Writing Through The Traumas

[limerence-lockout]

Integrate

This is the first of the silence that I can't wait to enjoy. It is somber and heavy, instead of filling a void.

In the silence I can still hear you, but now I decide that it's not my view.

While not fully healed, I can see that is true, I build walls for myself much like a cocoon. I will move in silence, but never the shadows, and take a page from your book while rewriting my own. I will use what resonates, not what you taught, but what I've experienced from navigating the thoughts.

I am not healed, nor better than you, but the least I can do is walk in your shoes. Not all your lessons were bad, some of them are true, it just took me a while to separate which ones were you.

[limerence-lockout]

One

A piece of me waits by the window, watching and knowing. The cycle can't end, for it's only growing.

It's not your cycle this time, it's mine to begin. The past, present, and future all gathered with a grin.

I was fragmented before, hardly one piece. Now in the night we all sit, finally at peace.

We recall the trials, the hardship, the struggle. We laugh together now, and not at one another.

For we are all one, whole and conjoined. Before we blamed and pointed fingers, refusing to take shame.

But we have grown past that, all and one. The past wounds are mending, the ones long before your cuts. There is no I, she, or in the past. There is only now and what journey I decide to outlast.

For that is why the cycle has just begun. It's a cycle of healing, love, and all for one.

The child will not cry and cling for attention any longer. The teenager will not brood and refuse to go farther. The future is patient, kind, and composed. And then there is me, living and grown.

The cycle is different, not the ones you've seen. This cycle is new, still fresh and clean. This cycle is about reliance, trust, and solidarity. And in this cycle, I bury the irony.

[limerence-lockout]

My Way

I still think of the what ifs sometimes. I still hear your song. I still wish you good fortune, but I am no longer riding along.

I won't hold my truths in the dark of the night, or brush them aside with a sigh and half lie.

I will be loud about my healing. It's only natural since I spent so long being silenced. If you did nothing wrong, then it shouldn't be an issue.

I'll speak my truths, during night or day, and still end the story wishing you a good way. I am proud to have known you, even if for a short burst. For you have changed my life, and not for the worst.

Your lessons were harsh, cruel, and unjust. But it led me here, full of self trust.

For you taught me the way, despite how you tried not to. How to have faith in myself, and end with a smile every damn day.

[limerence-lockout]

Relief

I have released you now, let go of my grasp. For so long I hoped it would last. I have come to terms with it, that you are not that man. I wish you the best, but I won't look back.

I've shut the doors, windows as well. Locked them tight, and familiarized myself with your spell. You won't be forgotten, that much is true, you will be the lesson that allowed me to build anew.

I thank you for your cruelty, much to my dismay. Without those moments, I'm sure I would have stayed.

Thank you for releasing me all those months back. You didn't realize the favor you granted me, even when I looked back. Thank you for proving me right, though you didn't know my bet. You played right into my hand, but I promise not to bite.

Instead, I release you gently and wish you good fortune. For I forgive you, and all your harsh lessons.

[limerence-lockout]

Home

A broken shell. A hollow home.

What constitutes a home? The place I reside? It doesn't feel like home when you're not here. It feels empty, haunted by the laughter we shared, the futures we promised, and the lies not yet revealed. Grief swallows me whole while clarity tries to pull me free, the worst tug of war to be the centerpiece.

I remember the love in your eyes, and I believe it's real. Unfortunately for me, you don't know how to feel. The perfect man, crafted so carefully, was born out of hope and adoration. The mask wasn't born to shield me from your lies. I see what it is now, a lie you try to live by.

The mask was for me, and my eyes alone. Build to be everything you knew I wanted. It wasn't malicious, in fact quite the opposite. You wanted to provide, to allow me to hold my head high. The shame in this is not that you tried, it's that you never warned me of your lies.

Did you think I would run? Stay away? Maybe hide?

Oh, my dear love, please swallow your pride.

I love you for who you are, flaws and all. I love those eyes and how they claim me saying "mine". Your protection was not the problem, nor was your guidance. It was when your hand began to over rule mine.

