Crack is Whack @lifewithanaddict - Tumblr Blog

THE LAEST TEXT INSANITY:

LET ME PREFACE THIS BY SAYING IM OUT OF TOWN FOR SOME WORK TRAINING - AND HE SHOWS UP AT MY APARTMENT LETS HIMSELF IN STARTS DRINKING BEER GOING THRU ALL MY SHIT - AND STARTS TEXTING ME -

4/25/18

Z: I need to come home for good...

ME: Bond Place - is looking for you - they think u jumped bailI have to..

Z: I'm just gonna drown if i don't.......for good and forever .

ME: I thought u were doing better U were pretty abrasive with me this morning - i pretty much said u weren't even going to talk to me for a while - sounds like u don't really like me I thought u said ur mom said u could come live with her

Z: No, some old shit popped up and I just can't maintain sobriety and answer my callng as. Wan to:(

Z:I'm at the apt if u want to have me arrested go ahead .. I'll get ambulance late to hospital after kids get heer

ME: What do u mean some old shit popped up?

Z: Old people jarred,,,, Amanda.. I just want to be done with all that and never look back... ... 😎

ME: I knew it - :( Only way they would be around or know ur out is cause YOU went to them You make those choices - and you only run to me when u feel like you have no other options I'm always ur last choice

Z: Never ... I need help... And I will be dead in a week if not. Had a shotgun in my face today . And saw my life flash before m eyes I'm done I have too much to live for

ME: What's fucked up- u moved on - left me - "fell in love" with her, I didn't - I don't date - havnt been with anyone - and I always feel like I'm just a pawn of yours - a person for you to manipulate - u havnt been completely honest with me since we met - and u tell me a couple weeks ago that u wernt even honest with me then - I have never pretended to be someone I'm not - even as ugly as it can be I am who I am.

Z:Can we work it out ?? If not I need to know right now

ME: We have a lot of talking to do Z - Everything in my heart wants to - Us working it out depends on YOU

Z: We will. I will be why I am meant to be.. finally.... I have found out things today that rocked me to the core and .you and the kids are my number one priority.. Please know that everything is good .. and I will be the man that u need me to be.. I will be the father again . I have so much to talk to you about .. but later ... I need rest .. I'm devststed tired .hurting all over ... And need a week to recover from surgery and life's events Amanda wasn't what she seemed and tryed to have me killed today... Don't freak out .. but it wasn't pretty and it caught me off guard to see her and then ... All the peice s came together ... Jarred ... Alisha.. Amanda...all connected....It's over . I'm safe we are safe . I just want to move forward where we need to be. Those woods...tech ridge next to culligans. . Bad .. bad shit..

4/26/18, 4:59 ME: have u had the stent taken out?

Z: No

Z: Remember house on Vega’s street got raided??? Alisha went to jail. Her dad is powerful I guess .. all I can say... All the spooky Jared stuff... Those woods I didnt realize and more.......... And Amanda somehow tied in???? And u sold me out to them . .. didn't even realize I was the closest I ever been to being dead . .. assassinated ........ Because . ......I'll leave that open

ME: I sold u out? HOW??

Z: It's real. . And u have to be here. ... And you. ..after all this BS . . . It's unbelievable.

ME: ???? English?????

Z: They seem to think so.... Started when u threatened Jared. Cops. Then I took allisha to that house. . Like next fuckin day I house was raided Unbelievable !!!! ??!??? I've been trying to figure it all out for ever. . That's why I been going back .. periodically

ME: Yeah I REALLY didn't have SHIT to do with that - Timing . Your statements. Me. . ?!???? I threatened Jarred with cops if he didn't stay away from u - but that was a moot point - cause u do what you want to do-

Z: Phones confiscated

ME: U just won't stay away from those stupid fuckin people

Z: ???!!!??????????!!? Really.. !!!

ME: I was trying to save u - and only pushed u further away When I was at the shop that day - a YEAR AGO

Z: Yes almost 6 foot under

ME: I havnt talked to any of those people since then - U need to turn them ALL in U need to go hide with ur mom for a minute- That's prob a safe place for you None of them know her.

Z: It ain't over I have a feeling...... Speculation on my part . No solud evedence... But .... I. Have been extremely attentive the past year.. every word spoken .every glance backward . All of it ... Not going to hide... I can go straight to the top and be a man and get answers... I may have to do that. Really !!! U gonna get my mom involved .?? No I stay hee or get me arrstef Here or jail... Mom will lise 15000

ME: She keeps texting me She wants to come get u

Z: No

ME: U need to call her Z, u being at the apartment - risk me losing the kids, and everything.

Z: No They would be here ... Alone... Without you.. without an adult.. what part of that is safer than me being here. You did this shit . I'm not gonna let anything happen...

