I am relieved to know that I am not a golem.

Hi, I'm Chell, a 21-year-old media & communications junior at a tiny Pennsylvania college. All pronouns and pleasantries are accepted. Xe/hir is my favorite. I give up on gender idk anymore. Most people in my life know me as a cisgirl, and that's okay. I'm queer and sex-positive, but no worries, I have a separate blog for sketchier posts. (Feel free to ask for the url.)

[littledidxeknow]

I'm gone now everyone. I'm sorry.

thank you, and sorry. for all of you across the globe that have given me your friendship

thank you mom for being the best friend i could ask for and I want desperately for you to be okay. It's not your fault, you did all you could to raise me and while I was here, I think the greatness that you instilled in me shown through. I wish I could say more but I can't express anything more than my absolute and to-the-core love and respect for you. You gave me hope and support and everything you could and you have done nothing wrong. Keep Haley safe.

Haley, to whom I never showed how very much I loved. I'm sorry for treating you like less of the smart, beautiful person you are. I'm sorry for treating you like shit and hurting you so often. The urge to hurt comes from myself, from problems I had and still have. I love you and you never deserved all I did to you. You're beautiful. You're talented. You are worth the world and then some. 

Dad, I'm sorry that all our connections seem to be like muffled yells between thick panes of glass. I do love you. I just don't know how to act around you, I don't know HOW to love you. You've changed and it's scary, but it doesn't diminish the love I have for you. You're still the beautifully intelligent and creative man I've looked up to my entire life.

Nic i am sorry I broke my promise-- you were the most important being in my life and maybe it was dependence, maybe it was obsession, but either way you made my life burn the brightest it ever has, ever. You pulled my enthusiasm from my core all the way to my skin and though I never shone as bright as you, I felt the warmth of myself glowing through, and all thanks to you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me and you are a good person. An incredibly good and kind person. Please take care of yourself and be as supportive and kind to yourself as you were to me, because you deserve it. I love you Nic, I love you the only way I know how (which was entirely ineffective and abusive) and I love you with every atom in me and they hum and vibrate and sing just for you. I love you. Thank you for every moment I've had with you, thank you for teaching me, for comforting me, for caring for me, for talking me through every breakdown, and for holding me as I fall asleep warm and feeling safe and comforted because of your arms and legs tangled in mine.

But I've hurt too many people. I've physically assaulted my family, my friends, my romantic partners. Every person who's gotten close enough to me has seen the dark and terrible parts in me that do anything they can to hurt whomever is near. My mother, my father, my sister, Alex, Lizzy, Cassie, Zack, Nic, and countless others... they have all expressed me directly that they can no longer handle the painfulness of being a person who is close to me.

To quote someone who's been a victim of my attempted friendship, I am a "psychotic psychic vampire who sucks the energy, caring, and good will out of people." This message was sent January 2011, but when I honestly look at myself in the mirror, I see that this has not changed. If not, it's worsened.

I take and take and then do nothing but hand out pain like candy to those who just want to help. I love these people, but I am incapable of treating them in a way that does not harm them. My love hurts people. My love hurts people. My love hurts people.

Hermithood or death are my options. The former is, technically speaking, incredibly difficult to accomplish and, emotionally speaking, would be lonely and unbearable, trapped with my depression and insanity and memory and pain. And so I have to kill two birds with one stone:

I want to stop hurting people

and I want to stop hurting

I've wanted this literally as long as I remember. Constantly. I know this is going to hurt for you guys. I've hurt you so long and so frequently and so deeply that I need to make it stop, even though I'm aware of the additional pain it will cause you. Consider it ripping off a band-aid. You'll be okay, you all have safety nets and loved ones to turn to.

I promise this will be the last time I hurt you.

[littledidxeknow]

I'm really sorry everyone

elaboration will follow later tonight but I'm just so sorry but band-aids need to be ripped off before things fester and ruin more

[littledidxeknow]

[repsandroots-deactivated2020073]

I’m gonna show you what a girl typically working out would look like versus what you want me to look like (x)

Laughing so hard.

[littledidxeknow]

And here we have Marbles contiinuing to justify my icky yucky get…

[shortforflorentine]

she never said anything about transgendered folks

not once

they’re never mentioned

she’s not talking about them. at all.

i don’t see where you’re coming from with the whole ‘comparing the nonsexualized version to a transgendered person’ thing.

nothing remotely close to that is even mentioned in this video and i doubt that even came into her head once when she was ranting about one dickhead complaining about women not looking like ‘stereotypical’ women.

