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@lionsatlantis
I am not good at consistency. Which seems to be why everything feels like a rollercoaster most of the time.
The funniest part? When I wan younger, less wise, consistency didn’t seem to be as much of an issue.
Maybe I’m a Phoenix. This is my slow path to death because my soul is waiting to catch fire and be reborn when I’m ready to shed my perception of this existence. Guess we will see.
Not that I have many people that were here to read anyways. But I’ve been absent as the inspiration of my heart was quailed by deep depression and heartache. But I felt inspired so here we are to just get some feelings out.
I forgot what falling feels like. One day I am safe and secure on the ground looking at life through lenses that only show me my lonely existence. One I have accepted and move forward with. Of course I look at others who have someone to go home to and wish, but for me that someone is my daughter and I won’t stay in this despair because we have a life to live.
Queue his entrance back into my life.
The first time he showed up I was not ready. Not open to anyone that needed patience and my true self. In my mine my patience needed to be earned and I’m you didn’t get the full me until I trusted you. Which lead to this solitary path, but it was safer than what I had come from. That fear, heartbreak and desperation that came from ignoring the warning signs and ignoring my gut from the beginning. So we lost touch.
Now, I comment on something he posts. It was simple enough comment just saying he was cute. Next thing I know I have another message from him. It’s slow going at first but I remember he was this sweet the first time around. It was the lack of response on his side that made me push it away. This time I was patient because something told me it would be worth it. Instead I ignored my anxiety and justifications and just lead with my heart and my true self. Knowing I might get attached and hurt but I’ve recently learned that I’d rather get hurt trusting myself and being me than not. If someone hurts you when you’re authentic that’s on them because you can’t control or manipulate how people act. All you can do is create an environment that inspires them to act from their heart. In doing that I see he slowly opens, but like a clam he clamps shuch easily. Quickly. But I keep on my path and trust my instincts. Now I am falling for someone faster than I want to. The circumstances aren’t normal and the situation would be cause for eye rolling and judgement but I can’t say it feels wrong.
This feeling inspires me to be kind and patient. These moments inspire me to trust that my heart knows best. I see his inspiration to open up his heart to feel the same things. Falling has never been this way before. Usually I dump my sad history on their lap and they feel bad and want to fix me and save me. This time that’s not as important because I know my history was my intended path and I know the role I played in things. I am here to be me now and show this man that if he’s ready for it I can provide love and partnership and walk next to him in this experience.
There are not accidents.
You
Being who I am and looking back through old instagram pictures because I'd rather do that then be productive and go ice my knee as I should I realize one thing. You were not worth it. Not worth the tears. Not worth the fight. Not worth the lost sleep and sadness. Not to me anyways. To someone, yes you were worth it. Worth the tears. Worth the wasted years. Worth the pain in their chest every time they saw you with me. Hindsight is always 20/20. The only question I have left is why didn't you have the courtesy to walk away when you knew this. We could have been happier sooner. Free longer. Maybe even remained friends knowing things weren't right. The only thing I regret is not walking away when I should have. So I guess I'm as much to blame as you.
All I can think about when you cross my mind is…
I fucking hate you.
Working on that fitness. I'm pooped! I've been way more motivated with pushing forward with life. I'm done with the past and I wish I could have been done with it a long time ago.
Catching up
I’ve been absent for a while. Life ripped me up and left me to pick up my battered pieces yet again. But, as I always somehow manage to, I prevailed and I am on the rise. Or so I tell myself. Of course it started with the end of Evan and I. He left me saying it was a variety of reasons, which I’m sure some of them may have been true, but I will never be convinced it wasn’t because of another woman. I guess the fact that he was married three to four weeks afterwards does not help that. It has been a long and winding road full of hazards to get back to normal. With our break there was the hope of things working out so there was a lot more bravery putting myself out into the world. This was just the cold end of a broken relationship and a lot of questions left to ask. All I am left with is a scarred heart and some bitter anger. Luckily the anger is only saved for those who are deserving of it, I’m not that bitter yet.
Some of the bite may have been taken when I met someone new though. There no saying what will happen with him since we have only had a few dates, although the time we spend together seems to grow with each date. He’s extremely sweet, kind, funny, and very cute. I’m taking it all in with cation to not let myself get swept away in all of it. But I can’t lie, he is on my mind more often. I feel like any of the pressure to come off as impressive is gone, he’s impressed by just me being me. I guess we will see if this venture actually turns out. So far it’s been better than them last two. One failed attempt never even got off the ground and the biker who doesn’t seem to know how to communicate. Not that I helped either of those situations. So this is good.
In other news I’m FINALLY moving into another house with my friend, I got my septum pierced and I love it, and I’m getting a second full time job! Hooray!
Spring beauties
Let me walk in the rain That way I can be washed clean and maybe start new When these days I'm stained with you, all I can hope for is to be washed clean Washed clean of the broken heart that's trying to hang on by a thread I'm ready to be alone but it's missing you I can't stand I'm ready to let the tears fall and feel it all
How do I tell you that I'm not ok.
I told someone today that in Africa, families had reported their dead rising and walking away during wakes. I made a joke that zombies are a thing now and we better be ready.
They took me completely seriously. I almost exploded from laughing. The closest our planet has gotten to zombies is the guy in Ft. Lauderdale trying to eat the homeless man because he's on drugs and cannibals. Being a third world country there may have been a death pronounced too early. You never know.. Silly.