ME: oldest is 18 ....and No u did this shit - with your choices U have made bad choices - I cant afford to feed you either-

Z: You provided Amanda .. you wanted to play cops and bar guys.. I didn't put us here

ME: Last time u ate all their food -Provided Amanda WHAT? I didn't give her shit

Z: What??. No I cooked nesls for them asshole Well you did something... To her... Cuz that startecall yhis shit tollin again. I knew I should not have said shit till u got back????

ME: What???? I havnt even texted/ or messaged her since the day I got ur stuff

Z: You need to trust that I ain't dead for one . . And there's a damn good Eason for that.... And it ain't luck... It ain't chance ... It's because ;;::::;:

ME: How would she even know ur out?

Z: Because? . I :;;:: am WHO. I AM... ,!!! KIn training ???? Have no idea.... But... It's real and it's over... U said that... It's done... Do quit tripping and own your part in my life the past ,14 months and I ain't the only one made mistakes and bad choices

😉

Did round Rock police have a warrant for My phone?? For any of my stuff you gave them???

No?

You can prob get it back

Good .. it'll be all inadmissable

Anyway .. I'm sorry .. for being an asshole.. that person in Walmart when I talked to you this morning.. ,?????

Why were u being like that?

I think I was on phone with you. I said some dude following me

Yes

And u were snippy and slightly rude

.call when I get settled or whatever

Off work

Z: ( SENT A PIC )

Don't spread that around

My new fisguise

ME: !!!!!

Z: Disguise

Is my iPhone here

!? That's awesome ... ,!

ME: ( SENT PIC)

Z: Im so proud of you H. Your my new role model. . I'm gonna join the FBI.

ME:

:( no I have it in my bag

Sorry

Meant to leave it in the truck with ur stuff

I'm not being sarcastic.

ME:

Loved “I'm not being sarcastic. ”

🤕😖

I'm so tired of these phones.

ME:

Really tho... I can't wait to see you..

I miss you

ME:

I miss u too

When

U home

ME:

Sunday

He much would it cost to hire a commando squad of o , 5 to escort me to have a talk with a very dangerous well armed leader if he dumpster divers in th

e woods... And at the end of a dead end street..

Just talk.. 2 hours time prob.

I'm serious.

ME:

I'll ask

K we need to discuss that option. .... No police. Just a gang if scary lookin. Big mfs ... Escort.talk.. body guards in essence. . This is real and now

that I know 100. Who I'm dealing with .. scary kinda . . But . . Brokering a I won't fuck with u and a I won't sneak into the woods and pick your asses o

ff 1 by 1 till your all dead desl sounds better .. for now...

They still need to die of course for all the evil they've done .. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

ME:

I understand

Didn't mean to ruin your moment

I love you.

Maybe you and I should get married. ,?

Cuz nobody els would accept and understand me and all that shit. Just spewed

All that blah I n my head that just has a way of spewing out my pie hole

Nobody

ME:

Lol - I do

Understand

L reached over yesterday. On his own. Asked for one of my jalapenos and ate .it. . Liked it... Not a real good story ...... But I couldn't help b

ut she'd a tear... That's love.... When a 7yr old son that was frightened by the sight of a jalapeno pepper on his plate before.. . Looked at his

dad and wanted to be loved by him so much . He put all his fears aside and took a bite, just for a father's approval.. I'm just not worhy of that ..

to him I am and so much more . ...

ME:

Yes

They LOVE you- they have been upset with u but they love u

Please turn out all the lights

ME:

Thank you

Is there another iPhone here I can use

I cried through that hole dam movie

Hostiles

ME:

Um not one that works - I have my old one but I need the stuff on it - can't replace infor

I'm just need WiFi one or iPad???

ME:

Hmmm no iPad

Unless kids - but can't sign them out

I need to g get my car.. today

ME:

Um...... ok?

Will have to tow it here. And fix later.

ME:

Might not be too smart

Where's my wallet

ME:

Especially if they are looking 4 u

In my car

Who's looking for n

ME:

Those people

U think they not watching ur car?

I went to bail bond

Ain't nobody lookin

ME:

Manda, jarred, Forrest weirdos

I'm not running... It ain't that serious. . Until I show up on there turf

ME:

It's not there

It's at comfort inn

They gonna tow

ME:

I'm not stopping u

J is coming to get L

He has been looking forward to it

ME:

Why

I'm not going right now

Wtf

ME:

Because that's what the weekend was scheduled for

Why WTF?

