i am not afraid

Octavia Blake twenty-four. single. photographer. I. Am. Not. Afraid. That's all you need, just four little words. Keep repeating those words to yourself and that's how you'll learn to slay your demons. {exclusive octaven 1x1}

[envyavenue]

Snapchat by Vinnie Cartabiano.

[littlexxbird]

Raven withdrew her hand when the contact was broke and instead let her hands curl around the cup of coffee that had been cooling off as her eyes focused on Octavia’s fingers playing with the corners of the sonogram. It made Raven wonder what was going through her mind. Were there regrets at the decision that she had just made? Were the next words out of her mouth going to be something along the lines of ‘I can’t do this’ or 'I changed my mind’? Probably not, but that didn’t make the fear of that being a possibility any less.

She brought the cup up to her mouth and took a drink of the now warm liquid. She had forgotten the sugar which resulted in the coffee tasting incredibly bitter and she immediately put the cup down, her face twist into an expression of disgust as she reached over to grab a handful of sugar packets. One by one she opened them, pouring the sugar into the cup before picking up her spoon. Her attention moved back to Octavia as she let the spoon fall into the black coffe and she began to stir.

Raven listened to what the girl sitting across from her had to say. She listened as she issued a plea for no violence. Of course she wouldn’t want that, she had never wanted that. Raven could still clearly recall the mark that had sent Raven over the edge, the mark of an open palm splayed in a tender redness. It had been the final straw for her- she had been so ready to put Lincoln in his place, to make him feel something that would mirror the pain he had been Octavia.

She had been so ready, but one word from Octavia? One plea to let it go and to crawl into bed? That was all it had taken for Raven to abort her mission of revenge on the guy. One plea and she had dropped the idea of making him pay- just like one plea of no violence just now would be followed.

Raven finished stirring the cup of coffee and set the spoon down beside the cup, a soft sigh falling from her lips as she nodded. “Alright, no punches. But if he does anything, just know that that is out the window,” she paused. “When do you want to tell him?”

[littleblake]

“He’s not going to do anything,” Octavia repeated words Raven had handed her earlier, words that probably did no more to convince the girl than they did to convince her. Lincoln wouldn’t do anything, of course he wouldn’t. His violent tendencies were never truly his, but actions that came as a side effect to his addiction. What was truly his was peace and love and kindness; she knew how much he beat himself up, metaphorically, over what he did to her in the years they had been together.

It’s why he had always apologized, always given her flowers, showered her with love, after an incident did happen. He wasn’t intentionally manipulating her, but trying to make up for what he hadn’t meant to do in the first place, what was never under his control. In the end, she knew he knew that it would have always happened again without seeking help, so it was always under his control.

But he wasn’t going to do anything now, not with being clean and having moved on from the past. At least, he wasn’t going to do anything physical. He might try to reason with her, he might cry... he might even hate her for the choice she decided to make. Octavia knew those were more possible outcomes than a violent one, and Raven’s own threat of violence made her shift uncomfortable in the vinyl booth.

“You’re not going to do anything either,” She offered, eyes glancing at the girl, pleading. Even if, by some magic irony, Lincoln did get physical, the last thing she needed was for Raven to get so as well, to have that image in her mind again, to remember what she had tried so hard to forget over the past two years. Octavia didn’t want to see violence in Raven’s hands either. Ever again.

She needed a moment, so Octavia focused on the drink in front of her, fingers leaving the corners of the sonogram to peel the paper from her straw so she could stick it into the cup of water. She took a sip, but it did little to clear her mind. “Today, probably,” Octavia shrugged. “Might as well get it over with.”

[littlexxbird]

Waiting, waiting, waiting. It seemed like she had been doing a lot of that lately, waiting. Waiting for appointments, waiting for decisions, waiting for Octavia- not that she minded the waiting. She was happy to wait and she would wait for as long as Octavia needed her to, but it wasn’t exactly the most enjoyable thing in the world. Especially when the waiting had followed a question asked by Raven, asking about when and how she would be telling Lincoln. 

Luckily, the wait for an answer to that question didn’t take nearly as long as other things had. The answer to this question came quicker, much quicker, and it came in the form of an answer she had been hoping not to hear. Octavia wanted her to come with her to tell Lincoln, she wanted her to be there, and the very thought of it had her stomach churning. She didn’t want to go- she didn’t want to be involved in this, but she was. She was because she loved Octavia and that would never not be true.

So she nodded. “Of course. I will go with you, and we will get through this together.” Raven managed a small smile, although it quickly vanished with the next words spoken by Octavia. They were words that only upset her, words that sent her back to those days in college when they were sneaking around and fresh bruises were what prompted intimacy between the two of them. Dark days, the days that had started a relationship but had also caused so much pain. 

It only made her remember why she was not so fond of Lincoln in the first place.

Raven shook her head. “No, he isn’t going to touch you. I’ll be there, and even if he tried and I wasn’t, you aren’t under his spell anymore, okay? You broke away from it and I know that you won’t let him start that again,” she paused. “And if he does, I have no problem knocking him out. God knows that was something I dreamed of doing years ago.” 

[littleblake]

Octavia sighed heavily, finally peeling her hand away from Raven’s and settling it on her side of the table instead. Her fingers picked at the corners of the sonogram. There was a certain contentedness that came with the girl’s reassurance that they’d get through this together, although it was something she was positive Raven said at least a few dozen times over the past two weeks (or maybe even that day), it still managed to pull a certain level of comfort over her.

