Honestly I don't even know how to start this off nor how to end it, maybe its best to get straight to the point.
Early May this year I was diagnosed with leukaemia, acute myeloid leukaemia or AML to be specific. Since then I've been in and out of hospital, not exactly fun as you would of guessed.
Acute myeloid leukaemia (AML) is a type of cancer that affects the blood and bone marrow. AML is characterised by an overproduction of immature white blood cells, called myeloblasts or leukaemic blasts. These cells crowd the bone marrow, preventing it from making normal blood cells. They can also spill out into the blood stream and circulate around the body. Due to their immaturity, they are unable to function properly to prevent or fight infection. Inadequate numbers of red cells and platelets being made by the marrow cause anaemia, and easy bleeding and/or bruising.
thought this definition may be of help to those who will read this
ill get back to this later
------------16th July 2014 ---- in continuation
At first I was honestly so lost, confused and utterly muddled i mean who wouldn't be right, and I mean there were pretty much no signs or symptoms. well yeah i guess i was tired, fatigued and exhausted even but come on i'm 18 in school, if i'm not studying then i'm on tumblr with you guys, watching films, staying up or rushing my report so yeah being tired is normal, yeah it was normal. following this one of my first thoughts after finding out was that i was so stupid, i mean just so stupid as to why would i need to go and get a blood test. If i didn't get that blood test then i wouldn't be here, i wouldn't be in this situation, i wouldn't know i have cancer, i didn't need to know i really didn't need to know, i didn't want to know, i didn't want any of this. i just felt kinda of dumb and so stupid because somehow my muddled up self believed that by not knowing i just i would of have been safe. after this well i did try my best to be optimistic you know because yes i'm sick and all but at least now i know and that means i can start getting treated asap. Being treated as quickly as possible will give myself a better chance at kicking cancers ass.yeah i should be good and it would all hopefully be smooth sailing from here on and you know In a couple years from now when i've have won this battle i would laugh at myself for all the overthinking and unnecessary thoughts and all.
yeah i might just be able to do so . . .
----------- 24th July 2014 -----
im exhausted and this is all fucking bullshit
------------- 1st August 2014 --------- black and blue
i'm bruising up way too much but hey what else is new
----------- 9th August 2014 --------- to shave or not to shave
but what can i do, yeah absolutely nothing
now should i shave to let it all go naturally
--------- 16th august 2014 - kris is hella fine
well i guess i found out the hard way that i don't/ can't rock beanies like kris or kai ko
yeah it is quite obvious these two slay everyone
they look good in practically everything
bet they look great naked too
------ 19th august 2014 -------------
i'm sorry if this is muddled here and there, i did come back on different days to add in, edit and whatnot, i also had thoughts of just deleting this whole thing due to thoughts that hey maybe my condition will improve yeah maybe this is dumb and unneeded but days have passed and my treatments haven't really showed any different signs so I guess, i guess this is needed after all.
------------ 25th August 2014 ----------
my arms darkened and bruised, theres a lot of holes too, my legs aren't any better either and actually i look horrible overall
-------- 2nd september 2014 ----------
I'm not going to write about my treatments, i think i might be happier thinking and writing about other elements of my days
-------- 6th September 2014 ------ day by day
the days are long and theres not much to pass the time, my friend has been keeping me company though
it sucks because I can't go to school, i quit my job a while ago too
whenever someone ask i do my best to lie, pretend and act everything out
but really i don't get it, some people just breeze through this
they're strong and content with it all
i've accepted where i am but i can't that one thing that makes it easy or wirth
or whatever the fuck it is
------ 20th september 2014 --------
I've been slacking in writing, even though I want to write when i do i remember and right now i really don't want to be reminded, i don't want know and i don't want to be here
-------- 29th September 2014 ---------
i've been spending a lot of my time with my best friend, together we've just been talking, joking together, and laughing and crying. She's comforted me through all of this and i'm just so thankful i have her
it's been better i think, i've smiled more because of her and because of you guys too
september passed just like this
------- 10th October 2014 -------
i remember I wanted to find a source of inspiration and in the end its you
through all of your hardships you never gave up, if anything you rose higher and higher with each obstacle
i'll try but i can't guarantee anything, the doctors can't either
-------- 16th october 2014 ---------- wufans wufam
You know even though I didn't spend all that much time on tumblr, haha I was still able to meet and chat with so many great people. Like how I became part of wufam, really if it wasn't for wu yifan then wow I might not have ever been able to chat with any of you guys. Honestly I feel like it was through Kris that I was able to befriend such lovely people, through wufam i was able to joke and chat and whatnot it all really helped pass the time for me. Apart from passing the time you guys also brought a lot of happiness to me whether it be by our little interactions or through our spam messages. I also really enjoyed all our tagged post, all in all it was great
Thanks guys, for everything really.
