[thoughtkick]

“Forgive yourself for accepting less than you deserved - but don’t do it again.”

— Unknown

[blackeneddeatheye]

[thoughtkick]

“It’s better to have nobody than someone who is half there, or who doesn’t want to be there.”

— Unknown

[mirroir]

“You never need to apologize for how you chose to survive.”

— Clementine von Radics

[thoughtkick]

“If someone does not want me, it is not the end of the world. But if I do not want me, the world is nothing but endings.”

— Nayyirah Waheed

[thoughtkick]

“Trust yourself. You have survived a lot. And you will survive whatever is coming.”

— Unknown

[lightnings467]

01/2026

[dead-silent-211]

[dreamsinreverse]

I’m drowning in my own chaos of thoughts.

[lightnings467]

You wrote those words.

I remember.

Every line still echoes through me,

like something carved into my bones.

And you know what?

It hasn’t gotten much better.

I’m still tired.

Still wondering if it even matters.

If I count.

If anyone would feel the shift if I simply disappeared.

I hoped things would ease with time.

I hoped love would heal me.

That someday, I wouldn’t have to carry so much alone.

But the truth?

Most days, I carry more.

And sometimes my heart doesn’t just feel empty—it feels worn out.

Like something that's tried too many times to be strong.

I’m not where I thought I’d be.

Not safe.

Not whole.

Not in the family you once dreamed of with such trembling hope.

But I’m still here.

Scarred.

Bruised.

Still breathing.

And somehow, that’s something.

There’s still this quiet, stubborn flame inside me

that says:

Not yet. Don’t let go just yet.

I’ve learned that longing for closeness isn’t weakness.

That wanting to be held is human.

That breaking down when you’ve carried too much alone isn’t shameful.

It’s real.

I haven’t become “better.”

But maybe I’ve become more honest.

More raw.

I tolerate less bullshit now.

I feel myself more clearly—

even if I still don’t know where I belong.

You were full of questions back then.

I’m full of exhaustion now.

But both of us—

you and I—

have this one thing in common:

We didn’t vanish.

We didn’t let go.

And maybe—just maybe—

that’s what strength really is.

To myself 2017 -2025/june

[lightnings467]

Sometimes I wonder – quietly, almost shamefully –

does it even matter

whether I live another day

or step off the bridge and disappear?

Would my absence stir anything in this world

that keeps spinning, indifferent, as if I was never here?

Day after day, the same routine.

Wake up. Function. Sleep.

And when something extraordinary happens –

a flicker of beauty, a spark of wonder –

it feels like breath in the middle of suffocation.

Like that one moment is the thread

keeping me from letting go completely.

Not out of joy –

but out of the fragile hope

that maybe this flicker will one day become fire.

I dream of a family.

A hand to hold.

A man who stays.

Children who know my laughter –

not just my silence or exhaustion.

But then I ask myself:

Would it truly heal me?

Or would I just break again,

this time dressed in something new?

Would I finally blossom –

or would it shatter me more deeply?

Maybe I’m simply wounded.

Not weak – but tired

of being the only shoulder I can lean on.

I can be alone.

I have been alone.

So many times. So long.

And before, it was okay.

But now…

now the world feels so hollow –

even though it's crowded with people.

And maybe that’s what hurts most:

To know I’m strong –

and yet still not want

to carry everything alone anymore.

Fundstücke 2017 - myself

[resqectable]

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.”

— Juliette Lewis

[vexheart]

[thoughtkick]

“self love is the only thing you need. you deserve to treat yourself with kindness.”

— Unknown

[damagedpetal]

i just want all my secrets back, i don’t want anyone to know anything about me anymore. 

[lightnings467]

… okt 2023

[resqectable]

“I am somebody. I am me. I like being me. And I need nobody to make me somebody.”

— Louis L'Amour

[resqectable]

“At a certain point, I just have to try not too think to much about certain things, or else they’ll break my heart.”

— Jonathan Franzen

[resqectable]

“Soft hearted people are not fools. They know what people did to them but they forgive them again and again because they have beautiful hearts.”

— Unknown