As long as Raven was there, still with her and not running even though she had every right to, even though Octavia wished she would sometimes because she didn’t deserve this, she knew they’d get through anything. 

Even informing Lincoln that she was three months pregnant with his child and had decided to give it to someone else instead. A thought lingered. Would he insist on taking the baby on himself? Would he be able to sign them over when the time came? The worries stirred her heart and not in the good way. Octavia really hoped he wouldn’t argue to keep the baby himself. She would never be able to sit by and watch him do that, watch him raise their baby by himself.

She’d end up sucked right back into everything, she knew it. There’d be no option to not feel for the baby anymore, not if Lincoln ended up raising them.

That’s why she needed Raven there. Raven was logic and facts and Octavia knew that the girl would keep her on track with what’s best and what’s not. And having her there in case Lincoln got upset was also a benefit too. “I know he’s not going to... and please don’t punch him, okay? I don’t... it’s sweet of you to offer to punch someone for me, but... I don’t want any fists flying anywhere from either of you.”

[littlexxbird]

She waited and she waited for Octavia to speak, to make the nerves that had swarmed her disappear. Or, at least, it felt like she had been waiting forever for words of comfort to be spoken. In reality it couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, a few seconds of silence as her thumb ran circles against the other girl’s hand. A few seconds where she found herself thinking about Octavia’s options. A few seconds where she found herself supporting the idea of abortion.

That would be the easiest solution, right? Terminate the pregnancy and they could go on with rebuilding their relationship. They could go on with their lives and there wouldn’t be that complication making them question everything. Lincoln wouldn’t have to get involved at all. It seemed like it was the best solution, but it wasn’t the only one. Adoption could be the choice that Octavia made, and Raven would support her through that decision as well.

Maybe adoption wasn’t the easiest or the preferred choice for Raven, it was still a valid choice. Yes, she would have to go through the next six months with a pregnant Octavia. She would have to worry about the possibility of her realizing there was still something there between her and Lincoln. She would have to deal with the late night cravings and the erratic mood swings. She would have to deal with the possibility of Octavia growing attached and deciding to keep the baby.

And while adoption would brighten someone else’s life, what would it do to hers and the one that she so wanted to share with Octavia? However, despite her hesitancy towards the option, Raven also knew that she would stand by Octavia. She knew that she would give the other girl her unwavering support no matter what she decided to do, she always would.

Then, Octavia spoke. Adoption.

Okay so Raven would have to deal with her fears, but she would move past it. She had to, and so she nodded. “I’m proud of you for making a decision,” she said softly, squeezing the hand that she was holding. “Do you want to tell Lincoln alone, or do you want me to go with you?” Did Raven want to go with her to tell Lincoln? No. Would she go with her to tell Lincoln? Absolutely.

[littleblake]

Octavia’s eyes searched Raven’s face, begging to find some sort of reaction to tell her if she made the right decision or not. But, she didn’t find out at all. Instead she found a comforting gaze meeting hers, matching the soothing circles of the girl’s thumb, and a nod that told her ‘I’ll be beside you no matter what you choose’ and not ‘you made the right decision’. She wasn’t so sure if she made the right one, but she also wasn’t sure if she made the wrong one either. How did anyone ever make a decision in situations like this?

The moment felt final though, as if she couldn’t go back now that she spoke out loud. Of course, Octavia knew that wasn’t true; she still had another few weeks before her three options dwindled to two and another six months before two turned into one. For some reason, actually saying it made it feel concrete. It’s the path she chose. Now they’d have to deal with it. 

Besides, it was probably better to decide early on, before the possibility of becoming attached presented itself. 

Raven’s question had her nodding, lip pulled between her teeth. “Can you come with me?” Octavia asked, even though the girl had basically answered her with her own question just moments before. The thought of telling Lincoln alone wasn’t one she wanted to face. How was he going to react? Would he be mad? Sad? Upset? Afraid? Would he feel the same things she felt over the past three months? Or would it be easy for him to face the decision? Or even harder, because she had already made up her mind before even telling him?

And then there was the innate fear if he did actually get mad over anything she told him. Octavia blinked away the tears building in her eyes before speaking again. “If he gets mad, I... it’s not like I think he’s going to touch me, or that I’m afraid of him, I just... it makes me remember... you know...” She trailed off with a shake of her head, not entirely sure where she was going with the statement. Lincoln wouldn’t hit her again; he was clean and had been for years. But even after two years of not feeling physical retribution for angering someone, it was still something that would probably always be ingrained in her reflexes.

[littlexxbird]

Raven remained silent. Maybe she didn’t want to overwhelm the girl who was sitting across from her, or maybe she just didn’t know what to say because, really, what was a person supposed to say in this situation? There wasn’t exactly a handbook on dealing with the girl you are in love with getting pregnant by her abusive ex boyfriend after having fled the country for two years. She actually couldn’t think of this situation being a common occurrence, either. How could she when everything about it seemed so unique. Still…that didn’t matter. What did matter was her finding the strength to move past this and to be able to help Octavia.

To be able to help Octavia with whatever the other girl chose to do.

And she would, Raven knew that. She knew that she would support Octavia no matter what she decided, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t feel a weight being lifted off of her chest when she heard Octavia finally speak.

Was it wrong? Maybe. Was it selfish? Absolutely. But she couldn’t help that. Raven wasn’t ready to raise a baby and she certainly wasn’t ready to lose Octavia- a prospect that seemed like it would be the most likely thing to end up happening should Octavia decide to keep the baby. So yeah, Raven was glad to hear her say those words, to say that she couldn’t do it. Would anyone in her position feel a different way?

