LeAndra | 36 | Upstate NY | Demisexual | Bi | SubSwitch | Self love warrior | She/Her | Alt | INFJ-T | Spoonie | cPTSD | ;Survivor | Believer
Hard Limits posted | 18+| Age posted or block! | No blank blogs
This is your disclaimer that you will most likely be blocked if you scroll past this post just because it's long (unless you have an incredible ability to sense someone's boundaries without reading them or you're the safest person I've ever encountered on this site)
My main purpose here is to practice socializing and share common interests with others who make a continuous effort to be a safe person. Shared accountability is my goal by posting limits. It's a firm value of mine that everyone deserves to feel safe, which is why I will hold you accountable to act within these limits if you want to interact with me. You can expect the same in return.
It's a deeply engrained character trait of mine to care for others, and I'm forever learning to include caring for myself when advocating fiercely for the big changes and mindset shifts that are necessary to meet the needs of people who are struggling. Through my journey, the theme I keep seeing is that we all deserve to have our needs met by nondestructive means, we all deserve unconditional love (especially from ourselves), and we can all do a little better every day when we try our best to be intentional about how we handle the natural struggles of being human... in illness, in need, in war, in pandemic, in recession, etc.
So, any reckless or knowingly harmful choices are not welcome here. Any behavior that shows conscious disregard or clearly risks these values will not be tolerated
My content is under #scrolls (posts aren't mine unless tagged)
For fun: Aries Sun♈️ Cancer Moon♋️ Cancer Rising♋️ B.S.Psychology🎓BorderCollieMom🐾 Auntie Lee 💕 😅 INFJ-Turbulent 🌌ElderEmo🎵🤘🏻🎧 Hetero-Leaning Bisexual🏳️🌈 Demisexual💜 Submissive-Leaning Switch🥰 cPTSD&AbuseSurvivor💚SuicideAwareness; ✝️ UpstateNY🍎🌼 Spoonie🙃 Sleep💤 Hydrate💧Yoga🧘🏻♀️ Lift💪🏻 Hike🥾
More about me in the FAQ section if you're interested!
READ BEFORE FOLLOWING or INTERACTING
Now for the nitty gritty....
HARD LIMIT - by interacting or following me, you agree that I can hold you accountable for my boundaries when interacting with anyone in any area of this page (messages, comments, replies, tags, asks, anons) ... you will be blocked if you cross a hard limit even if you decided not to read them.
If you don't understand your own intentions, this blog is not a place to dabble in figuring out how you want to treat boundaries. You would be putting me, my followers, and yourself at risk when choosing to disregard boundaries. I don't enable this behavior. I take any steps necessary to escalate safety precautions when someone exhibits these behaviors toward me or my followers, up to and including detailed reports for harassment and IP blocking.
DNI:
❌ Under 18/ Ageless/Blank blogs
❌TERFS/SWERFS
❌Fatphobes, transphobes, homophobes, misogynists
❌ Anyone condoning misgendering/detransition hate
❌ Pedophiles or "MAPs" (minor-attracted persons)
❌ Anyone condoning racism, bigotry, or raceplay
❌️ Anyone shaming sex work
❌Toxic doms, toxic dommes, toxic subs
❌ Anyone indulging in NPD, psychopathic, or sociopathic traits while refusing mental health treatment (This is for personal protection only due to trauma recovery... I understand not everyone will like this bulletpoint. I am in no way intending to dehumanize anyone with these conditions or suggest that every person doesn’t deserve support from people who are trained, healed, and healthy enough to regulate their own tolerance levels. I am safely acknowledging that I am not.)
✿ BDSM / Hard & Soft Kinks (Accepted "Green Light" Kinks) including but not limited to: bondage, impact play, domination & submission dynamics, masochism, mild asphyxiation, soft/caring degradation, JOI, sensory deprivation, collaring, body modification, pet play, sex toy play, body worship, size difference (I'm 5'4"), voice kink, hand kink, heavy praise and validation, safe consensual boundary exploration, trauma play as researched through psychologically backed methods (this list may grow as I learn)
HARD BOUNDARIES/LIMITS/FAQ
If you've gotten this far, I assume you're interested in more than just skimming/scrolling and leaving... If you do plan to DM me or interact beyond the occasional like and reblog, you're accountable to click through and keep reading. Answering or repeating this information for each person who wants to get to know me hasn't been a realistic undertaking alongside the overbearing struggles I'm currently dealing with. Attention to this detail has shown me a clear difference between those who do or don't take the time to read... I will take accountability for my part in discussing and clarifying whenever necessary, but not with anyone who refuses accountability from the start.
