack the mental capacity to feel sympathy for anyone but yourselves. I have watched you both lie and steal and cheat to get your drugs. You’ve lied and stolen countless times to me and I have refused to take part in your games of deceit. I have lost countless moments worrying over the two of you. Many nights were spent just waiting for a phone call saying that you had overdosed or bracing myself to walk through either of your front doors, praying that I wasn’t going to find you lying somewhere with a needle in your arm and no life in your eyes. I’ve watched you nod out, fucked up in percocet and I’ve seen you withdrawing too. It hurts me to watch you like that, I’m not so heartless as you think. I want nothing more than to protect you from your hurt. The difference is in knowing that you chose a feeling first and later, the chemicals themselves. 

[letterstojmr]

Me: 4/28/16

As you may know, or have read in the poetry I’ve been writing over the past few months, tomorrow will mark six months since I lost my older sister to heroin addiction. After losing honestly, the most important person in my life, I decided to leave my hometown and move 100 miles away to live with my younger sister and seek treatment for my ongoing battle with depression and anxiety. Losing Jade is honestly like losing the biggest part of myself, most days I still don’t believe it is even real. If you know meat all, you know I carry my emotions on my sleeve, but with this it’s been mostly me just crying, angry, and devastated alone in my bedroom. I don’t reach out when I need someone, my friends have all stopped checking in. I’m in this perpetual cycle of devastation at the loss of my best friend and this joy that I finally left home and am living my life, even if i’m not actually doing much outside of work and reading novels in my bed.

[letterstojmr]

According to the calendar and social media, today is National Siblings day. Naturally, I’m reminded of you. I’m thinking about all of the lessons you’ve taught me throughout my life. You were my biggest influence. As a child I understood you as only a girl can understand her oldest sister. As I grew into a teenager, you understood me in such a way only an older sister could. You showed me blink 182 and Eminem, the art of the high ponytail, blue eye shadow goes with EVERYTHING, and flirting is just human nature. I learned how to be a server by watching you. Watching you is how I learned most things. You loved me unconditionally. I miss you so much that it hurts. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I hate that I couldn’t fight your demons for you. I just want you to know that I love you, always. You were my person. Thank you for always teaching me.

[letterstojmr]

I’m feeling lost without you. I changed my mind about that boy i told you about in my last letter. you know how quickly I can go from wanting someone to just not. You never judged me on the way i feel about relationships and guys in general. I wish you were here so I wasn’t so absolutely terrified of letting anyone get close to me. If I hadn’t lost you my head wouldn’t be this messy. I’d still know who I am, but losing you took a huge part of me away too. God, I miss you. I miss your personality, I think that hit me the hardest because we were so much alike. I feel like i’m no longer the version of myself that I was when you were here.

i love you, seester

[letterstojmr]

I met a man the other day… You would like him I think. First you’d ask if I shaved my legs for him and then you would tease me about his height. He’s only a little taller than I am. But you would tell me not to worry about that. He’s really sweet to me, sister. He wants to take me out and show me the city. He actually calls me when he says he will, even if I dont ask him to. Pretty soon Im going to have to have a discussion about addiction with him. Ill have to ask him if he’s into more than just smoking L’s. Im not ready to tell him about everything yet but you know I wont date someone who fucks around with that shit. Especially not after what happened to you. Im a little scared. I want him to know about you and how much you mean to me but the weight of your death is the heaviest part of my soul and I cant talk about it without crying and i am not ready for that. I feel guilty, like youre a secret I need to keep. Youre not, your absense has just left a hole in my heart and Im trying not to push that pain on anyone else. I wish you were here so you could tell me what to do. You always knew just what to say when I started acting this way about a man. You knew better than anyone how rare it is for me to even talk about potentially dating someone. We were so alike on almost everything except for the fact that you loved being in love and I preferred to keep my connections strictly sexual. Shit, I honestly just miss everything about you, about us, about OUR bond. You were everything I always wanted to be. I still cant believe youre gone.

I love you forever and always, Seester.

[letterstojmr]

Everytime something funny happens at work my first reaction is to text or call you. You would love this place. Everyone is so goofy, you'd fit right in. I miss going to work and seeing you. I miss not even having to say a word and no matter what, you knew what i was thinking. I miss laughing with you about the other girls. I wish i could sneak up the stairs again and smoke a j with you. I wish i could even just hold your hand one more time. God i miss you. I love you always, seester.

[letterstojmr]

Today i went through an album filled with pictures of the new years eve we spent getting fucked up at seany o's. Truth be told, we got fucked up a lot. Sometimes i feel guilty that I never said no when you offered me a line but my trust in you was unwavering. You never let anything bad happen, never giving me more than my body could handle. And fuck, it was fun. It was easier to be stranded in the valley if we were out of our minds on adderall or percocets or a lot of times, xanax. We werent hurting anyone, just letting loose. If only i realised then that your recreational use was more a hidden addiction even though you never really hid the withdrawl from me. If only i could have known that in the last days of my twenty second year, addiction would lay you to eternal sleep. Im sorry i didn't notice when you started using heroin. That I wasnt around like i had been before. You always used to tell me I was your rock. I got you through when you were most alone but im starting to realise i didnt. You used the pills and the dope and they just sucked you further into the hole. I love you. I miss you. Love, Betzer.

[jeunes-dieux]

Dad just called, he told me the story of how 31 years ago today you came into this world as he watched. He was so scared, even after 2 other children he was a nervous wreck. We cried together. We talked about how sad we are that you are not here. I miss you so much that it hurts to breathe, he misses you a million times more. My heart hurts without you, it is broken for dad and for lyla; one without his daughter, the other without her mother. Im sorry I couldnt save you, I keep thinking if only I’d tried harder. Im sorry that your mind was so fixated on getting high that it robbed you of who you were. I wish i could have taken that pain from you. I love you always, sister. Happy 31st Birthday.

[letterstojmr]

With one phone call my world fractured, a short drive to the ER and it had shattered Im used to tears and the ever present sadness But nothing feels as devastating As the moment I lost you I stared at you, lying there Your fingers turning blue I felt your skin grow cold I kissed your forehead, your cheek, Your beautiful blue eyes Hidden behind lids never opening again My tears fell onto your face, in your hair, They soaked part of your hospital gown I begged for you to wake up Please, I pleaded I couldn't believe that I would never See you smile, hear your laugh, your voice again. You fell in love with a monster And he made you believe He was all you'd ever need, With a tiny prick, he took you away from me This monster stole everything you had to give, Your little girl, your faith, your family, Until he took the last thing you could give I think about those last moments Before he sucked you all the way in Were you scared? Alone?  Did you see it coming Or was it quick?