On Promises
Dear Daughters,
Recently, the younger between you made a promise to me, that I would be allowed to put you both to sleep for four days starting Saturday night, in return for allowing your mother to fulfil that same role for the four days prior. I had challenged the promise, because she had made many promises before and not kept them - I told her that she had that habit, and that she should not be making them if she cannot fulfil them. The response was to ask to give her a chance, and that she would keep it this time, and so I conceded.
On Sunday, your mother interjected, saying that she would put you both to sleep, and the younger of you promptly forgot her promise. In my disappointment, I was upset, and gave a short reprimand on why she needed to learn to keep promises. She cried, and was upset, and if I may be honest, I was upset and disappointed too, all the way into the morning, because putting you both to sleep is something I greatly enjoy, in addition to the principle of having promises broken.
—————————
Promises, my dears, are one of the means by which trust is created or broken. I would like to think most of us make them with the intention to keep them, but there are some who do so merely to create the impression that there is a future return to their action, and I will talk about that later. I, too, have broken promises gravely, and have had trust broken that will never be repaired, and I, too, have had promises given to me broken.
I think, while keeping promises is important, equally important is the ability to repair what was broken, and to make amends. I do not think it is just about returning to the original promise - having broken it, more is demanded in compensation, because you not only have not delivered what was agreed, you have also caused an inconvenience at the very least, and a heartbreak at the worst. I have been the perpetrator as well as recipient of broken promises of both extreme degrees, so I feel that I do have the grounds to say this - and I would hold myself to the same.
The other thing is that broken promises suffer no extra punishment other than what you must return and repair - I think one devious tool that ill-meaning people will do is to hold that over you, and constantly pull your guilt on that to get you to give in to them in future. Love does not do that; love is not resentful, and while it does remember what you have done to them, it also does not keep you in perpetual punishment for it - if you are ever in a relationship where every mistake, every broken promise, every misstep, is tangled over your head whenever they feel like it, then that is not a relationship you want to remain in, for multiple reasons. I have had that relationship with your mother, and while I have broken the more sacred of promises, she has also broken her share of promises.
Are bigger broken promises more severe? As one who has broken big and small promises alike, as I think most of us have at some point whether they admit it or not, I have to say that yes, the bigger the promise, the more severe the fallout, and I think by the time you read this, you would know the full story of my biggest broken promise. But small promises, left unkept, left unfulfilled, breed a ground in which retaliation of bigger broken promises return the “favour”; they do not justify anyone’s broken promise - and again, if someone uses that as justification to be absolved (i.e. not blamed) for their actions, then you should know that person is toxic, no matter who he or she is. Every relationship has two parts to it, and those who cannot see their part in any event are likely to never see their own part in any failure, only the credit that they would claim, whether rightly so or not.
But I digress.
Promises should be tried to be kept, and if not, should you feel guilty about it, that is reasonable too - those who do not intend to keep them and are making performative action (in other words, they make a promise only for appearances, and never keep it, likely making excuses for why they cannot keep them).
There are instances where promises are not kept, but cannot be blamed for not being kept - there are times where I said we would go swimming, but rain and thunder ensued, and we could not. When there are things beyond a person’s control, that render the promise impossible or unreasonably difficult to keep, then I think it should not be held against them. It is unfair for us if we force them to keep promises which then cause them further unnecessary debt in time, money, or energy - there is always room for empathy and compassion.
—————————
By the end of the day, after I’d come back from work, I’d weaned off my upset-ness, and the younger among you offered a course of action as penance. I told her that this should not feel like a punishment - there are consequences to all actions, but punishments are not always necessary. Consequences and punishments are not the same thing; consequences are simply what happens as a result, punishments are meted by others in addition to that. You can think of it in this way - consequences are natural occurrences, but punishments are dished out by other humans, often deterrent, vindictive, suppressive, or punitive.
Whatever the case, always remember that there is nothing that either of you can do that will stop me from loving you. I have cared for you from the first day you were born, through sleepless nights and anxious days, through fun romps and hospital visits, and there is nothing sustainable that I would not do to be with you.
I love you 3000,
Dad