Yes, I am survivor of multiple narcissitic abusers...and a long term trauma recovery participant. Sometimes I come here to vent so I don't let unhealthy amounts of my emotional burden become an obstacle during my daily obligations. I do post QUITE a lot about mental health, and am open, honest, vulnerable, and courageous about my struggles and needs. My posts will vary, but if some mental health venting isn't your thing, you may want to unfollow. I get in my feels some days
Yes, I do believe in God, and advocate for BDSM as a means of post abuse recovery. If you're curious about my meshed perspective, please ask respectfully about the resources I've learned from if you're interested. I've done lots of research and my own personal exploration within the baptist faith, safe sane consensual BDSM, and trauma play.
I have made failed attempts to vet possible romantic /sexual/BDSM partner(s). I convince myself often that I should remain focused on learning to reciprocate friendship fully and safely in platonic interactions first. I have found that learning healthy communication skills can easily be clouded by the desire to hold on to the deeply needed and cherished feelings of being wanted and chosen as a submissive. I feel I have hurt people along the way and they've hurt me. I had been scared I was still hurting safe people and myself with the survival skills that stuck with me during prolonged abuse, and it turns out that was somewhat true. I do feel empowered for making the progress and I still have things to learn. Thanks to lots of reading, exploring myself in therapy, here on tumblr, and and many many other ways, I have shifted from a fear of myself to a mindset of self acceptance and compassion for the struggles I've overcome, and an open minded curiosity for the things I need to learn.
I'm happily divorced since 2021. I escaped from 12 years of spousal abuse in a trauma bond after an entire childhood of similar emotional neglect and abuse. I'm still learning how to be a safe person, unlearning my unsafe behaviors, and discerning between safe and unsafe people in my life as well 💜 I have no idea when I'll be ready to form healthy & secure romantic/emotional/sexual attachment, but I'm certainly not going to stop learning about love, sex, attachments or BDSM while I grow to become ready. I love these topics. Dream about them asleep and awake. Live for them to eventually become my reality in the right balance, whatever the right balance may be, and also have incredible patience when I decide to devote my mind to something. So whenever I'm ready, I'm ready. That's my decision. Navigating life after abuse is not to be taken lightly; nor is rediscovering personal identity when you’ve been robbed of the freedom to be yourself in past relationships. After much effort, healing, and growth, I have held on to believe there are still wonderful opportunities for true connection, friendship, love, safety, exploration, and beyond. Despite the dark places I’ve been dragged, I'm relieved to keep finding the courage to explore all these things I was restricted from for many years. Doing the heavy lifting of healing, learning to understand my needs, holding my shaky new boundaries, and riding the roller coaster of early post abuse has all led exactly where I had hoped. I've shed many toxic relationships in the aftermath not realizing how much disrespect I was tolerating and made room for so much wonderful change. The best change of all, learning that I actually can love myself. REALLY love myself. Unconditionally. Mistakes and all, and now believe I'm loveable and can give love freely. I'm very happy to say I'm well on my way to finding who I was meant to be all along underneath the influence of my past abusers, and much of that is thanks to this blog and my followers, mutuals, and some of you who have really found a place in my heart as life long friends 💜
I am actively seeking friends and mentors. This entire journey just keeps getting sweeter thanks to support from wonderful, safe, steady people who I've been lucky enough to call friends and mentors along the way so far. Impossible without them! I've learned that most if not all of my growth was supported in some way by people who respected my boundaries and showed genuine concern for my well-being. I'm also working on becoming the best type of friend and mentor I can be in return!
I'm openly admitting to and exploring the healing process from many addictive behaviors/trauma responses that I was ashamed of and hid from for a while. If I've learned anything through this journey, it's that staying quiet and ashamed of my story was the most toxic choice I was making. Sharing my journey is a privilege. Reading my story is a privilege. As a reminder, this is a judgement-free space, and it takes courage to be vulnerable! I believe this is my best quality and I protect it fiercely. You will see posts about recovering from hypersexuality, emotional eating, over-exercising, compulsively searching for love due to loneliness/anxious attachments with abusers, self isolation/social deprivation due to feelings of shame and low self worth, shape-shifting/lacking identity due to confusion and gaslighting in major life stages.