[littledidxeknow]

“boy-man-girl-lady”

boy

man

girl

lady

Words that get shot at trans people like t shirt cannons on a daily basis.

Intentional or not, using those terms can be painful and triggering to any trans person who happens to be watching the video. Intent, woah, actually does not excuse harmful choice of words.

Examples:

"man that's too much makeup you look like a tr*nny"

Any instance of the word "he-she"

Any kind of rape joke

Even if used in irony or jest, these are hurtful. I continue to enjoy Jenna Marbles for her very self-aware, intelligently backed-up opinions. I just think that she is not immune to criticism and that she will be more careful with her words from now on. If she listens to the backlash she has received from this choice of words, then hopefully the message will be considered in her future humor.

[24ozsteak]

[gunstreetgrl]

bro strider serving up some real shit right here

[miraguey-deactivated20160812]

PERFECT.

[littledidxeknow]

j still can't find  my phone and that's terrible and there's no xanax left and all it di was make my center of gravity wobbly and make me sleepy

m\aybe IR will be better

then I won't have to commit to hours and hours of physical disorientation and exhaustion

I'm seeing double im sleep now

[littledidxeknow]

I JUST CHUGGED 20Z OF HIGHLY CAFFEINATED COFFEE WHY AM I FALLING ASLEEP

[biologicalimperative]

[repsandroots-deactivated2020073]

making a new post so we don't flood the op with reblog

I’m gonna show you what a girl typically working out would look like versus what you want me to look like (x)

Laughing so hard.

[littledidxeknow]

And here we have Marbles contiinuing to justify my icky yucky get her away attitude again!

“boy-man-girl-lady”

Does she really not grasp any sense of how this may relate to trans issues?

Also fuck “ruin[ing] femininity. Sorry fucksuck, Everyone has their own ideals of femininity/butchness/androgyny.

As much as I loved your most recent music video (check it out— can’t link right now) and how it reversed gender roles in popular music videos.

But NOOOOO as soon as the tits are hidden, OH NOES WHERE DID HER FEMININITY GO BRING IT BACK THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE YOU CAN’T JUST SHOW A FEMALE WITHOUT TITS BECAUSE TITS WERE MADE FOR PEOPLE TO STARE AT..

Fuck off. Leave your opinions on presentation/uniform (AND FUCKING TITS WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET ABOUT TITS) out of this.

Continue whispering sweet nothings to your absolutely adorableprecious dog and stuffing sausages into crying men’s mouths set to aggressive R&B. THAT’S what’s gonna make me watch your videos.

[shortforflorentine]

dudet did you watch this video? she’s not being serious

she’s making fun of some asshole who thought that because women look the way they do in the olympics (or any woman who works out/wears a sports bra or anything) looks like a man and ruins femininity and blah blah and she thinks that’s ridiculous. also just because she doesn’t mention how this may affect the trans community or gay or anyone else doesn’t mean she is leaving them out on purpose/is saying anything negative towards them. she’s just giving her quick little two cents about how this guy’s a prick and women aren’t ruining femininity by doing anything

she agrees with you, she’s just angry at this asshole (X)

[littledidxeknow]

Okay I’m gonna give you four words and see if you can figure out why this may be INCREDIBLY triggering to trans people

“boy-man-girl-lady”

[littledidxeknow]

  i get what you’re trying to say thanks, but…

she’s pretending this is something the ASSHOLE she’s MAKING FUN OF would say. because he’s a prick. let’s make this clear: she doesn’t agree with what she’s saying in this gifset- it’s a joke. watch the video. it all makes sense.

also, i’d like to reiterate that just because someone doesn’t make sure to include the entire lgbtqa-and so on community in their discussion, doesn’t mean they’re offending them.  i’m sure she doesn’t mean anything by it. at all. because she doesn’t. honestly, the only person you should be mad at is the dick who wrote the article she’s referring to.

Ohhhh dear it's the IT'S ONLY A JOKE response

I respect the hell out of Marbles, like seriously. But we do need to acknowledge the very triggering things she is prone to say. She has improved over the years, but she needs to be called out. when she messed up.

Just because it's a joke doesn't mean it's not hurtful. Content trumps awkward audience laughter.

It's easy enough to make a joke like "yeah isn't it weird that it happens dudes are kind of assholes for objectifying us like this", but as soon as you start comparing the nonsexualized version to a trangender person. just. fuck. you

I continue to respect the things that Marbles says and intend to keep watching her videos, but she NEEDS to know that wording was over the line.