She gave a soft nod, her thumb running circles against the back of the hand that she was holding. “That’s okay, Octavia. If you can’t do this, then you can’t do it,” she began, her voice kept as soothing as possible. “No one is going to blame you, and I’m not going to go anywhere. I’m going to stick by your side through all of this, okay?” Raven’s gaze flickered over to the grainy sonogram picture for a moment, kept there while she spoke once more.

“So what are you going to do?”

[littleblake]

Her stomach might have dropped with the weight of the words, but her shoulders? Her shoulders lifted, weight lightened from on top them. Keeping the baby would never work out in the long run and the last thing she wanted was a child who had to question whether their mother wanted them or not or if being born was even worth it (just as Octavia had spent her childhood asking herself). 

While Raven’s thumb soothed circles against her skin, her free hand stayed near the sonogram, fingers ghosting across the glossy photo. The grey blob in the middle looked nothing like a baby, even though Octavia knew that in six short months it could be one. It didn’t feel like hers, but it didn’t feel like it was nothing either, that it wasn’t going to be nothing. Maybe to someone, somewhere, it would. Maybe someone else would get the soaring sensation that came with seeing a baby develop within her, maybe their hearts would be in time with the gentle thumping of the doppler.

Maybe someone, somewhere wouldn’t feel nothing when they thought of a future with the baby inside of her.

Octavia’s fingers rested just at the corner of the sonogram, careful not to smudge it. This baby was already going to be tainted enough, right? No need to ruin it more. Her gaze fell back to Raven, words churning in her mind. She nodded. The rest of the diner became nothing as they became lost in their own world. Her options had dwindled to two, and her previous thoughts still stuck. Could she actually choose abortion? Would she be able to? 

If someone had told her in high school that at twenty-four she’d be pregnant with Lincoln’s baby, Octavia would have been ecstatic. It was the dream life, the one she constantly thought about as the man wooed her with flowers and romance and his varsity jacket and twirling her around the floor at prom. Part of her heart would always be with Lincoln, she knew that. No one forgets their high school sweetheart. No one forgets the man they planned a future with.

No one forgets a man who abused them either.

But despite that, Octavia wasn’t sure if she’d actually be able to go through with abortion, with just getting rid of something that she and Lincoln created as if it wasn’t once wanted, dreamed of, wished for.

She shook her head. “I’m going to tell Lincoln that I’m pregnant,” Octavia began softly, heart beating against the nerves coursing through her veins. “Then I’m going to ask him to help me find a family.”

[littlexxbird]

Of course waitress had to say something about the sonogram that Octavia had pulled out. Of course she did. Wasn’t it natural, the curiosity and the excitement that followed seeing an ultrasound picture? But still…it would have been nice if she had been able to read the somber mood that was surrounding them.

The waitress left after a smile from Raven and it led to Raven picking up the menu. She glanced over the items on it once, the words and pictures that decorated the lamenated paper seeming to blend together as she tried to decide what to get- probably the usual. Or maybe a grilled cheese, that sounded good. But the food isn’t what occupied her mind at that moment, in fact it didn’t seem at all important. Raven closed the menu and set it down, let her gaze settle on the girl who sat across from her staring down at the sonogram.

She couldn’t read her, not like she usually could. What was that look she was wearing as she looked at the little gray blob that would soon develop into a recognizable human. Was she feeling an attachments beginning to form? Was she feeling regret? Fear? She tried to identify what the other girl was feeling but continued to come out with nothing. Nothing at all that would clue her in on how to help.

Raven swallowed. Should she say something? Should she bring up the subject of the baby and try and figure out what Octavia wanted to do? She wasn’t sure, so she went with what she knew that she could do. She reached her hand across the table and closed her fingers around one of Octavia’s. Raven didn’t say anything; she didn’t know what to say. But she didn’t move her hand either, not even when the waitress returned with their drinks, took their orders and the menus, and left again.

[littleblake]

Raven’s touch startled her. In an instant, her attention snapped away from the photo on the table to brown eyes looking back at her. She expected the girl to say something, anything, even a ‘what are you getting?’, but nothing came. Octavia let a sigh fall from her lips, soft and silent, before curling her fingers around Raven’s hand as well and turning her attention back to the sonogram.

When the waitress came, she looked up for just a moment to pass back her menu and give her order. The usual. Pancakes. Octavia’s gaze returned to the sonogram. Pancakes were always her usual whenever she ate at a diner, or for breakfast at home sometimes, mostly on special occasions. She was a runner and eggs always ended up providing better protein than pancakes, but they were still her favorite, her go-to. 

They’ve been her favorite for over two decades, ever since she started kindergarten and Bellamy was left to find something quick to get in her before school. Frozen pancakes were always available. They were cheap and easy to make for kids who barely knew how to work the microwave, kids who quickly learned how to use everything in the kitchen because they were constantly on their own.

Sometimes, before she knew what her mother went through to keep them afloat, Octavia wondered why she was even born, since the older woman clearly didn’t want her. Then, during nights when her mom would actually be home and would crawl into their bed to read them tales about Greeks and Romans and warriors and goddesses, she always felt guilty for wondering that.

Thinking of her own childhood had her hand gripping Raven’s just a little bit tighter. Barely noticeable, and barely any more comforting as well. Looking at the sonogram before her, Octavia didn’t feel anything. She hadn’t felt anything during her appointment either. Her eyes didn’t glisten with the sight of the baby, her baby, on a screen. Her heart didn’t beat in time with the sound they heard either. She didn’t feel anything.

