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Walls papered (identical to a room in my house), roof on! Curtains made from the excess roof material, using white material overlapped.

#contemporary art #art degree #showtime

Filming in my degree show space

#anxiety #trace #art degree

Degree show plan has changed, my space is now even better, because it's now even closer to my initial drawing request! I need to make 2 curtains from the white fabric and the remainder will be used for the ceiling. I will be painting the corridor white. I've worked out I need 3 rolls of wallpaper, however I will order 4 just in case of mistakes.

My degree show plan. I want a corridor leading to a TV and headphones, playing a video of me dressed in a white morphe-suit, inside a uv lit room, (recreated using the same wallpaper that's in my house) touching my fat rolls, fidgeting anxiously and touching my face. My unseen anxiety can now be visualised using luminous paint. I'm extremely uncomfortable watching and noticing myself. Being conscious of my actions is changing the trace of my future.

My photographers white muslin has arrived - all 6 x 3 meters worth! I'm going to use this to cover the ceiling and make the two curtains.

Dad humming

Trying to record my dad humming, over the last couple of weeks, without him making other noises, like jingling his Keys in his pocket, or randomly singing, has been impossible! I'm soooooo tempted to tell him what I'm doing but I. Know that will be worse, as it'll be fake and he will really over egg it! Looks like I'm going to have to try a different tactic as I need a clean sound.

My ideas for the end of year show!

1) Empty room with my dads anxious humming playing. My dad hums all the time and half the time I don't notice now. He hums like I fidget.

2) Me sitting in a chair with my white morph suit on, touching my face, examining my fat rolls. Using the luminous paint to see where I leave a trace on myself.

3) Ideas 1 plus 2 (above) put together.

4) LIke Tony Oursler, I like the idea of projecting my face onto a mirror, like Sleeping Beauty, "mirror mirror on the wall, who is the worst Supermum of them all? Could have a sensor to trigger when someone stands in front of the mirror.

5) Read my poem 'Tense' and play this audio in a room, with photos on the wall of me in the blue mum suit on.

Tense

The doubts in my head distract me,

Unable to focus on anything,

Unable to breathe freely,

I keep telling myself to breathe normally,

Trying to stop my anxious brain,

I fiddle with my hair and face,

I fidget, I bite my nails,

I'm tense, I grind my teeth and my shoulders are tight.

I can't sleep, I need to relax,

I have a busy day tomorrow but I can't unwind.

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7hyLHkOHMQ)

#anxiety #Trace #contemporary art

The trace of anti-Supermum!

Anxiety Trace - Inside Out!

When I'm anxious, I eat unhealthy stuff like 'chocolate and wine' - heeeeyyyy don't judge me!

When my ex left me alone with a baby and a toddler, he told me it was because I didn't iron his clothes and that I'd burnt the sausages 😂 So I burnt 3 packs of sausages and stuffed them in my suit, and I have to say, it was very therapeutic. I had also cut up some of his clothes in revenge, that helped too! Some people might say that revenge is not the answer, well i say ask me a different question! 💩🎉

I killed off Supermum in September, not through choice, but because I had no choice! Several things have gone wrong with my girls and I can no longer even joke that I am a Supermum, so the bright colours have been drained, there's no fancy songs -taking the piss out of myself, with my head so stuffed full of fuzzy worries, I can't think straight! I am still laughing though, just try and stop me and I’ll cry!

Let it glow, let it glow!

Leaving a Trace

So I proved that online dating is faceless and that it's up to me to decide, if I let these men leave a trace on me, right? What if it doesn't matter? What really matters is what I do, where I leave my trace.

I keep getting told to stop touching my hair, face and to stop fidgeting by my daughters. I also noticed that in my videos, I do certain nervous things like lick my lips constantly without realising, how could I not know this about myself!

Now I do know, I can't help but notice I'm doing it all the time and it makes me cringe, so I even looked it up online, diagnosing myself with traits of high level anxiety 😰

Sidetracking for minute, I started to remember when I was young, both my brother and myself use to write to each other using invisible ink. How I wish I had kept some of those funny notes that we sent to one another, posting them under each other's doors. We knew that we could say whatever we wanted in them, as they were invisible and my mum would never be able to read it!

So, I started thinking about the concept of leaving an invisible trace on myself and what would happen if I could notice, or see that I was touching my face and hair. Inspired by Sophie Calle and her investigative resourcefulness, by using her scientific methods, I wanted to experiment. I was also advised to look at the following artists: Bedwyr Williams - The Gulch, Clara Ursith - Sound, Steve McQueen’s film ‘Hunger’ and Mary Douglas book ‘Purity and Danger’.

I ordered some luminous paint, 2 white morph style masks, 10 pairs of white Cotton gloves and a full white all in one stretchy suit (oh god help me!). My idea was just to see that if I put these on and used the luminous paint, will I be surprised at just where and how much I touch myself. 😯😂

I couldn't wear the masks for long, because they made me feel a bit claustrophobic. You can see and breathe through them but it's not comfortable and when I started putting paint close to my nose, the fumes were a little overpowering. Anyhow, I managed a few hours in each and this seemed to be more than enough time.