Okay I thought u ment right now

ME:

When she gets off work

I'll be here my mom says she's coming

Saturday

Wallet

Mine

Where's my wallet

(( I SENT SCREENSHOT SHOWING I PREVIOUSLY ANSWERED “IN MY CAR” ))

Great

ME:

:( I'm sorry

I didn't know

It's ok .. he wants to go to J’S

ME:

Yes

Send me my card numbers pleade

ME:

I don't have access to my car

I need to at for a tow truck but you got my cad

Pay

ME:

My car is in a secured lot on post

I can't get back over there till we are released

Ok ... That's my point

What I'm supposed to do,

I need 100$ on a card to fall a to and pay to get it here

ME:

Idk-

Yep

ME:

Call them and tell them u are getting it Sunday

If I call they'll have it towed

It's been a week

ME:

Then chill

If it's not gone already... I went weenesday

Was there

Chill..

Nic. Only car I have.... I need it .. I can't get it out if it gets towed

ME:

Z!!- I AM BUSY - u have the WORST timing

U were just on camera talking to L.. thought it good

ME:

Because J asked me to let him know she was coming

Ur stuff is way more to “ deal with and - I cant DO anything about it - I started this year out - with a promise to not spend energy on things I can fix, - now, that being said - I CAN deal with it - on sunday!

I'm going to hospital in a few .. how mych$$ we get if I ride ambulance ? .. and how soon?

ME:

Not sure I'll have to look at the insurance papers

K. But still got that right???

ME:

Yes

R u at the apt

What's up?

I'm at hospital

ME:

Ok how is it going?

Nothing ,sane thing.. trying to get meds now.. won't admit me to do .... Appointment Tuesday at uerologists

ME:

Oh geez

Yes

How was your day ? I coul d not lock door.

ME:

Day still goin- long days 04:00-22:00

I am really worried ... Amanda has been texting about u haven't ng he Facebook and sending out videos... ?????? She is not a joke H . I tryed to ass

ure u ain't the one but,.....

ME:

What?

?????

ME:

Why are u still talking to her?

I don't understand

I will call in a bit

No I aint talking to ANYONE especially HER

I AINT NO JOKE EITHER - and I WILL DEFEND MYSELF AND MY FAMILY

BET THAT

Hacking

Someone hacked her. FB. And she swears t was u.. sent video to all contacts on phone

ME:

ABSOLUTELY NOT

I don't really care, she's totally insane .. more delusional than me I guess. ..anyhow ,, enough .. just leave her be ... Out sight out of mind ..

My mom pretty much made me get my things out f your place ... I wanted to stay ... But she insisted... Hot my meds. I was in er all night... Jdt now go

Call me later. Time???

t it all done by next and lonely in mothel ;;;hotel

ME:

Where r u?

Paul:

Suckiest plac on Earth. Motel 6. 😖

Should have went to her house. .. it stayed . She got 1 month at ((((()))))). But no room till tomorrow. Every hotel is almost completely booked

ME:

Hotel right by apt

ME:

$120 s night.

30 days 3700$

ME:

Holy shit!!!!

U told me to call

I called

U didn't answer

Hello?

Wtheck

Z- this is NOT cool

R u BACK out there!!??

With everything going on it would be nice if u would let me know ur ok

All I can imagine is u went back around those people and got in trouble

Nope. I a m sleeping

When y b hom?

ME:

Onmyway

Leaving LOCATION

ME:

Bout an hour out

Ok... I'm going to Walmart.. hen to Fleischer to get some money owed

ME:

I'm at LOCATION

Going to head home

OK seems like you were actively rejecting my calls

OK it seems like you are actively rejecting my calls

Whatever- I'm ALWAYS UR FUCKIN BACK UP PLAN -

Ok sending out a search party - a POLICE search party

The officer that is looking for you will give you an opportunity to talk to him about all the shit that you say you want to fix it's going down with Amanda Alecia and Jared and whatever else that mess is - his name is *** - I've known him for YEARS and he's a great guy

Can u drop me off my wallet ? On you way to work... Or ..?? I can cone get it later?

ME:

UR actually alive- nice- drop off where?

You know where I'm at.. call me when u go to work. I'll meet you at valero ... LOCATION

Have I gotten any mail?

M phone is glitching out . . So lmk when u leave house pkease

ME:

????

I don't know where you're at and how do I know that this is YOU and not some trap

Wow,,wtf you talking about? Trap for what???? Who else would it be?

ME:

Are you kidding me do you live in the twilight zone last messages I have from Z say he misses me and can't wait to see me but when I get home he's nowhere to be found and blocks my messages.....

The only person that blocked my messages to Z is you Amanda

I'm the paranoid one..

I was kinda pissed cuz m mom said you didn't want me there ... .

Your loco. . you ok???

