life by elsa,

I'm going to try and wonder about things in life, that we all ask but never dare to answer. I'm a 20 year old, earthbound producer of my life. I laugh too loud, I question my surroundings, and I like to eat pizza.

[lifebyelsa]

Growing up is a long journey

Recently I've been watching a lot of 'Ally McBeal' and while I was watching the first episode of the second season, I realized something that I don't think I've ever realized before - I was not an adult. 

The dictionary simple states that an Adult is;

Adjective: 1. having attained full size and strength; grown up; mature: an adult person, animal or plant. 2. of, pertaining to, or befitting adults. 3. intended for adults; not suitable for children: adult entertainment.

Noun: 1. a person who is fully grown or developed or of age. 2. a full-grown animal or plant. 2. a person who has attained the age of maturity as specified by law.

And by all means, that is true. However being an adult has nothing -according to me - , nothing to do with full size, fully grown, developed, or been decided by law.  I'm 20 years old, and this year I'm turning 21 so soon I'm in every country legal to do whatever it is I want, and according to law I'm a grown up. According to physical laws, I'm a grown up because I have a fully developed body, fully grown and I may watch adult entertainment. But if you decide to look at what you're doing with your life, what you're supposed to be doing, and what people want to see you doing - in that sense; I'm not even close to being an adult. 

Every single day I've lived, I've wished to be an adult, and I still do. I want people to look at me and see someone who's mature enough to be considered an adult; I associate myself with things and people that will make me seem more of an adult. I talk about subjects that makes me seem like I have a lot of life experience and I certainly do but I certainly can also go get more life experience. Though, for some reason I am choosing not to do so, I'm choosing to get myself into problems that a young kid isn't supposed to have. I try to come up with problems that only an adult can have, or should have. I try to make myself seem more adult in that way. But it may be true that I have these problems that I try to convince myself that I have, but does that make me more of an adult? or a kid? or am I in between? Am I in that transformation? Am I like 'Britney Spears' song ' Not a girl, but not yet a woman' right now? 

But as I was watching 'Ally McBeal' I realized I was nothing but a 20 year old, trying to figure out who I am, and what I wanted to do, and trying to convince myself and others that I want to be perceived as an adult is a way for me to not focus on my life. It gives me a possibility to lie to myself. And I think we all take that possibility every time we can. It's nice to lie to yourself, It's nice to pretend to be someone you're not and trying to act as an adult, trying to indulge myself in conversations that I'm far too young to even be apart of and trying to be something I'm not is a way of avoiding the present and the future. I'm not a kid anymore, I'm not a teenager, and I'm not an adult. I'm me, and I need to start being that. I need to stop making people look at me as something I'm not. And the hardest part of all of this; is trying to believe in myself. Trying to understand who I am and grasp that. The hardest part of all of this, is the fact that I don't think I want to associate myself with 80% of all of the people I am associating myself with right now. I'm in a big boat, all by myself and I'm the only one who can control what it is I want to do with this big boat. I'm the only one who can decide whether I want to go right, left, forward or let the boat just float. It's only I that can decide whether this life is right or wrong for me. 

But the hardest part of growing up is finding yourself and not losing it in the meantime. And I'm finding myself questioning everything about myself and I'm not sure whether that is good or not. But only time can tell, right?

[lifebyelsa]

It's a new year

So I've been thinking, or there hasn't been much thinking. It's been more eating my feelings and just feeling sorry for myself to be quite honest with you all. And trust me, there is no apparent or obvious reason to my love for food, sweets, junk, and whatever. It's just the fact that I've always been the type of person to eat my emotions, and I used to deal with it pretty well until my life became my own kind of eating you know? I didn't know right from wrong, nice or mean, or the fact that I was even alive anymore. 

However, I'm sitting here now wondering about why I can't be one of those people that think "it's a new year, new opportunities, new goals, new me." I'm always that person in the corner saying "it's a new year, lets fail some more." Because truth is; I don't believe that I can do any of those things that people set up to do when it becomes a new year. I'm not the type of person to pull myself up and say "fuck it, I'm gonna lose 10 pounds" I'm pretty much the person saying "I can't do it, because I don't know how to." I've basically no motivation in life or in myself, and I sit here now, trying to figure out how to get me some of that juice. Some of the life goal junks. You know? I want to be that kind of adventure junkie, that isn't afraid of being alive. And I think we all somehow should just talk to each other about it, see if we can figure out a way to do something like that?