Dating - I copied the following from someones Facebook profile, this person is trying to encourage people to create a local club for singles to meet face to face.

1. The Paradox of Choice - When faced with too much choice we often end up making the wrong choice especially when someone has tried to mislead us.

2. Lack of Meaningful Information - Dating profiles present us with mainly superficial information about our potential matches. So we don't see that person as a whole in the context of real life.

3. Matching Doesn’t Work - Matching logarithms don't work as each of us is three people.

The person we think we are.

The person they think we are.

The person we actually are.

4. Disclosure - During an online chat we disclose much more than we would in a face to face meeting. This causes raised expectations and often leads to disappointment when we meet.

5. Same Old Faces - People, typically spend one or two months on a dating site averaging 12 hours per week. They get disillusioned, have a break then return. When we see the same faces again and again we question how datable these people are.

6. Our Success is Their Failure - Online dating companies really don't want us to meet our soulmates, they would rather us keep coming back again and again to use their sites as this way they make more money.

Other online dating statistics and information.

80% of people lie in their profile.

15% of profiles are fake and used for stalking or deception.

55% of communication is body language.

38% of communication is tone.

7% of communication is verbal.

Who knows how low the percentage for text is !!

Women are better communicators than men.

Smell is really important to women.

Voice and dress sense amongst other things are too.

Guys take note !!

The top 5 things men lie about.

1. Job (better than it is)

2. Height (taller)

3. Weight (losing a few pounds)

4. Physique (athletic)

5. Money

Top 5 things women lie about.

1. Weight (losing a few pounds)

2. Age (losing a few years)

3. Physique (toned)

4. Height

5. Money

Still wondering why its so hard to meet the right person online ?

Southend High Street, 27th Oct 2017.

Physically I had prepared everything I needed for my Real Life Tinder event, but mentally I felt nervous, dread and excitement all at the same time. I had picked up my sister, Emma on the way, as she was (arm twisted into) assisting me. We picked a busy spot with plenty of people passing. Set up my camera on the tripod and erected my chair directly opposite it. I had made a sign for Emma to hold,

Which as it turned out, was very useful, as lots of people didn't know what Tinder was!

So my idea, was for men, passing by to stop and choose either a red marker for Nope (they wouldn't date me), or a green marker for a Like (meaning they would date me) and make a mark on the acrylic sheet I was holding, while sitting in my chair.

With the camera rolling and people walking past, many seemed too shy to come forward, maybe it was because of the camera, maybe they were too busy shopping, or maybe they were apprehensive and thought I wanted something from them. About 30 minutes in, I found myself pleading for some people to leave their mark on me, which felt wrong and needy, so I stopped doing that.

Even with my sister by my side, I felt vulnerable, not physically intimidated, (which seems strange writing this now, as watching back I could've been). I was not hiding behind a computer screen in the comfort of my living room, I was putting myself out there for people to stare at and judge. I noticed some women gave warm smiles after reading the Real Life Tinder sign, seeming to acknowledge and understand what I was getting at, while others scowled and if they with a man, grabbed their men's arms tighter. I DON'T WANT YOUR MAN!!!! A lot of men turned their cheek after reading the sign and walked by faster, not wanting to catch my gaze.

I felt more vulnerable sitting down rather than standing, I felt meek and not my normal outgoing self. Men were having to bend down to hear me speak and then to put their mark onto me. I also felt a bit trapped seated and holding the acrylic sheet in front of me was a communications barrier.

Conclusion:

Most men seemed embarrassed to put a Nope (red) mark onto me and wanted to justify this profusely. Their embarrassment led me to encourage their honesty and for me to tell them that this is more important. Men (and women) don't have to encounter this guilty feeling behind their computers or tablets, they swipe left or right at pictures, like choosing candy in a sweetshop, this is Tinder and maybe this works for casual hook ups, but that's not me. I felt at the mercy of these men, do I allow these marks to sink in and stain me, affect my personality, my identity? Do I allow these marks change my outlook? I think this whole process has to some extent. I set out to try and prove that this process really is as faceless as it feels and in my mind I have.

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OG0nBcL2Ir4)

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72O-gQmk4NE)

Curiosity

Ok, so curiosity has got the better of me, I need to know if I were face to face with these men, would they swipe left for Nope, or right for Like, direct to my face? I was really against putting myself out there, the idea of me being face to face out in public at the mercy of these men, really pees me off. It was suggested that maybe I could film, then project myself behind the glass, which I would be more comfortable with, however the more I think, the more I thought that I would be defeating the object, because without me actually being behind the glass, I would be the one who is faceless and a hypocrite.

I started to look online for glass boxes, these would've had to of been bespoke, exspensive and potentially hazardous. I then looked at a safer and lighter alternative to glass, acrylic. I wanted a piece the same height and width as me, however I realised that size wouldn't fit in my car. I decided that I would use a smaller piece that could fit in my car and that I would sit behind instead of standing.

I wrote a plan of what I want to achieve. I initially thought that I would take red and green paint and let men use paint brushes to leave their mark, I decided against this idea, as I worried that someone would create a mess in the high street. Instead I have decided to use permenant ink pens.

I want to film what happens, so I have bought a tripod for my camera.

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