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Spider-Man showing Iron Man around his new apartment Tony: Hm. Peter: Why do you always do that suspicious “hm”? Tony: Because I see a folded blanket on the couch, an empty mug that says Property of the U.S. Army, and—yep—are those pancakes in the fridge labeled “Rogers’ recipe”? Peter: … Tony: Pete. Did Captain America stay the night? Peter: Okay, fine! He came over last night to help me move in. We were up late, he crashed on the couch. That’s all. Tony *mock gasp*: Wow. You had Cap come over. Cap carried your boxes. Cap made you pancakes. And you didn’t even ask me? Peter: I didn’t think you’d want to— Tony: I have robots, kid! Whole army of them! You think Steve Rogers can out-move JARVIS-controlled furniture? Peter: … Tony: I see how it is. I get you an Avengers ID, Cap gets a sleepover invite. Betrayal stings, Parker. Peter: Tony, it’s not— Tony: Don’t talk to me. Talk to your new best friend, Mr. Stars-and-Stripes. Don't expect a paycheck this week.

Peter: Since when did I ever get payed??!!

Damian: You’re insufferable. You smile too much, you talk too much, you land on rooftops too loudly—

Nightwing: Okay, I get it.

Damian: And your acrobatics? Excessive. Completely unnecessary.

Nightwing: Damian, chill.

Damian: Your like a circus act that never ends. Truly unbearable.

Nightwing: Fine! You’re the worst Robin I’ve ever trained. Happy now?

silence

Damian: …Oh.

Nightwing: …Wait, what?

Damian: I just… I thought you could take it. You always let me rant, and you never say anything mean back. I didn’t think you actually— mutters never mind.

Nightwing: …Dame. Hey. Look at me.

Damian: *avoids eye contact*

Nightwing: I just wanted to check if you had a heart in there. Turns out you do. You’re fine.

Damian: …I hate you.

Nightwing: grinning Love you too, little brother.

Jason: That’s it. I’ve had enough. You’re going on my criminal list.

Nightwing: Wait—WHAT? Jason, I’m your brother!

Jason: Exactly. That goes to show you how annoyed I am. Joker? Penguin? Yeah, they’re bad. But you? You’re personal.

Nightwing: Oh come on, what did I even do?

Jason: You reorganized my ammo stash “for efficiency.”

Nightwing: …It was chaos! Who puts flashbangs next to grenades?

Jason: Me! That’s my system!

Nightwing: You’re seriously ranking me above Two-Face right now?

Jason: At least Two-Face doesn’t text me 47 times in a row asking “how’s patrol going :)” with that little smiley face.

Nightwing: It’s called checking in! Being a good brother!

Jason: It’s called harassment.

Nightwing: …So what number am I on this “criminal list”?

Jason: Right under Joker.

Nightwing: …Okay, wow. That actually hurts.

Jason: Good. Maybe next time you’ll leave my ammo alone.

Aquaman: leaning back smugly “You know, not everyone here can say they’re a king. I command the seas, armies of Atlantis, creatures of the deep. The ocean answers to me.”

Superman: smiling “We get it, Arthur. You’re royalty.” Wonder Woman: “It is impressive.”

Suddenly, the Atlantean crown—glowing with magic—slips off Arthur’s head and floats across the room.

Aquaman: eyes widening “…wait, what?”

The crown lands neatly on Batman’s head.

Batman: deadpan “…oh, for God’s sake.”

Aquaman: furious “No! No no no! He’s not even Atlantean!” Flash: laughing “Looks like the ocean just voted!” Green Lantern: grinning “All hail King Batman!”

Aquaman: grabbing at the crown “Give it back!” Batman: pulls it off, shoves it onto the table “I didn’t even want this.”

Superman: chuckling “Bruce, you just stole his entire kingdom without trying.” Batman: sighs “Great. Add ‘Atlantis paperwork’ to my night.”

Arthur just stands there fuming while the League chants:

“KING BATMAN! KING BATMAN!”

Captain Cold: narrowing his eyes “Hold up. Thawne… what did you just say you did?” Reverse Flash: smirking “I… uh… tripped Barry on his first day of school. Hilarious.” Mirror Master: snorts “Petty, but classic villain stuff. Fine.”