If we spun it back, tried one more time, would we both have learned a lesson this time? Shall we walk the line? I know you ache, and how you suffer. Come now darling, stop racing towards another.

[limerence-lockout]

Limerence

Valentine's Day.

A day of happiness, romance, and kindred spirits.

I dress, plaster my smile, and present to the world, but I never attend.

It's been over two months since you left, but I still see you in everything I do. Your name is a whisper in the breeze, and every flake of snow I see is just as beautiful as the ones from the day I met you. Reminders of you surround me, haunting me of a dream I can not have.

You released a new song. This was the first I've heard you come close to admitting fault for what you did to me, though it was vague. Is this your collapse? Was I your turning point? Did your actions against me force you to rethink how you perceive the world?

I hope this is true, for even if I am not the woman for you, it will aid the last. Your song is about loss and shame, how you can't face yourself from inside the pain. I tried to contact you, foolish i know. After all you put me through, I should run for the hills. But I am your moth and you are my flame, try as i might i can't stay away.

You call to me, beckoning me closer, and I can't stop myself from following you deeper. Down the rabbit hole, and into the burrow. Will this time end with smiles and laughter, or the strike you swore I would never feel? Will this return be cherished and hold true, or is it just another ego boost for you?

That's why I can not chase. I offer cracks in the door, a way to view your world and be part of you, but I can not linger. The limerence is gone and I see who you are. A broken man, a shell of who I thought was true, and even with the lies and deceit I still want you.

[limerence-lockout]

Reopened Wound

I am distressed, helpless, distraught, and confused. Why couldn't I be the one where you stayed? The one that you choose?

The wound is reopened, bleeding like fresh. My heart screams your name while buried in my chest.

Make this pain end, I beg of you, please. For your love only comes with thousands of fees.

I can not take it anymore. I am alone, forgotten, left behind in your life.

Was it not me that you called your wife?

It's been so long since I've heard your voice. I should be over this by now, so why am I in a vice?

I am not okay.

I can not take this pain.

Why do I have to go on another day?

I've tried to forget, and I've tried to let go. Someone please tell me, what will kill this damn hope?

[limerence-lockout]

Similarity

You truly did try your hardest for me. I understand why you feel broken, rejected, and alone. I have heard the stories of my predecessors now, and have come to realize that you tried your best only for me. Unfortunately, your best was not good enough. Your best was still controlling and hurtful, abusive and abrasive. Your best made me feel my lowest, so I can only imagine how she felt.

That's not to say I don't miss you, though. I see the promise of what you could be, how you could thrive, and how you could succeed. You believe you are perfect though, already attuned to health and tranquility. I am in love with your potential, and the man that could be.

That man does not match your actions, your words, nor your dreams. That man is who you pretended to be. Whether it was a lie or a mask, I find myself longing for that man to come back. The one that showered me in flowers, adoration, and support. But that is the same man that put this knife in my back.

Even though I'm aware of this, it doesn't quell the ache. It doesn't subdue the longing. It doesn't quiet the pain. I can recognize when something is harmful towards me, but the heart can not be tamed. In the dark of the night, when the world has gone still, I look beside me and wish you well. I look at your empty space, the one I refuse to fill, and remember what it was like to lay beside you. I remember how it felt, with my head on your chest and the even pace of your breath. I remember the drowsy midnight kisses when I rolled away and you followed, pulling me close like I was about to disappear. I remember the laughter, the love, the wholeness I felt. I curse the world, for none of it was real.

I know the whole story now, not the one that you gave. I've seen the sweet pet names, the ones that made me melt, spoken to another girl. I've seen the story you made for me, leaving out the fact of your role. I've seen the way you ran back to her when our relationship failed. You swore up and down that it was only me, that that intimacy was reserved for me. The lies brought so much pain, even though I thought I healed. It reopened the wounds, and for some reason a piece of me is still under your spell. I wonder how long your new woman will last, if she will fit in my shell.