I'm for real now. I'd love for someone to say "HEY YOU, LETS GO DO THIS" and they have some crazy thing that I've never done before, that I'm scared of doing, but they get me to do it. I want someone to just push me over the edge, and make me say "fuck this".

So for this new year, I'm going to try and find that kind of motivation, try to find that person maybe? I'm at least going to try and make a change in my life, because how it's going right now with all the stress, the binge eating, the health problems.. Well they aren't working for me anymore, and btw; my first change of the year was deleting my facebook. It felt nice, though I do not know how to get in touch with my friends anymore. So please, friends, if you do read this; Hi. I'm still alive!!!

[lifebyelsa]

I am just a footnote in your story

The other day I talked to a very dear friend of mine. She's very intelligent, I think more than she would give herself credit for and she's also very artistic, deep in thoughts, wants to find a deeper meaning into certain things and other things she just wants to think "what the fuck". However what I realized during my conversation with her, was the fact that we as human beings, will always be a footnote in other people's story. And sometimes, we're even footnotes in our own story unless we decide to proofread it, re-write it, re-read again and put some new stories in it. We forget how easy it is to become a footnote, how easy it is to say no and move along with a life that we fear. We sit there, all high and mighty and think "I'm so much smarter than the people I know because I never make their mistakes, I don't let out my feelings and I read and watch the news. I know everything" But what we forget when we're sitting there thinking that we are living our lives by watching it, we forget how to live it. We forget how to breathe without anyone telling us it's time to inhale and exhale. We forget how to feel because we're afraid people will judge us and we're afraid to be ourselves because we end up judging ourselves too much that we become a footnote.

Nevertheless we become people that feel the need to right ourselves from what other wants us to be and its so profoundly stupid. We think that if I do this, or that, or I don't; they will probably like me more, want me more or need me more. But what we seem to forget is the fact that if they didn't like you from the start, they probably never will. Because the moment you try to be something you're not, people start to notice that you are different, that you don't fit with the pieces that you've given them, and as soon as they've put the pieces into a full puzzle; they will call on your sham and that's when you lose them again. So please my dear ones, be yourself and people will love you. If they don't love you, then they were supposed to be footnotes in your story. But if you let them control you, you're becoming footnotes in their story and maybe even your own

However, this friends of mine. She realized herself that she was finally becoming something bigger than just footnote. I don't think she would use the exact words that I'm using right now,  but I can feel it somehow. I can see how when I got to know of her, she somehow felt to me very afraid of just that; being a footnote and not letting people see who she was through her work. At the same time, I can't say that because I didn't know her before I met her; obviously. But what I can see now is a person not afraid to be more than just a footnote and even if I haven't had the possibility to know her that long, I'm still quite happy we had the conversation we had. It made me feel like I wasn't lost in my own story, that I was just trying to build it up, create some tension so to say. I felt like I was just starting a new happening after our conversation. It felt nice.

2013 and I'm not going to be a footnote in my own story, and if I end up being a footnote in your story, then I hope I gave you something worth writing about.

elsa

[lifebyelsa]

the sweet taste of music

" It is love, love at first sight and when it touched my heart, I knew I was home. " - elsa

There are no words in this world that could sum up what music means to me. There is absolutely no perfect way to explain music. However, I am here to try and tell you all about how music has not only been my savior but has also been the one thing to make me feel complete. (And before I go on with this post, I do not sing, play any instruments or even write songs. I just wish I could any of it) 

I went to see Ben Howard this year, and I have always been a fan of his. Because he is an amazing songwriter and the way he sings his songs - and others - is his way of communicating with people that can relate to him. He sings his songs like he knows what you are going through or what you need, and he is just there to help you understand what is going on. He is there to make you feel like you are apart of something bigger than your own mind. That even if you might be lost, confused and heartbroken over things in your life, he will always be there to catch you and help you. 