And she couldn’t do this.

A moment later, Octavia looked at Raven in front of her, tearing her gaze away from the sonogram at last. Her expression stayed somber and her frown grew deeper. “I can’t do this,” She whispered, her stomach dropping with the effort of saying those words out loud.

[littlexxbird]

Raven didn’t say anything, but she did nod. Maybe was such a vague answer, but she knew what the real one was. She knew what it had to be. No. Octavia couldn’t be okay, not when Raven wasn’t okay herself and she wasn’t even the one actually going through it. She wasn’t the one who was pregnant and yet so far Raven had done an excellent job of not thinking about how this was going to affect Octavia. She had been so focused on herself and how this could possible change or destroy the relationship that they had been rebuilding, that the fact that Octavia was the one going through it hadn’t fully registered yet.

It did now, though. In the way that she said the word maybe. In the way the other girl clung to the papers and sonogram. In the way her gaze had grown distant with each thump, thump, thump of the growing baby’s heartbeat. Raven had done a good job of being there for Octavia physically- but emotionally? She had never been more distant and focused on herself.

It was something that was going to have to change.

Raven turned in her seat once more as the girl beside her climbed out of the car and she unclicked the seatbelt before getting out herself. She let her feet hit the rock salt covered pavement and she swung around to where Octavia stood waiting, holding her own hand out to entangle their fingers together before tugging the other girl towards the entrance of the diner.

Once inside they were directed to small booth by an overly cheerful hostess. Raven nodded along to the comment she made before letting go of Octavia’s hand and sliding into one side of the booth. The hostess put down too simple menus on the table and Raven relayed a coffee order for herself before both sets of eyes moved to rest on Octavia.

[littleblake]

They were led to a table and before Octavia had even realized it, she was sliding into the booth across from Raven and pulling the sonogram from her pocket. Subconsciously, maybe she wanted to avoid crinkling it with her shaky hands and her wrinkled coat. Or, maybe she just needed to look at it until this felt more real, until she felt more attached to the situation she was in, to the baby she was carrying.

Because right now? Right now she felt nothing, and nothing wasn’t helping make this decision any easier for her.

Her fingers flatted the glossy photo onto the table in front of her and her fingertips skimmed over the grey, muddled mess as Raven ordered coffee for herself. Then, two pairs of eyes were on her and Octavia flushed, looking away from the sonogram to the waitress standing at the end of their booth, pen in hand as she waited. 

“Just water, please,” Octavia offered after clearing her throat. The woman eyed her, then the sonogram. “Yours?” Came the curious glance. It made Octavia flush even deeper, but thankfully in lingered on the back of her neck and ears. She nodded. The waitress gave her a toothy smile and wrote her drink order down on the notepad she was holding. “Congrats.” Octavia nodded again and fell silent as the woman took the cue to leave and her gaze fell once again to the photo.

Not even the afternoon chatter of the diner could cover up the gentle thumping in her ears.

Octavia attempted to look over the menu, but in the end, her attention kept being drawn back to the sonogram and eventually, she gave up even trying to search over the simply listed meals. She’d get her usual, or whatever Raven got, anything would be fine. A frown pulled at her lips. The flush went away. The thumping stayed.

[littlexxbird]

She knew that, that Octavia had skipped breakfast. In the time since finding out about the pregnancy, Raven hadn’t strayed far from the other girl and she had ended up staying over at Harper’s most of the time with her. However the night before she had not. She had gone home and slept- albeit not a peaceful sleep- amd had come over to Harper’s to pick the girl up. Her and Harper didn’t have a good relationship after the events that had transpired over two years earlier, but one thing that they did agree on was Octavia. They both loved her- in different ways- and they both wanted to see her happy and healthy.

It was why coming to Harper’s wasn’t nearly as awkward anymore. Not when Raven could count on at least a few words to be exchanged on the topic of Octavia’s pregnancy and how she was holding up, especially on nights when Raven did not stay over. That was how she had found out that Octavia had skipped breakfast- through Harper as Raven waited for Octavia to gather her things. It was one of the reasons she had thought of going to the diner.

Raven nodded, a soft smile crossing her lips as she shut the door and moved around to the driver’s side of the car. She opened the door and slid in, shutting the door and starting the car before pulling the seatbelt into place with a soft click. The heater came on and a content sigh fell from her lips before she looked over the girl beside her. The way that she was looking down at the folder and the grainy picture that was clipped to it was enough to wipe the smile away.

There was a reason that Raven had tried to avoid looking at the ultrasound machine, and there was a reason that she would avoid looking at the sonogram now.

Raven looked away, letting the warm air from the heater warm her up as she pulled out of the doctor’s office parking lot and got onto the street that led to the diner. She found herself unable to make much conversation on the drive to the diner and had opted to make most of it in silence.

When they finally reached the place, Raven pulled into a parking spot at the front of the building and turned the car off, turning slightly so that she could face Octavia. “You okay?” She asked.

[littleblake]

The drive was physically quiet. Raven focused on what was in front of them and Octavia... she focused on other stuff. Her gaze fell to the window, looking forward as well, but her mind wasn’t there at all. And for her? The drive was everything but quiet. Would that sound ever go away? No matter what choice she made, what option she decided on, would she ever forget that obnoxiously gentle thumping that had confirmed the very present reality?

She wasn’t sure she ever would.

And maybe she wasn’t positive she wanted to.