I'm not fully healed. There is no such thing. I'm also not the same girl from the beginning of my journey who engaged almost constantly in unsafe/excessive levels of self destructive behaviors. The growth process is called a process for a reason. I'm well on my way to recognizing, learning about, and returning to safe levels of a few of these behaviors, and still struggling with others. Balance has been the name of the game since some of these behaviors are good things in the right amounts and contexts. Rebuilding my identity and learning my needs has been the biggest challenge! So yes, I talk about junk food, sex, working out, being an introvert, craving attention, wanting love eventually, fluctuations in self worth, learning to socialize, healthy attachment styles, and being moody, developing healthy tolerance levels, and becoming a fully functioning healthy human being who can and will still need healthy coping mechanisms, still has vices, and will still be wildly in love with life, feel things deeply, and probably over do it sometimes 😅
So, boundaries are still just as necessary for me as ever....
HARD BOUNDARIES/LIMITS
💜 Don’t ask me for contact information outside of tumblr on other social media such as snapchat, instagram, etc. I will offer if I’m comfortable. You will be blocked if you ask me first.
💜 Don’t ask me for nude photos, phone number, video chat, sexting/ dirty chat. It's listed in multiple places on my blog that I'm a demisexual and that you would know very clearly very far in advance if I were pusuing you and considering you as a partner for this level of intimacy.
💜 Don't push me on the topic of physical touch, even platonically. I understand this is a primary love language for many people and I'm learning to become comfortable at my own pace to accept platonic displays of love from friends and family. You are required to ask consent, even to send a hug emoji for the first time. I have trauma to heal from around these gestures and you can either be part of the healing or unfortunately be blocked.
💜 I’m learning. Don’t mock, judge, or demean me for what I don’t know yet. Educate me respectfully. Give me a chance to look things up and don’t be mean or rude. Even indirectly by venting about our interactions to others in judgmental ways. I expect a chance to discuss mistakes and misunderstandings rather than having my follies spread across this platform. Please take comfort in knowing you can expect the same fair treatment. I also expect your words to match your actions. If you tell me you respect where I am in my journey and your behavior tells me otherwise, you will be blocked. As I've stated, I love learning and am always seeking more information in order to grow. However, surprising me or forcing that information on me can echo the patterns of my trauma or be processed incorrectly if offered while I'm in a triggered state. Ask for consent before offering unsolicited advice.
💜 For anyone who makes mention of d/s dynamics on your own blog, if you want to interact with me regularly, you will be required to state that you believe in the topics of pre-negotiations/ safewords/ aftercare. This can be done through reblogs on your own page. If you don’t believe in all 3 topics, don’t interact with me. This is also a reminder that you agree to and accept all boundaries by following or interacting with me, and your limits and intentions will remain within these boundaries. If you want to message with me, you are required to maintain self control and assure that any discussion of BDSM dynamics remains PLATONIC within my consent: sharing ideas/ advice, sharing stories, supporting each other, mentoring/learning, etc... If you attempt anything further without proper vetting, you will be blocked. If you don't tell me upfront that you read this section and agree to remain platonic, I will ask you only once to re-read. If you have submissive or switch tendencies and plan to message me regularly, you will be expected to clearly state your boundaries & discussion limits. If I don't ask you for your boundaries first because I didn't recognize your submissive or switch tendencies, you are required to tell me before beginning to message me regularly. When being asked to state your limits, you are expected to be specific and agree upon these expectations SPECIFICALLY and THOROUGHLY. Vague responses lacking specific expectations will be rejected. Multiple vague responses will be assumed to be manipulation and will result in an IP block and report for harassment. Agreeing to specifics is required for my safety and yours in order to have safe platonic conversation
💜 Absolutely immediate block if you exhibit any traits of toxic domination or toxic submission or being a “toxic dom”(or “toxic domme”) or "toxic sub"...Toxic traits include disregarding or denying that pre-negotiations, safewords, limits/boundaries, and aftercare are necessary tools for safety in this subject in any form. Repeatedly approaching the same boundaries for your own benefit. Attempting any type of dom/sub interaction with ANYONE in messages, comments, replies, tags, asks/anons on anyone's blog PRIOR to having a pre-negotiation with that person gets you labeled as toxic, IP blocked, and reported. Yes, even “just bossy flirting” or "that you can't or don't do limits" or "the limits are too difficult". They are a requirement to interact safely in this space
💜 No commanding/demanding/demeaning/degrading language or purposely throwing anyone off balance unless pre-negotiated. Even in playful or joking ways, or platonically between friends, these types of language can lead to triggers, repeat traumas, flashbacks, and even accidental episodes of subspace. You will get only one warning for this type of language in the instance that we can discuss unclear expectations or a misunderstanding related to unintentional language use or if you were unknowingly in a triggered state. Otherwise, immediate block and report for harassment
💜 Own your mistakes. I will do the same. Communicate with each other. Put in the effort. Frequently and genuinely. Introspect and also listen. Power exchange is exactly that... an exchange... NOT force. No one is perfect or has perfect self control, especially with this type of content. We are all human and we all need to be able to admit when we're wrong. Everyone deserves a chance to explain their point of view even during disagreements. Blame-shifting will not be tolerated. Refusing to discuss misunderstandings and lacking accountability will get you blocked.
