I was already familiar with the bliss of surrender
intimate with the sensation of its fine details as it saturates mind and body
a pleasure that is at once both dazed and feverish
to be still in anticipation, ready to pour out from oneself—to offer
purely for the relief it offers the raw, tender edges of a frayed, overworked nervous system
centered
grounded
but You taught me the ecstasy of pain
the way it sears, bites and leaves the loveliest marks in its afterimage
most of all, the way the it entangles itself with pleasure
until the line between the two ceases to matter
each step deeper toward its siren call feeding a hunger for more
chasing that “extra pleasure”
burning
building
I knew it was a trap
your intentions were never obscured
and I took each step toward my demise
more than a consenting party, a willing accomplice of my own corruption
far too curious for my own good
and now I gaze upon the image in the bathroom mirror of the girl we both created
together
as stunning as it is terrifying
an image wrecked and punctured with wounds in places a hollow point could ever reach
but one you always called “beautiful”
and so I replay the memories of my descent like film tape if only to feel that “extra pleasure” once more
maybe that was your parting gift
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inspo credit: “Nazareth” and “Take Aim” by Sleep Token and of course the muse, my Ghost
