diary of a thirty something

[lifeisbuffering]

When will the inner critic shut up

By profession, I am a writer.

So it is really shameful to say I have not written anything in a year.

Sure, I've written emails and notes and letters but not a single article or short story since 2012.

My editor has given up on me and stopped sending me reminders.

Here's the problem, I have so many ideas and they are causing a bottle-neck traffic in my brain but whenever I try to get them out - nothing.

I have an article due this week and I know how I want it to turn out but anything I start with just doesn't look good enough.

[lifeisbuffering]

Let go

There are people who have hurt me in the past. 

It's nothing new. We all have those people in our lives.

But each night, for the past 3 years, I would wake up in the middle of the night (the annoying 3 am witching hour habit) and instead of 'raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens' these people come to mind.

It's an annoying thing. And we can't help it. It just happens. That's where our minds go for some reason. Not the Benedict Cumberbatch dream you were just having, but that person who bullied your or misunderstood you and who refuse to give you a chance.

So what does one do?

Well, someone told me to just say "I forgive them" and go back to sleep.

I've been doing that for the past 3 nights now.

Does it make me feel better? 

Maybe, a little. (to be honest, barely)

It hurts to know that there are people in this world who hate your guts.

Or just don't like you, period, regardless of what you do.

And I can't just forget them. Some of these people I see every day.

Forgiveness is not easy. It takes time. I want to forgive and forget. I really do.

Maybe someday, I will be able to wake up at 3 am and not need to say "I forgive them" anymore.

Maybe someday, I'll wake up at 3 am and worry about Pennywise the Clown hiding under the bed or that red-faced demon thingie from Insidious instead.

When that night comes, it'd be really great.

...

If you were expecting a happy ending, sorry, I am not a story. I am just a work in progress.

[lifeisbuffering]

At 30

This blog is an attempt to get things out of my head so that I myself can get out of my head.

I overthink. Then, after overthinking, I overthink about overthinking.

It doesn't really help get things done. Or make me a better person. In fact, I think it is making me a worse human being because I'm slowly turning into a character from a Woody Allen film - which would be awesome and critically acclaimed, I am sure - but not helpful to me (or to the world) at all.

This isn't who I thought I would be at 30.

I don't know, I didn't really have a concrete description of the type of person I would be at 30 but I was expecting somebody more awesome and kickass.

(As I type this, I can hear Jon Hamm's voice narrating the words in my head -- I don't think that's normal... Is it? Should I see a doctor? Or just stop watching Mad Men for a while?)

So...

...this blog is an attempt to help me become a better person. A healthier human being. Someone I would be proud of knowing.

Here is where I would put into words the things I am always trying to figure out in my head rather than stare at the ceiling all night.

This is also the place where I will document my attempts at self-development.

(I really don't like the word 'attempt' - Yoda said, do or do not, there is no try.)

As a rule, this blog will be more free verse and unedited as my other blogs, since it is my mind dump and trying to sound witty or organized will just make my documentation less honest.

Seriously, a lot of us blog or write knowing we have an audience and that affects how we write something. There is always that aim to please. I want to get rid of that constraint. I don't want to please anyone.

I just want to be a better person at 30 than I was at 29.