💜 Treat each other like equals, no matter how you identify. Be fair. Everyone’s needs are important. We value each other as deserving tumblr users, or we don’t interact at all. When I use the word "needs" I mean things that make life unreasonably difficult to live without. Ultimately, you are responsible for getting your own needs met, finding help, and asking for help by acceptable means. Forcing those needs to become someone else's responsibility when they aren't capable and haven't given consent is abuse. Misunderstandings happen frequently in this topic when one or both parties don't understand their own needs, don't state them clearly, or don't understand their own abilities to meet someone's needs. Misunderstandings will be discussed promptly (within the same day if a hard boundary was crossed due to misunderstanding one's own abilities or tendencies.... or within the same week if an unclear topic was stumbled upon by accident that wasn't addressed before) and the "own your mistakes" boundary will be applied. If you push your needs or wants on someone without prior consent, or refuse to discuss misunderstandings promptly after they happen, you will be blocked.
💜 Words/names I will not tolerate when referring to a person in discussions on my blog or in messages: slut, bitch, whore, cunt, stupid, mindless, dumb, bimbo, pathetic, toy, sextoy, doll, mommy, mistress, sissy, slave, cumdumpster, cumslut, “just a body with holes”. Again this list applies to messages, comments, replies, tags, asks, anons (this list may grow, check back)
💜 Hard Limit "Red Light" Kinks/Off-limits discussions when interacting anywhere with anyone on my blog:
Kinks revolving around violence, torture, weapons, abrasion/cutting, blood, knives, stalking, dubious consent, rape, CNC, grooming, abduction, cult mentality, brainwashing, cannibalism, intoxication/drugging, hard uncaring degradation, humiliation, body degradation/shaming, bathroom control, omo, vomit/scat/urine, excessive spit/saliva/bodily fluid play, medical play, gangbangs, free use, impregnation outside of a committed relationship, infidelity, sleep deprivation, extended edging/orgasm denial, sexual deprivation, contraceptive control, monster/beastiality, DP/TP, somnophilia, caging, diet/exercise/food control or shaming, exhibitionism, voyeurism, approaching/pushing boundaries ("exploration") without prior consent, skipping aftercare. This list also applies to all messages, comments, replies, tags, asks (this list may grow, check back)
*disclaimer here, if you see me reblog something that references one of my red light limits, that does NOT mean I'm giving consent to discuss it. If I want to revoke the limit, that is at my discretion. Reblogging is solely for the purpose of personal exploration
^I am okay with mutuals posting some hard limit kink content and I will not be offended if I see it on my dash, but again no messages, comments, replies, or asks, anons directed toward me specifically or posted to my page or followers^
💜 You are expected to ask for clarification if you don't understand something in this post! You will be blocked if you repeatedly use the excuse that you don't understand the way I wrote my limits.
💜 You are expected to refer back to this post if you suspect that you're forgetting boundaries or if it's been a while and you can't remember the details anymore. You will be blocked if you continuously use the excuse that you "forgot" something was a boundary. I've heard this numerous times from manipulative people. I will also save a copy of your limits and boundaries if/when you share them with me.
💜 Bonus points if you notice I missed anything important. Ask consent first! before sending me advice, but certainly please do, educate me respectfully!