ME:

You came here knowing that you had a CTW I didn't call the cops - that should have had some meaning / or held some weight to you- but OBVIOUSLY NOT

Didn't want you here because you go through all my shit and take what you want you can't be trusted and don't say it's tit for tat because you've always done that both of us have eviDently - the difference when I do it - it's still here- not GONE.

It did.. does... But my mom insisted so I assumed you told her by no means was I to stay there.

ME:

NO I DIDNT

Fuck at that point I didn't even know she was still coming to get you

She just quit texting back just like you

I'm going to my car at comfort inn by St John's .

ME:

You were here drinking- in front of the kids

So I'll prob b there when u get on way to your work

ME:

You know I go down ********. to go to work right I don't go down 35

Ok never mind. I'll try and come get it tonight or in morning.

ME:

It will be with me

Yes

See you tonight then . . I'll call.

ME:

👍🏻

Even asked if u could be in Hotel right by here so u would be close - how can u say I didn't want u around ! ?

What's up? U change ur mind again ?

(( he never called or showed to get his wallet)) AND NOW MESSAGES AND PROFILE ARE BLOCKED ON FB -

More of your bi-polar delusions kick in? Or she get your phone and block me again? WHY Z? WHY do u keep going back? U need to get ur shit - so u can just “ live your life” what ever that means to you- and quit ripping my fucking heart out

#crazyisascrazydoes #this shit is insane

YEAH, ITS BEEN A MINUTE, AND THE MURIAD OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THAT SWIRL AROUND EVERY TIME YOU COME TO MIND- I REMEMBER THE GOOD, AND I REMEMBER THE HORRIBLE- THE MOST RECENT BETRAYALS- LIES AND TWISTED MANIPULATIONS- HER, I CANT GET HER STUPID BITCH FACE OUT OF MY HEAD - HOW, WHY? HER OVER US? WHAT THE FUCK? I WENT AND PUT UR SHIT IN YOUR CAR- I SAW THE CHICKS HOODIE- THE THINGS I FANTASIZE DOING TO HER- ARE NOT SANE OR LEAGLE- YOU ARE SO UTTERLY TOXIC FOR ME - - I MISS U - BUT REMIND MYSELF I NEED TO HATE YOU - THE ABSOLUTE TORMENT- MOST THE TIME IM VERY CONTENT WITH MYLIFE- BECAUSE IT IS INFACT JUST THAT - ((MINE)) U CANT MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY ANYMORE - THAT BULLSHIT U USED TO HANG OVER MY HEAD - “ U WOULDN'T HAVE THIS CUSHY LIL LIFE IF IT WERNT FOR ME” - WELL - I WALKED AWAY FROM IT ALL- RIPPED THE KIDS OUT OF THEIR SCHOOLS, AWAY FROM THEIR FRIENDS, PUT OUR LIFE IN STORAGE- ALL TO LIVE WITH 4 KIDS IN A LITTLE 800 SQ FT. APARTMENT- SO FUCK YOU -- BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY ........ ITS OURS....... AND I WORK WHAT I HAVE TO TO MAKE IT POSSIBLE - WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HELP FROM YOU- YET STILL YOU PLAGUE MY THOUGHTS DAY AND NIGHT - YOUR CONFUSING MESSAGES, SAYING YOU MISS ME AND CANT WAIT TO SEE ME - SAYING WE SHOULD GET MARRIED- BUT YOU ARE GONE WHEN I GET HOME AND YOUR MOMMY HAS PUT HER 48 YEAR OLD SON IN A MOTEL FOR A MONTH AND PUT IT ON HER CREDIT CARD- AFTER BAILING YOUR STUPID ASS OUT OF JAIL WHERE YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED - BECAUSE YOU ARENT DOING ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY - YOUR SHITTY LITTLE MOTEL ROOM COST MORE A MONTH THAN MY 2 BEDROOM 2 BATH APARTMENT - I HAVE 4 KIDS STILL AT HOME AND BUST ASS WORKING TO PAY FOR IT - BUT AT 48 YOU ARE STILL PARTYING AWAY WITH THAT WHORE - YEAH THATS HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER - AFTER ALL IT WAS YOUR WORDS THAT BURNT THAT FIRST IMPRESSION INTO MY MIND _ WHAT WAS IT U SAID?- “ SHE JUST SUCKED MY DICK - ITS NOT LIKE I HAVE TO CARE ABOUT SOMEONE TO LET THEM DO THAT” YOUR WORDS - SOUNDS LIKE A HOE TO ME- I DONT GO AROUND PUTTING RANDOM DICKS IN MY MOUTH - OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT FACT - BUT THATS BESIDES THE POINT - ITS BEEN A YEAR SINCE I STARTED THIS PAGE - EXTERNALLY EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED- NEW JOB(S) NEW PLACE TO LIVE, OLD CAR- NEW ONE WAS TOTALED, CREDIT HAS GONE TO SHIT, BUT THATS OK- BECAUSE THIS PHOENIX WILL RISE AGAIN- I HAVE GROWN A LITTLE THIS PAST YEAR - NOT AS MUCH AS ID LIKE - BUT SOME PAINFUL GROWTH NONETHELESS - MY CIRCLE HAS GOTTEN SMALLER - I HAVE PULLED AWAY FROM SOME OF THE THINGS I WAS ONCE INVOLVED IN , AND HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED IN SOME NEW ONES - NEW ADVENTURES, NEW PATHS, NEW PEOPLE, NEW BIGGER BETTER GOALS - BECAUSE I DONT HAVE DEAD WEIGHT PULLING ME DOWN - SHADOWS OF MOMENTS DANCE IN THE CORNERS OF MY MIND - I MOURN THAT PERSON, AND THOSE TIMES- BUT IM GLAD I HAD THEM - SOME NEVER DO - WHY COULDN'T YOU GROW UP? ULL BE 48 IN A COUPLE WEEKS, AND OUR 7 YEAR OLD MAKES BETTER CHOICES THAN YOU -

