God talkin to me bout anxiety stuff
Doin hard work to try to manage my anxiety this weekend. Tryin to change my prayers to “thank you”s instead of “please help me”s and it helps and all my intense intrusive thoughts I quote that “there is therefore now no condemnation...” verse. Helps cast it away significantly. Anxiety stuff has been getting so physically intense the past couple weeks. Feels like im wearing a corset being pulled on way too tightly
And been fighting really uncomfortable codependency patterns in several close friendships. Been trying to tell myself I don’t *need* to take care of them, I just let their emotions push me around. I take that burden willfully by reflex. Been oversharing in groups like my bible study and stuff bc I’m just like a pot of water boiling over sometimes. Had some listening prayer time (incredible practice I learned 2 years ago) with 3 lady friends of mine and they were catching words from God like “be still and know that I am God” (I like to change it for my situation to ‘be chill’) and things like some Philippians passage about pressing on, not looking back. They also said things like seeing images of flowers blooming and the passages about how “everything is made beautiful in its time” and the passage in Matthew 6 about anxiety where Jesus points out “ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?” Basically saying God is growing me like an inbudded plant, and it will take time. I’m having so much anguish about there not being more fruit, or something. Just no peace.
And then, the whole Jesus version of the serenity prayer keeps coming up, I’ve had that on repeat in my head for like a month. Especially “help me to take this world, as Jesus did, as it is, not as I would have it.” I’ve also had this hymn “Praise to the Lord” stuck in my head over and over that I start humming or singing when my “corset” starts getting tight, or just when I feel happy and am at peace, driving or in the shower. It’s not very long, just a couple phrases over and over. There is a phrase that says the phrase “he is my help and salvation.” And I been thinking about it.
Anyway this amazing devotional app I use, Lectio 365... just look at what it covered
“Help and savior” - help and salvation hymn
Not letting things be not-okay, suffering from rushing,
not letting things be made beautiful in time, not having “peace that transcends understanding” in the middle of mess and transition
Codependent relationships making me anxious, needing to let go/not be their fixer/ “help and savior”
THE SERENITY PRAYER which like very few people know the full version bc I learned it in a Christian specific recovery program... it’s kind of obscure!!
Dude this is very cool and sweet. Yes it feels like God is talking to me and asking me to somehow unwind and have peace even in the midst of uncertainty and quiet growth I can’t really see- abd even though everything in me wants to follow my instincts and be crushed under fear, guilt and worry about unemployment, money stuff, family stuff, future stuff, friends stuff, Art stuff, expectations of myself, etc etc.
It’s so counter to how my brain leans naturally lately 🤯😔 so it is like learning to walk on a balance beam- the more I flounder and try to stay balanced, the harder it is to correct myself. But instead I should stay focused on being still and grounded and calm and gently correcting, instead of trembling with doubt and fear of falling. It is like, hard work, brain discipline to stay calm. So it’s peaceful but hard work at the same time
Anyway wanted to share how cool that was. I really recommend the App, I never have connected with a faith app before this one, the ppl who run it seem very led by the Holy Spirit bc It can be very wow
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