Life Of Pam @lifeofpam - Tumblr Blog

hey me. Just wanted to let you know that you’re okay.

you’re a month away from graduating. you found your other half.

you are happy.

just remember that things do get better so,

hang in there.

(11.3.18)

So I saw a post on Facebook saying to click on the center word 20 times on your keyboard and post that sentence. Well I didn't post it on fb obvi. Lol. But, it kind of hit me how accurate (scary accurate) how this sentence related to me. So I kept clicking the words. And so I'll just post this long paragraph my phone happened to create for me. Some don't make sense. But the ones that do, it's accurate: but yeah it's not a bad day when you get to see the people who are always wanted and I can't leave them for a good cause I just want to let me go out there for me a lot of people say I love them too lol I hope they do get it for me a lot of them too much lol lol I'm not feeling good today lol I hope I don't get my phone back tomorrow morning so I'm sorry for you to do come to my life lol I'm not feeling good today lol I'm not sure what I do I mean did I even know I was there lol lol I don't know why I didn't want you lol I just wanted you too bad I hope your feeling well I love your smile and you are my reason for your heart and you will be happy for me a lot of you will never take you out to my life I don't worry 10/7/16 12:19am

I'll admit it, I regret it

I regret the fact that I never had the guts to take a shot at love. I regret the fact that I always put assumptions over someone that made me lose a chance to get to know someone and gain a friendship. I regret hiding the things I really felt in front of someone that I actually really wanted to be with. Honestly it's hard. Like REALLY hard for me to open myself up. Even for someone who owns the key to their own heart has a hard time opening it. It sucks. This whole time I kept blaming and pointing fingers at others. But really I'm the one to blame. I am the one to blame of giving mixed signals. The confusion. The anger and frustration. Fuck..... sorry. 12:24 || 9/22/16

Please don't say you miss me

It’s funny, how words can be felt differently. But to me, “I miss you” is being said too often without the emotion. “I miss you” is becoming more like “I miss you, but not you.”

I hate how this phrase seems like it’s been thrown around easily from one another. I hate it because you never know how much saying “I miss you” can really mean to someone. But when nothing is done to show the “I miss you,” it starts to hurt. Every “I miss you” starts to trigger a pain in your mind and in your chest. Like a gun shot of “I miss you,” iconically speaking but the bullet doesn’t miss you. You are hit with every shot. And you stand there confused. Conflicted. Unsure of what “I miss you” means anymore. Because every single “I miss you” will come at you, but nothing is done to prevent it.

Yeah I know it goes both ways, but if the one receiving the “I miss you” is already damaged, what can you really expect? We stand there because we are watching who we once admire, who we once befriended, shoot you constantly. Pulling the trigger of “I miss you” But does absolutely nothing to save you.

And so you stand there, looking at all your wounds, and see that the person you once love hurt you. They probably don’t even know that they are hurting you, since they are too busy actually avoiding to pull the trigger on someone else.

So please, stop telling me you miss me. It hurts to hear those words that once comforted me. I’m sick of being shot with it but never being saved. So please if you really miss me, do something about it.

1:43am || 9/12/16

(But what sucks is to realize, if I ever pull the triggers of I miss you, it’ll probably never hurt you. -12/23/16)

I keep waking up during the same hour. And I'm so bothered with myself. Like can I stop ruining friendships? Pls...... Now I understand why I barely have any friends cause damn who would want to deal with me anyways? 7/9/16 || 4:22am

It's been a long while since I last started writing, but I found this hidden deep in my phone written around April, so enjoy: I hate you. I hate you by the moment we became friends Having someone to be stupid around And all the sudden our eyes meet I began to suddenly lose myself I hate you by the time you became consistent to me Our daytime stupidity became late night conversations Having your voice be the last thing I hear at night, but the first thing I hear in the morning. It's like artificially sleeping next to you, that I soon began to crave. I hate you because you're not realistically beside me. Leaving me with the cold presence of darkness on my bed side. I realize how much I began to crave your presence Instead I am left with the caressing touch of sadness as my tears role down my face Because I realize how much I hated you so much. I hate you, because you made me love you. 6/13/16 || 1:03am

Simple genuine acts of kindness is what really gets me thank you 6/11/16 || 1:53am

