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“sexuality is a choice”
“women wouldn’t get raped if they didn’t wear revealing clothes”
“there are only two genders”
“i’m not trying to be sexist/racist, but..”
“a/bi/pansexuality isn’t real”
“gay people shouldn’t have children”
“i don’t want to be friends with a gay person, they could hit on me”
“you can’t identify with the gender you want to be, only the one you were born with”
Stealth Shaming: What It Is, Why You Shouldn't Do It, and How Not To
supermattachine:
[TW: Stealth shaming, obviously, mention of violence against trans people, cissexism, transphobia.]
It looks like I’ve made up a term. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. It’s not like it’s in common usage, but I think it’s a good term. That is to say, I made it up to do a particular job and I think it does its job well. To get this out of the way: I am a trans man who discloses. I haven’t always disclosed, i.e. I’ve had jobs and brief periods of residence in rural periods when I’ve blended as cis full time, but for a variety of reasons blending as cis hasn’t been an option for most of my life. At the place in my life I’m in now, I don’t want to blend as cis full time, I am able to disclose my trans status safely, and pretty much everyone I meet learns quickly that I’m trans.
The term is stealth shaming, and here’s a definition:
stealth shaming: The practice or act of stating, implying, or acting as though binary-identified trans people who do not disclose their trans status are somehow not being trans properly.
First of all, let’s unpack the term “stealth.” Obviously problematic, right? It carries all these icky connotations of hiding and lying and general cissexist bullshit. It’s a term from the Dark Ages of trans discourse, when every doctor told us we had to learn to “construct a plausible history” and that we had to live “stealth” if we ever wanted to be considered “real” men and women. People have inaugurated new terms, like “blending as cis full time,” which is my favorite, or just “nondisclosing.” I recommend we use these new terms instead of “stealth.” I’d say I insist, but if you follow this blog you know I’m kind of incurably fluttery.
I use “stealth” in the context of stealth shaming in a similar way feminists use “slut” in the context of slut shaming—it’s a problematic word being used to describe a problematic action.
There’s a second really important thing we have to do here before we attack just what stealth shaming is and how to prevent doing it—we need to countenance the fact that disclosing and blending as cis aren’t mutually exclusive. There’s ambiguity everywhere. To say that the two things are utterly different and have no overlap is to create a false dichotomy. Feel free to skip this part and go straight to the numbered list below if you want; it’s kind of abstract and gets a bit long.
Obviously almost everyone who blends as cis full time have a few people in their lives who know about their trans status. I don’t think anyone would disagree with that. But consider this: If you’re a trans person who gets read correctly in a consistent way, and you don’t walk down the street yelling “I’m trans!” or have one of those OP T-shirts that say “Nobody knows I’m a transsexual”—you’re blending as cis! If you ever go to a dinner party with people you don’t know well and you don’t disclose to them, or you have a beer with some guys you’re meeting for the first time and you don’t disclose to them—you’re blending as cis! I know this seems obvious, but it often seems like people need it articulated, especially binary-identified trans activists who have the privilege to be read correctly but trumpet themselves as paragons of complete openness w/r/t their trans status. I’m just about as close as someone who runs down the street yelling “NOBODY KNOWS I’M A TRANSSEXUAL” as a guy can get without actually doing so, and most of the interactions I have with people daily, they assume I’m a cis man.
Now for the meat of the post. Important points to remember.
1) Saying that people who blend as cis full time are not “out” is stealth shaming.
The term “out” is of massive importance to queers. It is a term that describes how brave we are, how open, and most important how good we are at being us when everyone else insists that we shouldn’t be us. Denying blending trans people access to this term is identity policing in the worst way, and of course, it’s cissexist.
In a specifically trans context, to be out means to be honest and open about one’s gender identity. When a trans man tells someone he’s male, or walks into a men’s bathroom, or says, “From a guy’s perspective…” or does anything that indicates that he identifies as male, he’s out as a man. And he’s out. Full stop. He’s put his gender identity out there. The idea that he needs to add being trans to that as some sort of qualifier is a huge double standard. We don’t demand that all cis people come out as cis in order to be honest about their gender identities, even though it’s entirely possible that some of people in our lives whom we assume are cis are actually trans.
A trans person comes out when they say “Hey world, I know I was assigned one gender at birth, but as it turns out, I’m not that gender.” The process occurs at different times with different people and it can take a long time. But that trans person has been out ever since—they know who they are, and they’re open about who they are with others. To say otherwise is stealth shaming.
2) Saying that blending people are “not being honest” is both stealth shaming and vilely cissexist.
It is nothing more and nothing less than a regurgitated version of the internalized cissupremacist idea that trans genders are lies, fabrications, or figments of our imaginations. The idea that trans people must disclose their trans status exists so that cissexist assholes—pardon me! I seem to be getting ruffled!—can be sure they can tell the “real” men and women from the monsters.
