links.

Extremely destructive.#twentiethproblems #justhuman

[linkedforlife-blog]

Dear tumblr

I just came back from a really romantic trip. It was so great but I couldn't help to think about my life situations. By life situations I mean career problems. I'm a major hypocrite. I never thought this would happen to me. When I was studying and I looked at people around me who weren't able to secure a job, I thought how could anybody be so bad at this and not be focused enough to find a job. Here I am. I want a job but can't get anymore. Real life is harsh and I guess I'm just terrible at this. Somehow even with a recommendation I can't even get it. During the entire trip I couldn't help but to think about how I was so bad that I couldn't even get an interview. I want this job. I know it would help me in the future... but somehow I can't do anything. I'm trying so hard not to let my partner know about my despair and discouragement. I really just wanna lay in bed and cry. I feel like a failure and nobody understands that... I'm hopeless. I feel like even God has no power over this. They say God has a plan for everybody but I really feel like he forgot to figure out mine or doesn't even know what to do with my life. Don't get me wrong. I'm incredibly blessed. God's greatest gift to me were my loved ones -- my parents, my brother, my boyfriend and my dog. I am so thankful for them. To see them everyday is my greatest blessing. I guess I'm supposed to focus on the positives and ignore the negatives ? Idk. Sigh

[linkedforlife-blog]

tumble.

my future just fell. I fell. I guess I fell off my high horse. I was too cocky I suppose. I dont know. What I dont know is what am I going to do now? I’m going to make a phone call tomorrow and things could unfold poorly and I’d be ruined. I dont understand it. I just dont. I finished everything in time. Even early. But this is what happens. I dont know... I love education... but how come this happened. I just wanted to learn. I want to enroll in this and they tell me it’s impossible. What did i do? Why do i deserve this.

Thing’s aren’t going well in my life... I thought I came close to a job and my family doesn’t want me to do it. At this point I need something to keep my mind off of things, to be honest. It’s such an important opportunity. But above all, I care about my future the most. Nobody knows how much this means to me. My heart was shattered when I read that my math 12 was been expired. They don’t even know how hard I had to work to finish everything. My self-esteem shattered too. I feel like a disappointment, a feel so unsuccessful, so useless. Why. WHY COULDN’T THINGS BE RIGHT FOR ME IN THIS AREA. I need this. I need this so badly. I WANT THIS SO BADLY. 

all i can do now is cry. I’m too broken. 

[linkedforlife-blog]

early life crisis.

I’m really not sure if this is depression I am experiencing. I mean, I know i am depressed but do I have the mental health condition? I don’t know anymore. It’s ironic because I study this medical stuff. 

I’m graduating tomorrow. Tomorrow I cross the stage and then I’m done my undergraduate. Where does this leave me ...? I don’t know. I feel so unsuccessful ... a failure ... a disappointment... All my classmates are off to do wonderful things. Off to enter grad school, writing some sorta exam. I applied for something but didn’t even get in. Once again, I’ve gotten to full on myself... i am ashamed. My heart sinks and I feel more of a failure when my friend is on some “meet the grads” page. I mean how did they choose it? am I so much of a failure that I didn’t deserve to be on there at all? Why is that fair? No. I am so proud of her. I’m trying my best to be supportive. But who’s being supportive of me...? How’s going to help me...?

Things have not been going well for me lately. I thought I had secured a summer job but that falls through ... even though it wasn’t supposed to. I guess nothing is supposed to happen, but I thought I’d be chosen. I tried to pick up myself after that but I’m once again disappointed. Or, I am the disappointment. I’ve applied to many jobs after that but none of them have replied... am I not good enough? I mean, clearly I’m not. I’m trying my hardest, but God must have been busy. I just wish, somebody would give me a chance. I just wish I could find a health-related job. 

I try to think positive, but I just get swallowed by my dark feelings. The worst part is, I want to help myself but there’s not even something I can about it. I try to keep myself busy and to better myself but I still feel lost, hopeless, useless and unworthy. Please God, hear my prayers and hear me. I don’t know what I can do. Show me what I should do. Lead me. 

[linkedforlife-blog]

ugh.

i seriously wonder when they’ll break up. It drives me insane. 

my brother has been dating this girl who our family doesnt like. I dont see why he likes her and of course im not him. 

It’s so stupid. He’s such a hypocrite. He’s the one who went to far extent to break me up with this guy. Yet he has a guts and the shame to tell me that I SHOULD’VE STOOD MY GROUND. what the fuck. 

