This begun as something simple yet now turned into a reaaall long post. It sums up most of what I know of myself and sort of is one of my regular revolutionary breakthroughs of 'I FINALLY UNDERSTAND SOMETHING ABOUT MY LIFE!!' so yeah. read if you want :)) i am proud of it.
I think it is quite fucked up my brain has decided promptly from a young age that feigning helplessness and weaponising my incompetence is a good way to get results.
Yes I do feel annoyed when my brain refuses to do simple tasks, even when for my own benefit, and with zero downside or on the contrary a huge downside if i do not do it, and yet I can not help it.
No it is not a conscious decision and I am tired of people believing it is as it is more close to executive dysfunction or adhd paralysis rather than laziness or being some form of an overgrown brat.
No i do not make it another's problem that I can not do something on my own nor do I try force or guilt people into bending to my will.
And yet, yes, I do made a sad little dog-like face when I feel a task is too big for me, yes I do expect others to quickly rush to my aid in my time of need, yes I choose to give mixed cues about my state and desires that lead others on a wild goose chase towards something I could have probably explained better with words.
And I also think it is fucked up nobody answers back to those subtle cues I make anymore and tried to assure me that I am a capable adult. For I am not. You see, I want to have a mutt-life. I am a stray that begs for scraps and sleeps in a warm bed yet is gone the second you take out a collar. I want to belong to noone yet be adored by all. Not in desire of fame, but desire of recognition and care. To be tended for and understood even while I struggle to understand myself still.
Well, you see, the problem with this is, that it works.
I would wholely starve unless fed, and have had multiple days where I did not eat even when nearing collapse because nobody reminded me or offered me food until like 5pm, and I also outright am ambiguous on my hunger due to my brain having convinced me that making a decicion risks it being wrong and so i pathetically say 'I dunno' to questions which i clearly have a preference and knowledge in, leading to me being seen as not hungry while infact starving.
And I honestly don't really see anything wrong with that. It's a collection of experiences and beliefs and nuances that have been built up subconsciously and without my doing, so to recognise them is the greatest influence I can have on them, as I have not really figured out nor do i want to have some grand solution to it.
I want to be a dog of sorts. I want to have every need met - be clothed, have shelter, be given the means to bathe, all the water in the world, all the food I may ever need, and attention - yet I do not want to be seen as something less than or incapable.
Like a dog, I could go out and hunt - I could probably set off and tear through the neck of a wounded bird until I satisfy the emptiness in my stomach, feeding like my ancestors did, but why should I? Going to a butcher's after closing, pretending to limp, and giving the saddest look for a few scraps does just the trick, and if I get shooed off numerous times while I find my ideal person, so be it. I crave the warmth of a home, yet hate the constraints of the walls. I am not defined by the fur on my flesh nor teeth I bare, yet it seems that even the wild animals view me through it. I- a dog - would walk into the forest and sleep under the brambles, the fleas tearing into my coat until I plea wordlessly to the humans to treat it. They would keep me safe, keep me clean, and yet - I would escape. I would leave again, only to repeat the same thing. I'd have wounds from drunk men chasing me down, and learn to avoid those people, and soon - recognise the faces who will love and care for me, only to leave them in the night.
But like a dog, I have also been raised amongst humans. I have been domesticated. I am not feral, as much as I daydream to be, and as much as the wild calls to me. I am not (yet) independent, and to have me thrown out would be as harmful as it would be to abandon a pet. I am not a pet - yet the analogy works.
I have been wanting to transfer this into words for so long and only now have I finally sat down and figured out how to say it. I seek no judgement, advice, help, nor validation, only the ability to express what must be said, and offer it as an experience for others to relate to, learn on, or inquire about. Let us share stories on how our minds work, and as such, learn more on who we are as individuals and society as a whole.
Mortality is a simple thing, one which I sometimes do not resonate with due to how limiting it is, and yet I find it pleasurable. I am not fully human, I do not believe I could be, when my soul is of such magnitude that I can hardly confine it to JUST the form I have currently. Having opposable thumbs is good, and this immense self awareness, and the ability to transform thoughts to language others understand, and to recognise beauty, and to be able to not fear every waking moment of life on my survival, and that is just that.
I do not view myself as mentally ill because I am not disturbed in the way I function on a day to day life. Considering my norm and abilities, I am quite fine the way I am, albeit in other circumstances such as living alone I would probably be wilting away into nothingness and crave short-form pleasure such as entertainment and drug stimulation, no joke, but as of right now - I can live, exist, survive, and somewhat thrive too. Sure not to the best of my ability, and I can not say I enjoy every single day, but we must accept life in all of its highs and lows.
