Alex swallowed past something heavy in his throat. Right; of course Levi understood. Alex and his family had vocally been against the war, but Levi had fought in it, and Alex couldn’t even begin to imagine the depth of trauma he’d come home with. Even so, being empathized hurt suddenly, and he closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the bricks, taking carefully breaths while Levi spoke.
“Crowd- crowds do it,” he managed finally. “Small spaces. Spaces that are too open. Darkness.” The attacks. His heart constricted. He hadn’t had any in Alastor’s company yet, mostly because his husband was so busy, but even at Hogwarts after Alex’s first stint in captivity he’d hardly been mentally stable. Everything he’d gone through the first time was only worse now. “No- I appreciate it. Really.”
He managed a weak smile. “It can’t be easy for you to talk about this, but ever since I was released I… feel like I’m going insane. Even more than I was in the first place. I know Alastor loves me, but the last thing I want to do is distract him when he already has so much work to do. How… do you mind asking how you started to manage it? I want- I want to come back to Hogwarts in the fall. But I don’t think I can like this.”
Originally posted by historyofbellarke
Levi nodded, listening to the very end and then shaking his head. “I promise you it isn’t a problem. Moving on is hard, and some of that is impossible to ever truly get through. Do you remember that big to-do that got attacked last year?” He laughed bitterly. “Sorry, which one, right?” It was a weak attempt at humor, and Levi pressed on. “I was so freaked out in that crowd as everyone started panicking that I ended up hyperventilating in a corner. It- It wasn’t easy. It never is. Crowds do it for me too. Loud noises, confusion... I have to admit I always wait until the end at Quidditch events for the kids before it’s so overwhelming when they’re all running, yelling, and shoving.”
He paused, realizing he’d been tapping on his leg as he talked. “This is part of it actually,” he said softly and gestured down. “I- During the war, I had six missions. Six operations, I guess you could say. When it was really bad in the beginning, they all blurred together in my head in this cycle I couldn’t break. So I figured out how to organize them. I say their names in the order they happened, and then I start over and go through them again. And again. I got them tattooed on my leg here because sometimes I couldn’t get the words out, and it was a way to help cut my cycle before it really got started. Now it’s almost a comfort. I do it when I’m stressed or worried, and it’s not always a panic attack about to happen.”
Levi reached out carefully and squeezed Alex’s shoulder after giving plenty of time for him to process that it was coming. “Honestly? I would talk to a mind healer. You can find books on things like breathing and counter exercises that are helpful, but a specialist can help you figure out the exact what and why. And by the way? Alastor loves you, like you said. I don’t think he’s going to consider you a burden if you reach out to him. I was a mess when Marcus and I met, and I can’t imagine where I’d be now without him. He didn’t heal me, not even close, but just having him there has made a world of difference.”