So today, I went through my iCloud and because it's been at max capacity from old photos for the longest of time, I could never actually thoroughly go through them to get rid of old photos but a year down the road, I never realised how big of a blessing that would be.
I stumbled upon hundreds of photos and videos of the life I shared with Jerry, I realised how truly real and gentle love had been with you, and how empty I must’ve felt, and how painful it must’ve felt for you to have to come to accept to let go of someone you loved so much because of unchangeable situation, and for me to have someone to love immediately after you. It must’ve been painful to watch me move on to someone with extreme passion that probably made you felt like you never meant anything at all. But surely that wasn’t the case. There will always be a space in my heart that remains filled with memories of you, more so than any partner I’ve ever had because 3 years is a long time, and I’ve grown the most with you and I’ve watched you grow time and time again, so it’s impossible to ever replace you. So in my heart you will remain, no matter who you are with, and who I am with.
I pray I find someone will love me just as much as you did, and I pray that when the time comes, it will last, and religion won’t be in the way again.
Looking back over the 6 months being single, I cried over a boy who’s love burnt with passion, but there wasn’t a bone in him that could commit to an everlasting love. Falling in love with him was like adrenaline, it was almost as if I was impulsively deciding on doing something crazy stupid, enjoying it, at risk of death or injury. It’s like an extreme sport, crazy fun, unpredictable, addicting but you have an inherent probability of dying or getting injured. Most times you’re lucky but when it falls through, coming back from it is more difficult than ever. It cuts you deeper than the loss of a soft love that just couldn’t work. But that’s just it isn’t it? I played with fire and I got burnt. Exciting, and then you realise it’s only fun and happy until it bites you back in the ass
But you know what helped me today? Looking at photos of the me before him. How real love towards me looks like. How you and I forgave each other time and time again, instances where we swore that we would never see each other again, we fought and you ran to your sister’s home and I would lock my doors and be so angry I wouldn’t want you to come back home, yet my heart would soften, and before I call you or when I do call you, you would already be on your way back home to see me.
Countless times, over the 3 years we fought, we always made up, times we thought one another would never change and we found ourselves unconsciously changing a few months down the road because we just really enjoyed each others presence so much that nothing that came between us was big enough of an obstacle to keep us apart. Petty or big issues just became a page of our history. Well, normal relationship problems aside, your ugly traits and mine aside, ultimately we only broke up for good when the love for one another was not enough to be a reason to forgo the love and commitment to our gods. But looking back at it despite the break and the mistakes, we had it all. I was anxious and you made me secure, each and everyday, I never delved deeply in what you did or how you made me feel that way, but looking back on our photos, I get it now.
I never realised how many photos we have of us where you were gently kissing my head, videos and pictures of you randomly embracing me without asking, how often you kissed me lovingly, how friendly you’d joke with me, how tender you were when you held me, how lovingly you looked at me, and how you would compliment me like I was the only girl that existed in your life. And funnily enough, as my memories are tied to photos, I remembered that before some of those photos and videos, we had big fights or silly altercations where I would sulk or get upset over little things, yet when I take videos after we made up, the love and how gently you treated me never changed.
You’d always remind me that you’ll love me even if I was jobless, even if I was handicapped, even if someone splashed acid all over my face, you’d still be by my side. It wasn’t just empty words you gave me, but from the way you loved me or treated me, it spoke louder than anything you could’ve said, no matter how bad you were at communicating.
I knew you loved me because I know it wasn’t because I’m able or I’m pretty, it was because you saw through my flaws, you held me through the hard times in my life and despite the pain of our differences that tore us apart, seeing and feeling the forgiveness you showered me with, truly define what love really is, and in turn, you softened my heart to love you the way you loved me.
Being in love with you made me learn to love more earnestly and honestly than I ever did, which is a good thing with the right person, but incredibly dangerous when given to a person who doesn’t treat my heart with care.
How can I ever thank you for loving me that much? You loved me despite my ugliest flaws and mistakes, forgave me countless times and kept the love flowing. You taught me how to love better despite my rough tendencies. Now, I love and forgive to the best I can, hoping I could even get close to how you could forgive me for the worst things I’ve ever done. Even though our paths have diverged and moved forward with the hands of time, I’m now relearning what it means to be loved, and how I should continue to love, despite all the pain I’m experiencing. I’m grateful I stumbled upon our photos and videos because it serves as a reminder to me that there is someone out there who would love me the way you did, to show that real love goes beyond time, space, and fights.
Seeing our love made me remember how safe it felt to be in a secure relationship with someone who chooses to love you despite your flaws and believes in a better future as a couple, rather than the addicting thrill and adventure of a fiery passionate love with the chance of love burning out or burning me at any moment. It also set the bar for me not to be so hung up over a boy who doesn’t know how to love someone enough to look for the light at the end of the tunnel, someone who isn’t strong enough to stay even despite the hurdles that come his way and to not love someone who is incapable of loving anybody enough to cherish their presence to make things work no matter how steep the mountain may seem at first.
It made me realise that I deserve someone honest, who doesn’t lie to me or himself to keep an imaginary happy image of a relationship going on to me, the world and himself afloat. That I deserve a love with someone who no matter how bad the fights get, or how far we run, or how hard it may seem, always comes back around because of the genuine love and forgiveness for each other that we share.
Thank you Jerry, you’ve thought me so much back then and even now, more than a year apart and without contact, you still manage to help me without even lifting a finger. I’m glad someone genuine loves you now, and I feel so genuinely happy seeing videos of the two of you. Although it didn’t always start off that way, but I’ll always have mad love for you because our love is never meant to intertwine more than what has already transpired, so I’ll smile and let a prayer slip through my lips for your happiness, whether it’s her, or if by the grace of God, me, should you ever convert and it leads you back to me, i don’t know.
I used to want to control what happens in my life, and worry and hurt in the process. But now I really don’t want to fight what’s in store for me, I let things go and unravel as it comes while loosely following a goal in my life, and if I meet someone who loves me along the way, whether it happens that ex I almost married, or you, or just about anybody I can open my heart to and is a person who is capable of loving me you the way you did, I’ll be eternally grateful.
I am hopeful and I am stronger now, because the me a year ago, could never be alone after a breakup, the me then would’ve never seen the beauty in the solitude you loved so much to bask in, and most definitely, the old me would have shattered at the sight of old happy memories, whether it may be Bryan. Jerry or him. But I don’t now. I’m so proud of me. Taking a trip down memory lane, something I didn’t expect to go through tonight, showed me that I am someone worth loving and I shouldn’t have been been treated nor destroyed the way I was last year.
I’ve been on my knees crawling day by day, and by the time I look back, the memory is so much further from me than what I my mind had exaggerated it to be. Truly eye opening. I’ll keep moving forward, smile and be happy with someone in the future. I know it’ll come.