Why do you think so much violent hate crimes occur after a blending trans person is outed or discloses? It is because they do not want us to have privacy. They want to treat us like animals whose bodies are open, including the genitals, for perusal and examination at all times. They are willing to kill and maim us to reinforce this condition. It’s depressing beyond words to see trans people vomiting this kind of cissexist idea back.
“I just wish they could be honest!” If this person is a man and is telling you he is a man, he is honest. If this person is a woman and is telling you she is a woman, she is honest. To say that binary trans people must always state that they are trans is to say that they must qualify their maleness or femaleness, so that we all know they are not REAL men or women.
3) One hears often that trans people who blend are “traitors to the trans community” or “harming the trans community” or “not really part of the trans community.” The most false and holier than thou version goes “I’m so sad that those poor people can’t be open and disclosing!” All these are stealth shaming and full of unchecked privilege.
These attitudes are always laden with one and usually several but not necessarily all of the following: class privilege, white privilege, and abled privilege.
It may be safe and comfortable for you to be out where you are, but what about a blue collar trans person in a small town in the Southern US, in a state with no protections for transgender employees and no hate crime legislation, in a place were there’s very little institutionalized support for queer people, who is currently working an absolutely necessary job they’d risk losing if they disclosed? What about a trans person with a social anxiety disorder, or clinical depression, or another disability that doesn’t allow them to go through the daily grind of disclosure and explanation?
It’s great that people want everyone to come play on the big fun happy safe queer jungle gym, but this poorly overextended metaphor is like playgrounds in real life, there are big strong kids who like to smack little weak kids in the head, and there are kids who are too tired or sick to get on the jungle gym, and just not everybody has access to the fucking jungle gym, ok? Go get a juice box and mull it over until recess ends.
The assumption that all trans people are upper or middle class people in liberal areas who read lots of Judith Butler just enrages me. There are, astonishingly, trans people who do not attend and will not be attending liberal arts colleges in the Northeast with LGBT Studies programs where they get to participate in symposiums on gender diversity. (Disclaimer: Stephen, the author of this article, is a student at a liberal arts college in the Northeast with an LGBT studies program; he will be organizing a symposium on gender diversity during the coming year.)
Now, this post is properly for FTM Confessions, and it’s going to be linked to there, because the mod asked me to do it and I sympathize with the difficult situation he’s in vis a vis moderating such a space. I want to be clear that “FTM” is not a term I use for myself for various reasons, but I obviously don’t begrudge other trans men using it.
If you run a nonpersonal social justice blog about queer things and you’d like me to sort of guest post in the way I did for FTM Confessions, I’d be massively flattered and happy to, just drop me an ask.
Lastly, I think any discussion about disclosure versus blending brings up some really interesting questions about what these terms and ideas mean for non-binary people, for whom blending in their gender isn’t really an option because most people don’t know their gender exists. I tried initially to make this post inclusive of that kind of experience, but I just don’t have the knowledge, and I don’t want to speak to others’ experiences. I’d love to hear from any of my non-binary followers on the subject.
BEAUTIFUL. Thanks so much for writing this!
I guess I know the answer is because they're dumb, but I still wonder why people who won't shut up about their right to free speech never seem to have taken the time to learn what free speech means.
It’s because they dumb as fuck.
What's up with these people who think the Confederate Flag should get a pass because "It's part of our Southern Heritage!!!" Look buddy, as a Northerner, part of my Heritage is sacking your homes, burning your cities, and smashing your railroads, but you don’t see me doing that, do you.
Fact: declaring war on racists is a much better heritage than anything to do with the Confederate flag.
Yo, I think you would actually enjoy 'Go Set A Watchmen'. It's a about a young woman discovering that everyone she know is a racist asshole, and then proceeds to yell at them before peaceing out. Actually... did you write this book?
Wasn’t me.
A recent court case put Section 1557 of the Affordable Care Act to the test -- and it won.
Every year, this conference has been hella white. All three years. Despite having a qpoc as the keynote last year (in an act of white guilt), there was still only ONE closed qpoc space that I happened to be facilitating with a friend. And in the past, we’ve only been given a qpoc caucus. A fucking caucus. Because clearly, queer folks of color can’t congregate without the help of a conference organized by white folks.
This year, we are taking over. This conference is my baby, and I will not let it suffer like it has in the past. We are actively trying to make this a safer and more accountable and intentional space for all queer identified folks. So, please, if you are a queer person of color and you’re even a little bit interested, submit a workshop proposal, show your work, be part of a panel, whatever. Tell your friends, spread the word. Minimal funding can be given to folks traveling from far away. E-mail us at [email protected] if you have questions.
There’s a week left for proposals, so DO IT NOW.
Plus, Jose Esteban Munoz is the keynote on March 2nd. Should I say it again? JOSE ESTEBAN MUNOZ. And free food, and giveaways, and a dance party??? You can’t seriously pass this up, can you?