Her attention zoned out as Raven weaved through the traffic to the diner and she couldn’t help but think about her options. They were pretty straightforward, even for someone who hasn’t been in this situation before, who never expected to be. As a human, she was very aware of the options even before the doctor listed them. She could decide to keep the baby and possibly fall into her mother’s footsteps and very likely lose Raven. She could not keep it too. Keep. Abort. Adopt. Simple.

At least, they would have been had Octavia never listened to that thump, thump, thumping. Now that it was ingrained in her mind, though? It’s all she could think about.

Raven grabbed her focus for a second and Octavia realized they had parked; car sitting just a few spaces from the entrance to the diner. She sighed and unbuckled before glancing toward the girl. “Maybe.” Then, she shrugged again. The answer was no, honestly, and Octavia knew that Raven knew that. Neither of them were okay, and it was possible they wouldn’t be for a long time.

Without saying another word, Octavia opened her door and stepped out of the car, the folder of papers and information left behind on the seat, but the grainy grey picture tucked into her coat pocket. She waited for Raven to meet her at the tail end of the car before they made their way inside.

[littlexxbird]

Raven was glad she knew, she was thankful that Octavia wasn’t pressuring her to stay or that she wasn’t complaining about the way that she had been acting. But still- Raven wanted to make things up to Octavia. It was one of the reasons that she had suggested going to the diner after the appointment. She was about to open the door when a hand cupped her jaw and lips warmed hers once again.

It was strange, the way that something as simple as pressing her lips against Octavia’s had the ability to make nothing else matter. It had always been like that, though, kissing Octavia; it had always had the ability to clear her mind and make her stop worrying about whatever was going on at the time. That had been how they started sleeping together, hadn’t it? Octavia had used kissing her to stop her questions about a bruise that she knew came from Lincoln?

It always ended up that way. Whenever one of them were overly worried or caught up in something stressful, the other would press a kiss to her. It worked for the time being, but it never lasted. It would never last.

Just like the kiss that Raven had initiated hadn’t permanently make her feel so light.

Within seconds of Octavia having pulled back, the reality of everything came crashing back down on her. She no longer felt weightless. She no longer didn’t feel that stress that the whole situation had been causing her. She was back in reality, and reality? It wasn’t her most favorite thing right now. Or, at least it wasn’t. Not until Octavia said three words that made her heart swell with happiness.

I love you.

Raven curled her fingers around Octavia’s hand and nodded. “I love you, too,” she responded, her thumb swiping across the back of the other girl’s hand. Had the cool weather not been creeping in on her, Raven would have been content with staying where they were. But the chill that hit the back of her neck? It prompted her free hand to reach out for the car door.

Raven pulled the door opened and let go of Octavia’s hand. “Are you hungry?”

[littleblake]

Octavia noticed that the kiss didn’t do much but warm Raven’s lips. Mostly because it didn’t do much besides that for her either. There was a moment of comfort, of ignorant bliss; a moment that they were able to forget reality. She really liked that moment. But it wasn’t a part of reality. Reality was something you couldn’t forget, no matter how much you wanted to, and there, standing in the middle of a hospital parking lot with cold air breezing straight through their layers, a large packet tucked beneath her arm, reality was ever so present.

Still, the returned ‘I love you’ lingered much longer than the kiss did and she wondered if it would always be like that with Raven. They were nothing short of physical, sure, they enjoyed sex and making out and kissing and feather-light touches that usually calmed or drove the other crazy, but they had always had the physical. The words though? They hadn’t been around forever, once hidden with secrecy, and Octavia wondered if that meant they’d always mean more, last longer, than a simple kiss?

Raven opened the car door for her and spoke and it took Octavia a moment to gather what she had said, still lost in her own thoughts and the never-fading heartbeat that still echoed in her every being. “I think so,” She shrugged. “I was almost as nervous as the first time we came here, so I kind of forgot to eat breakfast.”

She wasn’t hungry. She didn’t eat breakfast because she wasn’t hungry either. But, Octavia knew that was from the nerves. Her body needed food and eventually, the leftover anxiety from the appointment would wear off and she’d end up starving and craving a plate of her favorite diner food. Plus, the feeling that diners always gave her never failed to raise her spirits, even just a little.

Her lips pressed a quick kiss against Raven’s cheek with a soft “thank you” before she ducked into the car, letting the girl shut the door as she focused on buckling up. The packet, which held the information the doctor had given her, rested on her lap, a dark grey sonogram photo paper clipped on the front. Octavia heard the heartbeats, louder, like a set of drums against her ears, and her gaze snapped away from it, eyeing the car parked in front of them instead.

[littlexxbird]

It would happen, she would get past it; she had to. If not for Octavia, then for herself because god only knew that Raven wouldn’t survive losing Octavia from her life for a second time. Octavia was part of her at this point and she always would be. The way that seeing her caused her heart to race? The way that every touch, no matter how small or insignificant it was, gave her butterflies? That was all the girl whose hand she was currently holding. 

If she couldn’t get past this small inconvenience for Octavia, then she would get past it for herself. She had to.

But it didn’t matter because she would get past it for Octavia, she would. The way her holding her hand caused her to relax showed that, even if getting to the point that she would be comfortable with the pregnancy…and with the baby, should the other girl decide to keep and raise it…might be taking longer than either of them would have liked. 

“I’ll always be here,” she whispered, her free hand reaching out to rest on the other girl’s leg, the smile growing slightly when Octavia agreed to going to the diner. “Good. We need that,” she responded, her mouth opened to say something else, to say I love you, when the door to the room swung opened and the technician came back in. Raven pulled her hand from Octavia’s grasp and let the hand resting on her leg fall before standing up, gathering their things while the technician spoke to Octavia.

