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16 - he/him - 06/01/18 💉- transmedicalist - icon by @marlboro-trans

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

im so glad you're in a better place now! it makes sense that you want to distance yourself from something that is associated with your struggles. wishing you a wonderful journey!

Thank you so much <3 

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

do you have a main blog??

Yeah, it’s @anotherspaceboy (it’s not linking for some reason, sorry)

I haven’t posted anything on there yet but I’m going to start soon, but just journal posts and personal stuff like that. If you don’t mind that kind of stuff on your dash, feel free to follow haha

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

I’m glad that you’re happier, dude. thanks for all the support you provided to me and so many other people.

Thanks man! And it’s no problem at all, I’m so glad I was able to help you guys out :) 

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

Hey guys

It pains me to say this, but I think I’m going to stop posting on this blog, at least for now. I made this blog when I was in a really dark place and it was good for me to vent about my struggles and relate to other people who were in the same place as me, but now that I’m out and on T, I’m so genuinely happy, and I feel like everything I want to post either comes off as me gloating about how lucky I am or whining about something insignificant in comparison to the struggles that most trans guys have that follow me. I appreciate everyone who has followed me and submitted asks and messaged me throughout this year, because I love you guys so much and you were a big help to me when I was struggling. I’m going to start posting journal posts on my main blog @anotherspaceboy so if you need something you can always privately message me or ask me there, but as for now I’m not going post on this exact blog anymore. I hope you guys have a good day/night and something amazing happens to you in the near future because you deserve it! :)

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

Why is literally every trans guy (online) I know getting top surgery or has gotten top surgery very recently... even the really small YouTubers... it makes me feel physically sick to think I have to wait another year and a half (probably longer if I’m not kidding myself) to share that happiness. I’m happier with my chest now that testosterone has caused some fat redistribution and I’ve gained more pec muscle, but it still hurts because the extra fat is still there and it’s not like I could just go shirtless.

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

I went to my first ever LGBT related event tonight. Our local college (a private Lutheran college nonetheless) hosts a “coming out” panel with their GSA every National Coming Out Day and my parents asked if I wanted to come along since they were going. I agreed because I was curious. I’ve never been to anything LGBT related.

The panel consisted of a surprisingly diverse amount of people for a religious college in small town Iowa-

-a bisexual woman

-two trans men, one older with three kids and one younger but both have had top surgery

-three pansexual women

-a gay guy

-an amab male-attracted nonbinary person

The panel was nice, a little awkward at times and kind of cringy at some parts, but overall very sweet and uplifting. One of the trans guys, Brian, the younger one, had a story that was so jarringly similar to mine.

Overall it was worth it to attend and I’m glad I did, but it also made me realize that being trans really isn’t a huge part of my identity, if any part at all. I don’t really even subconsciously associate myself with the LGBT community. Listening to them talking about asking pronouns and being queer and the “Genderbread Person...” it just hit me how detached I felt from all of that. I was a little disappointed because I was expecting to feel more kinship with these people since it was my first LGBT event, but if anything it proved to me that being trans is finally feeling normal in a sense. It’s just fading into the background, and bringing it up only makes me more uncomfortable, so there’s really no use. I am glad that I went though, especially listening to Brian talk.

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

It shouldn’t be this hard

I took the PSAT yesterday and I didn’t know what to put for my sex so I asked my guidance counselor (who was administering the test) and he said to just leave it blank and he’d figure it out. I would’ve put female because that’s what I am, and legally as well until I have surgery, but my school records list male and I’m assuming there’d be an issue if it conflicted with my school records. Also we put in my request for a name change on my birth certificate in June and they still haven’t contacted us and it’s making me anxious. They said it’d take four to six weeks but uh... it’s been way longer than that. My mom said she’d call them but she keeps procrastinating, and she wants me to figure out how to change my social security card on my own but just looking at the steps to do it makes me feel sick. I want all of this done already. I can’t apply for a new job until all of my documents are in order. I want at least my correct name on my drivers license, but that looks like a long ways off.

(Sorry for being gone for so long, cross country literally just ended so I’ll have way more free time to make posts and answer asks now, I promise!)