#drugsarebad #iceisntnice #helosther #phoenixrising

letter 1

It breaks me to say goodbye to you. In fact, I wanted with every fiber of my being for us to make it. I wanted the words you say not to be lies. I wanted to prove that your reputation wasn’t what everyone said it was. I wanted everyone to be wrong about you.

And maybe one day they will be. Maybe I’ve given up too soon. Maybe one day you’ll be the man I pretended you were all this time. In fact, I know you will be one day. So maybe that’s why I hung on so long.

But despite forgiving you, I can’t sit here and wait for you to become the person you need to be. The cost is self-destruction in the process. The cost is you hurting me and the kids to get there.

I can’t sit here and wait for the respect I deserved this whole time. I can’t sit here and wait to be loved, when I’m giving the best of myself. I can’t sit here playing a game. It’s like a game of Jumanji. Either something is going to kill me along the way, or I’ll finish.

I don’t have it in me to finish. And honestly, I think right now I’m living only half alive because of you. Cause you’ve chewed up and spit out everything I am. And I’m not the same person that I was even before I fell in love with you. I didn’t know falling in love with you, would mean falling on the ground so often, only to be kicked every time I got to my knees.

I forgive you for your past mistakes. I forgive you for the person you were. I know you may not be him anymore or maybe you’re on the road to bettering yourself. But, that same toxic person turned everything black in its path, myself included.

I didn’t deserve to be used. I didn’t deserve being talked to the way you did. I didn’t deserve the fights and the screaming and the tears. While I didn’t deserve those things, I tolerated it. I tolerated it and in time it felt like a norm. That’s on me.

I valued the good days we had because I was so glad it wasn’t a bad one.

You kept me on edge though. You kept me walking on eggshells. I’d stare at a phone with bubbles that went on for minutes, only to have them disappear and nothing was said. It was like you knew I was staring at it, just waiting. Then I’d say something and you’d ignore me…Because I was inconvenient for you.

Do you know what was inconvenient for me? Waking up every night at 2am in a cold sweat, wondering where you were, if you were ok, wondering what I’m doing in this relationship. But it wasn’t even defined as a relationship really. One day you liked me and another day you hated me. One day we were “just roommates” and the next day you’d tell someone I was your wife, You were rarely a friend, and sometimes a foe. Every sign and every friend told me to let you go.

Do you know what it’s like to look at someone you love, with all your heart and believe in them despite everyone’s doubt?

Do you have any clue how hard it is to walk away from one of the people you love most in this world?

You don’t, because you didn’t love me.

But mark my word one day you will.

You’ll learn to love me in my absence. And that’s the worst type of love.

Love isn’t pain. I know that much to be true. Even at your worst, I never wanted to hurt you. At those points i actually felt sorry for you - If anyone deserved pain, it might have been you. But I never wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me. until recently, and thats how I knew you were destroying me-

And I don’t think you saw the full effect of what you did to me.

I knew you were the one to blame. But you’d laugh when I’d say those things. You’d run off names of others in my past, telling me the only reason I’m damaged is because of them. It was almost like you were justifying your mistreatment, because others treated me bad before. You should have been the one proving to me, I didn’t deserve that. Then you said it was my fault. I might have been damaged by the others before you, but they never broke me the way you did. They never changed me the way you did. I overcame them, but I couldn’t overcome you.

I became so numb by you. I thought this was normal.

I want you to know I forgive you. I forgive the person you were, because I know you won’t be him one day. But the person you were burnt a lot of people. And you burnt the one person who loved you the most. You liked the attention. You liked knowing someone loved you, when you couldn’t possibly love yourself.

