Professor, I'm a new sub and found a Dom really quickly. But Sir wants more than I'm ready to give Him. At least right now. During our last session I got scared enough I used the safe word. He went a little longer and then asked me if I was sure I wanted to say that. I told Him yes, and then He made me feel pretty guilty so I did what He wanted but I don't know it just doesn't feel right. What should I have done?
Okay, so thereās a lot I want to say here, and I think itās best to do so by recording my thought process as I read through this message:
āProfessor, Iām a new sub and found a Dom really quickly.ā
I canāt say Iām surprised, especially if you got on Fet, CM, Tumblr, or whatever and said anything remotely like āSo Iām a new sub ~gigglez~ and I need a Dom.ā Thatās like throwing chum in the shark tank. The beasts love fresh (innocent and ideally ignorant) meat. So yeah, I have no doubt a predator ā¦ ahem, sorry, an eager ātraining Domā ā¦ found you quite quickly indeed.
āBut Sir wants more than Iām ready to give Him. At least right now.ā
At this point, dear anon, your dashboard should probably be lighting up with warning lights. I know mine is on your behalf. If youāre not ready, you need to tell him. And he needs to respect that. You then move forward in open and honest communication.
āDuring our last session I got scared enough I used the safe word.ā
Iām sorry that it got too intense for you. Even with a very experienced Dom and plenty of preparation this kind of thing can happen. Emotions can surge, memories can flood out in surprising ways, or any number of other unexpected events can occur that require the application of brakes. It happens. Itās okay. It need not be the end of anything but that momentary exchange of power. So donāt stress it. The really good thing here is that you were able to use a safe word and thereby put an immediate stop to what was happening ā¦
āHe went a little longer āā
Safe word doesnāt mean āpump a few more times.ā A safe word means stop. Now. Period. End of sentence. Non-negotiable. Crank the emergency break. Pull the parachute. S-T-O-P.
This is not a gray area. This isnāt subject to discussion. ā¦ Oh shit please donāt tell me he tried to talk you into continuing ā¦
āā and then asked me if I was sure I wanted to say that. I told Him yes āā
Atta girl. But heās a total douchebag for making you repeat it. You should never need to repeat a safe word. You should never need to defend its usage. It is your word of power, and when spoken it should be as the voice of whatever god or gods yāall believe in.
āā and then He made me feel pretty guilty āā
ā¦ so you grabbed his John Thomas and gave it a Silly Putty stretch. Or you squeezed his balls until you felt something pop. Please tell me thatās how this ends. Please. Because at the very least someone needs to kick this manipulating fucker in the testes. Submission is a gift, not a blank check.
āā so I did what He wanted but I donāt know it just doesnāt feel right.ā
Fucking hell. Of course it doesnāt feel right. Because it is NOT right. Not at all.
Listen, what separates BDSM kink from physical abuse and sexual assault can be summed up in a single word: CONSENT. And some dickheadās āI bullied her into yesā is in no fucking way the same as consent.
āWhat should I have done?ā
Look, I wasnāt there. I donāt know if you were in a physical position to be able to boot this fucknutās fucknuts into his vacant chest cavity ā which is the sort of thing he deserves. But we canāt redo the past anyway. So with the usual caveats regarding taking advice from an internet stranger who knows little of the full scope of the situation, hereās what I would suggest you do now:
Drop this guy like the rotten meat he is. Drop him, seal the bag, carry it out to the curbside bin, put the lid on it when youāre done, and then walk away with your head held high, without a glance back or a second thought.
He is not a Dominant. He is an abuser who uses the excuse of Dominance to further his abuse of (presumably) young women. He does not respect you, he does not protect you.
Frankly, this should have ended at āhe went a little longerā ā because fuck no. The core of D/s is trust, and if he cannot be trusted to stop with the utterance of your safe word, he simply cannot be trusted. That he then guilted a new sub into foregoing her every impulse to stop ā that he fucking manipulated you so he could finish whatever he was doing with your body ā¦ Just no.
Not a Dominant. Not a human being. Not someone you should be with.
There are other fish in the sea, anon. It can be hard to find them ā I think itās true that there are more subs than Doms, and it seems like the numbers are getting more lopsided all the time ā but the right man, a good man, is surely out there somewhere. Donāt give up your search. Donāt settle for this poor excuse of a parrot dropping.
And please donāt let this experience taint BDSM for you. It may be that this lifestyle isnāt for you ā it certainly isnāt for everyone ā but I do not think you can use this very wrong experience to judge it.
Last, let me reiterate that I am truly sorry you had to experience this. Get help if you are having trouble coping with it. Talking to folks can be scary, but it is almost invariably worth it. If nothing else, connect with some fellow subs in order to share the stories of the road. Iād suggest looking in particular for the intelligent and emotionally mature ones ā a number of whom might follow this blog ā who recognize that this lifestyle isnāt a kill-or-be-killed rat race, that their victory does not mean your loss.
Whatever you do, I wish you good fortune and well-being.
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