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

Simple and powerful, Splice is the best video editor for your iPhone, iPad, and iPod Touch! Easily create videos and slideshows, with no len

Y’all I made a little video with all of my voice clips from pre-T to four months on T, so if you’re interested just click the link above. (I would’ve put it in as a regular video but it made it huge and I don’t like my face that much lmao.) Please ignore the awkwardness, it’s about the audio and I’m too lazy to figure out how to just get the audio without my face.

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

There’s this girl I’ve known since we were like ten and she’s always been kind of a terrible person but she’s also funny and nice if you’re friends with her. I thought we’ve been on good terms - she’s the one who asked my friend how I was doing shortly after I came out to my school- and I’m working on a group project with her in one of my classes. Apparently though she was telling these girls (also my classmates) she worked with that she didn’t want to call me Parker and wanted to call me my birthname because that was my ~real name.~ The girls she was talking to called her out and then one of them told my friend and she passed it down to me. I’m not even mad. I find it kind of funny. I’m at too much of a good place in my life to care about some girl who gets off on being mean to other people. It’s just going to make this group project hella awkward lmao.

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

logic: I probably shouldn’t wear my packer running for the first time when in an actual cross country meet, but rather when I’m running on my own in case something bad/embarrassing happens

dysphoria: I don’t care if there’s a meet with 36 other teams there and a lot of people in general, if I take my packer off right now I will shrivel up inside.

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

i need some advice if youre willing to give it. i think i might be trans but im not sure. ive been going by a gender neutral name but thats more boyish and i love it and i also get really excited whenever someone refers to me as a guy and my chest just feels wrong but like. i dont really have any bottom dysphoria and i think im just going through a phase. how do i know if i just like being more masculine or if im really a guy?

Of course I’m willing to give advice :) 

I’ll preface by saying that I can’t determine if you’re trans or not, only you (and a mental health professional if you decide you would like to medically transition and need a dysphoria diagnosis, obviously) can figure out for yourself if you’re trans or not. 

It’s hard to be sure because there could be multiple reasons for the things you’ve described, so here’s some questions for you to ask yourself:

-Do I like going by a gender-neutral name and being called a guy because it feels fun/novel or because it feels more right than being called a girl/female name?

-Does my chest feel wrong because it’s supposed to be like a male’s or because I think it looks ugly/fat/makes me sexualized by men? 

-If I could wake up as a biological male, would I feel better having a dick? (This was a hard question for me, because I’ve always found dicks kind of gross, but I experimented with packing and found that it really helped me, so you never know! I didn’t think I had bottom dysphoria because my other sources of dysphoria were so bad that it overshadowed my lower parts, but now I recognize that bottom dysphoria does exist for me.)

-Do I think I’m going through a phase because people have told me that being trans is a phase, because I want it to be a phase so I don’t have to deal with the ramifications of being trans, or because I actually think it’s a phase and I’m going to grow out of it?  (If you genuinely think it’s a phase, I’d obviously hold off on making any drastic movements, and it’s always a good idea to give yourself time in general! Figuring yourself out isn’t a race.)

I hope this helped somewhat! Honestly I wouldn’t put so much pressure on yourself. I know it’s hard to not know right away but just do what makes you feel good. If going by new name and hearing new pronouns and looking more masculine makes you feel good, then do that, regardless of what it means for your identity. You’ll get there eventually. (And I really recommend talking to a therapist if you can!)

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

Um that sub incident is not okay.. something similar happen to me and I said something to administration and they made the sub well aware of what they did and said it wasn’t okay. You should speak up kid, I’m sorry

Agh thank you for the support but I don’t know... I don’t think he meant to make me feel bad. He likes to joke around a lot and talk with the students and I think he thought I was okay with it for some reason. He was probably just trying to be the “cool sub” and relate with me but he just took it way too far... I also hope it wasn’t transphobic in any way (he had to have known from the photo?) but I’m stupid and can’t figure out people’s intentions sometimes. I have him as a sub for the rest of the week too... :// Earbuds are my friend. 

