Raven withdrew her hand when the contact was broke and instead let her hands curl around the cup of coffee that had been cooling off as her eyes focused on Octavia’s fingers playing with the corners of the sonogram. It made Raven wonder what was going through her mind. Were there regrets at the decision that she had just made? Were the next words out of her mouth going to be something along the lines of ‘I can’t do this’ or ‘I changed my mind’? Probably not, but that didn’t make the fear of that being a possibility any less.
She brought the cup up to her mouth and took a drink of the now warm liquid. She had forgotten the sugar which resulted in the coffee tasting incredibly bitter and she immediately put the cup down, her face twist into an expression of disgust as she reached over to grab a handful of sugar packets. One by one she opened them, pouring the sugar into the cup before picking up her spoon. Her attention moved back to Octavia as she let the spoon fall into the black coffe and she began to stir.
Raven listened to what the girl sitting across from her had to say. She listened as she issued a plea for no violence. Of course she wouldn’t want that, she had never wanted that. Raven could still clearly recall the mark that had sent Raven over the edge, the mark of an open palm splayed in a tender redness. It had been the final straw for her- she had been so ready to put Lincoln in his place, to make him feel something that would mirror the pain he had been Octavia.
She had been so ready, but one word from Octavia? One plea to let it go and to crawl into bed? That was all it had taken for Raven to abort her mission of revenge on the guy. One plea and she had dropped the idea of making him pay- just like one plea of no violence just now would be followed.
Raven finished stirring the cup of coffee and set the spoon down beside the cup, a soft sigh falling from her lips as she nodded. “Alright, no punches. But if he does anything, just know that that is out the window,” she paused. “When do you want to tell him?”
“He’s not going to do anything,” Octavia repeated words Raven had handed her earlier, words that probably did no more to convince the girl than they did to convince her. Lincoln wouldn’t do anything, of course he wouldn’t. His violent tendencies were never truly his, but actions that came as a side effect to his addiction. What was truly his was peace and love and kindness; she knew how much he beat himself up, metaphorically, over what he did to her in the years they had been together.
It’s why he had always apologized, always given her flowers, showered her with love, after an incident did happen. He wasn’t intentionally manipulating her, but trying to make up for what he hadn’t meant to do in the first place, what was never under his control. In the end, she knew he knew that it would have always happened again without seeking help, so it was always under his control.
But he wasn’t going to do anything now, not with being clean and having moved on from the past. At least, he wasn’t going to do anything physical. He might try to reason with her, he might cry… he might even hate her for the choice she decided to make. Octavia knew those were more possible outcomes than a violent one, and Raven’s own threat of violence made her shift uncomfortable in the vinyl booth.
“You’re not going to do anything either,” She offered, eyes glancing at the girl, pleading. Even if, by some magic irony, Lincoln did get physical, the last thing she needed was for Raven to get so as well, to have that image in her mind again, to remember what she had tried so hard to forget over the past two years. Octavia didn’t want to see violence in Raven’s hands either. Ever again.
She needed a moment, so Octavia focused on the drink in front of her, fingers leaving the corners of the sonogram to peel the paper from her straw so she could stick it into the cup of water. She took a sip, but it did little to clear her mind. “Today, probably,” Octavia shrugged. “Might as well get it over with.”
That look Octavia gave her, something about it made her heart sink. The way that she was pleading for the absence of any kind of violence no matter the situation? It made her wonder if Octavia’s mind had gone to the one thing that Raven had been trying so hard to forget. It made her wonder if Octavia was still afraid of her…no. Octavia wasn’t afraid of her, she couldn’t be. She wouldn’t have started something with her again, she wouldn’t have been worried about Raven leaving when the pregnancy came out. She wouldn’t have asked her to accompany her to the appointments, she wouldn’t have asked for her to be there with her when she told Lincoln.
…Right?
Of course not. Of course Octavia wasn’t scared of Raven, but that didn’t help her forget the way that her hand had connected with the skin on Octavia’s cheek over two years ago. The pleading look, the words that she spoke, they did however make her nod. Raven wouldn’t do anything. She would restrain herself if something happened, if Lincoln did anything…or at least she would try her best. No, she wouldn’t try her best. She mentally swore to herself that she would avoid the path of violence.
“Alright,” she said to Octavia. “I won’t do anything, I promise.”
Then, Octavia told her when she wanted to tell Lincoln. Today…that was so soon, but she figured that sooner was better than later, even if being there when Octavia told Lincoln that she was pregnant and that she was planning to give the baby up for adoption was pretty far down on the list of things that Raven had wanted to do this year…or ever, for that matter. She couldn’t see a point in time when she would ever be excited for that- but really; Who would be excited to go with the person that they loved to tell their ex that they were pregnant?
But Raven was going to be there for Octavia. Raven would always be there for Octavia, no matter what. And so she nodded. “Okay,” she told her. “Do you want to call him or something? Once we finish here we can go do it, get it over with.”