The Bluestocking @lilcashew - Tumblr Blog

i want to let go.

It's so frustrating. I know the answer to these questions but the word and sentence construction elude me.

1/20/22 12:18 AM Thursday

When have I done something that made me feel truly alive? For years, I made choices because it is what is expected of me. I have decided on matters because I am tied down by responsibility and obligation to the family. I chose to do things because I felt lacking and way behind my peers. Embarrassing for me to admit but I gave in to the pressure. For a long time, I have let others think and decide for me. And here I am, wanting to break away from everything that’s tying me down. I feel so suffocated. I feel miserable. I feel anxious and burn out. I feel like I’ve been living on someone else’ shoes for a long time and now, the heaviness of the pretense is weighing me down. Every morning, the thought of seeing people and trying to fix their issues and problems for work is giving me cold sweats and panic attack. I told myself I’d give myself a break from school and here I am enrolling myself in three courses this semester because i was afraid of wasting my time and lagging behind everyone else. My brain is going on haywire as tears well in my eyes and suddenly it’s getting harder and harder to breathe.

If things were different, I wouldn't have gotten a job that would be interacting with people. I’d rather make art, write, face a book or computer all day than to deal with demanding people. But Art doesn't make enough money to feed the family and so I chose a more practical one. I’m taking DPT courses because the world is complicated and competitive. Jokes on me, I don’t even like PT in the first place.

I want to live my life in my own terms, even if it would be unconventional and inconvenient because then will be the only time i’ll feel alive.

12/19/21 5:57 PM

I’ve been crying deep ugly sobs fro two days straight now. I sleep and wake up feeling very exhausted. I stare at the white ceiling above me and this gnawing feeling of emptiness engulfs my whole being. I feel like I’m drowning, barely could keep my head above water. I feel like gasping for air and a huge wave of tightness clogs my throat and headache rings my ears. what is happening to me? I’m holed up in. my room for two days now. I just want to disappear. juts to get these overwhelming feelings off me. Please help me.

12/05/21 Sunday 10:35

It’s been two years now since I arrived here in the States. Indeed, the saying: “the days are long and the years are short” rings true. It’s winter time again, my least favorite season. I’ve been feeling a little lonely with the gloomy season taking over.

Lately, I find myself thinking again. I wonder why I always repeat how I wanted to go home when I’m actually at the house I’m currently renting. I made myself at home since I’ve been here for two years but it doesn’t feel like i’m completely home. I’m also thinking maybe I’m just missing home but at the back of my mind, I know that would no longer be the same home I’d had when I was a child.

I just feel a little unsettled. My thoughts and feelings are running erratically high and unstable. There’s a certain heaviness in my chest I couldn’t quite get rid of. I find myself so fatigued an unmotivated especially at work and even towards. the. things that I enjoy the most. I’ve got no one to tell this to. Just me, this llitte cyber space and the Lord. To be honest, if I didn't have a faith or the Lord to hold unto during these conflicting times, the thin fragile thread holding me together might have snapped a long time ago. My mind strays and would often seek the unknown oblivion, but I’m too much of a coward to do it. So I pray. I pray a lot.

At times, I wake up crying and gasping for breath as if I was drowning in my dreams. I get these cold clammy sweats in the daytime during driving or before seeing my clients but I try so hard clamp my thoughts and emotions down and attempt to get out of my head and function as a normal person. I smile and go about my day and the people I talk to doesn’t have a clue of the raging turmoil deep in my heart.

But I guess, I should welcome these feelings. Acknowledge the bad just as much as I do the good. That’s the only way i’d be able to move forward from this. So I’m writing it here. Hopefully and on a positive note , I’ll read this post a month or year from now, and I’ll be a much better version of a person than I am today.

I wanted to post this just in case I read it again in the future. I pray that I can find a man who loves me unconditionally like my papa. One little fantasy added is that, I pray he’d be as gentle as Nichkun and as goofy and silly as Taecyon.

#wishful thinking

I feel a deep seated sadness to the point of wanting to end this nagging sense of nothingness and just let go. On days like this, please give me strength. Please give me strength.

I would have bailed. If I had known

I don’t know what’s gotten into me but I just deactivated my fb, tw and ig accounts except tumblr. Tumblr is good for baring my soul

Sometimes I just want to die

I had hoped to spend the day with my friend this weekend. We haven’t hanged out for quite a while. I know It’s very wrong for me to feel disappointed that she chose to bring her boyfriend along. I mean it’s supposed to be our day together, right? And she gets to see her man every weekends or whatever. I didn’t have the heart to tell her otherwise. I’m such a wuss, I know.

I just feel that she should’ve been sensitive about these things. There’s a time you spend with your significant other and a time for your friends. I just feel disappointed.

I don’t why I find people so draining. I need my alone time.

sometimes I have this overwhelming urge to talk and let them know how my day went but they seemed so preoccupied with their own problems that I don’t have the heart to tell anything that might worry them more. it’s lonely. really. I’m well aware how time catches up on them and that life is short. thinking about how they’re fending all by themselves while they’re growing old without me to physically take care of them makes me want to pack up and go home. I miss them so much.

my introvert self needs a break and a recharge. I’ve been dealing with people all week and it drains a lot of my energy. weekends are my days to actually have some quiet time to my self but no sir. 😫 I can’t wait to have an apartment if my own.

I hate myself for being so jaded

I feel like I'm being tossed out in the sea and the waves throw me around in every direction. my existence is meaningless. I thought that maybe by this time, I’d be able to figure out what I really wanted to do in my life. but here I am, working mindlessly and soullessly without any sense of purpose. I want to wake up and live each day with a spring in my step. I want yo look forward to my day, to the life ahead of me. but how do I achieve that ehe I feel so empty and lost inside?

Sometimes I get so enthusiastic and excited about something, I forgot no one is interested to hear about it anyway. Better to keep things to myself then.

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