The gender journal

Kelsey's transition blog. They/She. Skateboards and gender adventures. Main blog is artefin.tumblr.com

[life-rolls-on]

Happy Halloween!!!!

[life-rolls-on]

Got SLAPPED by a sand patch at the last corner of my run. Bummed!

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So far my favorite outfit I’ve ever had! I love fall time.

[poems-and-word]

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

Dysphoria isn’t just “hating your body.”

Sometimes it’s sadness. It’s crying for the child you never got to be. It’s lying in bed, wondering who you would’ve been, if only you were cis. It’s looking at a cis guy or cis girl and feeling hollow in your chest.

Sometimes it’s anger. It’s screaming at the sky, for the unfairness of it all. It’s wondering, “why me?” It’s lashing out and resenting your family and friends, because even if they try they will never understand the pain you go through, will never understand what using your name and pronouns and supporting you in your transition means to you.

Sometimes it’s numbness. It’s looking in the mirror and just feeling empty. It’s taking a shower and staring at the ceiling, hands going through the motions, forcing yourself not to look down. It’s pushing your friends away because you can’t feel it within you to laugh or care anymore. It’s seeing someone else and hearing someone else and people talking about someone else, not you.

Sometimes it’s fear. The fear of changing in front of someone, of doctor’s appointments, of looking in the mirror when you step out of the shower. It’s the knot in your throat when you hear someone call you the wrong name but you’re not brave enough to correct them. It’s the fear that you’ll never get to be yourself.

Sometimes it’s confusion. It’s being young and wondering why those pronouns feel so wrong, why your name doesn’t fit you, wondering why your body feels so wrong but not having the words you need to explain yourself. It’s walking past a store window and being genuinely puzzled, because for a second, even if just a second, you forgot that you were transgender. It’s expecting to see something but seeing something else entirely.

Sometimes it’s exhaustion. Sometimes it’s so damn hard and you just want to sleep and never wake up again. Even if you’ve just woken up in the morning, you still feel like the weight of the world rests upon your shoulders, and your shoulders alone. It’s the feeling that no matter how much you sleep, you will never wake up to a world where you will get to be who you are without going through so much pain and effort and money. It’s wishing that someone would just hold you and tell you that they love you no matter what, no matter what- they’ll support you and fight for you and call you the right things.

Dysphoria isn’t just “hating your body.”

[life-rolls-on]

Spring has been pretty cool. It’s been finally warm enough to go to the beach and get salty! And I’ve picked up luging to add to my collections of downhill toys. Luge is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. Maybe race luge now?

Also I just passed the 2 year anniversary of hormones. Honestly it turned out to be so much different that I had planned but I’m here and I have loved my journey.

[energyprison]

skateboarding is very sexy BUT only if youre a gay girl

[puppy-queen]

It’s triple sexy if you’re a trans girl/NB

[antibutch-deactivated20180507]

and its

ULTIMATE SEXY

if your a lesbian trans girl

[mithril-orc-girl]

TRANS GIRL SWORD LESBIAN ON A SKATEBOARD!

[life-rolls-on]

LOOK NO FURTHER

[life-rolls-on]

Local girl skates hill. It’s amazing to have dysphoria leave my life.

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Had an awesome valentines weekend out in the mountains. Hope everyone had a great day.

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Out of the shower and almost into bed. BTW phone is fixed so now y’all gonna get a bunch of photos of me.

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Before the semester started I had my legal name changed and it's taken a few months to finally get all the paperwork for the school to recognize a new name.

I walked into my first classes of the new term no need to out my self to anybody ever again. And it felt amazing. Roll called out Kelsey and I damn near lost it. I didnt have to come out any more. I feel so whole and happy to exist for once.

Dysphoria sucks. Post your euphoric stories and make the world a better place.

[life-rolls-on]

Bring queer does not determine how well you can shred. Get on a board and get the fuck out there!!!!

[life-rolls-on]

Big crews rolling deep in the mountains of Socal. I fucking love skateboarding.

[life-rolls-on]

Journal #2

1-10-17

Going into the DMV for my new license tomorrow. I can't believe I have actually made it this far. I was expecting so many more gate keepers. But it feels good to finally be close to completely transitioned on paper. Transitioning outside of legal documents has been interesting to say the least. I have been thinking a lot lately about srs and my internal battle with should I or not. There's a certain power a lady has when she has a dick. I don't know how to describe it. I feel comfortable with my body as it is but I have never had a lot of feeling about my genitals. Haven't been using them anyways so I haven't had a reason to have dysphoria. I'm fine with my penis and hell, I'm fine with being a top using it too. It gives me pleasure and I don't want to get rid of what I have. But I still don't feel it's the best suit for me. I know Id love myself 300x more if I have a vulva, feel more confident, reduce anxiety and this paranoia about coming out. Like if I can just go stealth and never tell anyone my history I'd be so happy. The feeling when you say to a potential partner like "hey, before this goes any further I want to let you know I'm trans". It makes my heart skip a beat I hate it.

I just want to be myself and have me like me for who I am.

The surgery is also pretty invasive and I'd be couch locked for a few months. That means no skating for months. I don't know how I'm going to survive. That really my only hesitation.

------------------------------

I want to start riding a more agressive downhill setup and can't decide what I want to ride. Currently on an omen airship nice and plush for big mountain skating. 9.7 wide, microdrops, rocker, flares, 28"WB and slight w in the back. It's super comfortable but I'm not looking for comfort any more.

I found a full carbon 8.5 race deck for $200 and I think I need to get on that. Flush mount, rocker, radial cave, WB 23.5-26.5, and stiff as all fuckin hell. It sounds like the next step in my skate progression and I'm super excited.

[life-rolls-on]

Estrogen pills.

Dissolve it under your Tongue. Your body absorbs so much more sublingually than if you were to just swallow the pill. But brush your teeth after it's all gone. The blue of the pills can stain.

[life-rolls-on]

I FUCKING LOVE SKATEBOARDING. Seriously even if you want to transition fuckin keep skating.

[life-rolls-on]

I skate like a girl. So little about me, my main hobby is downhill skating. Cruising down canyons at speeds faster than the cars. Probably the least “feminine” sport out there. Bring trans and a speed freak definitely makes me an outside in most communities but also have me the right people I needed in my life. If you’re thinking of transitioning but you’re afraid of people calling you manly for it, misgendering you, harassing you, all because of a hobby you like. Don’t be. It will make you gnarly and cool. Be an individual and live your life how you want. It’s the only way to transition.