------ 18th October 2014 - Not much has changed and everything still seems dim.
It's been a while and now i have pretty much ceased all my post on tumblr, though i do have some random post on queue but yeah nonetheless i'm not posting on here anymore. Though i will continue to visit when I can i guess, just to check up on kris, wufam and just some miscellaneous news too.
-------- 23rd October 2014 -----------
I've been pretty much refusing to write about hospital visits and my treatments due to not wanting to be reminded of reality
i'm tired and this has gone on a bit long for me
mum you're not helping either
---------- 25th October 2014 ------------
i'm too tired for all of this and also it's not visits anymore, it is currently longterm in the hospital now
----------- 29th October 2014 -----------
how many of you have thought and mapped out your death in detail?
it surely might not cross many people but for me it is seemingly inevitable.
how or when it will happen?
it would be painful right or would it be quick and easy? i'm praying for the latter
what type of flowers do i like?
yeah just a couple of my muddled thoughts you know
------------ 1st November 2014 --------
Damn it's been a while, yeah i got a bit lazy but nothing too special has happened, well we had some clowns/performers in the other day but meh
some of the nurses have become a little desensitised to human emotions, but that would be expected in this type of environment.
although there are quite few special ones and those whom pretend to be, that try liven up everything.
though their little actions and words really do bring genuine smiles and short sparks of happiness - even though it might be short lived nonetheless i am thankful
--------- 3rd November 2014 --------- i'm tired now
i met a little angel before
she's just so strong, brave, beautiful and innocent
she doesn't deserve any of this
--------- 5th November 2014 ---------
you know I kind of feel like a kid again watching the simpsons and all these other cartoon over and over again, it really reminds me of when i was a kid in primary
on weekends it would be 7am to watch the disney channel, with thats so raven airing right after
on weekdays right after school i'll head straight home to watch abc kids on channel 2, when that all ends its simpsons at 6 and whatever the hell i had to do as a kid after 6:30
also it's kris's birthday tomorrow
-------- 6th November 2014 - Hey Kris, happy birthday!
I just wanted to wish you a lovely birthday filled with sugar, spice and everything nice (damn kids channels are getting to me ). Kris you really are such an amazing and inspirational person, from your hardships in Korea all the way to your return to China you have done nothing but the best. Your hard work is obvious and all of us, each and one one of your meigeni's can see this. Opportunities really are flying your way whether it is acting, or singing, down to modelling or even an eventual fashion brand, I believe you will do amazingly and you will surely achieve all of your aspirations and goals. While it is great that you are hard working in achieving your aspirations and dreams do remember to always save some time to yourself to spend with friends and family. Please don't overwork yourself and remember to take care of your health.
Honestly Kris you really have become such an inspiration for me, you became one of the reasons for my laughter, tears and the reason why I would look forward to another day. You really have became a source of happiness for me ,although during these past couple months I've been pretty pessimistic whenever I see your photos and news regarding your recent achievements it really does bring happiness to myself that you are doing so well. In overall thank you for all the tears and smiles and thank you for leading me to wufam.
Once again Happy Birthday and best of wishes Kris!
--------- 9th November 2014 -
i'm more tired now then when i was writing kris's birthday entry
i feel like spending the rest of my days sleeping
---------- 12th November 2014 -- the days are long and night is even longer
it's been a while and i guess you guys might have already forgotten about me, but hey that's life
you keep moving forward and those who can't keep up get left behind
----- next entry here ----
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if there ever is a time where this is published then i guess i just didn't make it to my next scheduled date and in simple it means goodbye
blakekathryn
andulkaphoto
dailybridgerton
tangentwithtanner
germansingergirl
2087
turnnoffyourmind