She moved to the door, her hand held out for Octavia to take when the technician had finished handing her the things that she had gone to print off. Her fingers laced together with the other girl’s and she lead her out of the doctor’s office and into the parking lot. 

Raven stopped when they reached the car, a small sigh falling from her lips as she pulled the girl closer to her, pressing a kiss to her lips. “I’m sorry that I’ve been acting weird. This is just…it’s hard, you know?”

[littleblake]

Octavia had barely heard the words the technician had spoken to her. She’d call, make another appointment. Yes, she knew her options, they had already told them to her three times in the last two weeks. Yes, she would pick up the prescriptions of vitamins and supplements and yes she knew she was tiny, although not for a lack of eating, because she usually stacked more onto her plate than a teenage boy except for late, when she had been too stressed and too guilty to even think about food in the same way. 

Actually, Octavia wasn’t even positive that all of those things were said at the end of the appointment. She was pretty sure the technician just handed her an envelope of papers, told her to sign them and call and make another appointment for a few weeks from then, and offered a cheerful ‘have a nice day’ to her and Raven. It was hard to decipher between what happened when though, when there was the sound of a heartbeat stuck in her brain that wasn’t one she had ever known before today.

It swirled in her mind, pressed against her own heart, pushing it into a rhythm it didn’t want to go in. It sounded out of place, almost as though it hadn’t just come from a glorified microphone held to her stomach, almost as if this wasn’t reality at all, but some sort of dream, nightmare, that she would soon wake up from. 

Raven’s hand in hers as she led them from the hospital doors said different. The soft skin, the shaking nerves, told her that this wasn’t a dream, that this was reality.

And reality sucked.

Then, a kiss was pressed to her lips and, okay, maybe reality didn’t suck from all corners. Just one, small corner labels ‘big fucking mistake’, because Raven was reality and Raven was kissing her and apologizing for how she’s been acting and feeling and she was very real and very needed and Octavia wanted to make sure she stayed that way forever. “I do,” She mumbled, because of course she knew, she was the one that had to live with this forever, who was forced to make all of these decisions, who would have a baby growing inside of her that she didn’t even want.

Raven was just along for the ride, on the roller coaster of hell by sheer choice, she could leave whenever she wanted, walk away and never come back. Octavia couldn’t. So she knew. She did.

She moved her free hand to cup the girl’s jaw, pressing another kiss to her lips. Slow, steady, gentle, barely there. It was reassuring though, and when she pulled away, Octavia found that the reality of the winter wind nipped at her nose just a little bit less. “I love you.”

[littlexxbird]

Two weeks and Raven still hadn’t managed to get over the fact that Octavia was pregnant. Pregnant with Lincoln’s child- that was what bothered her the most, she thought. The baby being Lincoln’s, that had to be it. She wouldn’t have been this torn up about a pregnancy involving anyone else, would she? Well, it didn’t matter if she would be or wouldn’t be because there was no way of going back in time. The baby had been concieved and, as evident by the steady heartbeat echoing in the room, was thriving.

That was a good thing. It was, and Raven knew that, but she couldn’t get past the fact that this wasn’t a baby for the two of them- and the cheerfulness of the ultrasound technician wasn’t helping with that at all. Seriously, did she have to act so excited? Octavia and Raven certainly weren’t bubbling over with excitement, but the technician sure did seem like she was.

Or maybe that was her way of dealing with the tension that filled the room. The cold, unnerving room…weren’t this types of room supposed to be warm and welcoming? Was it just Raven or did the equipment in the room look nothing short of harsh? And that monitor…that monitor with the tiny gray blob proudly displayed as if it were taunting her. The tiny gray blob that was a product of-

The technician shut the monitor off and Raven realized that, in the midst of her silent thoughts, her fingers had curled tighter around Octavia’s hand. She made the effort to loosen them, soon dropping her hand when the girl moved to sit up.

Raven just wanted to leave. Okay, what she really wanted was to wake up from this nightmare, but that didn’t look like it would be happening any time soon. So leaving would be the next best thing. Then Octavia was taking her hand again and Raven moved her gaze away from the blank monitor. Her eyes settled on the girl and she managed a smile, a small nod.

“I’m not going to let you deal with this alone, I promise,” she told her. “Even if this isn’t the best situation, I’ll be here with you.” She paused. “When she gets back, I want to take you to that diner you used to love, okay?”

[littleblake]

Raven didn’t have to be there, by her side, and Octavia knew that she was uncomfortable with this whole situation. Having her there meant something, though. It wasn’t just reassuring for Octavia, but for their relationship as a whole. If both of them could stick together through this? They wouldn’t have to worry about ever losing the other in the future. At least, that’s what she was hoping would be the outcome.

There still could be the chance that Raven becomes tired of dealing with everything, of dealing with Octavia. 

There could be the chance that Raven doesn’t like the option she chooses.

Or, there could be the chance that Octavia is still worrying too much and she has nothing to fret over. She wasn’t sure. But in this moment, with her blood pumping through her veins in the same rhythm that the heartbeat echoed off the walls in, she wasn’t very sure of a lot of things anymore.

She thought of the way she could no longer button her jeans, as she tried to that morning after just wearing them the day before, and she thought of the way she’s been pressed against Raven at night instead of the other way around, because Raven still couldn’t find a place to comfortably put her hand. Octavia knew, when she grew larger and if the girl’s awkwardness with the situation didn’t decrease within that time, they wouldn’t be cuddling at all soon.