Whether you believe it or not, it's a tall order to fill. I left you vacant and void, for I could see through your shell. I touched pieces of your soul that you didn't know existed, left kindness and warmth in my wake, because I saw how you craved it. You were different to me than the others. With them you were cold and distant, didn't bother hiding your flaws. But with me, oh lord, how hard did you fall? With me, you obsessed and chased. With me, you actually tried. Imagined a future together, despite the other girls you denied. How will she fill the spot I left, the gnawing wound in your chest that you try to avoid. Everything is a memory of me, just as you are to me. Do you think you'll survive?

[limerence-lockout]

To the Next Woman

To the one that came after me, I wish you well and I wish you strength. His will is strong, but I can promise it only lasts as long as the fight. With all of those dead eyed stares and with all of the hateful words, if you can find it in yourself to keep your will then you can survive. His touch may be nice and his kindness may come sparingly, but I can promise you it won't go without a fight. You will win, you will lose, you will cry, and you will beg. You will do just as I and the one before me have done. For years and years he's repeated the cycle, and I promise baby girl, you're not that special. You're not the one that can change him. You're not the one that can fix him. Don't let those lies fester in the back of your mind while you're with him.

Those lies are what tethered me and my predecessor to him, the hope of change and forgiveness. It never came and it never will. The only thing that returns is your ticket back into his cycle. Those eyes will change your world with promises for better, but if you look closely you can see that black heart simmering. Watch the way he simmers when things don't go his way, how he grows more insistent with each demand. He will erase you, because that is his skill. He wants a shadow, a clone, a silent trophy wife. You will be displayed and adored, but not in the way you're hoping for. It's all for show, an act, a carefully crafted lie. You will be isolated, needing him to thrive.

[limerence-lockout]

Survive

Survival and integration come naturally as you mourn. Mourn a life that never came to be, a broken promise, a smile that never reached the eyes. No one can tell you how to survive, which is the hardest part.

You have to learn it for yourself. Learn how to eat again, learn how to truly sleep and not just wait, learn how to exist. They are slow battles that happen inevitably. You want to wallow and cry and stop moving, but the world won't let you. Time will pass you by, or at least it will feel like it. Everything will feel hollow and fake, but I can promise you from experience that it's not.

At first I saw you everywhere, even brought you with me intentionally because it felt safer than being alone. That's what you wanted isn't it? To rewrite my identity to involve you? I carried your voice, your message, your presence with me even despite not being with you. It weighed on me, making even the basic tasks seem impossible.

The more I tried to be okay, the harder it got. The more I tried to push forward, the further back I fell. Until I gave in. I let your image, your sound, your words, and your memories fill my daily life. I fantasized about the day you returned, playing your apology over and over in my mind. I held onto you like a lifeline because you were to me.

The harder I held onto you, the more I replayed your words, the less I needed you. I could wake up and eat again. Then one day, before I had even realized, I was eating and singing and dancing in my kitchen like I had before we ever met. I wasn't free of you, not by a long shot. True freedom never comes after how you treated me, but I could bear the burden on my shoulders again without feeling like I would collapse. Your world became ours and then it became mine until you are nothing but an after thought.

I won't lie and say you have no power over me. There are still things I'm learning, but at least I can hold my head high again. Now, that doesn't mean I don't still cry for you. I still listen to your songs, or watch the videos of your laughter. Your pictures still live in my phone, but just like any other vice, they grow more dust between each visit and that is where true survival lies.

[limerence-lockout]

Delusion

Schizo

Crazy

Delusional

These are all names you have referred to me as. I'm sure they felt true to you when I recorded our conversations to protect myself, or when I told you my worries and suspicions only to have them be swept under the rug. I fell victim to your words, playing the role exactly as you requested. I drove myself crazy searching for hidden meanings and pretending in order to avoid upsetting you.

I am crazy, but not in the way you described. I am passionate and caring and stubborn, all traits that you hate since they are so hard to dissuade. Yes, I have eyes in your world that report back to me. Not because I miss you oh so dearly, but to warn me of your harm. They keep me safe in the storm you created and anchor me to a present where you do not define my worth or value.

