I've come back to tumblr because I wanna take a moment to take proper accountability on how I treated my ex and a number of other people.
Throughout last year and during this year, I've been neglectful/emotionally abusive/guilt-tripping/manipulative towards friends and my ex-partner and I've used my bpd as an excuse for my actions, as an excuse to justify my behavior and to keep them with me, and reacted out of impluse and kicked my friends out of my life because I didn't think about their feelings and only thought about my own. I didn't think about how this would affect them emotionally and was only focused on myself- I didn't give them the space they needed and let my jealously over their relationships with each other ruin my own friendship with both of them. I viewed everything as an attack and acted like I wasn't the one in the wrong even when I went too far, and often used excuses to seem like i was a victim. I've repeated my actions again and again- and I've lashed out and hurt people that didn't deserve it. I'm facing the consequences of my actions once again, and it should've never gotten this bad because I should've never reacted this way towards the people I was supposed to care about.
I'm addressing this once again because I deleted the first post about it when I should've kept it up so I can make people aware of my actions before choosing to associate with me if they wish to. As for my behavior, I hope to (within the next few months and after that, and continuing to follow that path so i dont make the same mistakes again and again) get a proper diagnosis for my bpd first so i can go into treatment that'll help me deal with my depressive episodes/thoughts, then work on changing my behavior so I learn to quit reacting on impluse, be aware of my impact on others, and break this cycle so I can be the best person for myself and for anyone else that chooses to be in my life. I will be online less and less throughout this process, and will be trying to make a life for myself in real life because it would be better on my mental health to handle things on my own so I can properly change for the better and not for the worst (and with a professional for my behavior issues), and so I don't hurt anyone else on here (and anyone else I've already hurt/taken advantage of) and take care of the people I have irl so I can be a better person for those around me and prioritize everyone else's behavior while taking care of myself so I can treat people better than I have in the past.
No one here is obligated to interact with me or be friends with me. The people I've hurt are not obligated to forgive me or let me back into their lives after the trauma I've gave them. I'm doing this so I can learn from these experiences and so I can look back on my relationships with these people and see what I can do better in my future and remind myself on how to properly treat other people and make better decisions in my future relationships, and so I don't go into my 20s (and so-on) treating other people this way while taking accountability for the things I've done now. I'm well aware I can't take back what I've done to these people, and because of that the only thing I can do about it now is try to fix myself so the cycle doesn't repeat again and it stops for good. I believe that is it, and thank you for reading, and goodbye.
