As a kid I always thought I was straight. Well actually I didn't gink about sexuality at all, I just had crushes on boys, because that's what everybody was doing. Later on, as a teenager I found out, that people don't necessarily only like the opposite gender. So women were an option now! At that time I thought I was bi, because I could look at both male and female an find them fascinating and beautiful. So I purposefully opened myself for the possibility of dating a woman, never developing a crush though. But whoever I kissed or hugged (that sounds like I have a lot of experience, but I'm an actual noob at this), no matter the gender, it always felt kind of off. Kind of, like I was acting and not being myself. I was acting like I enjoyed it, because that's what I thought people are feeling. At some point I thought everyone just acted like this and made those things up, so I went along with it. Closer to my twenties (that's where I am now) I stumbled over the term "asexuality". But I kind of ignored all the signs and disregarded it, because I was definitely not asexual! Or was I? No, it couldn't be. I watched porn, I masturbated, I wanted to finally experience sex, I was a very sexual person, so I pushed the asexuality debate away. Later, at some point I realized, that people didn't act like they had the hots - they actually, truly, really wanted to have sex and enjoyed it. Like they would actually undress someone in their mind or think about specific people while masturbating, not just say it sarcastically. People meant it. Do that know me of destroyed my whole understanding of how the world works. That's where I started to think I was asexual. But how am I supposed to know, whether I'm asexual, if I don't even know, what sexual attraction feels like? What if I experienced it and didn't recognize it yet? On the other hand, I never had the urge to actually have sex with an actual person, it seemed wrong, the better I liked a person, the more having sex with them seemed wrong. I still wanted to have sex thought. What if I liked it? I didn't want to be a virgin forever. So now, every time I found a person beautiful I thought about whether I wanted to have sex with them and it was like "well, I don't feel compelled or like I really need it, but I would try just for the sake of not being a virgin anymore". That meant I thought about sex a lot, because I was trying to figure out, if I feel sexual attraction or not. At some point the "do I want to bang this person"- thought was the first thing that popped up, whenever I met a new person. Also I never felt aroused by a person. I got aroused reading about a couple in a fanfic or movie, but that was not because I wanted to bang them. I was just really touched and enjoyed their relationship development and confusingly got aroused by that. Then I realized, that masturbating never had an emotional aspect for me, I just did it because it felt good and helped me fall asleep. It was kind of like watching TV. Sometimes I felt gross after doing it, wondering what the actual fuck I was doing and how weird it was. To sum up: I see beauty in all genders, I develop crushes on men, I probably feel no sexual attraction, but I'm still a sexual person. And it makes me crazy. I would love to be allosexual, I wish I was. I want to know what it feels like, because right now I feel like missing out on something great. But I can't change what I feel and it frustrates me very much. It's confusing.