Yes, I am schizo. This is what a constant threat does to a psychological system. Having to constantly watch over my shoulder for your reactions and responses has a tendency to do that. I was not walking on eggshells with you, I walked on a bed on nails. No matter what step I took, I was punished. No matter how I performed, I was in pain.

Yes, I am delusional. I believed your words like they were the gospel from God himself. I lived in the fantasy that you wanted what was best for me, and that you truly cared. That will never fade. A piece of me will always cherish those thoughts, simply because you promised everything I had hoped for. A perfect future that a girl could dream about for days and never tire of. I was delusional, but the difference is that it was your delusion I followed.

[limerence-lockout]

Her

I hope your replacement for me does well. Not for you, but for herself. I pray she never has to wake and live in fear, that she never second guesses herself, that she will never feel your wrath. I wish her well, and I hope for her survival. Not because you will put hands on her, but because you will erode her until she is nothing but your shadow just like every girl before her. I hope her consciousness is strong enough to survive your storm and brave enough to run when the lights go out. I hope she may never know what it's like living with your voice in her head.

But she will.

Not because you are just that important, but because you are that infectious. People don't even know you have infiltrated their minds until it's too late. You have done it to me, slowly stripping away pieces of me layer by layer until I was too deep to be able to run. As for the girl before me, she may have had it worse. Years she spent with you, while i could only stand a few months. Maybe you're getting impatient, growing angry with having to start over with another.

I could hope that one day you wake up and regret your actions, but we know that will never happen. For regret to survive and grow, a person must have a heart and a moral compass. We both know that in place of yours is only drive and dedications to bettering your life at the expense of others.

These are not accusations, though they may sound like it. These are simply the truths i've lived through all while being called selfish and unholy. My truths may be biased, and skewed towards myself, but I know that i've never heard someone disagree when I've spoken my truths. For i lied to get people to like you when we were together, and now you lie for those to dislike me. What does that say about our compasses?

[limerence-lockout]

Unrecognizable

In the quiet of the night my heart aches. It begs to return to ignorance, relive the memory of you that had not been tarnished with the truth. I relive our memories, poring over them as gospel, but I can never ignore the woman in our pictures. The one i don't recognize, the one smiling for show, the one whose truth hasn't been shown. For I am that woman, tried and true, the one still holding onto you. I don't recognize myself in our memories nor our messages. Was it really me that stumbled through? I lived through your eyes, abided your law, and upheld your time. I don't recognize the woman in our pictures, for she is not true. She is an amalgamation of rules and requests provided by your lips, the same ones that kissed her tenderly before the knife twists.

I am that woman, sitting in those pictures, and I am that woman hanging on your every word. Ignorance has left me, and I see your actions now, but that doesn't mean the damage isn't there. The heart that longs for you, crafted out of the dance of control and survival, still bleeds for you. It stirs in my chest as the daylight fades, whispering your truths. I know this heart is not mine, yet it doesn't stop. It never rests in its search for you. It gets easier to tame as time goes on, but I long for the day where your word is not law.

[limerence-lockout]

Longing

I still crave your contact. The touch of your skin on mine, hearing you call my name so gently and lovingly. I check our messages, hoping for a text that will never come. You haven't moved on, you have erased me. Reverted to a time long before I existed to you, like we never happened. Was none of it real to you? All a game in order to better your own standing?

Do you look for me like I look for you? Think of me as I think of you? No, for you are selfish and untrue. Your mask is convincing, but your heart moves in silences, lurking and waiting for the next opportunity for it to gain the upper hand. It lives in walls you have erected around it, or perhaps they have always existed.

When will the limerence end? The hope and longing that things will change. That this was all a dream and I will wake once more with you beside me, grinning with love just as you used to. The duality is strange, and hard to navigate. The love and loss, the grief and relief. The fight for dominance in my head, begging me to pull you back and push you away again.