But I can not explain the big difference it is to hear this man sing and play live. It gives me goosebumps, and shivers are running down my spine, just thinking back to the concert. You know, I had been waiting for this concert for two years, and the moment I bought the tickets, I was just counting down the days till I had something I always wanted. Then time went by fast and I was there. Standing 10 feet from someone that has made me feel so many emotions at the same time. I was standing there while he was singing and I was falling into some kind of psychosis, I was completely out of my mind and I was dancing, moving, sweating, singing, screaming, losing control and just draining myself of everything in me. I was extremely emotional and I felt weak.

I felt weak, and I knew if someone would've punched me right there and then - I would have been unconscious for days. The whole experience made me feel so many different things that it felt like I was embarking on a new path. I was embarking on this new soul full journey and I had no idea where to go, or do. But trust me, this feeling is the most fantastic feeling, because you can feel your bones shake, you can feel your head exploding, and you can feel your heart healing itself from everything you've gone through. The way that his voice became so raw, made me feel like I was becoming a new person, that it was fine for me to start over and raw in a way. The way he stumbled on the words when he sang, made me feel like it was okay to be scared and different. The way he laughed up there, unaware of the way he was touching people's heart made me realize that kindness hasn't died... Kindness has just been running away, just like every single person out there feeling alone is running. 

Kindness is the core of your heart, and instead of letting it run away from you. Grab it tight and please never let go. Kindness is a strength, and hate is something we shouldn't associate our hearts with. You know? The thing is though, standing there in the middle of this sea of people, made me realize that we are all one and no matter who we are, what we've done and what we are going to do; we are all still one. Ben Howard's concert made me feel like I've been sleeping all these years and now I can finally open my eyes and see, I can finally breathe and I don't need to be afraid of wanting to open my eyes. I can't be afraid of trying to speak up about the only love we have, which is each other. 

Music is a sweet, sweet thing and without music there wouldn't be anything to make you feel like this. Without music you wouldn't be able to feel so wrong yet so right at the same time. Without music, I know I wouldn't be alive. Without music, I know my life would stop and I wouldn't be the person I am today. You see, music is like a hidden message. Music is neurotransmitters. It's dopamine, gaba, glutamate, noradrenaline, and serotonin. It's the answer to everything we are. Music is the world we wish we had, want and need. And I want to taste the sweet taste of music. 

[lifebyelsa]

the mix of people and weapons

Newtown, Connecticut. December 14th. Sandy Hook. 

REST IN PEACE, Nancy Lanza, 52  Rachel D'Avino, 29 Dawn Hochsprung, 47 Anne Marie Murphy, 52 Lauren Rousseau, 30 Mary Sherlach, 56 Victoria Leigh Soto, 27 Charlotte Bacon, 6 Daniel Barden, 7 Olivia Engel, 6 Josephine Gay, 7 Dylan Hockley, 6 Madeleine Hsu, 6 Catherine Hubbard, 6 Chase Kowalski, 7 Jesse Lewis, 6 Ana Marquez-Greene, 6 James Mattioli, 6 Grace McDonnell, 6 Emilie Parker, 6 Jack Pinto, 6 Noah Pozner, 6 Caroline Previdi, 6 Jessica Rekos, 6 Avielle Richman, 6 Benjamin Wheeler, 6 Allison Wyatt, 6

Evil is something no one should be able to play with, because it is so incredibly untouchable. Some think it is actually better to be feared. Some think it is understandable to be evil, that it is something they haven't chosen and just are from the moment you are born. But I refuse to believe that it is connected with our brain, the way we have evolved. I refuse to believe that someone can be born evil, because being evil isn't something anyone should be able to understand. I remember when Anders Breivik shot and killed 69 people. It was the most terrifying and horrible tragedy I have ever seen, and reading the things he has said about his reasons to do what he did. It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to torture him, but then again it don't. Because I don't believe in such things, I believe that the mind is stronger than the physical, and if we let them be alone with their own thoughts, then at the end of their life. That will be a great punishment.

 And then we have this man that chose to kill 20 children, and 7 grown ups with no explanation. He just kills them and then he decides that he can kill himself. That he deserves to. Though that kind of evil isn't worth being saved by death. It is worth the mental suffering, I think every evil human experience after a while. Because it is inevitable when it comes to the mind. The mind will do big and horrible things to a person that knows no boundaries. And for that reason, it makes him not only evil but the biggest coward I have ever seen. 

