Letters to My Friends

[letterstomyfri3nds]

I miss you, more than words could say.

If you had a grave, it would be a place of pilgrimage for me.

I'm so embarrassed at where I am in my life right now.

Handwashing clothes because I don't have a washer or dryer and my car needs more work than I can afford while my new manager is slashing my shifts. I only have one work shirt and one pair of jeans that I can wear to work, so I have to wash them constantly.

I'm going to have to stay the night at my (freaking amazing) friend's house who invited me over for Thanksgiving just so I can cash my paycheck, get to work and make a late payment the next morning before my car gets repossessed.

It's humiliating struggling constantly. I wake up every morning crying and feeling like a complete loser while simultaneously trying everything I can come up with to get by.

Everyone I know lives with their parents, a partner, multiple roommates and I'm just here, slipping further and further by myself. I've searched for a roommate for years. I'm sure it's my personality that makes people dislike the idea. I've offered to pay most of the rent and bills, solely cook, clean, etc.

I've lost so many people since my eviction last year who stood by and watched me struggle, who shamed me for their assumption that other people help pay my bills and rent each month, who refused to come next door to watch my daughter for 20 minutes while I took things across the street to a storage unit because they had a work party to get ready for.

I wish you were still here, even though I'm wishing it for selfish reasons. You would have had no problem keeping me company on the phone while I'm doing laundry by hand. You'd remind me that I'm a damn good mom for doing whatever I have to. I'll miss you forever, big brother 💔🙏 keep watch over all of us

[letterstomyfri3nds]

Today was a series of knives in my heart. It's been so long since I've struggled this badly, except now I'm doing it with a little one and without any friends left 💔

I used to refuse to buy McDonald's but today we went there just so I could have a slight break from cooking and cleaning more before we went to the laundromat because it was the only thing I could afford. I know you would have told me to brush it off and pointed out how much fun my kid was having and that's what I tried to keep in mind.

I drove to the Walgreens right next to the laundromat to pull out cash from the ATM and pick up some laundry detergent since I was out. Walgreens commonly uses ATMs that don't charge a fee, which is a small grace. The ATM was out of service. I drove back towards the Walgreens closer to where we live and had to stop for gas along the way. A little over $15. I'll have to do some DoorDashing in between work shifts this weekend to make sure I have enough gas to make it back and forth, plus start tackling the two disconnection notices I have currently.

When I got to the next Walgreens and began going through the ATM menu, I realized that it was a different type and they wanted to charge me $3.95 to withdraw from it. I declined and continued to the laundry detergent, looking at the prices and sizes of what they had. Through the roof, of course. I finally decided that I'd just buy some detergent and hand wash a few pieces of clothing for the time being until I wouldn't be spending my last dime at the laundromat.

I miss you so much 😢 😞 😔 you never made me feel like I was out of place, no matter what kind of struggle I was going through or how I wanted to handle it.

I'm so grateful that you made sure we reconnected when you recognized me. I only wish that we had more time before you were gone.

I miss so much the days when I knew that I could look forward to taking a break from my dishes when you came by and force you into trying some cookies I just made. That was the time period when I found the oatmeal raisin recipe that I still use. I wish to God you were still here, I'd make you a different variety of cookies every damned week. I love you so much and I'll see you around 💔🥂

[letterstomyfri3nds]

This blog is meant to be a series of letters I'll never send.

Letters to old friends, current ones, people who were never friends, friends who have died. To family members, to old coworkers, to people I I only met once.

The common thread in all of them is that these are things left unsaid, for one reason or another.

I'll keep names out of it but other than that, these stories are my own and honest in their telling.