Reverse Flash: leans in “Then I erased his science fair project. Kid cried for hours.” Heat Wave: blinking “…bit much, but okay.”

Reverse Flash: grinning wider “Oh, and I whispered in his ear the night before prom. Told him his date was ditching him. He stayed home.” Weather Wizard: eyes widening “You’re kidding me… that’s just cruel.”

Reverse Flash: practically giddy “And the best part? I went back and killed his mom.”

The whole room erupts. Captain Cold: stands up “BRO. Are you out of your mind?!” Heat Wave: “You don’t just say that at the table!” Mirror Master: hands on his head “We rob banks, not childhoods!”

Captain Cold: pointing at him “You’re not a Rogue, Thawne. You’re a walking red flag.”

Superman: “Man, it’s nice to just relax. No invasions, no chaos…” Batman: “Don’t jinx it.”

Darkseid BOOM Tubes in. Darkseid: “Prepare to kneel.”

Superman stands up, ready to fight— Batman: “Sit down. I got this.” Superman: “…you WHAT?”

Darkseid charges a blast. Batman closes his eyes, takes one deep breath… and Darkseid freezes mid-attack, drops to one knee, and just leaves.

Superman: “…WHAT DID YOU JUST DO.” Batman: “Tibetan resonance technique. Learned it in the mountains. Adjusted my aura frequency to cancel his Omega energy.” Superman: “That’s not even a real thing!” Batman: “Worked, didn’t it?”

Superman throws his hands up. Superman: “I’m literally an alien sun god and you get cheat codes from meditation retreats?” Batman: “You’re Superman. I need hobbies.”

Superman just stares. Superman: “…I want that.” Batman: “Sorry. No refunds.”

Batman can fight crime, outthink geniuses, and plan twelve steps ahead of gods. But nothing terrifies him more than… the IRS.

It starts when two very normal agents show up at Wayne Enterprises. “Mr. Wayne, we just have a few questions about… the Batmobile.”

Suddenly Bruce is sweating harder than he did against Darkseid. How do you explain a billion-dollar tank that doesn’t technically exist?

They go line by line: grappling hooks, smoke bombs, batarangs. Each one labeled “research expenses.” Alfred’s filing system is immaculate, but even he can’t spin “giant penny in the Batcave” as a tax deduction.

The agents push harder. Bruce realizes something—if they audit Wayne Enterprises, they could unravel everything.

So Batman does what he does best: detective work. He digs into Gotham’s financial records and uncovers a massive criminal tax evasion ring. Suddenly, the IRS agents aren’t investigating him—they’re working with him.

In the end, Batman saves Gotham not from Joker or Bane, but from unpaid back taxes. Truly, the world’s greatest detective.

Spider-Man thought his web shooters couldn’t get any weirder. Until someone hacked them. At first it seemed harmless—one random beep, a weird click. Then mid-swing, his shooters blast TikTok audio at full volume. Picture Spider-Man swinging into a bank robbery, ready for action, and suddenly “Barbie Girl” blares across the street. Criminals freeze. Hostages look around like they’re in the strangest flash mob ever. It doesn’t stop there. Mid-fight with Rhino? His webs blast the Ohio final boss meme. During a rooftop chase? “Sigma grindset” audio on loop. Spider-Man’s trying to web up bad guys while screaming, “I swear this isn’t me!” But every villain in New York is too confused to even fight back. J. Jonah Jameson calls it “performance art.” The Avengers hear the stories and beg him not to fix it—Thor insists “the pink doll song” is battle worthy. By the end, Spider-Man realizes his most powerful weapon wasn’t strength or speed… it was psychological warfare through cursed TikTok sounds.

I genuinely believe Batman is the only billionaire who knows how to plunge a toilet.

Like, I don’t think Bruce Wayne wants to. I think he has twelve Bat-plungers hidden around the house in case Alfred’s off-duty. But he’s still doing it. Grumbling the whole time.

Jeff Bezos sees a clogged toilet and calls building management. Bruce Wayne sees a clogged toilet and immediately starts calculating PSI and pipe angles in his head.

You just know that man has done full recon on the plumbing of every safehouse. If a hideout has weak water pressure? He fixes it himself. Because “infiltration risk,” but really because he’s too emotionally repressed to hire a plumber.

He’s fought gods, clowns, crocodile men — but if you break a garbage disposal? He’ll fix it. Quietly at 3 AM. In the dark.