Is this how we end? After the fights and struggles, what do I have to show for the love I gave and the life I lost? What have I earned by this cruelty inflicted on me? The stories you've told about me, and how bitter you make me sound. The songs written in my image that twist the knife further in my heart. I can't bring myself to hate you, and that's the hardest part, for you are everything I had dreamed of on top of everything I had feared.

[limerence-lockout]

Holy in Name Only

Do you recognize how you've hurt me, or is that my fault too? Do you care how much you've damaged me, or will it fall on deaf ears?

Break down and rebuild just to break down and rebuild. The foundation is weak, but I guess that's the thrill for you. With shaky foundations you can slowly pull things apart, rebuilding them into whatever you want. You prey on the broken, traumatized, and lost. Your conduct and confidence makes women flock to you, giving you your pick of the litter. You always choose the same, you have a type after all. The broken, the discarded, the ones dying for love. The bleeding hearts that would do anything for the one they love.

You don't care about your flaws, no. You claim you walk with God. God shields you from your wrongs, but you never said you were said God. You play humble and self reflective, yet nothing you say is wrong. Funny how that works, but I guess I'll play along.

[limerence-lockout]

Voice

Your voice carries, just like it used to. Lingering in these empty halls like a whisper just out of reach. It haunts me, whispering the sweet nothings I craved to hear. I can feel the weight of its judgement, gazing with eyes it doesn't use.

"You're lazy."

"Attention whore"

"Play your role"

It follows everywhere I go, especially in the silence of the night as I replay the day. Your voice haunts me in a way it never used to.

Is this what abuse feels like now that I'm free to choose? Maybe if I listen this time, the song it sings will change. Maybe if I try harder, it will say praise. We know this song and dance, we know it's a stuck tune.

[limerence-lockout]

My story

In the silence I replay all of our conversations. The ones where we laughed until we couldn't breathe, ones where we talked about a future we were working towards, ones filled with love and hope. In the silence I speak, wondering what may have been, asking whatever is listening how this happened.

In the silence your words play on repeat, running through my mind like a song stuck on loop. I am torn, stuck between two paths and unsure which to take. You asked for faith, and I tried to abide. I trusted blindly, bending to your whim until I couldn't recognize the life I had lived. You asked for love, so I provided. Sacrificing everything I could to make sure you were adored just how you wanted and how you demanded. You asked for more, and I gave.

I hurt you, yes. I have done things that have caused you emotional harm, but in the silence now I recognize that it was not me that caused your pain. You asked for faith because you demand subservience under the guise of trust and you ask for love not to return it to me, but so you can slowly withdrawal while I am too preoccupied making you happy to ever notice the damage you inflict on me.

Your story

In the silence, I tell myself I did what was best for you. I replay our conversations too, but differently. I remember the moments where you disappointed me, where you failed to be what I needed, where I believe you gave up.

I asked for faith because I needed certainty. I needed to know you wouldn't leave again, wouldn't hurt me the way you did before. Trust is earned, and you broke it — so I took what reassurance I could. If that meant watching more closely, questioning more deeply, holding you tighter, then so be it. Love demands sacrifice, doesn't it? You said you were willing. So I'll tell you that you're quitting as if I wasn't the one that decided the end.

I asked for love, but love must be proven and earned. Words are cheap. Devotion isn't. I needed to know that I mattered more than your independence, more than your habits, more than the parts of you that didn't include me. When you changed for me, I felt strong. When you gave things up, I felt chosen. If you resented that, you should have said so — but I never said I would listen.

You say I withdrew, but you never cared about what you were doing wrong. You never apologized the way I wanted, or tried harder. You were lazy and pathetic, so I reminded you because you told me to hold you accountable. And I did, I just didn't tell you that I was holding you accountable for things that you didn't do, but you don't need to know that.

You say I controlled you. I say I was helping you grow. You say I demanded too much. I say you never gave enough. You say you lost yourself. I say you didn't know the right things in the first place.

In the silence now, I tell myself I was right and that you'll be back any day now. You always come back. I don't have to reach, I just have to wait. I know how you work. After all, I built you that way.