Last night for some reason a wave of thoughts just came over me, and there was one thing that kept me thinking the whole night. It’s the idea of how every person that comes across in your life, regardless of time span, that they can teach you a lesson or an experience. So in a way, each person is like a book. Each of them has a story to bring to you, or even educate you, whether or not you like it. But with every individual, you are fed with some type of knowledge or understanding. And to me that makes me think how each of these individuals in my life came to play in what they’ve taught me. What they’ve made me realize. Or what they will teach me in the future. Even tho people do come and go, each and every single one of them are important in some way. Each of them have a moral lesson regardless how long or short your story is with them. And that brings me back to thinking to myself. What kind of book am I too those I’ve come across? Well, whatever it is, I hope I was a good one. 6/10/16 || 10:38pm

Help I need distractions before I kill myself from overthinking

Late Night Gibberish

Don't even mind me this is probably just me on my period lmao but anyways I've been so bothered lately with my emotions... So let me just write whatever rn so I can finally make myself sleep: Man I just want to love someone already. Poor my love and my heart. I want to cuddle for warmth during these cold rainy nights. I want to feel the caress of your hands touching my cheeks and my back that will give me chills down my spine. I want to look into someone's eyes and just get lost in them. I want my lips to lock into his, finally traveling to cloud 9 and have my dreams become reality. I want to pray with you and let us bond together and create a stronger relationship with God and with each other. Man I just want someone to be with... Someone to motivate and love me for who I am... 4/11/16 || 1:30am

Lost

Contemplating... Where has Life brought me? I am lost in the midst of chaos. I've been manipulated by the social aspects of reality, not realizing how deep into the darkness life has brought me. But now as I look around, my ambitions, goals, dreams.... Are just lost. 4/7/16 || 8:08am

pamjoyuna

It's 3 in the morning.

I woke up from a dream. You were in it. Why do you always pop into my dreams. well, I wrote a quick poem. so here it goes:

Day and night, as restless as I can be, you’re always on my mind. Dreaming about what it would be like, to always be by your side.

You probably don’t even know my excistence, but youre someone who I can’t resist. so many reasons why I sigh, so many reasons why I cry.

For example,

Your smile. so irrisistable, like you’re laughter. it’s never replaceable.

That smell of your cologne whenever you past by, it’s a scent so unfamiliar, but a scent that I cannot deny. It’s like a drug to me, an addiction that I can’t revive.

Your talent is amazing, Yet, it’s so common. But your performace is so mesmerizing. Your skills blow me away, always putting a smile on my face.

Time by time I catch you starring in my direction, not knowing if it’s really me you’re looking at. or just dozing off your work and trying make some progression.

Your face, so innocent. I can’t resist but to just look at you. Then Our eyes meet. I don’t know what to do.

So then I turn away, Those seconds felt like hours. Just like that, you already made my day.

These reasons are just a few of many, the many reasons I sigh. the many reasons why I cry. Cause it’s not that hard to believe, That I can’t possibly have you. And as complicated as it seems, but you and I is only meant for it to be a dream.

pamjoyuna

This is probably my most favorite poem that I’ve wrote.

lifeofpam

for future reference

Attachment Phase

Yep here I go again.. I feel like attention is like drugs, the more you use it, the more you need it. So yes, I am referring to people being like a drug in some way. But the point is, it sucks being in this phase cause now I feel like a dependent clingy little betch K that was all. I was planning to make this point sound deep and stuff but it’s like halfway through the night I deserve to insult myself 3/24/16 || 3:44am

Late night cravings.... Sorta

Do you ever have that feeling late at night, rolling around you bed, and you just simply wish the pillows or the dozens of stuff animals can combine and morph into a human body? (Ok I just realized how weird that sounds but bare with me lol) But on a real note, you just want to be with someone. Have someone to snuggle with at night. Someone to share the same breath and to wake up to the next morning. Someone that will give you goodnight and good morning kisses. Man sorry, I feel so weird venting out about this since I'm typically not that kind of person that would share this side of me, but it's the truth. I get these kinds of late night cravings. Cravings for security, intimacy, and love (not in a sexual aspect tho lol). I don't know maybe it's cause I've never had a relationship before and as a hopeless romantic, that fact is slightly killing me. But who knows. But i don't know this is just something that's been bothering me. I might even delete this. But ugh the point is: I just really wanna cuddle with someone lmao ok bye 3/9/16 || 11:10pm