And if Alfred catches him with a wrench?

Alfred: “Master Bruce, we have staff for that.”

Bruce: “Not for this.”

It’s always deeper with Batman. Even when it’s just the sink.

Batman has a contingency plan for everyone.

Even Scooby-Doo.

It started after the Man-Bat incident. Now he refuses to trust any dog that talks.

Bruce: “Says ‘Ruh-roh’ is code.” Alfred: “Master Bruce, it’s just a cartoon.” Bruce: “That’s what they want you to think.”

He once caught Scooby sneaking around the Batcave. Scooby: “Raggy sent me.” Bruce triggered five alarms.

He keeps files on the whole Mystery Inc. gang:

Velma: High-level deduction threat. Possibly smarter than Oracle.

Daphne: Too pretty. Distracting. Suspicious.

Fred: Tried to pull off Bruce’s cowl once. Never again.

Shaggy: Reality-bending potential. Allegedly fought a God. Unconfirmed.

Clark: “They solve mysteries and eat sandwiches, Bruce.” Bruce: “So do most serial killers, Clark.”

He installed Scooby-proof sensors in the Batmobile. Just in case.

Because when the unmasking happens? He wants to be the one pulling the mask.

Batman has to babysit the Teen Titans for a weekend.

Alfred’s on vacation. The League is busy. Bruce drew the short straw.

Day one:

Robin keeps calling him “Dad.” Sarcastically. Loudly. In front of Nightwing.

Beast Boy clogs the Batcave toilet. Denies everything. But there’s green fur in the pipes .

Starfire reorganizes the weapons vault alphabetically… by emotion. The Batarangs are under “brooding.”

Raven keeps setting off the magical ward alarms just to “test the integrity of the Bat’s soul.” It’s failing.

Cyborg tries to hack the Batcomputer to order pizza. It backfires. Wayne Enterprises accidentally buys a Domino’s.

Bruce hasn’t slept in 38 hours. He mutters: “I miss Joker-level threats. They were simpler.”

Nightwing walks by, sees the chaos, and just says: “This is what happens when you skip parent-teacher night.”

Batman’s new contingency plan?

Never. Babysit. Again.

POV: You’re the Gotham City therapist assigned to the Joker.

You don’t know who you made eye contact with at Arkham, but now he’s your patient.

He shows up early. Every time. With cupcakes. One had a file in it. He said it was “symbolic.”

You keep the panic button under the chair. You’ve tested it six times this week. No one responds anymore.

One session, he cries about childhood trauma. You nod. Take notes. Offer tissues.

Next session? Laughing gas.

He says: “It’s a metaphor.” You say: “It’s a felony.”

You’ve started journaling. Not for self-care. For evidence.

Batman shows up uninvited between appointments. Not to stop Joker — to ask how he’s doing.

Batman: “Is he opening up? Is he showing growth?” You’re like: “Sir, he tried to hypnotize my ficus.”

At this point, you’re not even sure who needs therapy anymore.

Joker? Batman? …Or you?

Nightwing drags Damian to a carnival.

Dick: “No weapons. No glaring. No threatening balloon artists.”

Damian sulks the entire walk in.

Ten minutes later, he’s annihilating the ring toss. Fifteen minutes later, he has a stuffed bear. Thirty minutes in, he’s double-fisting cotton candy and funnel cake like a tiny sugar-fueled warlord.

Dick watches him try a bounce house. He swears—swears—he hears a laugh.

Damian: “This is stupid.” Dick: “You smiled.” Damian: “I did not.” Dick: “You did. It cracked your whole scary-Robin face.”

Back at the manor, Dick collapses on the couch, victorious.

Dick: “I think he’s finally learning how to be a normal kid.”

Alfred, walking by with tea, doesn’t even slow down: “You’ve merely taught him how to be a different kind of strange, Master Dick. You were a weird child, too.”

Dick: “Excuse me??”

Alfred: “I still have photos of your ‘crime-fighting disco phase.’”

In the hallway, Damian peeks in. He’s holding the bear. It has a tiny black mask drawn on with Sharpie.

Tony’s doing quarterly audits — because Pepper said if he doesn’t, she’s revoking FRIDAY access. Mid-scroll, he frowns.