Even when my entire family says he should break up with her cause shes disrespectful and rude & is just leeching off my brother he still continues.

I’ve never hated a person but i do hate her. She’s ruining my family and she’s a huge bitch just like her friends. Can she like gold dig somewhere else? we aint even rich. 

i cant even. He’s so blind. I have no respect for him anymore. It’s hard to even call him my brother. I dont even wanna talk to him sometimes. He continues to lie to us and thinks it’s completely our fault. It’s funny how he doesnt consider what i’ve felt. 

he’s absolutely selfish and immature. He’s really not even worth my anger except he’s hurting my mother too much. 

Sometimes i wish my  mom would just go full out on him like she did with me. This isnt’ even fair. If u want something to happen you need to put things into your hands and deal with it. 

There are so many times when i’ve dreamt of arguing with him and his bitchy ass girlfriend yelling at each other and my heart is racing. I just hate her so much. I hate them. 

Please can they just break up already. seriously. So fucking annoying. I wanna punch him in the face & yell at him every time i hear that he’s on the fucking phone. 

please god just have them break up already. 

[linkedforlife-blog]

Not today, just this time I wanted to have his complete attention.

[love-personal]

[linkedforlife-blog]

update:

been happy.

I feel bad that I dont take time each day, like the last couple, to think of how blessed i am. 

I am blessed. Thank you God. 

I essentially have more than what most people have. I may not live the most luxurious life of getting dressed in finest silk, holding a Chanel handbag or driving a Lamborghini, but I am blessed. Frankly, neither do I need all of that.

People say it’s “first world problems” when our problems consist of figuring out a gift for somebody who already has all their essentials and many more. I am guilty, I am one of them. 

I have all I need, yet human nature, being the thirst more, creates a list of things I “want”. I try to be very clear with myself. Do I need it or do I want it. 

Anyways, sorry for the tangent. 

I just want to Thank God for all my blessings.

I thank him for granting me a loving family spoils me everyday with not only love but also striving to fulfill my wishes and wants. 

I thank him for the education I have the right of. I reckon that many children do not have the same luxury and I hope to make their lives a little better with my education. 

I thank him for friends I have. Although sometimes it’s hard to see actually is a true friend, I thank him for letting them be a part of my life. Good or bad, they have taught me something and I do not want to change a thing. They’re there when I need someone to laugh with, to cry with, to rant with and to do crazy things with. Ultimately, they’re being themselves and we’re so young. We all make mistakes.

I thank him for the healthy body I have. Despite, my constant ranting of being “fat”. I know. I’m not fat. There is just not a better word in the modern day society. I am not blaming it on society, it’s just that there is no positive word. Skinny, Fat. Such extremes. Both negative. Yet there’s no grey area. The only grey area is “average” or “fine”. But lets be honest. Nobody wants to be “average”.  Everybody wants to be good or the best. So eventually you’ll find that there is no positive word that truly compliments one’s body or beauty. Ironically when you do find such word, nobody believes it. 

I, for one, am guilty. 

Took another tangent there. Whoops. I thank God for my health. I am able to walk, run, swim, see, feel, smell and hear because of him. These 5 senses I am gifted with help me see the world slightly differently each day and I thank him for that. Whether it may be the nasty sewage smell, the beautiful blue sky, the sound of crying, the crunch of autumn leaves or the sore muscles pains I feel after a good work out. I thank him. I am able to the world, both good and bad, because of him. 

I thank him for my new significant other. He’s my best friend. My soul mate. The one that I can tell loves me more than anything. He’s been there from the start. Been there through good and bad and still here. He chose me, when things got tough or between me and other girls. I can’t say I treated him well in all the years I’ve known him, but he stayed with me. I thank not only God, but also him. I can truly imagine a life with him, as crazy as it sounds. I really hope we’ll make it til the end. 

[linkedforlife-blog]

3 years late?

For many years now, I have been deleting and recreating new blogs to share my thoughts. Every single time somebody has found my blog and I can no longer speak freely, I deleted it and started something else again. 

Over these years, i have continuously blogged about one person. Good or bad. It’s been 6 years since I have met him, 5 since I’ve gotten over this crush, 3 since i’ve rejected him. It’s been crazy. I mean until canada day, we were still fighting. 

I was always reluctant to being in a relationship with him or i guess anyone else because I was so afraid of getting hurt and hurting people. But here we are. July of 2015, some how timing seemed right this time. We became a couple. 

Sometimes I’d think, man I could’ve had this years ago. But to think of it, I don’t think I would want to change a single thing. We’ve grown so much intellectually over these years that I’m confident that we would last long now. Those downfalls that we’ve had only taught us how to figure things out today or in the future.

