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@letterstomycat
30 dec 2025 / 219am
dear angel,
today is my birthday.
on christmas i clicked on an old folder of photos and coincidentally they opened up on christmas photos of you. you were sleeping peacefully with your paw on the ball that i gifted you. you really were the sweetest cat i've ever known.
i hope you are with me wherever i go, with whoever im with.
all i can think about is how much light everyone will never get to see from having never gotten the chance to meet you.
7 june 2022 / 1057pm
dear angel,
a lot has happened since we last spoke, or maybe it’s just because i took so long to write to you. i’m sorry, i never feel like i have the strength.
i finally went back to san francisco last month to get the rest of the stuff i left behind. i’d felt excited about going back to the west coast, but when i got there it wasn’t the same. because the last time i lived there, i was in college, and i had friends, and i had you. i was different, too. not just younger but... happy, maybe. like i felt like we finally found a place where we belong.
maybe it’s because you’re gone now, but there’s something different about the sun over there. it’s not as bright. the places i used to go are just places now, everything slightly askew, like it tried to put itself together from my memory, but it can’t because there are pieces of san francisco that i’ll never get back.
i miss you. the old suitcases from almost a decade ago had some of your things in them. cat hair, too. i’d almost forgotten how much it was, how it stuck to every single thing i owned... how normal that was. even now, there are hairs that i find from time to time, but i fear that i’m almost at the point where i’ll finally get rid of the last one and it’ll be like we were never together.
i wish i could go back to the old days. to the dorms, to the friends who got to meet you and hang out during the parties. you in your little bow tie, us hiding in our bunk beds, taking in the sun at my drawing desk, the wide open space; everything i’d ever wanted for you. i wish i could have given you more, the world isn’t enough.
it’s crazy how much things change, how quickly it changes but how long it takes to realize that it’s happened. i can’t believe that it’s already been almost ten years since we landed in the airport, waited for the train. i think i had a lot of dreams then. i think i believed i could reach them, too. you made me feel like i could do anything.
but you’re gone, and the sun is behind a screen, and the buildings are out of sequence, and the plane back to new york city left me empty.
i hope some of my happiest memories were also yours. i hope you had a good birthday month this may, too. i thought about it every single day but i just didn’t know what to say to you. and i could cry honestly, because i lost count already with how old you would have been if i didn’t have to send you away.
next month will be three years since you died.
i wish there was something useful i could say, but i still need you.
10 jan 2022 / 1217am
dear angel,
happy new years. i have covid, and it hasn’t been a very happy one for me. it’s been nothing but terrible, and i am angry.
i’m trying very hard to hold onto that, because i think if i let it become sadness i won’t be strong enough to keep myself alive.
1 sept 2021 / 656pm
dear angel,
it’s been seventeen years since we met.
an august seventeen years ago i held you in my hands for the first time, and i have loved you ever since. seventeen years, two of which you are dead, and already the anniversary dates almost slip me by as if my grief isn’t making me ache every single day.
i hate it so much, i hate forgetting.
i want to remember the way your fur felt against my palm, your meow, the little things you used to do that were unique to you, the things we used to talk about.
i’ve already lost so much, and i just keep losing more.
what else can i lose in my grief?
why is there no way to keep you from dying in the only ways i still have you left?
i need you here with me. i will never be able to do very well without you.
every day is the question of how long i will keep putting myself up to it.
angel, my everything. come back.
20 may 2021 / 630pm
dear angel,
i read today that you can die of a broken heart. like, really. medically. you can be so sad that your heart collapses from the weight of it all. i have told myself before that this grief could kill me, that this would kill me.
after a while, i convinced myself that my pain was just words for these letters. but i knew better.
so i don’t really know why i was surprised at this information, i am well aware of my own dying.
i have loved you more than anyone has ever loved anything, any heartbeat i’ve had since has just been noise.
31 january 2021 / 122 am
dear angel,
tomorrow i’ll be living in a place you’ve never been to. i feel sad leaving this place, it’s the last place we were ever together. every time i move now, you won’t be with me anymore. forever.
the places might as well mean nothing. i will always just be moving somewhere out of reach from you.
i wish it wasn’t like this.
31 december 2020 / 1151 pm
dear angel,
we’ve reached the end of the year, but i dont think this will be my last one, anymore. every day i miss you, it’s a struggle not to give in and leave, but it’s gotten easier to stay. i can’t always promise that my grief won’t immobilize me, but for now, i think i’m okay, at least a little bit.
sometimes i feel like you’ve put things into motion after your absence, and it’s just the kind of thoughtful gesture that i’d have a hard time disputing.
i know by now that you’re probably back in the world as someone else, something else. but i know you’re helping whoever you’re with and i wish you the best. i really do.
i will always love you, to my death, to my next life, and beyond that.
so wherever you are in the world, i hope you’re safe and surrounded by love, just the way you deserve to be.
happy new year, angel.
wish you were here.
