All my life, I was raised in a baptist family and sent to Christian private schools, and was fully immersed in the lifestyle.
Then, because of grades, I ended up going to boarding school my freshman year of high school. There, I was able to open my eyes to a wider perspective of things. All the new information caused me to adopt an agnostic point of view, and I was fairly certain I was bisexual. At the time, I also thought I was trans, but that has changed.
Anyway, I was pulled out of the school with no explanation. My parents told me that I would be going to another private Christian school for the remaining years of high school. I had gotten great grades at boarding school, so this surprised me.
Later, after the many following months of being pulled back into what now seemed like a confining life–the only talk was either religious or discriminatory, and I sure as hell wasn't going to say anything. This broke me. It all built up and I eventually attempted suicide.
I was taken to a hospital where I eventually was forced to tell them everything in order to get out. The nurses there told me that my parents just needed time to come to terms, and that it would all work itself out eventually.
The next week, my parents sent me to a Christian-based rehab. I spent the next three months there, learning about how I need to see how my perversions are affecting my life and stuff. There, I met meth-heads, pedophiles, and everything in between.
I found out that my father had been reading my journals that I logged every day in my notes (on my iPhone—I guess he connected to my iCloud or something), so my trust in him was demolished. That was apparently the reason for pulling me out of boarding school.
I eventually just told them that I was straight and that I would work on my relationship with God—I had a feeling that I would be held longer if I didn't comply.
Despite it being absolutely unbearable, I think rehab really polished me. Under the pressure, I came to realize what was true about myself. My ideals were made far more solid than before. My feelings now are that one can't predict how they will change. Change is inevitable.
I have learned that accepting that you are always changing morally, physically, and ethically is paramount in your stability. I assumed otherwise, tried to convince myself otherwise, and ended up destroying my mental balance. Now I am always open to criticism, but not in a way where I allow ignorance or hatred to mold my ideals. I take all points of view into consideration, and never shut out another person's beliefs or morals. Doing this has led me to greater understanding of myself, the world, and everything in between.
Anyway, when I got out of rehab, I was stripped of most luxuries. I was given a flip phone that can only call and text, and no personal computer. In addition, all but one of my friends were allowed to talk to me. I was to attend church with my family like usual, and any violation or protest against these rules would result in punishment. I have always been a very peaceful person, so I didn't think this would be too hard.
Time slipped away in which I spent my time at my new job, at school, and reading—lots of reading. It was my new escape. At home and at school.
There was only one other atheist at my new school, but he was constantly bullied it seemed, so I dare not tell anyone about myself. Because of this risk of openness, I didn't make any real friends. I mean, I can put on a façade in order to seem amiable, but nothing lasting. At home, my dad would punish me because I don't have any friends, and am always reading.
My first year at the school, there was one openly gay girl. She was the sister of one boy that I low key had a crush on. Anyway, she was super outgoing, and seeing her be herself despite everything brought me hope. The following year, they left the school. Apparently the teachers constantly tried to get her in trouble. They followed her around all of the time trying to find some reason to accuse her.
Here I am now, a junior, and nothing much has changed. I managed to slowly withdrawal small amounts of cash over time undetected, until I had enough to buy an iPod touch (which I am now using), and that is about as much freedom as I have been able to reclaim.
I have nothing against Christians, only my parents' form of it. My sister has been looped in, and it seems like whenever I am around the entire family, they are trying to evangelize me. I try and stay respectful, and just nod and agree with what they say. Reacting is only going to make my appearance worse.
This past week, I was able to get ahold of that one girl who left. Talking to her provided me with a little bit of solace, but it hasn't really bridged that gap still present. The person who gave me her information is still at the school, and knows I am bisexual. She alluded to there being other sexually-diverse people at the school, so I can only hope to find more.
As for my gender, I don't feel it necessary to decide on one. In fact, I almost find genders to be counterproductive in the fight for stereotype abolishment. However, I understand the necessity of having them at this time—it helps people wrap their heads around things easier. Hopefully this can eventually form itself into a genderless society, but I doubt that will be a reality for a long time, if ever.
what does it mean to be in the closet? is a project collecting anonymous submissions from queer perspectives that, for whatever reason, are restricted from directly identifying themselves in their stories. submit here / learn more here