I feel for the victims that had to pass away before their own time, I feel for the victims families, and also for his. I feel for the madman's family, because they are as lost in this situation as us but they will get more evil because of something they can not explain themselves. My heart and soul is crying out for all of you, and I just can't wrap my head around these kind of things because all I want is PLEASE DESTROY ALL THE WEAPONS WE HAVE AVAILABLE IN THE WORLD. That is something I would want to see. A world free from a madman's hands. 

I'm sorry for the short post about this. But I could not write more about it without starting to cry. This all makes me so heartbroken and destroyed. I will write more about the way the world is when the day comes. 

[lifebyelsa]

Forget the bad, and cherish the good

Why do we let negativity take away the positivity from us?

We all have them. Those negative thoughts about ourselves, our surroundings and about the world we live in, and there is no easy fix or solution to stop them. We can't stop them, and I am sorry to be the one to tell you that. I am truly sorry if you actually thought there was. But the negative thoughts can actually help you if you choose to let them. They can make you stronger, more aware of yourself and your surroundings, and hopefully make you a person that I hope we all aspire to be. A person that knows hurt but don't use it to make someone else hurt too.

The other day I fought with a person I used to consider a close friend. He had told me a few weeks ago that he had feelings for me, or that he wasn't too sure what he felt. So we discussed it and tried to walk around it to be able to be the type of friends we had always been, and it didn't go at all as planned. Because during that conversation, I had told him that if he needed time away from our friendship, I would accept it and be okay with it till he feels like we can again. But he had for some reason tried to read between the lines, and ended up assuming that I didn't want him in my life anymore. So hurt, angry and disappointed he decides I'm not worth his time, and I didn't understand why he just stopped talking to me. But I figured I didn't have the right to say something to him about it. I figured it wasn't my right to do anything, and I figured it was on him. Since it was he, who told me he had some kind of feelings that he couldn't wrap his head around, and that he wanted to figure it out. 

But before this conversation and even before I knew he had feelings for me. He had begun to act rude towards me - I don't need to say what he had done, because at the end of the day it doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that after a very weird conversation, he decides that he's not going to be my friend and that made me angry. Because I deserved an explanation, I deserved the respect from him to say that he needed to back off. I didn't ask for much, I didn't ask for anything at all. But as friends, I think it's mandatory to let them know when you're just going t get up and get gone. It's not okay to just leave them hanging, wondering what they did wrong or what they could've done to make it better. Instead he stayed angry, hurt and disappointed and I ended up feeling betrayed, and I let the negativity take over me.

I ended up thinking things about myself that I probably shouldn't have, and it didn't stop with me thinking I was a bad friend or a bad person. Because the moment you let negativity take over you, you give it a reason to become bigger. You water it, over and over and over again, and it just keeps growing. It keeps growing until you take care of it, and start at beginning. You start with the one thing that gave it life, and you speak for yourself. Don't tell people what they have done wrong, let them know how you feel, and what you've gone through. I did that, but it blew up in my face. He called me a lot of things, and some of them would've hurt if I hadn't thought those words about myself during the time he didn't have respect enough to tell me the truth. So I realized that today I don't think I would even call him my friend, and it's strange how something negative can actually give us something positive. 

After this long story time of something very confusing, I hope to discuss what we should do with the negative things we think or feel. Because it's not a great feeling. It's not even an okay feeling. We need to let the positive things in our lives take over the negative things, and trust me I know it's hard, but it's a fight worth fighting.

When something negative happens, let it happen. Cry, scream, run, destroy something nearby (like a plate or rip up a piece of paper, if you like to) and let yourself breathe because if you don't let yourself feel it for a second, then you can't take care of it. Because we usually just let it be and we think it's okay, and we move on with our life. But then at some point in your life, and you're extra sensitive and those negative things decide that it's okay to come back. That's when you hurt someone you love, or you hurt yourself. So when it happens, let it happen, and then you take a deep breath and you tell yourself that it's okay to feel vulnerable and imperfect, because it's quite beautiful. And then, you talk to the person or if it's yourself; write to yourself and let them/you know how you feel. Talk about why it made you feel negative or think negative. It's important to let yourself know why you thought or felt the way you did, and sometimes it's also important to let the person you thought/felt it about know. And after all of this; write down a list of things you love, cherish and is grateful of having or being, and you read this every single time you feel that the negative things are taking over. It actually helps. It makes you feel happy and grateful over the things you have, the things you are and the people you have.

