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@lindsaygrocks
Mop the Walls
This story is not for the faint of heart – fair warning.
So I switched some medication and it had the side affect of blocking me up. I didn’t ‘have a movement’ for like 6 days and I don’t know if y’all have ever experienced that but it does not feel good.
My brilliant brain drank an entire bottle of magnesium citrate to loosen up my bowels (a.k.a. the depths of hell).
Long story short there is…
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Karma is a bitch...
Karma is a bitch…
Karma is a bitch in the good way. Sometimes I guess.
So you know how sometimes you just get off the phone- FINALLY- after a super annoying phone call, so you just expect the rest of your day to be garbage. Garbage day after bullshit conversation.
Yet instead the world rewarded me and had my back. It was like “yo girl, did you just come off as bitchy? Don’t worry. Gotcha back” and I found a…
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Revenge Served Steamy
Oh my god, y’all. It has FINALLY happened. I had a blanket over my lap while I wrote and Frank crawled under the blanket. He does that all the time but this timing was perfect. I just unleashed the BIGGEST BEST FART and trapped him in there like a ten year old bully at summer camp. I’ve waited years for this moment.
*satisfaction*
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Boobs
I just had the realization that my friends are no longer getting boob jobs to enlarge them, now they are having boob jobs because of cancer.
I feel old.
And powerless. And scared.
I’ll just watch a fish tank for a few hours.
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Catnipping Nips
Ok.
This will be disturbing.
I sleep naked. Always. Unless I’m trying to be polite to intruders or guests or I am a guest or something.
Ever since they were kittens Lou Diamond and Cheese always slept with me.
And Cheese ALWAYS tried to chew on my nips. It’s just his thing and I thought at first maybe he thought I was mama cat or something.
So now he is 3 years old. And at 6am he just…
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Dream Big
Frank just woke up, looked around alertly and bolted excited to the kitchen. I heard banging on a cabinet that just has like pots and skillets in it.
“Frank! You can’t cook! You are a dog! Knock it off!”
Then he ran full speed back to the ottoman by my bed where he sleeps, curled up, and went back to sleep.
What kind of dream so you imagine had that made him do that? Haha.
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Put a Ring on It.
Holy crap, ya’ll. I got a ring stuck on one of my fingers like last week and I had resigned myself to the fact that I’d probably eventually just lose the digit. I just got the ring off. Pain is real but the freedom I feel right now is straight up magical.
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My Glass Slippers
I went to get a glass of water in the middle of the night. Naturally I dropped the glass and it shattered all about my bare feet on the bathroom floor. As it was the middle of the night I hadn’t bothered to flip the light on, I was relying on the night light.
Which is light blue and motion activated.
So I looked at my feet long enough trying to figure out how to walk out of the glass and…
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Seeing Pretty
“What are you looking at?”
“Oh, sorry. I guess I kind of spaced out.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I just saw something pretty so I stared at it.”
“In the sink?!”
“No. In my brain. Just a moment. You know. Memories or thoughts or both.”
…..”I love you”
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Most Common Sense
I threw an engagement party and was allergic to the flowers I had chosen for decorations. I went to the state fair and got bitten by a donkey. I went to an alligator rodeo and handled an iguana and got salmonella. I swung off a janky old rope swing and snapped my ankle. I gave someone the bird while closing a car door and ended up with my middle finger locked halfway into that car.
It is possible…
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Smokey Lonesome
Hey Jim,
I’ve been reading Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe. I know I read it in high school but it’s a little different this time.
Anyway I just read the chapter about Smokey Lonesome and how he loved Ruth, like a sister, unconditionally.
It gave me pause because I didnt realize his name was Smokey Jim Phillips Lonesome. That is oddly reflective.
So now I’m going to go to the gym…
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You know like when you are on vacation in Italy?
You know like when you are on vacation in Italy?
Sometimes things can disappoint us. That is just life. Then sometimes you date some bourgeois dude. And when you tell him about a disappointing day you had, he replies, “You know how like when you go to the Sistine Chapel and it isn’t as big as you thought?” …To which I reply “You know how sometimes you are homeless and you have to sleep in your car and it isn’t as big as you thought?” Then I…
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Bummer
Disappointement
You know like when you have high hopes for something and then it’s a total dud?
So my week has been fun. My garbage disposal is broken and my dishwasher floods the kitchen with garbage water through the broken sink.
My washing machine flooded the entire utility room and back hallway (someone– not me – installed the hose using zip ties and packing tape) across the only partially…
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Do You Realize
Today would have been Jim’s 50th birthday.
I did not expect to think about that today. I knew that. But I didn’t expect to like really contemplate it.
Yet here I am.
Remembering Jim.
I really do miss him. A lot. So for whatever it is worth, on this day, I have to acknowledge that one of my best friends isn’t here anymore and he would have told me to go to the movie AND taco night AND tv viewing…
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Trees I guess about 5 years ago this is what I was doing. What am I doing now? Fixing website stuff and just... ugh.
Animal Magnetism
So I got bit and stalked by a god damn enormous tortoise. Well…. nibbled.
It was like the size of a bucket upturned- it wasn’t a tiny little pet turtle. A garbage can sized tortoise.
There I was, cheering for this girl wrestling her first alligator out of the pond, and keeping an eye on the pile of gators edged up against the fence nose first, just waiting for an errant hand to cross over……
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Let me tell you about the frog
Let me tell you about the frog
So a man without a thumb (a Gatorfest story from a couple years back) was passing around a bottle of …rum?… and we were getting rowdy around the campfire.
And the guys were like let’s show this Brit how to catch a frog. Because there was this Brit there on her like first camping trip (she let everyone know like 4 separate times that she came from London) (but she didn’t live in London, she…
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