I want you to know, although you might someday walk away from your past, even a past you now try to run from, it has a way of sneaking up on you. You think you’ve hid every skeleton in your closet, but eventually the past will come back to haunt you. It will ruin you the way you ruined me.

So run my dear. Run as far and fast as you can. When you get far enough, the ghost that will haunt you most, when you look back will be regret.

Remember, it’s a lonely road to the top, when all you’ve ever done is step on people like me to get there.

You kept pushing me time and time again asking if I hate you yet…I think I do.

I hate you for making me think this was normal.

I love you enough to hate you. Because hell that’s my only chance I have at overcoming you.

*i didn't write most of this but with a few tweaks, it said everything i feel inside *

Kristen Corley - original Author

Tonights Text messages:

ME: over u and all ur shit

Z: 👍🏻

ME: i understand i burned the bridge - but that means its gone

thats how that shit works

u said u were coming to get the stuff u left @ the house today

so u need to do whatever it is that u need to do and just walk away - i understand what I’ve done

hell if i knew it was that easy , such a one way street id have done it years ago

i think u had a psychotic break- you’ve lost your mind

Z: I'm pretty sure I had something laced couple weeks ago, it may have been u for all I know Z kept a message from you. ( it was a broken Heart)

ME: ok blame me - ur fucking crazy

i dont DO illegeal shit-

maybe one good reason NOT to do drugs

and how would i do anything to u ur never around me with that shit

Z: Your still justifying taking my $5500 rent money, ??? I know u, and know how fake your heart is and your head, you pretend to be something you are not

ME: wow

goodbye

Z: It's hard to look at yourself and admit it, I know, I have the same troubles , but I know what I am, I don't try and pretend, I paid my bills and you took it all from me, you can't say I lost it, or I didn't deserve it, or , I need to be punished, that isn't your call , in your head it may be, because you can't admit who you really are,

Z: All good , I still love you,

ME: u have done everything in your power to push me away close yourself off from me criticize me as a person and as a mom, you have pushed me to the brink and MADE me feel fucking useless unloved unwanted and CRAZY- you are TOXIC and I have been living in this mess with my kids for TOO LONG YOU have had your part in who you think I’ve become- but NO one else in this world thinks the things you do about me - you don’t know who i am you know what you’ve created me to be in your head - its all very sad - u don’t even know what LOVE is

Z: It's my fault, because I thought I needed to cater to you, to make up for my mistakes, but all I did was enable that part of you

ME: there was no making up for what you did after a certain point

the resentment and hatred just grew inside of me - i even TOLD you thats how I felt- tried to get past it - tried to push it away - but every time look at porn instead of engage with me, or drank, or got high it all came back and multiplied in size - I gave you the ultimatum THAT NIGHT - told u EXACTLY what I was going to do- ASKED you if you thought i was kidding - u put your head down and said “no mam” how earth can you be so surprised? you don’t TRUST me - I cant TRUST you - where there is no trust there can be no love- thats a simple fact of life I am just glad to finally know that after 10 fucking years of you shitting on me and the kids- all it took was ONE time for you to go off reservation

ME: not ONE time did u ever give ME that opportunity - never did you say - “ I’m dealing with some shit and I need something from you- and IF I don’t get what I need I’m going to get high/ drunk or indulge in porn - N E V E R -

ME: we both knew I was damaged and unhealthy coming out of the Marriage- u made empty promises to me and left me in the dirt- I love you- LIE Im going to marry you LIE we will work the program together and BOTH get the help we need - L I E - ALL LIES - i knew i needed help - so did u - but you didn’t tell me you were worse than you led on- u said it was in your PAST- i was clueless - thanks for that - I will NEVER trust anyone again

ME: now, I’m focused on getting a home for the kids - so when the time comes paige can move in and take care of them - when I’m gone i don’t want them to have to worry about rent, or losing their home or stability - I’m doing what I can while I can to get them set up - and i damn sure don’t want you around

ME: you are not a nice person and that is the last thing i want ingrained in my children

#realshit

lifewithanaddict

This is after a week PLUS of him out using- he has already called me and said he thinks there is a “hit” out on him- ( at this point he has run out of gas and started walking- and I guess he decided to video- :)

I really miss the SEX :

Oh how I miss the sex, amazing, intense, passionate sex- Ive never felt so connected with someone as i did with Z - he was the first man i couldn't get enough of- the way he made me FEEL about myself, about my body, all encompassing BLISS - now, this is probably part of the reason I held on as long as I did, - just waiting ...... waiting to catch even a Glimpse of that person again- now, ill tell you - HE was the first person i was ever able to have an orgasm with- after a childhood of sexual assault opening the door to very promiscuous behavior on my part from there forward, 16 years of marriage, and 5 children, ......at 30 years old I had never had an orgasm WITH anyone - I thought that was something I could only do ALONE - and strangely enough it was NOT correlated to sex with me they were on 2 separate planets - as a matter of fact- IF i tried to connect the 2 In my head with hopes that i could combine them i would lose it -