I am potentially neurodivergent, enough to claim this label as my own, but I do not seek any diagnosis as I believe that inherently seeking out a problem will create more as a consequence and induce a sense of 'wrong'ness to life. I have symptoms, sure, but they are trait as are any. It only ever matters if I have problems in my life that require some form of help or treatment and which a diagnosis could help provide certainty into what may or may not work. A handrail isn't just for those who struggle to walk but also for those who may feel more steady to hold on while walking up or down stairs. Sunglasses are not just for those with light sensitivity but also who just may benefit with less of the blinding effects of our beloved Sol. And tips/advice/guides/support for those with autism are not just for those who are autistic.
I felt a sense of worry over the fact I was 'wrong' in some way, I tried to find every single thing wrong with me, put it into a nice list, and cross check with every disorder and spectrum I could. I tried to find symptoms that were not there just so I could fill in the full checklist. I looked too deeply into healthy and reasonable behaviours and thoughts, ripping them out of context, just to put it as something that could make me one thing or another. It is a mere guide, after all, and not definite. The mind is a complex thing, and still we can understand lots about it. But trying to stress over what thing is wrong with you will make you feel much more sadder.
I reasoned that, if anything, I find the things that bother me. I feel like I am tired? I am lacking sleep. How come? I use tumblr too long and often. Why? I want the engagement and percieved support. Why? I feel like I get too little attention otherwise. Does it help? Not really. And what can I do about it? Listen to the radio and give verbal comment back at the commentators when they talk about something, ask the public questions, or simply in the silence between their rambling. Did that work? Indeed so! I fell asleep to their voices, and it felt oddly soothing.
Oh, and the masking? It is the natural change of self for every person. Most do it without recognising - you are not as bubbly and outgoing with your boss/teacher as you are with your friends, you are not as open with your coworkers/peers/classmates as you may be with your family, and obviously you will put on a different appreance for each person. A stranger making you feel unsafe and afraid? Tough-Guy persona. A worried and upset little child comes to you for help? Soothing-Caring persona. A cashier asks if you want a bag or reciept? Customer persona. Most often than not, you will not use a Tough-Guy persona on a little child because it is not the right time or situation for it (unless your brain has decided that the child is also unsafe and as such we must defend ourselves with tough-guy persona, that is why many often carry this hostility to them no matter the fact if another is kind or not, the brain has experienced too much harm now it decides to avoid it all together).
So many things can be explained in much more managable, easier, and positive ways. I am all for people being proud of their identities, but I just have felt that urge to make up things about myself to fit in for so long, that I must dial it back, and I remind others to do so too.
You don't have to be 'more sick' to be mentally unwell, you do not have to be more 'strange' to be regarded as neurodivergent, you do not have to be more 'wild' to be considered alterhuman, you do not have to look or act a certain way to be more queer. You are you, and whatever you choose to call yourself is that.
I used to think i was a wolf therian, then dog therian, I liked acting like a canine and I felt close to them. Then, I realised I was assigning the name to a copinglink identity, it was stress and unease that caused me to want to be more simpler, focus on instincts over the complexity of my mind, and yet I use all of the 3 labels for it. Because nobody can take that fact away from me, because nobody knows how exactly I feel from it, and that is fine. I also realised that dogs and people both share similar traits - both can feel hurt, happy, pained, confused, worried, lost, hungry, angry, excited, nervous - their way of expressing it merely fascinated me, and to this day I enjoy reflecting that with a whimper/whine, a light bark, or bowing my head just like they do. Human behaviour aswell as animal behaviour both fascinate me, and I think the lure to psychology and figuring both of these out was due to me seeking answers to the question of 'who am I and why? why do i act like this, think like this, and exist?' I think it strikes everyone and at different ages and maybe even more often that just one period of time, but despite that, we still live on - wether or not we know how to explain something or not. It probably makes sense, but I am not the one who must describe everything right now.
I also used to think I was bisexual, then pansexual, then polyamarous - all because I could not see any difference between attraction between the genders. All seemed cool and sweet and enjoyable to be around, I could live with any person and appreciate them for them, I also did not care for whatever parts someone had, and thought it was strange others made such a big deal out of it. I would love to have a wife, or husband, or both, or neither. I would just appreciate someone nearby, and I would also adore being alone for an indefinite period of time. Later, I found out I was aroace. Fluctuating, really, from finding it repulsive to being neutral to somewhat appreciating it as a concept, but I do not add the 'flux' as I do not care to explain to people the nuances I carry with it. To them, I am as good as a non-option for any sort of interest. It is somewhat disgusting to me to be assigned such a thing, yet I try not to make a big deal out of it, similarly in media - as much as I adore queer representation, I can not stand the fact people make shipping and romance the whole thing a character is, boiling them down to how attractive or inlove they are. Still, I do not ruin anyones fun, as I expect them not to ruin mine.
