getting something off my chest bc it's been plaguing my thoughts for a few months but realizing that my ex raped me fucking sucked. I was sick, we had broken up, but I was "in love". I always felt weird thinking about it. I didn't understand why it bothered me. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and asking him to stop. Please stop. Just to have him say "but it feels so good" and finish as I laid there and cried. I wonder if he even remembers. The only other time I'm not sure of is when I was blackout drunk. I stole from his mom's vodka and drank alone in the frontroom. He woke up and was pretty shocked to see me drunk. I blacked out by the time he had woken up. I just remember wobbling all over the place. I remember him leading me to his room. I woke up the next morning, not really sure what happened. I asked him. He said we had sex. I don't know if that's true. Maybe he was messing with me. Idk. It's been bothering me a lot these past months now that I'm actually an adult and understand what took place. I can't really talk to anyone about these things. The last time we spoke, three years ago I think, he said he was sorry for being a shitty peson. I told him I couldn't accept his apology. I still had this sick idea in my head, still wrapped around his finger. I don't know why. I wish I had realized then what I know now. I wouldn't have ever met with him. I was pretty fucking foolish. Hopefully just shouting into this void will do me some good. Hopefully I can just forget.