Octavia couldn’t blame her though. They were both awkward and uncomfortable and creating this weird tension where neither of them wanted to be in this situation. Raven was trying. She was trying so damn hard, and that’s all that mattered at the moment.

“You being here is all I’d ever want,” Octavia muttered, holding the girl’s hand to her lips to press a kiss to delicate knuckles. It was warm and soothing and she almost found the tension melting away. A soft smile pulled on her lips. “Sounds like a date.” The smile dropped immediately as the doctor returned, handing her papers, results, and a copy of the sonogram before sending them on their way. 

[littleblake]

Octavia flushed, nerves rushing throughout her body. The cheap paper crinkled beneath her as the ultrasound technician swiped cool gel from her lower abdomen with a few tissues and she tried to ignore the echo of faint heartbeats in her ears. Heartbeats. The baby’s heartbeats. The baby who, after seeing a tiny grey blob on a grainy screen and hearing those thumps of an equally as tiny heartbeat, was definitely real. Real and terrifying.

It had been becoming more difficult to ignore what was happening, what had happened, what was going to happen. In the two weeks since Raven found out, the girl still lacked a certain level of comfortableness when they were together; Octavia knew that the way the pregnancy had made itself known, tenderness, hormones, the small protruding of her stomach which was also becoming increasingly harder to ignore, all had something to do with Raven’s comfort level.

But she was there, beside her, watching the same indistinguishable grey blob on the same grainy screen and listening to the same faint heartbeat echo around the room they were in at that moment. Raven was there and she was holding her hand tightly - what more could she ask for?

The technician mentioned going to print off the ultrasound and Octavia nodded silently, too distracted with situating the waistband leggings just right on her hips. She was thankful, finally, for the absence of the gel because crap, that stuff was cold. And uncomfortable. And it definitely had nothing to do with the fact that the entire situation was awkward and tense and she still had no freaking clue what she planned on doing. 

She sat up, swinging her legs to dangle from the bed as they waited for the doctor to come back and finish up. A sigh fell from her lips (she felt like she’d been doing that a lot lately), and she took Raven’s hand in both of her’s. “Thanks for coming...,” Octavia mentioned quietly, barely above a whisper. What was it about hospitals that made a person feel like they needed to whisper? “I don’t think I’d be able to... without you- just, thank you.”

[littlexxbird]

She had to get over it, maybe not right then, but at some point, and Raven was stubborn; letting Octavia hold her? That would be like admitting defeat, and that was something that she just couldn’t do.

Even if that meant she wasn’t going to sleep very much.

At least, though, when Octavia had turned back over and tangled their fingers together it gave her some comfort…or it did until their hands settled on her stomach and she became antsy once more. It wasn’t right- this wasn’t how things were supposed to have gone. They were supposed to be living with happiness, reconnecting after their time apart.

They weren’t supposed to be living with the idea of a baby. There wasn’t supposed to be a baby. Not yet.

[littleblake]

Octavia attempted sleep. She really did. She was so tired and the events that day had worn her down just enough that she could have probably fallen asleep standing up. Except, that wasn’t the case. She wasn’t standing up falling asleep. Instead, Octavia was laying, with Raven’s arm around her, completely unable to sleep. It wasn’t for lack of trying, because god, she tried so hard. However, Raven was making it annoyingly difficult to do so.

It was clear that the situation hadn’t stopped bothering the girl after minutes of attempting to get comfortable behind her. With each slight movement, Octavia’s irritation grew. She just wanted some goddamn sleep and that was something she couldn’t get because Raven had decided to be so incredibly stubborn. It wasn’t like Octavia needed her to get over what she was dealing with right that second. Jesus, Octavia couldn’t even get over it herself that soon. But would it be so difficult for Raven to just let them change their position?

Finally, the moving became too much for her to deal with anymore and she spun around, again, and eyed Raven in the darkness. Her fingers squeezed the girl’s hand once, reassuringly. “Please just turn around, Rae. I want to sleep.”

[littleblake]

littlexxbird :

She wanted to let her hand remain of the other girl’s stomach. She wanted to be able to hold her in a normal way, with nothing preventing her from getting comfortable or being able to fall asleep in that position. Raven always loved being the big spoon, she loved holding Octavia…but she couldn’t. How could she when she knew the baby that was inside belonged to Lincoln? God, it didn’t sit well with her.

Was it because it was Lincoln’s? Would she be feeling this same way if Octavia had gotten pregnant by some random guy she had a one night stand with? Probably not, but she would never know that. She would never know that because the baby was Lincoln’s. 

When Octavia spoke, Raven shook her head. “No,” she said, her hand hovering awkwardly.. “I-I have to get past this. Turn back around.”

If Octavia’s frown could deepen any further, it would have. Why couldn’t Raven just get over herself so they could go to sleep? Tomorrow she could get past it, tomorrow they could discuss it, but now? Now she just wanted to feel Raven’s body against hers and allow sleep to take her over. It was clear that wasn’t happening as Raven shook her head and refused to turn over to change their position.

“If you say so,” She mumbled, rolling back over to face the now darkened room. Her chest expanded in a hopeful breath and with that came a yawn. Her body scooted backward, pressing against Raven’s once more. Then, Octavia reached out to take her hand, tangling their fingers as she pulled the girl’s arm around her, hands settling on her stomach as her eyes closed once again.

