Yapping Session… I haven’t don’t this in a while but I need some inputs or like advice, and this is going to be a bit long so buckle up!
I’m turning 18 this year and to me that’s a bit scary. Young adulthood! Amazing stuff. But over the years, I’ve been lazy? Well, I’ve been calling it lazy, because I don’t have a job, I’m not doing anything productive or anything to make myself productive. I’ve just been playing video games, drawing and writing, however, even those things or hobbies or things I’m passionate about I’ve come to slowly put away. Maybe it’s burn out? And need to put things down and find something new, but then again I have this lack of motivation or this feeling of “I don’t want change” and that might be what’s holding me back… this both wanting to change…
And maybe it’s fear, fear of growing up, I mean everyone else seems to know what they’re doing, so why can’t I do that. But I’ve been noticing this disassociation? If we can call it that, maybe I’m making it a big deal, but there’s these moments that are happening a bit more, and I find comfort of being “away” where the world is a blur and only the sound is there, it feels like a warm hug or something like that….and i think it’s because i don’t have to make decisions, have to talk to others, do something or move at all… sometimes i would stay up all night staring and feeling this way; warm, at peace but numb? Maybe.
Same with me going autopilot mode, where I’ll remember being in one class room and the next I find myself at lunch break with friends, it’s as if everything went blank and I hadn’t noticed, but that’s probably nothing as it only happened twice I think…? I mean like WHOLY that’s weird, cause I never experienced that before, but it didn’t mean much to me.
Idk, to be honest. And apparently that’s my favourite saying “I don’t know” I said that to my parents and they shook their heads I feel like weird, like I’m failing them, but usually that’s when I stop hearing them and buzzing sounds come on. And you know what’s funny is the fact they talk about how I’m going to be able to take care of myself, from feeding, doing basic human things. And I agree, how I’m going to when I say idk what I’m doing I life, or the fact I feel worthless in the world of many people that feels the same as me. Sometimes I think I would rather die, than continue on living and I find no guilt in that. I probably should feel guilty though. That my death won’t mean anything beucase I find no meaning that is me. But then aging my parents love me and I love them. I love them so much, but these feeling I wish I could numb them down.
Though, I’ve been lacking things, just that I’ve been doing nothing. And I feel stupid writing here. Maybe I shouldn’t be putting this online, or I should be talking to my parents, but parents are parents and they’ll that it’s just a phase.
And then aging their just feelings, and hell I thought I was getting better, I’ve been to therapy and try to “fix” things. But that was a for a whole other issue. So I find it weird I’m dealing with this, and my parents are calling it a phase and they’re probably right and I just need to get over it.
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