Do remember though, to keep people in your life that brings you joy and that you can give joy back. Because You are an important piece to this puzzle I like to call life, and you are worth the moment when the positive things take over the negative things. 

elsa

[lifebyelsa]

So I've been thinking..

is it selfish, wrong or actually okay for us to not want to deal with illnesses that leads to death?

A heart condition, dementia, alzheimer, mental illnesses, blood pressure, or strokes; I could probably make a big list of different illnesses in old age. But it doesn't matter because It's always hard to find out that one of your loved ones are at the end of their journey, and it doesn't make it any easier when you realize you don't want to be apart of it either.

In my situation it's about my grandmother. A few years back, she had her first stroke, and no one thought she would end up where she is today. But she did. And now its so severe that she can see people that don't exist, she forgets to shower or how to undress and dress herself. It's gotten to the point where she knows one minute that she's sick and she hates every second of it till the point where she thinks I am my mother and her daughter.

Though I'm not sure what is worse, the moment where she's clear and she knows that she's sick, and can't do anything about it. Or the moment where she's so gone in her own world, that nothing seems real anymore. It's not easy for her, and if I could do anything to make it go away, make her well and healthy. I would. But there's nothing I can do, and I can barely do anything now to make her life as comfortable as possible before the end. Because isn't that what we are supposed to do? Make it as comfortable as possible for the people we love, that aren't well enough to make their own life comfortable? But truth be told, what is comfortable? How do we do such a thing when they barely know what it is to them? Maybe comfortable is just the beginning of the word. Comfort. 

Maybe we're supposed to just comfort them till they crack, till they are non-existent. But I can't do it. I can't look her in the face, and pretend that everything is alright when it's not? She's dying, and I can't do anything about it. I can't go and visit her because as selfish as it may seem, I want to remember her as healthy, well and happy. I want to remember life, I don't want to remember death. But then again, maybe it's a beautiful idea and thought I have. That I want to remember her as alive, and this strong, smart, courageous, imperfect but yet a woman that has done everything for her family, and the people around her. Is it so wrong that I rather want to remember that, instead of her dying? 

I'm not sure, people. But I'm sure of one thing. I hate diseases. 

elsa

[lifebyelsa]

Is it really better to be alone than to 'fake it'?

I have always been the kind of person to preach about being alone. That being alone would be some kind of soul searching experience. I have basically said that you can never know who you are until you know who you are, when you are alone. And to be honest with you, I have always believed it too. Like that expression " You can not love anyone, until you have learnt how to love yourself." - But I have realized that those words are complete shit. You can love someone before you can love yourself. Because the only thing holding you back is the fear of people leaving, and then it is not you choosing to be alone. Someone else is choosing it for you. 

Though I have chosen to be alone, I like being alone most of the time, but sometimes I find myself thinking that the love other people get for one and other - that it is something I should want for myself too. And that is where I keep taunting myself with this odd question. Is it really better to be alone than to "fake it"? and by "fake it", I mean fake your way into someone's heart and lie to yourself so you can for just a few moments feel the kind of happiness that someone else is genuinely feeling. And I have tried it. Even though I am only 20 years old, I have tried faking my feelings to find those rainbows, unicorns and pots of gold in the middle of nowhere. And it works for a while, you are happy. You enjoy the time you spend with the man, or the woman you are faking it for and for those moments; you actually believe you are as genuinely happy like the rest of the love crowd. 

But then when you are all alone in your bed, and you are just about to fall asleep; you realize that the feelings you have convinced yourself of having. They have disappeared and the man or woman, you had spent so many hours with.. They are out of your sight and out of your mind. Because they never really belonged there to begin with. 