So when it HAPPENED with Z I cried! - yes I felt stupid but i cried - I was so overwhelmed and ecstatic - even remembering those days brings on a longing sigh - BUT those days are LONG gone-

we ended up pregnant in 2009 - but miscarried at 12 weeks shit really went down hill from there - i blamed him - because OBVIOUSLY it was his drug use that must have caused it - because I had 5 very other healthy pregnancies with NO issues! so it HAD TO BE HIS FAULT

well, in 2010 we got pregnant again - and it was very stressful of course he was STILL using his Oldest son moved in with us and was a SERIOUS behavior issue - ( I had call the police and had him put in Juvenile Detention) well i was the mean bitch and his choices improved so much that now he is in PRISON as a registered sex offender- go figure-

Anyway Z continued to use and disappear throughout the entire pregnancy- up and even went out right after the delivery to get high again- I swear I HATE HIM- but it was what it was, so life went ON -

he continued to use - even went back to jail for about 4 months when the baby was 2 months old - FUN TIMES

well everything deteriorated to the point that I lost the house - packed up the kids and MOVED and left him there- he rented out the rooms in the house to various drug addicts and alcoholics while it was in the foreclosure process at some point he got picked up on a parole violation and all was right with the world for about 8 months - then HE got back out and moved in with us

SO the bottom line is the stupidity continued - I ended up pregnant AGAIN- was PISSED- all I could think was this is the LAST thing i need -ANOTHER CHILD IN THIS MESS!!!! - and think me weird if you want, but I heard a small voice inside that whispered “this is not a viable pregnancy” with a secret sense of relief - I made the Dr. Appointment and went, already expecting to hear the worst- initial exam and an ultrasound to confirm - and there it was - NO HEARTBEAT- my heart sank, but I knew it was for the best - since I was already expecting this news my next question was when can we schedule the D&C and Tubal ? she had me sign the paperwork for consent for sterilization - I still had to wait 30 days per policy so the first surgery was done and then when the 30 days were up the second- it was done - no more! Baby Factory SHUT DOWN!!

This was harder than I thought it was going to be for me to deal with - there was a deep sadness, that i just couldn't quiet shake and to make matters worse as far as any physical relationship with Z was concerned well that was pretty much over- now that he couldn't get me pregnant he seemed to have ZERO interest in sex- so here I was back to feeling rejected and undesirable AWESOME! - so...... the insanity continued and he ended up back in jail one more time - I think for 9 months, when this was done he would be finished with his sentence he was released in November and now he was off Parole and felt like he was untouchable. Nothing has been the same or even CLOSE to what it used to be ........ and a Sex life is something I can only dream of “someday” .......man, i miss it!

Time Served:

So, now i begin to find out more of the WHOLE story about his past- His Criminal record, his X girlfriend, his 2 boys, his Family, all in all a pretty sad story- they all warned me away and told me he was not a good person, but I had met him Clean and Sober- I didn't know this person they were telling me about and I was certain that stuff was all in his past - this mess up was MY fault - If it hadn't been for the run in with my X then he never would have gotten high and gotten himself into this situation-

Silly CODEPENDANT GIRL

SO, this began the trips From Austin to Dallas every two weeks a 3.5 hour drive there - a couple hours waiting in line to be checked in, then a 20 minute visit over a phone through glass- only to turn right back around and drive the 3.5 hours home letters back and forth pretty much everyday- they were my breath- if a letter didn't show up one day, i would begin to panic, and get angry, or depressed- 6 months of 400-500 phone bills all for the sake of continued communication - I finally found someone that “loved me for me “ and i wasn't ready or willing to let go of him- -- I had NO clue what was to come-

over the next 7 1/2 years, he was locked up in either jail or Prison for 6-8 months every year - i began to call it my vacation and look forward to it - because he is bipolar but unmedicated - and his personality flips SUCK he is a really rude asshole to everyone - all because he would want to get High- or rather his BODY does - he actually SAYS he doesn't WANT to do it - but I just don't believe that shit anymore- and the last time he got out of Prison, after a parole violation, not reporting or pissing dirty- or both- he was released from parole- or as he says “Off Paper” - since then he has just been a cocky almost nonstop asshole- he has this attitude like he's “UNTOUCHABLE” now - because he would actually have to get caught and pick up a new charge-