Now if zombies really do happen... You can smack me.
Wine, hot bath, and Louie Armstrong to calm my day down. Nice shot of my tattoos too ❤️
These are absolutely beautiful
Fear
Look at the easier option of the two and settling. But doing the opposite of what my mind tells me too and leaping before I talk myself out of it. That's what my fear does to me.
Here I go again
Apparently a year is too long to go without yet another life change.. This time it's a move back to Salt Lake City from what it looks like. This time Evan will be joining me and we will be rebuilding everything from the ground up. That means paying off debt and saving butt loads of money to go traveling together. But leaving Hawaii is breaking my heart. But my job hasn't improved even though I have tried to. I may not be being as smart with money as I could be... But I'm slowly gaining more debt and not able to pay it off fast enough. My house is a constant battle of ants, cockroaches, and stray cats. Not to mention since it's been purchased we could get fucked out of a place to live. Disregarding all of the bad... The ocean is the most difficult thing to leave. I feel like my soul hides in it's depths and I'm abandoning it... Almost how in the Amber Spyglass (if you've read the boom) when Lyra has to leave Pan on the shore to enter the land of the dead. Maybe that's a bit dramatic... But it's not even close to easy.
Because I don't know how to just burn a little bit...
Lately I've been going through a large variety of emotions. They've been difficult emotions from many different areas of my life. Most of them make it hard for me to stay optimistic and keep my chin up. I've been trying to so so hard to make my life here in Hawaii work and I wouldn't change many things for the world. But I can tell that I'm unsatisfied by a lot of things. I'm 23 and I feel more often then not like I'm drowning. That sounds dramatic but the thought fuck... I'm drowning... goes through my mind at least once a day.
First, my job. I deal with it every day. I feel like I was too ambitious or maybe I just lost my drive that I had when I got here. I'm not sure but I go back and fourth from wanting it to wanting something else. I just feel so lost lately with my career. I want to step up and really put forth an effort in this job but I'm scared to because it seems like I never do anything right. But maybe I just need to stand up for myself and if it doesn't work out find something else. Find time to really go for the things I would want to do with my life. Lost.
Second... Evan and I. I keep going through these moments where I get really scared that he's drifting away lately and I don't know what caused it. I'm not sure if there's actually signs or if I'm just doing what I do. I know there's something going on.. And it's hard to not jump to conclusions. Sometimes I feel that momentum that we had again. It seems like it's just this passed month maybe that it's been worse. But then again I guess when I was in Salt Lake I was worried about things too. I guess since I've been feeling defeated in everything else it's hard to not expect to be defeated here too.
I guess what this all really comes down to is I feel like I am just failing miserably. I have to buy my groceries on credit and try to slowly pay that down. Right now I literally have olive oil, instant oat meal, honey, coffee, siracha, and one yogurt. I'm lonely most of the time because I've stopped trying to find comfort in other men. Not because I feel it would be breaking loyalty to Evan. But because I know that Evan is who I love and nothing else compares. I'm always disappointed. Not that I don't flirt but I realize that most people that are flirty are looking for something and I'm really not. I have a hard time talking to my mom because I don't want to admit to her that things aren't going well here right now. That I'm broke because it's expensive, and I don't really have any food. That I'm still terrified with putting my heart so fully into Evan's hands and knowing how vulnerable I am. That when she offers for me to come home it tugs at my heart strings. I don't want to give up though. Could I handle being that much of a failure? But I feel like she can see right through my optimism and all the big plans I talk about all the time.
So. I feel like I'm failing. I feel lost. All I want is Evan back with me. Because even when things were shitty and I felt like this I at least was able to fall asleep with his arms around me and I felt safe.
Rio was in my dreams last night. I had all these stray dogs in my house and it was packed and getting destroyed. My mom and best friend was there... and someone else I can't really place. But I had hundreds of dog leashes I was trying to hold onto and they were supposed to be helping me. I was supposed to help these dogs find their owners. But once we got outside hell broke loose and I was running around like a crazy person trying to pull everything together. Then all the sudden I looked around and realized Rio was missing. I couldn't see her anywhere in the sea of dogs and I panicked. I was so worried about all these animals that weren't even mine that I lost Rio, one of the most important things to me. At that moment I just let go of all the leashes that I had in my hand and called out her name as I dropped helpless to the ground. Within seconds she was by my side just sitting there looking like "you really think I would just disappear... I just went to look around" Then I realized that we had actually had more of my family dogs with us that were missing now. I started to search and as I searched I found that most of the other dogs had found their homes without me. So I had lost these animals that were important to me to help ones that weren't when they could help themselves.
I know this sounds really... stupid. But unless you understand the connection that I had with my dog Rio it's hard to get why this was important. When Rio was passing my mom would called when she was fading and looked like she was about to go and put me on speaker phone. When she would hear my voice she would start to move around more, try to get up, drink water. She didn't want to leave without me there. I felt like she represented something that I can't put my finger on in my dream. It could be so many things. Maybe that I just need to keep fighting every time I feel like things are going downhill.
Well... Something. I feel really silly that I'm writing about a dream with dogs in it like it's some big revelation that I need to have. Ha ha desperation makes strange things happen.
He stopped texting me back. All I can think is... Did he go home with someone. And I hope that's not the case. Even if I have no jurisdiction in that area.