So what are we choosing to do? Are we choosing to fake it for a few more years, to see if one day; one of those people we fake it for, will actually end up being real? Or are we choosing to be alone and wait for those rainbows, unicorns and pots of gold? I am not entirely sure what I want to do, or what is actually better. But as long as I choose to be alone, than faking it will never be better. 

elsa

[lifebyelsa]

A thousand years, and a thousand more

I've decided to take my blog into another direction because if I don't, I will only write whenever I feel like something in me isn't quite right. But now I've decided to wonder. Wonder about the things we all go through, and the things we all want some kind of answers to. I'm ready to some how explain my reality to you in a neutral way, in a way that you may relate to. 

So this is a new approach to life, and you can call me Elsa. 

[lifebyelsa]

there is nothing like an empty thought and knowing the lonely answer

You know those times, when you are laying in your bed and staring, that dazed blank stare into the ceiling waiting, for some kind of thought to rush through your head. But you feel nothing. You are not sad, you are not happy, you are just numb. Complete numbness; that is what you are and for the moment your head is temporarily paralyzed, so you can somehow grasp those thoughts you have been longing for.

But those thoughts never show up, they stay hidden for the sake of your heart. But you just wait, and you keep waiting because for as long as you have lived, you have known those thoughts like they were your own soul; which they were for a while. But now - They have left you, like everyone else. They have left your heart, just like all those people you trusted your heart with. Again you stare, you stare that dazed blank stare, waiting for something more, wishing that those thoughts will arrive again. They will come back and tell you that you are worth it, you are worth the life you were given.

It is not that easy anymore; I can never breathe and just be at peace anymore. I can not grasp those thoughts that once told me I was worth my life, that I was worth the people that stayed. I can not grasp the earth, the reality I wanted to live in. I can not save the person I used to be, I can only embrace the person I am now. A person who does not stare a blank, dazed stare - I am a person who stares that black, hard and blank stare. No more dazing, no more wishing, no more wanting. All I can do; is look at the world as it is. A hard cold but amazing sweet world; A world I know the future me will survive.

[lifebyelsa]

I dance with the devil and drink with the demons

I’ve got the sins of my youth in my pocket and there’s no turning back. I breathe when there’s no air. I speak where I can’t be heard. I see when I’m not aloud to look.

Jag försöker sätta mina tankar runt mitt finger för att på något sätt kunna kontrollera det jag tänker. Men det är svårt när det som tar upp majoriteten av mina tankar består av de som vill ta mitt liv. Så jag dansar med djävulen och dricker med demonerna. Jag ler åt det onda, precis som du ler till din granne. Jag leker med sådant som jag inte riktigt bör röra vid, för annars skulle inte livet leka med mig.

Han kallade mig sitt barn och tog min hand. Han sa att allting skulle bli bättre om jag bara lyssnade på de ord han sa. Han började förklara sakta vad det var med mig alla föraktade. Han satt länge och förklarade. Jag satt och stirrade på honom, och såg hur hans läppar rörde sig i takt med rösten jag hörde. Jag funderade på vad han inte hade sagt, men han sa allting - varje liten detalj. Sen skratta han lugnt och sa; “Allting är bättre nu. Du vet varför folk föraktar dig. Varför folk lämnar dig. Nu vet du.” Jag ställde mig upp och stirrade djupt i hans ögon och sa; “Kommer du lämna mig nu?” Han tog min hand, smekte den lätt och skakade på huvudet. Jag log och suckade med lättnad. Han skakade på huvudet ännu en gång och sa; “Jag ska inte lämna dig; men du ska lämna mig. Du förstår inte mycket du, men ändå förstår du allting. Det är dags för dig att lämna mig.” Jag ler och kysser hans kind lätt. Jag backar bakåt, för att det sista jag vill se när jag lämnar världen; är hans ögon. De ögonen som stirrade djupt in i min själ och förstod att de gjorde för ont för mig att leva. Han förstod att de var inte människor som lämna mig. Det var jag som tvinga dom att lämna mig.

Jag gick bakåt tills jag inte längre kunde gå, jag kunde inte längre känna, jag kunde inte längre se, jag kunde inte längre höra, jag kunde inte längre veta vem han var. Det fanns ingenting kvar. Jag försvann till ingenting.