I was once trans, then genderfluid, then nonbinary, I am agender. I do not hold much meaning to this construct, and yet I love the fact many enjoy experimenting with xenogenders and neopronouns. I love the fact there is the ability to personalise your identity more, and I am all for normalising this. I use nym/nyms by the way, despite having never been regarded as such nor likely will be. I enjoy the idea of someone reffering to me, to another, 'Have you seen nym? I love nyms new coat!' but I settle for they/them. Still, the agony of binary in this world still has me being forced to settle into a box, and amongst the ideas I have gathered, it is either 'feeble, pretty, people-serving, child-orientated, simpleminded individual' or 'big, intimidating, labour-working, hardheaded, gruff individual' ofcourse it is not that simple, yet is it not? I sadly settle for many seeing me as a man, I actually enjoy sometimes witnessing my body be truly masculine, I enjoy the comfort of being still regarded as human because femininity seems to be synonymous with someone 'lesser than' despite dresses being far more comfortable in hot weather, and even while not having personally experienced any hate, I do not choose to be the inbetween, as much as I am. I am neutral, yet seen as someone so simple. It is fun, at times, and I do not feel much to being called sir or ma'am. I enjoy my body as is, I like seeing it, I like my face, I like who I look like, my style is dapper, and still - many miss the complexity of being something <other> without necessarily being 'wrong'. FUNFACT! People define everything differently!!
I used to worry if I were autistic, or had adhd, or maybe schizophrenia, or even bipolar, I looked through dozens of articles and stories and guides and checklists, I kept pleading to be taken for an official test, and something along the lines of waiting for the final breakthrough of what it is that is going in with me, I realised - 'Holy shit. I am just as varied in my experiences as everyone else around me. I am not like my parents despite being related to them wholely, nor do I act and think like my siblings, despite growing up amongst them. My peers do not act like me despite being the same age, and those who think like me do not look like me. It is because my environment, the activities and events I have undergone, and the beliefs instilled into me by people (directly or indirectly) have gone to shape me. I am not wrong for anything I think or feel for it is wholely unique to me and has been caused by what I was exposed to. I do not identify myself with gender as it was never a big deal to anyone close to me. I do not find politics and gossip interesting because I was never shown the fun of it and rather understand how harmful it can be to base your mentality off of things beyond your control. I am still easily shapen and do concern myself with the opinion of others, but it is not because I am paranoid, but rather it is a survival tactic engraved into our species, because fitting in assures we survive, and being rejected by our own kind means we are not going to survive, and yet it is not something I must worry about, as I inherently deserve the right to be here, with all my abilities and lack of abilities too. I have been made into the image of my present through an elaborate web of past that nobody else can share. Only I know who I truly am because I am with myself every waking moment of the day while others can only be partially there, I am inside my head while others only get the behaviours and words that must be transcribed through the array of neural connections I have gathered with the years. Nobody can experience my life because it is inherently impossible to be in the same exact place at the same exact time as another person, you can only get so close, and let alone do regularly from birth to be able to form the exact same mind. And STILL you would view the world differently, just think of conjoined twins with different personalities!!!'
I have many things about me, many things within, my inner world is wide. And it is a bit silly to sometimes thing it is only me who is like this. The world has more than 8,000,000,000 people in it, countless of individuals of animals, and so many individual places that it hurts my head just to try fathom of it. Who knows what exists beyond the planet too. And we STILL try shove things in boxes?? We try organise things into little 'This or That' things, try to assure others that 'Its either 1 or 2' either 'A or B', black n white, left or right. But it is not! it's just not like that. Its a whole bunch of grays, actually a whole spectrum of colours and light and hues.. actually- there's even more that we can not see!! Can you see beyond the light spectrum the average person can witness? probably not! and yet do you notice that I have never mentioned the fact 'everybody'? Because exceptions always existed, exist, and will exist. To pretty much every idea. Not all want to be alive, and not all want to end it all. Not all feel fulfilled in their life, and not all feel miserable in their life. Not all love the sunshine, and not all love the rain. Not all love the wind, and not all love the sky. It is a whole bunch of nuance, and many answers can be expanded with a 'but, yet, because, also, not always, sometimes, rarely, occasionally, as..'
THE WORLD IS BEAUTIFUL AND KIND AND FULL OF SUCH VARIETY THAT I FEEL ENDLESSLY GREATFUL FOR IT!! And once again, I am reminded of the truth that I am set upon: I am the concept of Life itself, in mortal form. It does not mean I am explicitly excited over the fact every day or my life, nor do I always feel that, nor does it really affect me much beyond that, nor do I always recognise the beauty of life. Yet there's a steady thrum of certainty, one I felt almost nowhere else, that my soul is something beyond this world, and something that makes me excited to be here, and that everyone and everything is one - just spread apart into billions of little individual parts.