Tony: “…Wait… I’m the only one getting paid?”

Next thing you know, his Venmo’s blowing up.

Natasha: “For 17 missions. Also gas money. Don’t ask.”

Clint: Invoice attached

Line item 1: Arrow Usage ($85 per arrow, 47 arrows)

Line item 2: Hearing aid batteries (bulk pack)

Steve Rogers sends a polite, hand-typed letter. On paper. Steve’s letter: “Dear Tony, I don’t want money, but the VA rejected my claim for ‘alien battle trauma.’ Could you maybe…”

Thor doesn’t get it. He shows up holding a goat. Thor: “You pay your warriors in coin, yes? I will accept this Costco card in trade.”

Meanwhile, Wanda texts: Wanda: “👀” Followed by: “I lifted a whole city once. Just saying.”

Now Peter Parker is in the group chat like: “Wait… you guys get paid?”

Tony opens the window. Considers jumping.

FRIDAY: “Would you like to process payroll, sir?” Tony (whispers): “No. I’d like to be hit by Mjolnir.”

Moon Knight thinks Animal Crossing is a cult.

Steven buys it for the vibes. Says it’s “charming and restorative.”

Marc takes one look at Tom Nook and blacks out. Wakes up screaming: Marc: “He’s laundering more than bells, Steven!”

Jake? Takes out a loan on the Switch and immediately buys a fake bidet. No explanation. No remorse.

Marc decides it’s time to shut the company down. Marc: “He’s building an empire, one emotionally manipulated villager at a time.”

He tracks down Nintendo headquarters. Prepares a whole mission. Surveillance, infiltration, righteous vengeance.

But then…

He logs in. Just to check Steven’s island. You know. For research.

Three hours later: He’s fishing. He’s crafting a bamboo candle. He’s crying because Audie sent him a letter that said “thanks for always being around.”

The mission is cancelled. Tom Nook wins again.

And Moon Knight now owns three Switches.

Okay but let’s talk about the real plot hole in Star Wars.

You know who knew Luke and Leia were twins?

Yoda. Obi-Wan. Chewbacca. R2-D2.

And none of them said a single thing.

Like — Obi-Wan literally helped deliver the twins. Dude watched Luke get heart-eyes over Leia and just went: “Yes, trust your feelings.” SIR. THOSE FEELINGS WERE GENETICALLY INAPPROPRIATE.

Yoda trained Luke. Watched him abandon Jedi training for her. And Yoda’s like: “Mmm, there is another Skywalker…” That is a cryptic riddle, not a warning!

Meanwhile R2-D2 was THERE for the birth. Has it on video. Watched them flirt. Watched them kiss. Did not beep a single alarm.

Chewbacca? Canonically knew the whole time. Said nothing. Just nodded sagely.

Even after the reveal, no one sat Luke down like: “Hey, buddy. About that kiss. Let’s never bring that up again.”

And Leia? She had the audacity to say: Leia: “I guess I always knew.” THEN WHY DID YOU KISS HIM, YOU ABSOLUTE WEIRDO.

Mid-fight with the Joker — like, middle of the cackling, gas-bomb-throwing, batarang-ducking chaos — Batman freezes. Looks at his wrist computer. Batman: “…No.”

Joker: “Aw, what’s wrong, Bats? Running off so soon?”

Batman, already grappling away: Batman: “I forgot to file my taxes.”

Joker blinks. Joker: “You what?” Batman: “I GOT THE FINAL WARNING NOTICE. Alfred said they called the manor.”

Now Joker’s chasing him. Joker: “NO NO NO YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE IRS, BATS. GO. GO FILE.”

Batman yells back mid-swing: Batman: “You better be here when I get back.” Joker: “I SWEAR ON HARLEY’S HOUSEPLANTS I’M NOT MOVING.”

Ten minutes later...

Joker’s sitting on a crate, sipping a juice box telling GCPD: Joker: “No, I’m waiting. Batman had a federal emergency. You think I’m facing audit for this clown stuff? I got shell companies to protect.”

Meanwhile in the Batcave...

Alfred is typing in deductions: ‘Utility Belt: $12,000. Claimed as “emergency medical kit.”’ ‘Batmobile fuel: medical transport use.’

Bruce whispers: Bruce: “I fight gods. But the IRS? That’s the real fear toxin.”

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