It scares me how confident I am of us, when our friends and family have no idea yet. We really don’t know what to tell them. Especially with Chris, Michael and Sandy. What will people think? 

A part of me wants to be like: WHATEVER. people can say what they want, but at the end of the day we both know that we want to keep those friendships. When would be a good time to tell everybody? Tbh sometimes it sucks having to find discrete places to hang out. I’m constantly living in paranoia, being afraid that somebody will see us. I mean we did run into somebody, but thank god they didn’t see us. Or we hope so?? <-- paranoia.

With my family, I’m hopeful that they will like him. I mean it’s hard to guess because last time I introduced my boyfriend to them, they were not impressed. However, I’m  generally excited. 

I’m excited to see what happens to us in the future, and I’m so hopeful that this will last and eventually everybody will be happy for you. 

[linkedforlife-blog]

i dont trust myself.

less than a month ago, i could say that i did not want a relationship, without a doubt. In front of 3 amazing guys, i said that loud and proud. They’re all my close friends and I could never choose. 

Little did i know, I ended up seeing one of them. The one, i knew the longest, well the one who actually knew me best.

But what do i say to everybody else who asks me... 

I mean i haven’t changed completely, im still skeptical of relationship...but I’m seeing someone. So what do i say to other people? 

will they think i lied? D: 

where will this bring us? who will i hurt this time?

I promised myself that summer is never a good time to start anything... mainly because i didn’t trust myself. i mean it’s summer. everybody gets bored during summer. what if this is one of them. i just dont trust myself.

im scared i’ll be there to ruin it.

[linkedforlife-blog]

involved.

Where do you cut the line for involved?

what is the end of the line? involved is such a broad word. 

Like, dislike, love hate.

such broad powerful words.

why must I pick one. Why can everybody go on without me?  

I dont understand how this all works. I thought i was a simple person yet I am the cause of all complications. How does this all work? 

decisions. What my mind wants. What my heart wants. Im not even sure anymore. 

i dont understand why i have to pick when I’ve clearly stated that I didn’t want a relationship.

So technically Im supposed to pick so other people can move on? Why cant you move on without my decision then? Why do I have to be the bad guy?

Somehow I didn’t choose to become the protagonist yet I was elected to be it anyways. The entire group of people knows ... what to do. ha. ha. ha. ha. 

yes. That actually is the question I’m supposed to be answering now: what to do. Everybody wants an answer. Everybody. Including me. 

But like has anybody stop for a moment to think for me? they say they like me? They want an answer? An answer I can’t provide. Yet I’m still supposed to go off to figure something out. 

But do you know how much it hurts, knowing you will hurt your friends. Every friend has the same value in my heart, it will hurt just as much. I believe in friendships more than relationships and now I’m supposed to break of bonds. okay. 

well i’d much rather they teach me what to do. What am i supposed to do...

i dont want a relationship right now... why do i have to pick. 

i feel so lost. Idk where i stand. I just want to walk away now. 

[linkedforlife-blog]

i came in like a wrecking ball. 

[linkedforlife-blog]

out of control

What has happened?

i was too drunk to be able to piece things together. 

What am I doing? 

What am I supposed to do? 

I simply cannot understand any of these question. 

I’m hurt though, but it’s nothing compared to what they are feeling. 

I was at a party recently and clearly I shouldn’t have drank. 

i dont know where to begin... All the sudden I was bombarded with questions that I did not know how to answer and i felt so pressured. Who do you like more? Pick one. You have to pick ONE. 

I dont want a relationship though. I have so much on my plate.. i dont want to hurt anybody. i dont want to hurt somebody because of not knowing what I want. I guess thats what i am doing right now too. 

It took me a long time to realize that I didn’t want a relationship and I thought I was finally growing up and getting to know myself better, but here i am again. 

I almost feels like grade 12 again but with MORE people involved this time. 

I cant decide. i dont know what i want. Well i know i dont want a relationship. Yet nobody really seems to care about that. 

I wanted to be friends... is there actually no pure friendship between a male and a female? 

I made this complicated. I guess it’s my fault, I wish i was away on a coop or exchange right now.

Perhaps summer is too long for everybody and people just want to do something with it, but I love peaceful trips so why cant I have that.

If im forced to choose, my ultimate decision would be to leave. My fourth road: abandon all the roads. I can do that. I can. 

I hate being force. 