[lifebyelsa]

No more pain bitch, you took me for granted. Took my heart and ran it straight into the planet

Spegeln lutade sig mot väggen som den alltid gjorde, hon kollade sig runt i rummet innan hon stängde dörren. Sakta, släpade hon sina ben mot spegeln och satte sig ner framför den. Hon kollade intensivt på sin egna spegelbild för att försöka komma ihåg det orden han en gång hade sagt till henne. “Du är vacker, min älskling. Du är den vackraste människan som någonsin vandrat på denna planet.” Det var de orden som gick på den långa, mörka och tomma vägen i hennes huvud. Hon kunde inte se det han hade sagt. Hon kunde inte förstå varför han hade sagt det. Personen hon såg i spegeln var ingen som hon ansåg sig vara vacker eller det minsta söt - för enligt henne är alla människor åtminstone söta. Men hon såg det inte alls. Allt hon såg var en människa med fel, en människa som var tom och på något sätt patetisk. Hon såg en människa som aldrig skulle kunna bli älskad för vad hon var. Hon var en person som inte kunde leva varken ensam eller med någon annan.

Hon skrev de orden som han hade sagt till henne på spegeln. De fyllde hennes hjärna med frågor som aldrig kommer att bli besvarade. Hon stirrade på ordet vacker och kunde fortfarande inte koppla de ordet med henne själv. Paniken började krypa fram i hennes själ, för ordet fick henne att vilja skrika, det fick henne att vilja springa så långt att ingen skulle kunna få tag på henne. Hon visste inte vad ordet betydde, hon visste inte hur hon skulle hantera ordet eller känslan som fick hennes kropp att vilja fall ihop i tusen bitar.

Hon ställde sig upp och tog tag i de första hårda objektet hon kunde hitta. Hon skrek och kastade objektet i spegeln. Tårarna började rinna ner för hennes kind, hennes kropp började darra och hon drog sina händer över ansiktet. “Fan.” skrek hon med all kraft hon hade kvar. Nu fanns det ingenting kvar för henne. Hennes tankar var fyllda med frågor. Hennes kropp slutade funktionera och benen vek sig. Hon kände ett hugg i hjärtat och föll mot marken. Tårarna fortsatte att falla ner för hennes kinder och livskraften hade försvunnit. Rösterna i huvudet, berättade för henne att ingen skulle kunna älska någon som henne, de förklarade hur hon aldrig skulle kunna fixa sig själv. Dom skrek och bad henne att försvinna. Dom sa att hon kom till världen för att alla andra skulle må bra av att se henne. Inte för att hon skulle rädda dom, utan för att dom kände sig starkare, lyckligare, vackrare och även bättre än henne när hon var runt dom. Rösterna berättade att hennes patetiska liv inte var värd någons uppmärksamhet, dom sa att hon kunde aldrig vara tillräcklig.

Hon blinkade ett flertal gånger för att få bort tårarna som föll ner för hennes kinder som en ström. Hon kollade runt sig igen, och såg glasbitarna från spegeln ligga runt henne. Hon tog tag i en av dom och beslutade sig för att lyssna på rösterna. Rösterna har rätt. Dom kände henne utantill och om dom inte ville ha henne runt sig, hur kan någon annan vilja det då? Hon tog ett djupt andetag samtidigt som hon tryckte den förstörda glasbiten mot sin handled. Rösterna påminde henne ännu en gång att det var de enda rätta, att det inte fanns någon annan utväg. Hon var tvungen att försvinna för att alla skulle kunna må bra igen. Hon kollade ner på sin handled och drog glasbiten över hennes handled. Pulsen pulserade och blodet rann med kraft från ådern. Hon kände hur hennes hjärta började dunka snabbare; smällen kommer snart, snart är jag där jag hör hemma tänkte hon -  och precis innan hon kände att hjärtat slutade slå. Så hörde hon rösterna i huvudet säga; “Han älskar dig mer än sitt egna liv. Du tog precis döda på hans själ och hans vilja att leva.”

