The Only Exception
I loved a guy once,
An unforgiving statement for an assured lesbian,
But it is the truth and therefore I must voice it.
He was simple and so was our love.
It was a secret love,
No one could ever know,
And no one was meant to know.
Our love was hidden behind other peoples
Embarrassment and teenage insecurities,
But it was there–
Existent and thriving under everything we were going through.
And now that it is gone;
I don’t know who I am or what I want.
But I know what I can be for other people.
I can be to others what he was to me.
And I will do exactly that.
****
I remember when I first saw him walk cheekily into the classroom
As a new boy in awkward grade 5.
He was a cute little Greek boy–full of dirty jokes and laughter.
I didn’t know his name and didn’t think much of him,
As I wasn’t boy-crazy, and now that I look back I see why...
But as we grew older and life started to drift by,
I started to notice him more–
The way he interacted with people,
How he was never rude or arrogant to anyone,
How he swore but only in a complimentary way.
How he’d laugh at anything
But at the same time know when not to laugh.
And how he was so smiley–a gorgeous smile too
He became mature, full of charm and handsome overnight,
Broad shouldered and possessed an inner strength
That no other guy in the year had.
And whenever he talked to me …
I felt somehow special.
He was a guitar player-you know how they are,
Musically assertive and–
Could never resent himself from tappin on the goddam table.
He was creative–in his story writing and art,
While every other guy in the year had interests in math & woodwork.
He was obviously different,
And I think everyone hated him for it–
But I could never understand why he’d get so much shit
For being himself.
But I promised that my sympathy wouldn’t, couldn’t let a guy in…
That’s not right.
I loved girls and grace at the time was my everything.
And I swore my heart was closed,
And I was guarding it with all my strength.
I stayed up at night, refusing that I loved him
–Because I couldn’t.
And tried so goddam hard to reject it,
Reject him.
He made me so fucking confused,
He literally turned my established sexuality into smush.
And then before I knew it,
I found out he liked me on year 9-freshman camp
And I didn’t know how to go about it,
So I broke his heart.
I was silly, insecure and young–
I played with his feelings, led him on so you’d say.
Cos deep down I knew my sexuality,
And believed it’d never work out but he knew nothing of it.
Still thinking we had potential.
Plus I thought I was too good for him,
Me being a Christian girl from a high-class family,
Too worthy for his petty ways
But as he left my life…
I came to realise he was too good for me.
Like for the times when we went out to lunch,
He’d sneak off to counter and pay the bill.
For the times when he’d let me see his work book,
Cos I couldn’t see the board as my parents couldn’t afford me glasses.
When at his house- he said his room was messy only to open his door
To a bunch of red roses laying on the bed.
For that one time when I fell of the skateboard-face first ass up,
He carried me all the way up the driveway in his arms and then carefully bandaged my fucked knees up.
For all the times he’d buy me food at the canteen,
Cos my parents were too broke to afford any
He’d feed my hungry stomach but also my starving soul –
With endless love and nothing in return but
Leaking mascara and messed up emotions.
When we’d go to concerts and music festivals,
He’d protect me in his arms from behind
So no one would bash into me.
And whenever we were forcibly separated in the mosh,
He’d find me–
The sense of relief when you see his smiling face coming towards you,
In a crowd of unfamiliarity is unexplainable.
He was the type of guy that when you brought home,
Instead of going straight to the bedroom,
He’d shake your parents hands and ask how they were going
–And he did exactly that.
He was someone you’d want to marry,
Someone you’d know you’d live happily ever after regardless of money.
He was the only one to confront my scars everytime when I came to school with a newly carved marks on my wrists.
He actually gave up his own fucking afternoons so many times
To take me out, and ask the reason why I was cutting.
He saved my life in so many ways.
And when we were alone walking around the school at nigthtime,
He sang for me a Bring Me The Horizon song under the stars.
And I guess it was moments like that,
When I fell in love with him.
He didn’t have a world of money,
But I mean he gave me so much stuff.
And in return I gave him nothing,
But a grey absence of love
Where I only poured all my problems onto him.
I never pursued how he felt.
But I was selfish with his feelings.
And when he was all over another girl like a hot rash,
That pissed me off–he used to like me and I wanted him.
And it’s not okay.
Cos I just accepted myself one way,
And then he came and smashed it all up.
Fuck him for making me so godam confused,
Confused on who I were to love.
And yet somehow he’d be able to make me work out all my issues,
Switching the pieces around–creating something that I could deal with.
It’s as if he became the person that will compete the life
We’ve always envisioned for ourselves.
Who seems to have stepped straight out of our dreams,
Dusted off their angel wings,
And stood in front of us, beaming and radiant.
All I wanted was for his strong warm arms to embrace me from behind,
To hold me for eternity, until time stopped.
Cos then at least in his arms I’d be able to get through life.
And now that he is gone,
I have never felt more alone at school or at home
And my dark lonesome soul is now wandering a desolate wilderness on it’s own.
The light is gone, the once bright colourful flowers have gone grey.
I’m lifeless.
He was no man of faith like my parents wanted,
But he had faith in me.
He treated me like the only girl,
By his unexpected acts of kindness.
He made me exposed to my every growing blindness
My judgements towards others, he tore them apart.
My opinions to everything, he told me to leave them behind.
He said to not to change people, but just let them be.
And love that person for who they truly are-
He told me to embrace every single one of my faults-
He allowed me to accept my sexuality,
Even though he knew nothing of it.
He taught me how to love, because he loved me first.
This guy was the reason why I saw you,
Cos he explained to me a long time ago
That some people aren’t who they seem on the outside,
That sometimes the people who have it all together
Are the ones dying on the inside.
And that’s what I saw in you.
So from that moment,
I promised to be the person he was to me, to you.
I’m no guy-and I can definitely not match his kindness
But I have warm loving arms too, and they’re open.
I fell in love with a guy once, and his name was Aedan Moore.
And I loved him in all the ways a broken,
Suicidal lesbian could love a guy.
Thankyou for saving my life, I owe my eternity to you.
Forgive me for my love not being able to extend to you,
But always know that I once did love you.
–Letters To Tahlia