Petty Whining Heard Off in the Distance

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

there’s a darkhumor meme or something or other where peers joke “I should die now while I still had potential” and I can’t help but wonder right now - could anyone sincerely say I still had potential? or have I just squandered it all?

who the fuck am I kidding?

fuck I’m such a joke

it’s kinda the worst

I keep thinking I can do shit 

I’m absolutely useless

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

we have an event tonight here at school and right now I just don’t know if I’m up for it. And I was literally so ready a few hours ago.

It’s just that the leftover grief I from my grandmother’s death a year ago just re hit me last night resulting in drunk crying during a gathering of friends 

and right now my insides just feel so heavy and I can’t really feel anything other than that weight and I hate it because it was a little over a year ago and I just can’t handle it anymore it’s like I’ve been holding it at bay and the flood gates opened and I don’t know what to do

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

Well...that was a horrendous decision...oops

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

Apparently you took you a few weeks to acknowledge it. And I wonder what that means overall. Was it just awkwardness of it all? Or did you just stare at it for awhile wondering what to do?

I want to ask you, I want to check up on you.

But I know better

I just miss you

[cwnerd12]

I swear to god if I get one more person telling me Hillary is just as bad as Trump

WHEN GIVEN A CHOICE BETWEEN A NEOLIBERAL AND A LITERAL FUCKING FASCIST, YOU DO EVERYTHING YOU HUMANLY CAN TO MAKE SURE THE LITERAL FUCKING FASCIST DOESN’T WIN.

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

I think I need to vary who I hang out with on the regular to preserve some of the friendships I have. I’m spending so much time on my senior research and working that I haven’t really just gotten out of my routine and I think it’s driving me haywire

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

Sometimes I think about contacting you. In so many ways you brought out good in me. Things I liked. I liked who I was with you. 

And sometimes I think our paths will merge again

and other times I think maybe the good in you was showing me the good in me and then leaving had it’s own benefits. 

I just sometimes have to remind myself that as much as I loved you and we loved each other that we might have wanted the same things but the fact that we wanted them in different places matters. A lot. 

And sometimes I think you saw that. Much clearer than I did or than I was willing to.

And sometimes I think I make all this shit up, saving your reputation because I sincerely don’t want you to be the bad guy in this. 

I mean you were.

You ignored me for a month+, not to mention some other unexplained behavior that I just accredit to your mourning because otherwise it hurts too much.

In the end I can’t lie. You handled the ending piss poorly.

I also handled the the after piss poorly. 

And even after all of that - I’m glad I had you for a bit. I just wish I didn’t miss you so much because I truly doubt we’ll ever see each other again. And I want to move on. 

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

Sometimes I wonder how delusional I must be because I feel like I have the ability to feel you thinking of me across this space you put between us.

I realize it’s most likely not real by any means. It’s just me missing you and me wanting you to so badly to miss me too. 

I still don’t 100% buy your reasoning. And maybe I didn’t hear you clearly over my anger and sadness. 

I know you probably just got scared and decided becoming a coward was easier.

Maybe it was easier.

But was it worth it? 

Regardless - even if you still love me. I know I have to move on.

I can miss you all I want but it doesn’t bring you back and I won’t reach out to you because I know better. 

I’m working on getting over you. I deserve happiness and I will love again.

Honestly if we truly are meant to be our paths will wind their way back to each other with no help from us. 

Regardless - I will be okay. Each day is better for me. I hope it’s better for you too. 

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

Announcement: I am human I make mistakes - I don’t know why you’re in such a mood with me because I don’t know what I did. 

Now kindly hop of my dick.

thank you

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

*screams help inside my head*

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

I’m a mess.

I want to ask for help. 

But I hate admitting I need it.

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

I need help but when someone reaches out I just stare at them or lie

and I don’t really know what’s wrong

or if I do have real anxiety or what

I’m probably just making it up

maybe my SAD theory is correct?

I don’t know

I don’t know

I don’t know

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

I also lied to my closest friends

so hopefully they won’t hold that against me

I wouldn’t blame them if they did though

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

I’m not okay

and I’m not a good liar

but I don’t know what else to do other then maybe move to my room so if I do go into a full blown anxiety attack no one will be here to witness it. 

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

I was just thinking the other day about how I haven’t had the need to post here for anything serious lately

and then I got into a car accident this morning on my way in to my internship

and I don’t have a car now

and I hate it

and I’m so frazzled by the whole thing

ughhhhhh

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

.

[listenclosetoasquirrelcomplain]

I hate how irrational my period makes me

he’s probably not sick of me or bugged just busy with memorial day things and family

I just get in my own head too much sometimes