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

Hi, i'm really confused atm about my identity and i need help. I think i have gender dysphoria and that i'm Trans (i also experience euphoria when correct pronouns are used etc) but i'm afraid that i'm just a trender? i have breakdowns over my chest and on really bad days i physically injure myself because i can't be a guy or seen as one, I cry a lot of the time and feel awful because I don't look like a guy (still closeted) but i don't feel dysphoria everyday? and on those days i doubt myself

Hey dude you’re totally fine! Dysphoria fluctuates for some (and I’d go as far as to say most) trans people, and it does for me too! Some days it’s worse than others, but some days you can repress it or ignore it. If you’re genuinely dysphoric (which I’d recommend seeing a therapist about if you can, although I know it’s hard when you’re closeted) and are happy when you hear the correct pronouns, chances are you’re probably trans! I hope you feel better soon. I know dysphoria is hell especially when you can’t present the way you want to, but I have faith that you’ll make it there :)

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

I had a very uncomfortable experience today. I had a sub for one of my classes today, the second to last one of the day, and of course it had to be a sub that I’ve known since freshman year.

He was taking attendance and called out my name with some confusion. When I raised my hand, he looked right at me and said, “You look nothing like your picture, you know.” My picture was from when I had long hair still.

With a sinking heart I said, “Yes, I know.” By this point everyone in my small class is just watching us.

He said, “Have you seen this?” to me, referencing the photo. I nodded. It’s my school photo. It’s on my school ID and in my school app. I hate it.

“Too many times.” I laughed a little, hoping he would catch the hint. He instead shoved the photo in front of my face in case I needed the reminder once more.

“How long ago was it taken?”

“I don’t know. Two years? Actually, no, just one.” I was desperately twirling my earbuds in my hand.

He kept just staring at me. “What grade are you in?”

“I’m a junior.”

“It’s just... it looks so different.” I kept nodding and plastering a stupid grin on my face. Imagine my horror when he goes over to show it to a group of my classmates- one of whom I’m not out to.

“It’s ok if I show them it right?” he said after he already showed it to them. Before he went back to his desk he said, “I think I’ve had you in class before.”

I need my stupid photo changed.

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

Can I así for an advice? My trans boyfriend is feeling dysphoric, and I want to help him but I don't know how, he's handsome, and I love him so much. How can I make him feel more comfortable?

It’s hard to say exactly because dysphoria is different for everybody, but generally I think it’s safe to say that expressing your love for him and reminding him that you’re there for him would be a good way to help support him. Other ways of helping the dysphoria specifically depend upon the individual and their comfort levels. If you’re comfortable with it, you could ask him how you could help directly. I’m sure he’d appreciate how much you care about him :) 

I wish I could be of more help but it’s hard to give you good advice because dysphoria is so complicated and varies greatly. I’m sure that having someone as supportive and lovely as you for a partner helps him out, though <3

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

Trans culture is finding one specific article of clothing that helps with dysphoria and owning at least three of them.

[angry-trans-boy-thoughts]

Sometimes I feel a need to play up how transition has affected me in order to ease the minds of the people who love me and reassure them that this was the right decision for me. I’m naturally a very private person, and I’ve always been quiet and introverted, even around family and friends. Whenever I’m spending time with relatives or family friends, I feel like I have to be energetic and sociable, even though that’s not natural to my personality. I didn’t display signs of being transgender as a child, and I’ve only been outwardly presenting as completely masculine for a year. I worry that my loved ones think I will regret this and I don’t want them to worry about me, so I make sure to be a “better person” now that I’m on testosterone. But while testosterone has affected me greatly in terms of how I am mentally, they’re changes that aren’t quite clear outwardly, because pre-testosterone I never let anyone know how terrible I was really feeling. It makes me sick to think that I may be causing my family and friends worry, so I try to make it all-too-clear that I am happier now. I’m worried that if I show any signs of negative emotions, they will think that I’m on the wrong path. I shouldn’t care so much about what they think because I am secure in the way testosterone has positively impacted my life, but it distresses me to know that they’re not aware of it as well.