I feel joy just like someone else might feel it, I feel sorrow just like someone else on Earth might. My weariness is shared in its exact experience with atleast one another. And just like my desire to write is prominent, another may not care for it. I do not really find gaming all that enjoyable or invigorating, and others are beyond casual gamers and spend each day going at their game of choice for hours. We are all combined into one, in spirit, yet this as a topic will make me seem like a lunatic.
I do not consider myself a lunatic. I am only aware of the status quo to be able to ensure myself enough safety that I am not emotionally, mentally, nor physically threatened or endangered by any individual. This is a natural occuring phenomenon, and I feel more happy to recognise it rather than fear another's perception over me.
I do not disregard my idea that what some call 'god' is just the intertwining web between all things living - plant and being/creature - and that being within nature is just making you surrounded in a thicker web of more and more tangled, and that fulfilling feeling is due to this concept, but then again - would the average individual care to hear much on it? Probably not. But then again, maybe someone I meet would love it, and would share my ideology there, or maybe they'd reject it or even feel startled over it. I would not know, for I do not check. Maybe they await something so magical as it, maybe they already think something so similar, or maybe they have a hidden gun and are waiting for me to show sign of being insane. It is a gamble, one you may never know your brain is actively balancing out, and that anxiety may sometimes come in just at the right time. Because, after all, you are alive, and with that, your body is trying to stay alive, despite what you may think or want.
You are different, as everyone is. You are you, because you have to be and deserve to be. You can be you, as you should be. You are still you even when you do not want to be. You are just here, and there you are. I am proud of you, happy for you, no matter if we share traits or qualities that either one may dislike or find strange.
I can not get rid of all my biases, for I do not know how to, nor do I care to. Some are necessary to keep me safe, and even if others do not hold the same ideas, that does not mean mine are wrong nor theirs are.
Still, I will be defensive as is expected of me should my beliefs be challenged. Still, I will seek to learn and grow and get better no matter how confusing this world is. Still, I will fear those who are loud - for lack of controlling your volume means you lack the control of your behaviours - and I do not want to be harmed. Still, I will also forget to control my own volume when I bark out with laughter with friends or family, disregarding the fact the prior one exists within me.
Contradiction is divinity, and I do now owe you explanation.
There is no rules to life, and yet your brain creates many shortcuts to figure out how to do things better, quicker, and more pleasantly. It tries to maximise rewards and minimise effort.
So, tell me, did that make sense? Do you feel changed? Did this feel beautiful to see and witness? Did you read the whole thing? Do you experience something similar?
I also appreciate the ability for language. All the while, so many people can not fathom something just as simple as a he/him lesbian or a dogkin who acts like a cat. There is so much nuance, and the second everyone gets over the limiting beliefs they hold, the world will be such a kinder place.
The ability to live a hundred lives, be able to imagine different realities or even have been reborn, and then to express all of it with ways others understand easily? then also share that for decades to come? it is beautiful. I adore life. I adore living. I love being alive, and once again, existence thrills me.
How incredible is it to hear about the life of a woodpecker given human speech? How amazing is it to see the art of a leopard given human hands? How wonderful is it to live amongst a world of gerbils and goblins and giffons given the ability to wear a face of a silly primate? How simply awe inspiring is it to know that, even a hyena, or an ocelot, or a coastal sea wolf can tell you about life in the wild in perspective and colours you could never imagine? Yet why do so many struggle to accept it? You have seen so many stories with anthropomorphised creatures, beasts, animals, and fauna, and how is this any different? Bunny the Dog (search them up) goes to prove that animals are far more intelligent and capable than you give them credit for, so to hear people reborn into humanity from such a past life, or being misdirected into being two-legged when there are four paws that ache to be fulfilled.. I personally adore these individuals, a community so diverse and beautiful, and all sharing one thing - we have life, and we live, and want to live. There is something so inherently beautiful about wanting to also express this, and find it again when we have lost the delight and joy to life, and the ability of others to respark it again.
Most seek connection, fulfillment, and wholeness, communities offer the good feelings in abundance, but do take a step back at times and realise - have you just become focused on fitting in with a different group rather than that which society had otherwise stuffed you into? Are you practicing the same desire to be found, known, and understood, just instead prioritising those you view closer in nature to yourself rather than the 'norm' shown in media and people elsewhere?
Are you truly you? and do you love life?
It is so easy to love life, and so easy to disregard that too. There is beauty everywhere - in the small choices, in ambiguity, in the multiple choice answers, in the feelings that are not yet defined, in the species that have not been found, in the criteria unspecified, in the rules broken, in the ideas put forth, and the life you are living.
I want you to keep living. there is so much beauty and joy out there, and I need you to witness more of it. Maybe if its rare, maybe once a month, or twice a year, it is still there - and it is sincere. and for that we must carry on. Life is beautiful, and you remember that for a while longer.
Why do people not see this more regularly? and- better yet- why do I forget so often?