MARCH 1ST AND 2ND, SAVE THE DATE(S).
More info // Submit
TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO’VE DONE WORKSHOPS FOR QUEER PIN@Y CONFERENCE, QUEER PEOPLE OF COLOR CONFERENCE, QUEER WESTERN REGIONAL, QUEER STUDIES CONFERENCE, STUDENTS OF COLOR CONFERENCE, ETHNIC STUDIES PANELS, ETC, GET AT THISSSS!!
I’ll be at this conference. If you’re local or can travel, it’s free!
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Hello and Happy New Year!
So, as some of you may have noticed, I haven’t been incredibly active lately. Due to a combination of school, holidays, and a number of personal issues, I haven’t been as able to keep this site as updated as it should be. I apologize, and I promise I’m gearing up for a...
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African and Transgender
Talking about being from an African family and being transgender
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At the beginning of my transition I knew only one thing, i wanted a flat chest. I was in 6th grade when puberty hit and things started to grow i would bind them down and wear the tightest fitting sports bras, i made sure i was a little over weight so people couldn’t tell i had a chest they would...
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And we have a winner! Thanks to Lillian Fleurs for designing the winning logo! :)
That's a dang nice logo. Congrats! :-)
White Privilege is believing that there is another side of the story to be considered when a Black child is handcuffed and then shot in the head by police officers.
Transgender Surgery Coordination
I had no idea Satori World Medical existed, and just happened to stumble onto their site today. I almost thought it was a scam, but then I looked at their partner organizations. Laura's Playground, Spectrum Health, and the Southern Comfort Conference are just a few of the groups that apparently can vouch for them. That relaxed me a bit.
It seems they are connected to a global network of providers, and the part that really caught my attention was that they say they can save you 30-50% of the total price compared to U.S. prices. And it looks like they make all of the arrangements, including flight, hotel, and at home post surgery followup. Huh.
Here's the link if you want to know more:
http://www.satoriworldmedical.com/transgender/index.htm
We let Willow cut her hair. When you have a little girl, it’s like how can you teach her that you’re in control of her body? If I teach her that I’m in charge of whether or not she can touch her hair, she’s going to replace me with some other man when she goes out in the world. She can’t cut my hair but that’s her hair. She has got to have command of her body. So when she goes out into the world, she’s going out with a command that it is hers. She is used to making those decisions herself. We try to keep giving them those decisions until they can hold the full weight of their lives.”
(On why he let Willow cut all of her hair off)
Read more: Will Smith On Allowing Willow To Cut Her Hair: ‘She Has Got To Have Command Of Her Body’ | Necole Bitchie.com
- He raises a really great point. What would it mean to believe very early that my body was mine. That it’s not for anyone or for any particular purpose other than to be mine until I decide otherwise.
(via larepublicadedet)
I was damned near 30 before I could believe my body belonged to me & me alone. Dear people who take an issue with this,
Let the Smiths do right by their babies & shut the fuck up about how you think they should parent.
(via karnythia)
Hey Tumblr, we’re giving away 24 signed copies of Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One and all you need to do to enter is reblog this post.
We’re going to randomly pick a new winner every weekday until we run out of copies so start reblogging. The first winner gets pulled on Monday morning. Good luck and May the Force be with you.
Working From Home: Rat Race Rebellion
Hey folks:
Everyone is trying to make a little more money these days, and I think that sometimes working from home is a good option. It can be especially helpful for folks with any life situation that requires someone to spend a lot of time in their housing for whatever reason.
There are a lot of scams out there, and it's hard to sort them all out. One site I've found that has leads to actual jobs and keeps the scams to a minimum is Rat Race Rebellion.
Check them out.
I got my first job mowing lawns when I was 13. I went to work for the Federal government, laying fences, when I was 15. At 17, I left home and put myself through college and law school, without my parents’ help. Yes, I had student loans, and yes, I paid them.
I lost my job in 2009. Despite hundreds of phone calls, resumes, and a few interviews, it seems I am now “overqualified,” at age 50, to be employed. I am coming to grip with the fact that I will never earn what I took for granted, just a few years ago. I have run through my savings, my investments, and my retirement accounts. I lost my house. My wife left me a year ago, and cancelled my health insurance. My heart medications, insulin, and related supplies, not to mention ADD meds for my teenager, total $3500 a month. I don’t have $3500 to spend on meds, so I take a daily aspirin, and my kid is suffering in school. I’m waiting on the word that I have renal failure. A vial of insulin, that used to cost $15 a few years ago, now costs $80. Big pharma is gouging. Now, I am facing eviction. My two children have never seen daddy without money. I am facing the grim fact that my life insurance policy and social security death benefits may provide my kids better financial security than I can. Like George Bailey, I am “worth more dead than alive.” I AM THE 99% Jack Austin, Texas
Come over to my tumblr, I've started compiling resources for affording the medications that we need.