To those who are in a team,

Whether it's baseball, dance, or even work, remember you're not the only one. Don't think you're the only one struggling. Or the only one that's getting all the criticism, cause everyone else in your team is. And when your getting criticism, it's not that we're bashing on you. It's because we care about you and we want you to continue to show your best potential in whatever you do. So please don't take them the wrong way, we want you to be better, that's why we push you. Also please, stop complaining. I know it's tough, and I know sometimes it can even be painful to improve, but don't complain out loud. Keep it to yourself for now and talk about it after the job because It'll just rub off on all of us and it'll ruin the vibe of the team. And before you know it we all lose the motivation to improve. I know you may be going through something personal, but please keep that outside of the business. I know sometimes it's hard to conceal, but you don't have to announce it to everyone that you have a rough life, because we all do in our own way. Don't try to make your team constantly feel sorry for you and let you off the hook. We all have to move on and focus on the task rather than complaining about the problem. because complaining won't solve anything. So please, just be a team player. Your team is there to support you and build you, but if you constantly just shun your team then.... What's the point of being a part of the team? 2/27/15 || 1:20pm

Dream Boy pt. 2

Yup. He's back again. Only this time my dream took place apparently long into our relationship. Unfortunately I can only recall a few moments in my dream, but one of the main detail I can remember was that we were sitting at a bench, holding hands, and me laying on his shoulder. Just people watching at a park, and I remember that I looked at him, while he was still looking out to the distance. But there was something about that look that made me continue to recall this dream of mine. I think it wasn't just his attractiveness, but... It was the feeling that I had looking at him. It was that feeling of.... stability. I could remember that feeling of satisfaction I had with where I was at in life (or in my dream in this case). I don't know, it's just really hard to explain what I felt. Then again, maybe that's how love really feels. Once again, thank you dream boy for paying me another visit. Thank you for just reassuring myself that life will get better to the point where I can end up where I was at in my dream. To turn my dream to a reality one day. 2/24/16 || 12:36am

I'm clingy?

Ok ok. Let me explain before I scare you off. I know a lot of people hate those who get a little too attached, but let me tell you my story before you start judging.

I grew up having the memory of my parents separation haunting me. They were never married, but I can still remember that night where I was stripped away from my mother and having my dad drive off. And no matter how much I try to forget…. I can’t.

I also grew up with a military dad, so I never got to see him as much growing up since he was always out on deployments. So yes, I basically grew up without my parents always being there for me.

I grew up believing that my grandfather absolutely hated me because there was never one time he ever smiled or not yelled at me for anything that I did at home. There was never a time I can recall that he was actually nice to me.

I grew up feeling not good enough because my uncle (basically my older brother since he’s only 2 years older) was always achieving all these awards and excelling in his hobbies while I’m in his shadows unnoticed. While everyone is drawn to him, I barely get any recognition at all. All the eyes were on him, while I worked my ass off for trying to do at least have someone in the family know that I can be successful too.

I grew up not having much friends. Maybe having 2 good friends tops but never lasting because I’m always moving to different schools. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but having to deal with that since the 3rd grade really sucks.

So you see, I never really got exposed to love and positivity at all that much growing up. I never really had that exposure of what it’s supposed to be like except through tv shows and movies but we all know there’s like less than 10% chance of actually experiencing what media shows you.

So I’m sorry if a little too attached to you. I just crave that attention and love that I’ve been missing for so many years it’s just it’s nice to feel that little spark of joy every once in a while. Also it just means that I trust you more than anyone else that are around.

So please, be careful of what you say about someone who seems a little too attached to you or that you feel like the person can’t leave you alone. Honestly I actually get really offended when I hear people talking about someone who is “clingy.” I hate especially when I hear people say things like: “Don’t they have anything else to do?” “Why does (name) always follow us?” “Don’t they have other friends?” Please know their story first. Because you never know, maybe that’s their way of asking for help, to help mend their brokenness. And I wrote this post not because to make you guys feel pity on me, but to let you understand the things I been through before you start judging.

2/22/16 || 3:21am

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