The game never ends @leukocytosis-vent - Tumblr Blog

I'm so fucking tired of myself. Everything I do serves only to validate the shit I believe about myself.

I can't do anything without fucking it up in some way.

And it makes me feel stupid, even though I know I'm not.

I need therapy asap.

I fucking hate myself rn.

I know I shouldn't but I'm having an internal screaming match with myself about this.

I just want to feel like I'm important.

Lot of anxiety tonight.

And earlier.

Took an Ativan so I'm hoping that will help.

My dbt techniques aren't working and this quiet borderline is getting louder and louder and I don't know how to hold it in anymore.

Additionally, this disorder is going to fucking kill me.

Gotta fucking love splitting over things that aren't even real that you just made up. Thanks BPD I love it.

Maybe I should just go talk to a counselor again. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling bc it's all trauma response and bpd bullshit.

Fuck being like this. I feel so fucking alone and I'm tired of it. I don't know what to do.

3 panic attacks since like 11pm last night. Fuck me I guess.

I've barely slept but I slept long enough to have a dream that if it ever becomes reality, I'd rather die.

I cannot stop crying and I feel so fucking alone.

I feel like an ass for not asking for help but you had such a bad day...

I need to quit dreaming and be realistic.

But my dreams coming true would help out a lot right now on a variety of fronts.

Feel like I'm drowning and can't do the basic stuff I need to but I'm getting sicker by the day and God I fucking hope something is shown on this scope. I can't live with this pain anymore. I can't live feeling sick to my stomach all the time. It almost feels like the h pylori is back.

I'm just so tired for feeling how I feel and like I need to justify myself for everything.

I'm valid regardless of logistics, regardless of reality. If I'm upset, I'm upset. It's real to my perception ergo it is real.

My heart hurts and I feel like an inconsiderate douche but whatever. I'll move on.

I feel like I can't say no to people without justification being demanded of me. Which isn't something I owe anyone. No one owes anyone.

Do I even want to post here? Ever?

I'm finally getting close to answers and my body is just so sick and tired.

I'm feeling like I can't do anything right. I never do better when I say I will. And I feel like I can't say anything to anyone without a tinge of fear of being lashed out at.

I don't know what to do or how to improve my situation.

I need a job and I need help because I can't shoulder all the tasks alone.

I'm frustrated I've let it get this far.

For posterity, I'm not going to delete content unless requested.

I'm better than I was before. I'll use it to reflect upon myself

It will never get that bad again.

I need to stop taking everything personally and as a slight against me.

But beyond that... I'm better than I've ever been, mentally. At least, that's how it feels. My meds are being taken consistently without being asked and without notifications to remind me or anything.

All I need is to ace this test on Wednesday and finish my insurance work.

I don't want to wake you up to talk about this. But I might anyway.

I'm scared they'll find something wrong with me that can't be reversed. Like cancer. I'm so fucking scared because I have so much life left unlived. I don't want to die. Life finally feels like things are going to be okay. I have so many plans for this year.

Please... Please just let me not be dying.

I've been incredibly anxious in some facets of life lately. I'm afraid I keep fucking up wrt my relationship.

I'm not doing enough. I'm not attractive enough for myself and am projecting that. I'm tired of being like this. It's all projection, I'm sure.

I just want to be the perfect pretty housewife who still works and shit.

I feel bad about not wanting to hear about climate stuff because it feels so... Fatalistic?

I don't want to die. There's too much to do.

Society will collapse and I don't want to bring a kid into that world but on the other hand I want to be able to be like "we made this human and that's magical"

I'm sick and unfit and I know I wouldn't last long should the worst come.

I'm scared.

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The game never ends