29 october 2020 / 449pm
dear angel,
i keep trying to fill up the space where you used to be, but with each conversation, each animal i see, each feeling that almost makes me forget my grief, all i can think is - it’s not you.
nothing will ever be you again.
how can i live with that?
10 oct 2020 / 157am
dear angel,
it was a nice outside today. i wanted to take it all in, but i couldn’t feel it like i used to. like everything good i’d ever experienced was already behind me.
nothing will ever be beautiful to me again, and it scares me.
18 september 2020 / 343pm
dear angel,
i will never be whole again.
15 july 2020 / 1146 pm
dear angel,
its been one year. im staying at a hotel midtown because im a coward. i dont really know what to say. i thought i would be more of a mess today but i think ive been forcing myself to be more held together than usual just because of the date.
im still sorry. im still thinking about the end, and how you were scared, and how i couldn’t do better. i will always be sorry.
im drunk now, but i miss you. every fucking day i miss you. you should be here, and you’re not. the world should be kinder but it isn’t. i want to destroy everything because you’re gone. i cant think of any way else to live. i still want to die. this is still supposed to be my last year...
please. please... i don’t know. just, be here. don’t leave me. please.
please.
29 june 2020 / 641 pm
dear angel,
i haven’t been here because it’s been too painful to think about, more so than usual. it’s only about two more weeks until marking one year since you’ve been gone. and i guess i feel ashamed because nothings better. nothing. and things are only seeming to get worse... there’s no reason for me to keep being here without you.
i could really use your kindness. your softness. your love.
im just... so sad. and i don’t know how to keep other people from breaking my heart.
i don’t want to live in this world.
9 june 2020 / 433 pm
dear angel,
this letter is coming later than planned because i’ve been too tired. every day the world descends closer to ruin and it takes me as much work trying to hold it together as it does to fight the fight. maybe more.
police brutality comes in massive droves now in wake of the civil rights protests. things are brutal and scary. since my last time writing you, i’ve been out in the streets risking my life with all the other people fighting for change. you wouldn't believe all the hate there is out there in the world, all of the cruelty. you’ve never seen it, and i hope in all of your lives that you never do. you are soft and small and not made for dystopia. but maybe if you were still here i would have a reason to care about protecting myself, because i’d know that there was someone at home that needed me and was waiting for me to come back.
i guess what i’m saying is, it doesn’t matter at this point what happens to me; any fight could be my last and it’d be okay.
28 may 2020 / 828pm
dear angel,
yesterday was my graduation.
it took place in my room with low quality, pre-recorded youtube messages because the world is still in a pandemic and social gatherings are banned. so it should go without saying that there wasn’t really anything positively memorable about it. it feels bad, to be honest. i worked so hard to get here, after giving up so many times before. i’ve never even been able to imagine what it would have been like to walk across the stage at graduation to receive my bachelors, and now i never will.
you were supposed to be here for this. you’ve been with me through all these years, with me on my flights across the country, rooming with me in my dorm rooms, living with various roommates while i tried to figure it all out. you should have been able to see how it ends.
it should have been something special. instead it was taken from me, like everything else.
i wish this letter could be happier but i’m just tired, and alone, and sore from over-drinking. i’d like to think it was because i wanted to celebrate, but i know it was so i would be too drunk to think about how unfair life has been to me. it was nice to pretend for a while, though. it would be nice to still pretend. because i keep trying to make things mean something, but they never do. your death, my graduation... it makes no difference. it all just hurts.
as always.
11 may 2020 / 234pm
dear angel,
its your birthday month. i hate how the realization creeped up on me, unsuspecting. i hate how it could have passed me by.
this is the month something so beautiful was made sixteen years ago. just thinking about you being born into the world could make me cry. i don’t think the universe could replicate that. i don’t think it would matter, either.
the best part of me is gone.
it might as well not even be may, it might as well not even be spring.
8 may 2020 / 209 am
dear angel,
i’d do anything for you. i miss feeling like that. i miss loving someone so much; having someone that means more to me than the world ending, than death. now these are the only things that matter to me.
i will never love anything as much as i have loved you. it’s not surprising to me that the next best thing is the end.
i’d do anything to be with you again.
4 may 2020 / 641 pm
dear angel,
the weather’s been getting nicer lately, and pretty soon it’ll be summer. every day i get closer to the one-year mark of you being gone. i don’t know what will happen when i get there. how has it already been a year? how has it only been a year? sometimes it feels like your absence is so sharp, so vivid, so painful. other times i get the foggy sensation that you were never really here at all. it is always heavy no matter which way my grief lands.
i think it will always be there. i will always miss you. i will never be able to love anything as much as i loved you. you were my most precious thing, my softness, my light.
when i come across other cats, i try to make it mean something.
i talk to them, and pet them---but they are just cats.