[littledidxeknow]

what's IR?

xr is "extended release" which is basically a marketing tactic to give a mild sedative that lasts all day. Mild, very mild, but lasts longer oh whoopie.

ir is "instant release, which is ideal for panic attacks when you feel one coming on. Of course, psychiatrists are hesitant to prescripe instant release because of the potential abuse of it.

Honestly I just want an instant release prescription so I can ease my debilitating and lashy-outy anxiety episodes, stop the extreme panic attacks where you feel like you're sinking and your vision tunnels. And, of course, it might be nice to take an over-recommended dose every once and a while to enjoy more exaggerated effects of the chemicals.

[littledidxeknow]

I literally took an entire bottle of xanax  in any method you could imagine over the course of the day and all it did was keep me from crying and put a vague translucent film over the feelings that result from doing the worst thing you could ever do

this xr business is bullshit I need ir or I'm never going to be happy

AND WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PHONE

[matafari]

[repsandroots-deactivated2020073]

I’m gonna show you what a girl typically working out would look like versus what you want me to look like (x)

Laughing so hard.

[littledidxeknow]

And here we have Marbles contiinuing to justify my icky yucky get her away attitude again!

“boy-man-girl-lady”

Does she really not grasp any sense of how this may relate to trans issues?

Also fuck “ruin[ing] femininity. Sorry fucksuck, Everyone has their own ideals of femininity/butchness/androgyny.

As much as I loved your most recent music video (check it out— can’t link right now) and how it reversed gender roles in popular music videos.

But NOOOOO as soon as the tits are hidden, OH NOES WHERE DID HER FEMININITY GO BRING IT BACK THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE YOU CAN’T JUST SHOW A FEMALE WITHOUT TITS BECAUSE TITS WERE MADE FOR PEOPLE TO STARE AT..

Fuck off. Leave your opinions on presentation/uniform (AND FUCKING TITS WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET ABOUT TITS) out of this.

Continue whispering sweet nothings to your absolutely adorableprecious dog and stuffing sausages into crying men’s mouths set to aggressive R&B. THAT’S what’s gonna make me watch your videos.

[shortforflorentine]

dudet did you watch this video? she’s not being serious

she’s making fun of some asshole who thought that because women look the way they do in the olympics (or any woman who works out/wears a sports bra or anything) looks like a man and ruins femininity and blah blah and she thinks that’s ridiculous. also just because she doesn’t mention how this may affect the trans community or gay or anyone else doesn’t mean she is leaving them out on purpose/is saying anything negative towards them. she’s just giving her quick little two cents about how this guy’s a prick and women aren’t ruining femininity by doing anything

she agrees with you, she’s just angry at this asshole (X)

[littledidxeknow]

Okay I'm gonna give you four words and see if you can figure out why this may be INCREDIBLY triggering to trans people

“boy-man-girl-lady”

[littledidxeknow]

how're you doing now?

eh

still able to have feelings and coherent thought

disappoint

[littledidxeknow]

Are you alone or are people with you? Just want to make sure you're being safe.

I am feeling no suicidal urges, and am very calm (if a little nose stuffy), thanks to antianxiety meds. I'm in Clamer, but roommatewifehusbandPiper is elsewhere. I plan to leave the door open once I actually get off my laptop and blast music and play skyrim as earlier promised, to guarantee minimal self-pity and all that that implies.

[littledidxeknow]

I told your sister.

I know, and now I'm talking to my mom. If you were trying to get me in trouble then... uh... my mom was the one who wanted to put me on xanax anyway. She's currently giving my mommytherapy and helping me through this.

Aside from sparing them from the details of my sex life, I don't have secrets from my family.

Thanks for the concern though phourbe

[littledidxeknow]

What the hell are you doing?

....???

I'm trying to get high/barred/chilled whatever until I get on the other side of this tunnel. I know for a fact that if I were to let myself feel all the feelings that come with this breakup then I would undoubtedly and immediately seek suicide. 

I'm being safe, I'm not combining with alcohol, these are 1mg pills.

[littledidxeknow]

You are absolutely fabulous, and yours is one of my absolute favorite tumblrs. I just thought you should know, from one of your random internet followers. <3

I love you too. You're one of my favorite followers. And I mean that!!

Sorry you're subjected to xannyrobot post breakup chell at the moment. I'm actually gonna go tag all my stupid text posts from now on so people can Savior it.

[littledidxeknow]

for the record your art is the coolest that ever was, and your style makes me want to punch my style in the face (both in fashion and in drawing, etc)

nawwwww it's pretty damn generic, and as far as ~fashion~ goes, um, jeans and a t shirt and sometimes a hat stolen from a gentleman friend

but thank

so much

this means a lot