[lifebyelsa]

Cast a wish to the moon afar, spare a thought for the one who matters. If we could only mend the breaks, open up our arms to fate, sweet fate

“Du har förstört dig själv. Du är död för mig. Du finns inte kvar!” Skrek hon med rädslan i halsen. Hon visste inte vad hon skulle ta vägen längre. Hon kände hur hela hon bara ville stå där och skrika på honom tills han förstod att hon ville inte längre vara kvar med honom. Hon ville inte se honom försvinna för alltid. Så hon ville försvinna innan han försvann. Tårarna forsade ner för hennes kinder, och han stod där och stirrade på henne utan att säga ett ord. Han såg allt ont han hade gjort henne, men rädslan att hon skulle försvinna för alltid fick honom att skaka, det fick honom att vilja skada sig själv. “Jag älskar dig.” sa han lugnt och upprepade sig själv “Jag älskar dig.” - Han visste inte hur han skulle få henne att stanna, men han var tvungen att försöka.

Hon vände sig om, redo att gå och aldrig se tillbaka, men han tog tag i hennes arm och drog henne till sig. Han tittade på henne med ett lätt leende på läpparna, läpparna skakade och känslan av att förlora henne, fyllde hans hjärta med sorg. Han lät sina händer vandra över hennes kropp. Dom rörde sig sakta över hennes höfter och upp till hennes rygg. Han spände sina armar runt henne och kollade på henne, han klarade inte riktigt av att se henne i ögonen ännu, för rädslan att se hur ont hon hade, skulle ha tagit hans liv. Han lutade sig framåt och tog ett djupt andetag, han kände hur hans hjärta började dunka snabbare när den ljuva doften av vanilj nådde hans luktsinnen. Med hans armar runt henne, kände hon sig ännu en gång säker, hon kände lättnad, hon tittade upp på honom och log, så enkelt men samtidigt så elegant, det var som att alla bekymmer dom hade haft bara försvann. Men han kunde fortfarande inte riktigt greppa tag i varför hon hade valt honom efter allting han hade tvingat henne att gå igenom.

Men han kände hennes armar sakta röra sig runt hans nacke, och hur hon rörde sig närmare hans kropp. Lättnaden var stor och varje gång hon var i hans närhet, så kändes världen så mycket lättare på hans axlar, han släppte alla de misslyckanden han hade lyckats med. Han kände sig fri och enkel med henne, som att ingenting skulle kunna förstöra lugnet som fanns runt omkring dom när hon var där. Han tittade djupt in i hennes oskyldiga ögon som skimrade på grund av tårarna; hennes ögon var så enkla men de bar aldrig bara en färg; dom var aldrig likadana som sekunden innan. Hans leende var oföränderlig när han var med henne, hon kunde alltid få honom att le som aldrig förr och det var aldrig mycket som krävdes från henne. Allt hon behövde göra var att titta på honom med sina skiftande och oskyldiga ögon; så log han som att all ilska, förnedring och olycka bara försvann från hans tankar.

Hon suckade lätt, fortfarande med gråten i halsen och sa “Jag älskar dig också, jag kommer alltid att älska dig. Men jag vill ha hela dig, jag vill inte sakna en liten del av dig. Jag vill att du ska ge mig hela dig. Förstår du det?” Han lutade sig ner mot hennes axel och virade sina armar runt henne hårdare. Han blundade och kände hur tårarna lätt började fall ner för hans kind. “Jag behöver dig” sa han och läpparna skakade fortfarande av rädslan att förlora henne. “Jag vill - Jag vill ge dig hela mig.” sa han och strök sina händer över hennes rygg och kollade på henne igen. “Då måste du låta mig se hela dig. Du måste låta mig veta; vad som pågår.” sa hon och tryckte sina gråt blöta läppar mot hans darrande och fint linjerade läppar. Hon drog sina händer genom hans hår, och kysste honom intensivt. Hon kände hur all rädsla som hon hade gått och burit på bara släppte och han kände hur allting bara passade; dom passade.

Det var dom mot världen. Det var dom mot hans sjukdom. Det var dom mot ondskan som tvingade henne att alltid stå på hennes vakt. Det var dom mot rösterna i hans huvud. Det var han och hon. Det var deras simpla men ändå så komplicerade kärlek som fick honom att orka kämpa. Kämpa mot allting som fick honom att vilja försvinna.