[littlexxbird]

For the moment before Raven pulled away, she felt happy, content and free of any worries. Only, that vanished the moment the contact was lost. It wasn’t her fault- who wouldn’t have worries or fears in this situation? They were only natural ones, right? They weren’t too extreme. But she tried her best to push those fears and those worries away as Octavia crawled into the bed. She looked so tired. “I’m a genius, remember,” she teased, crawling into the bed.

Raven moved to lay down beside Octavia, pulling the blankets up over herself before yawning. She turned over on her side, a small nod as she moved closer to the girl and drapped her arm over her. Her hand settled on her stomach, but it only caused her own stomach to churn.

There was a baby inside. Lincoln’s baby. She let her hand drift lower, lingering on her hip. But it didn’t feel right. None of this felt right.

[littleblake]

Octavia normally wasn’t the little spoon - or front spoon as Lexa liked to argue (mostly because she’d argue against anything that inferred that she was little). Normally, when she and Raven would be in the mood to cuddle, she’d press herself against Raven’s back and hold her tight. She always knew the girl needed it, needed to feel safe and assured, even if she didn’t admit it. There were times, though, when Octavia found herself in need of some assuring, some safety, too. That was when Octavia found herself tucked in Raven’s arm, the girl pressed warmly against her back.

It was comforting, especially when she needed it as badly as that moment.

But suddenly, it wasn’t comfortable anymore. Raven’s hand barely rested across her waist before moving away quickly, as though she were burned, and settling on her hip instead. Octavia swallowed harshly. Was her situation really affecting the way Raven touched her now? She shook her head and sighed, all she wanted to do was sleep. This could be something they talk about in the morning too, not now. Swiftly, she rolled to face Raven with a tired frown. “Turn around.”

[littlexxbird]

Somehow, the moment that Raven put her hands on Octavia’s shoulders she felt better. Or as better as she could about the situation at hand, anyways- seriously, how was someone ever going to be fully okay with the fact that the girl that they had been in love with for so long was pregnant with someone else’s baby? Even the thought of that brought a bitter taste to her mouth, one that caused her to swallow despite the dryness of her mouth.

But she had to be strong. She had to help the pther girl through this because, Raven imagined, that if she was feeling this way about something that she had the ability to walk away from, the other girl must be feeling that too, only for her Raven had no doubt that it was worse.

“It’s okay.” Raven spoke, her hands drifting down Octavia’s arms before she pulled her into an embrace. “This isn’t ideal, but it happened and we have to deal with it,” she told her, trying to keep her voice even. “Besides,” she began, pulling back from the embrace to look at the other girl. Raven managed to put on a faint smile, but it faltered as she continued to speak. “There isn’t anything we can do about it tonight, and you look exhausted. Let’s go lay down and we can deal with this in the morning.”

[littleblake]

As soon as Raven pulled her closer, Octavia caved inward, allowing the girl to wrap her in her arms, her own hands tucked between them, fingers gripping lightly onto the fabric of Raven’s shirt. Octavia let her head rest against the girl’s shoulder, for just a moment, and she tried to breathe evenly as the words floated around them. They were going to have to deal with it. Whatever was decided, they would have to deal with it. The thought was daunting, but knowing they were going to do it together? That’s all she could ask for.

Plus, she really was exhausted, as could be told by the way her eyelids slid shut, heavy and aching, a moment too long while trying to blink. Raven pulled back and Octavia forced them open again. “I don’t know how you always manage to be so right,” She joked, a lackluster smile and an endearing eye roll following. The thought of laying down was more than appealing and it only took seconds before she was stepping away from Raven and moving toward the bed, crawling beneath the blankets as she waited for the brunette to join her. “Can you... do you think you can hold me tonight?”

[littlexxbird]

Nothing about this situation was ideal, but at least Octavia wasn’t on her way to run off with Lincoln and, really, what else could she ask for when this was something that was so out of her control.

Okay, maybe she could have asked for Octavia not to pull her hands away, even if she understood her inability to stand still in front of her. Still, the stress of the whole situation couldn’t be good on Octavia and, as much as she didn’t want to think about or work the baby currently growing in the other girl’s stomach into any situation, she couldn’t deny that the stress and frustration that Octavia was feeling wasn’t good for that baby.

So Raven stood up.

Raven stood up and positioned herself in the path of Octavia’s pacing. She let her arms go out and let her hands settle on either of the other girls shoulders, stopping her in her tracks.

“Hey,” she said, her voice as firm as she could manage at the moment as her eyes searched the face of the girl in front of her. “Calm down. We will figure this out together, okay?”

[littleblake]

Octavia had been doing a great job of pacing, and worrying, and completely stressing out until she suddenly found Raven in front of her, firm hands on her shoulders, and she stopped. She stopped pacing, stopped worrying, stopped stressing. Okay, at least, she tried to do those things. It was a little hard to stop the stress and worry from coursing through your body when you’re suddenly thrown into a situation like this. Hearing Raven tell her they’d figure this out together, though, it helped. 

Raven wasn’t going anywhere, and even though this situation might not be ideal, she seemed confident they’d be able to move past it, find the good, and Octavia believed her.

“You’re right,” She sighed heavily and ran her hand through her hair with shaky hands. Where stress coursed through her body, Octavia now found the addition of exhaustion. Maybe if she made herself tired enough, she could go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare? “I’m sorry. This is just... I thought I was done processing it, you know? I took the test, I cried, I googled stupid things before I called you. I thought... apparently I was wrong. Fuck. This is the shittiest situation ever.”