BEEN AROUND THE WORLD, AROUND MY MIND, AROUND MY HEART
This last Thursday, June 20 to June 24, I spent 4 glorious day submersing myself into a culture I seem to have dipped my toes into particularly for the gain of picking up tricks so I can leave and do my own thing professionally with it. For years, I felt separate from groups. Funny enough, maybe a little to a lot introverted. I stuck to a few handful of tight friends, and appeared socially with other groups to only 'stop by' or 'guest'.
There are some benefits from such an approach, nobody bothers you, you get just what you need, you can disappear without others knowing you left, or you can also leave and there would be a big farewell as people would hope and wonder when the next time you will return. The latter was the most fun because I could create a sense of celebrity lifestyle out of this technique.
The other week, I started reading a book called "Mindset - The New Psychology of Success". It spoke about 2 different mindsets - The Fixed Mindset and The Growth Mindset. For years, I seriously thought I had a Growth Mindset, as I ventured off to explore myself, however, after reading this book, I realized how much I have been trained to have a Fixed Mindset.
"The Fixed Mindset makes you concerned with how you'll be judged; the growth mindset makes you concerned with improving." - Carol S. Dweck, Mindset-The New Psychology of Success.
I never understood why PRACTICE was so difficult in bigger group settings for me. It was not until I read this that I understood I had been practicing/living with a FIXED MINDSET. I'm about to expose myself here… Soooo, I would go home, practice a trick and then go to Juggle Jam on Wednesday nights and would train the same trick. Reflecting on my thoughts, I would socialize more on other topics versus getting more tricks from other people. I felt that if I figured it out myself, I can avoid scrutiny, judgement, or even feedback. Ooooohhhh Feedback. It's a weird thing. As much as I've been part of personal growth for so long, I seriously had to work on how to receive feedback. I would literally cringe inside. I guess you can say I could feel like there was something wrong with me.
Someone with a fixed mindset struggles with right and wrong, success or failure. It has taken a couple of years to retrain my brain to start accepting feedback, letting it sink, and letting it affect me to improve me instead of believing there was something wrong with me. It started when I was often compared to my older brother's high achievements, and for years, let's say decades, I would fixate on the day I will be as SMART as him or as TALENTED as him, when in fact, I always was. I created 'Not Good Enough' programs and 'Am I Better than Him/Her?' voices in my head to justify me feeling good in situations.
This type of mindset is a sly and tricky one to notice. You can flip from one to another and fool yourself that you are in a growth mindset when you're not….like me. Externally, you can say, I am a high achiever, very successful, talented and gots it all together. Internally, these are the most toughest issues I've dealt with my entire life. I realized my achievements have been based out of PROVING to others that I am a high achiever, successful and talented. I need to push against something in order for me to feel good about myself, hence being motivated externally instead of my own internal push to want to get better, smarter, more successful.
After attending 4 days with the Madskillz family, I have been full grounded in HOW TO USE MY GROWTH MINDSET cap from now on. Alley 'Oops (First Picture) celebrates with a cheer of 'AGAIN, ONLY BETTER' after every drop, mistake or fall. She is the Queen Bee of Growth. She inspires me to say YES to every opportunity and to keep on going. I could feel the open minds in a stadium of rhythmically flying objects. Vibrating bodies would move from workshop to workshop absorbing knowledge to add to their bag of tricks. It was so beautiful.
Lastly, there were 3 main evening shows: Artist Emerge, Renegade Show, Play Sessions Prop Dance Battle, and The Gala. Performance concludes the process of someone with a Growth Mindset. Working towards performing your tricks flawlessly is the highest reward for someone with a Growth Mindset, putting the challenge of coaching, training, exposure and self-evaluation. This is a true measure of success for yourself, when you know you've done a good job because you've worked for it…not because people said so.
I have learned so much experiencing my thoughts throughout a new family I've submerged myself into. I've realized that my natural skill of performance fools people to believe that I train numerous hours and hours to get where I am. Now don't go saying, "God you make me sick." Don't get me wrong, I still train, work on my dancing and juggling; just maybe not so hard. It definitely is a skill to have to move audiences emotionally, however for my own internal gauge of growth, it's pretty low on the scale for me. However, now, because of my new Growth Mindset…I feel that joy starting to build, loving the challenge to learn more for the sake of getting better for myself…and not what others will say when I show it to them. I love that I can learn openly from others now, because I know I have the capacity to add more knowledge in my skill…not a fixed container of just what I think it should look like.
Thank you to ALL the new friends who inspired me at MADSKILLZ 2013. Yuki, Chris, Alley, Graham, Christa, thank you for constantly loving me and so graciously assimilating me into the family. To all those international inspiration like Poki (Clown from Belingham), Richard Hartnell (Contact Juggler from Oakland), Noel Yee (Fire Spinner with Vulcan Tech Gospel in SF), Gail (Hooper from North Ireland), Morgan (Multi-Talented Prop Manipulater from Portland), Tynan (Uni-cyclist from Vancouver) Toby (Juggler, Auckland New Zealand), Olivier (CJ and Juggler from France), Lucille (Hooper from France) and Nico (Fire Spinner from Italy) and so many more. It has been an absolute pleasure to GROW with you all. See you all NEXT YEAR MADSKILLZ 2014.