I guess what hurts me the most was, I thought we were friends. I thought that if i gave people my honesty I would receive 100% loyalty back, but i guess we’re all just human. Just human meaning, it’s still everybody for themselves. 

Ultimately I got really drunk to run away from questions, because you’re supposed to drink your problems away. I got really buzzed and lied on a couch but some how attracted so many people and got so many people upset. I escaped to my car and yet somehow they started to take care of me. 

Leave me. i pushed people out of my care and i just wanted to be home with my brother. I remember whispering his name. He’s my rock and my protector. I didn’t want any of this. I just wanted to be safe and away from people. In the end i knew that only my brother would shield me from everything. I guess i was really upset. 

Somehow I ended up being taken care of by the guys. That’s not what I wanted. i wanted to be left alone. 

Now, I plan to be left alone. I will stay out of sight for a couple days. 

I need the peace. I need the quiet. I need to be alone. 

Free of people. Free of problems. 

I wanted the free spirit life. 

I dont even know why they like me. Have they met me? I’m so selfish. Why would you like me? 

I am destructive. If you were smart, you would stay away from me.

[linkedforlife-blog]

What was I doing at that age?

During my reading break I was fortunate enough to go to Guatemala for a week. I visited a village that was literally off the grid, as you cannot even find it on Google maps. It’s bene a couple months since i have returned but I was able to contact some of children from the village. Of course that was restricted to the ones fortunate enough to own a computer. 

I enjoyed every conversation we had although we had a language barrier, but that never seemed to get in our way. I mean after all, google translate is my best friend. 

The children in Las Arrugas were all in different ages and attended different grades. With grade 6 being the end of the primary school, there could be students of assorted age depending on when they were able to begin school. The village had one school therefore the primary children would attend in the morning and the secondary school students would go to school in the afternoon. Usually, families would not be able to afford for that and therefore the children would end up looking for jobs after primary school in order to support their family.

I was speaking to one of the children online and I told him how much I had missed them and everything in the village. I continued on saying that I wish to return to visit. He tells me to return with in the 1 year or so. I asked why. He told me that he will be leaving Las Arrugas once he finishes primary school. I asked if he was going to the city to look for job. He told me yes because his family doesn’t have enough money. I asked him how old he was and he told me he was 13.

13. Such a small number. Still a teen. I thought of what I was doing when I was 13. Just a grade 9, entering a new high school. The only thing I had to do was focus on school, everything else was taken care of for me. I never knew how to cook, wash my clothes, do work at that age. I was playing and watching television all day. The children of Las Arrugas have so much on their shoulders.

So much on their shoulders that I did not have to deal with nor would I know how to deal with if I had been in their shoes. At that moment, I couldn’t help but to feel sorry for them. I had accomplished so little and yet they have so much potential. 

What can I do to make their lives better? What can I to give the younger children a chance to study and be as carefree as I was ?

Everybody in the village uses spare money to buy sweets. The sweets are perhaps what keeps their lives going and shows them that there is sweetness in their lives. The majority of them have cavities which is why I wish to help with that. 

[linkedforlife-blog]

[linkedforlife-blog]

Reliving monents

It’s like having a flashback of those depressing grade 12 moments. It’s harder and easier this time in different ways though. Harder because I no longer have those friends to support me through it and easier because I’m not in a race but rather in my own home, therefore I am able to express my emotions freely.

Are you familiar with the feeling of being left behind and betrayal. It’s almost as if nobody really sees you on this planet. You question yourself, is this real? Am I real? Is this a dream? A nightmare? Will I awake in my own bed soon? These are my crappy grade 12 memories. A race. A broken up couple. An overly flirty classmate. Put one to one together. These things don’t happen once. They happen at the greatest moments of your life … Ie. Grad.

Each time I tell myself to have the time of my life and every single time I feel like I’m on my feet I fall twice as hard as I did the time before.

I guess that’s why it hurts extra much this time. I know time fixes everything. Don’t think about it (yeah like it’s that easy). If you are familiar with the phrase “turn it off” from the vampire diaries, that is what I want to do now. Sometimes I wish I could live like that. Don’t care. Be spontaneous. Be rebellious. Just turn it off.

This time I’m left on my on. Can’t tell anybody.

I’ve been repeating to myself “ this summer will be all about me. Do what makes you happy. ”

I don’t think I have the courage to do that though. At this point the only words that make sense to me are the wise words of Sia's. At least then, for a brief while I can "turn it off".

- g

[linkedforlife-blog]

Promises. I guess they're meant to be broken.

[bleechgothbaby]

[linkedforlife-blog]

Accuracy:100%