nothings bigger than love

33

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

Always runner up.

Second best.

Never thought of first.

No matter what the situation.

There's always someone better.

I might be chosen first once; but not before someone better comes along.

Invited out? Never.

Just told I can come if I want.

Fall in love? I don't think it will ever be the way its been before.

I don't want to give up, but I am becoming so unbelievably numb I dont give a damn anymore.

---Nire Anid----

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

I love him.

I believe he loves me.

But there is a lot of inconsistencies.

We talk all day, even through breaks.

Then my line stays quiet and I don't hear anything.

I try really hard to quiet my mind.

But this has happened before.

He's hurt me before.

It does seem different this time around, but than it feels exactly the same.

I am so fucking conflicted.

I don't want to give up.

I know he's struggling right now and it seemed like he was really trying

Now I am lost again.

Wondering where I went wrong.

When all I have done is be there. Just like before.

But that wasn't enough then. And I doubt it will be enough now.

I know my worth. So what am I doing ?

---Nire Anid----

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

Why didnt I delete him after he broke his promise again you ask?

Because I truly believed it'd be different.

I thought he'd finally be the friend I was to him, to me.

That hed finally be there when I needed someone.

Because I worried what if I was the only one that would've answered one night? ; but I blocked him.

I hurt my own feelings by keeping myself open for what?

To quiet the voices of what if?

But what about all hes done.

All the pain hes caused me?

I fucking matter. My feelings matter.

Friend, lover, no. Nothing. None of this is okay.

Empty promises, broken words; over and over.

I've picked up pieces I never even shattered.

Pieces his own friends left to collect dust.

Guess who he he'd end up choosing..

Nire Anid

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

Its okay.

I see it now for what it is.

I never truly mattered.

All I am is a placement.

Birthdays forgot.

Invitations lost.

Just a person when they see me out.

Just when they need someone to talk to.

When its convenient.

Nothing more nothing less.

__Nire Anid__

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

Although I feel I have grown,

And not seem to care that much anymore;

It still hurts.

I can't stop to think whats so awful about me ?

Why am I never included?

Why am I always thrown away?

I want someone, anyone to love me like I love them.

I gave changed my mindset but there is still moments of confusion.

If what ifs and why me?

I want to feel as strong as I know I am.

But I feel so terribly alone.

Nire Anid

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

And just like that, you're right back to where you thought you left.

The feeling of not mattering.

Not being included.

Not even thought of.

Just being in the background.

The urge for you to control the pain comes back.

Nobody to talk to.

Everyone has showed you they don't care.

They can't care.

It's too much.

You're too much.

So you suck it up.

Shove the feelings back down.

And go to sleep.

Nire Anid

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

Even though I wouldnt do it,

The thought still exists.

Its like I want to hurt them how they hurt me.

But truth?

I don't think they'd really care.

I'd just prove how "crazy" I really was.

Its hard to shut everything off, when its been shut off for so fucking long.

And you finally feel comfortable to talk to your friends and you can't.

Because you're too much.

You're always too much.

Nire Anid

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

People say they care.

They say all the right things.

Then you open up, and they leave.

They do what they said they wouldn't.

Become another lesson.

Keep your walls up.

Hide your pain.

Deal with it alone.

They don't even know the half of it.

And they never will.

You have been fighting for so long to stay.

You just wish one person would listen.

Not judge.

And not run.

But it always ends up being just you.

And how can you do this with yourself, when you hate her?

Nire Anid

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

And just like that you're 12 again.

The first time you did it.

The first time to prove you would do it.

Then you couldn't stop.

You were addicted.

The rush, the control, the only thing that made you feel alive anymore.

Your entire world felt empty.

You felt numb.

But it kept you here.

It kept you going.

Everything is a blur.

Just going through the motions and nothing more.

Nire Anid

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

I just want to be chosen how I choose people.

Thought of how I think of people.

I don't feel seen.

Or heard.

I feel like I am just tolerated.

People don't really like me.

I am not worth anything.

Just too sad.

And too sensitive.

Too much.

I feel myself slipping away and I dont even know how to stop her.

Do I want to stop her?

Who would even notice?

Even miss me?

I don't really believe anyone would.

Nire Anid

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

Life has become unbearable again.

Just going through the motions barely getting by.

I feel like nothing.

Completely numb and broken.

I feel like nobody would even notice if I left

I don't mean as much as they say.

I am "too sad" or "too sensitive".

But what if it is all because of how they made me feel.

Nire Anid

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

Ever be out and just think about if nobody ever saw you again...

[oncce-againn]

Real intimacy is when someone wants to understand your triggers instead of blaming you for having them

[wetheurban]

To those who disappear for a while because life feels heavy, you can begin again without punishing yourself. You're not behind. You're human.

[livecarefreeandloveendlessly]

I realize now when people say they care, its just to make themselves feel better;

Make peace with themselves, god forbid anything ever happened.

But in reality, they dont.

Then when shit hits the fan,

Or you're actually, now gone, theyd then love you.

They'd magically all of a sudden give a fuck.

They'd wish they never let you down.

Never lied to you.

Never threw you away.

All the things they wish they could've said, they now can't.

They won't ever be able to.

Cause now, its too late.

They'll tell everyone how much they loved you.

How much you were always there, and checking in.

How much you made sure they never felt alone.

But they will never be able to forgive themselves.

For the way they made you feel.

Even when you let them know.

Even when you told them over and over.

They will live with the lie they told themselves for the rest of their lives.

---Nire Anid----

[guitarplayermrs]

[guitarplayermrs]