I used to call his PO and turn him in and tell them all he was doing

There were times he would steal my truck and disappear for a few days- he met the business end of a pan ( i introduced it to his head ) along with a cordless phone another time and some kicks to the ribs and ass ANOTHER time - ( i may be a tad violent) - HOWEVER - I have since learned to hide my keys and make MY vehicles as inaccessible as I can- the REALITY - is no one should have to live like this-

#donemytime #jailbird

Reality sets in:.....but not really

We had spent the weekend together in Dallas @ the Texas Motor Speedway, on the way there we got into an accident - someone rear ended my truck, it was being left in Dallas to be repaired so I needed a rent car- after a week or so it was ready- he drove my truck down to me and was going to drive the rental back but when he came to the house my X husband was there and for some dumb reason they did that stare off thing that some guys do chest to chest with words exchanged - SERIOUSLY _ OBVIOUSLY my X didn't want me - but seemed to think while he was out sowing his royal oats - I was just supposed to turn into a divorced spinster and remain ALONE forever- NOT - anyway they got into a verbal altercation- “Z” got in the rental said his goodbyes and headed back to Dallas- All the while the thought creeping into his head that if I wasn't still sleeping with my X that he wouldn't have acted that way and Z got it into his head that I was playing him- despite our talk about everything on the way home via phone - I thought all was good- little did i know that the conflict with my X set some triggers in motion for Z and he went back home and went to a meeting - but left the meeting - scored and proceeded to get High - he drove back home, but thought to himself, “ONE MORE” - and drove BACK downtown and past a police officer that had noticed him in the same area earlier - so he pulled him over and Z went to jail that night - I woke up to a voicemail saying “ I’m Sorry Baby I Fucked Up - I’m going to jail- “

SHOCK- everything I'm my world seemed to come to a screeching halt-

THIS is where in HINDSIGHT i realize a HEALTHY person would have cut their losses and walked away....... but NOT me sigh

Wonderment: The Beginning-

ok- lets set the scene here- I met my x husband when I was 14 - we were married when I was 19 and he started cheating when I Enlisted in the military @ 22- that crap kept going for 8 years - I thought all I wanted was to be his wife and be married forever- i didn't realize i had ANY worth nor did I think ANYone else would EVER want anything to do with me - Looking back I can see this all tied into the (less than ideal childhood) which formed a JACKED up foundation for a human to begin with- but He didn't help by telling me “ no one will ever want you” - “you're fat” “you're damaged goods” “you are lucky I even LET you have my last name” - all the while all I could ask myself is “How can I make him Happy? “ - well darling, Ive since learned its NOT MY JOB TO MAKE HIM HAPPY - NOR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT FACT- so we will pick up at the very end of that ridiculous ride- ANYWAY-the divorce was final in December of 2008 following an almost 2 year separation where he bounced around between his buddies houses and his “Flavor of the week” whoever She/They were at the moment - GOOD RIDDANCE- only I didn't realize Id fallen into a another trap - A much different one - but a trap none the less-

In the process of trying to heal and figure out why I would even ALLOW myself to stay in a situation like that for 16 years - I found some support group type pages on a social media site and I “liked” a few of the quotes and inspirational sayings- one day I got a message from someone commenting on my bio on my profile- ( someone took TIME to read what I had written ) so a dialog began and lasted about a month - escalated from messages to phone calls and finally we met face to face - spent an AMAZING weekend together! He was everything I wanted - and had been told I deserved- loved UNconditionally, praised, accepted, adored, he made me feel like I was his World! my heart felt FULL I felt LOVED for the first time in all my 30 years! He was working the 12 Step program and admitted he had a past- ok, so what, everyone has a past- who am I to judge- well ........ 3 months of everything i thought id always wanted and he loved my kids! they weren't just “someone elses children” - THEN the crap set in .......

Crackhead Chronicles....

it all started about 10 years ago- coming out of a less than Healthy Marriage not knowing just how UNHEALTHY I was, but knowing i felt beat down emotionally and undesirable a worn out mom of 5 just trying to stay afloat, do the best I can for my kids and get somewhere in life- where ? I don't know- but just not HERE- ...... 10 years later looking back - NOT HERE EITHER - so lets see what this turns into I've scribbled in many a journal over the years all with failure to follow through - seems to be my weak point-but when I do come across one - its some year - some date - but all the same ole shit - i do not use proper punctuation i simply try to get the thoughts out of my head- onto something- maybe in “black & white” they can give me SOME semblance of relief - I am not a skilled writer- however when SPEAKING I do seem to be able to convey my point and tell a good story- I will do my best to get the point across-

#liedtomyface #crackiswhack #dontdodrugs #relationship fail #tellmehowyoureallyfeel #over this shit

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