Every year on my birthday, I give myself permission to eat whatever I want. Normally, this means getting ice cream at 11am if I want it, getting a margarita with my dinner, and eating cake on top of it all. It's not uncommon for me to feel sick the night of my birthday, because I often eat things with excess amounts of lactose without a care (or lactaid because I always forget). This year I did pretty well.
My birthday was earlier in the week, and I went to my Mom's house to be with her and my sister for the day. I was already feeling some sort of way, as I had accidentally placed two mobile coffee orders instead of one, and decided to drink them both on the drive. I normally can't consume large amounts of anything, as my ADHD medication makes it difficult for me to eat period sometimes, so I have to be careful. We went to a mexican restaurant and I got these chimichangas with pulled chicken and rice. I ate like three bites before my stomach hurt, so I laid off eating for a few minutes until I felt as though I could have another couple of bites. I ended up being able to finish one chimichanga, leaving the other one for later. Mom pulled out a small bag of sugar-free jolly ranchers from her bag and handed them to me, and suddenly, I had room for nearly half of the bag.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I felt my lower stomach cramp up like I could have to go to the bathroom. I walked past all of the urinals to the stalls (does this feel like the walk of shame to anyone else, or is it just me?) and tried to go, but I ended up leaving the bathroom without a resolution to the pain. We walked around a few shops afterwards, so I was able to get some movement in to promote digestion. However, the pain didn't cease- in fact, it increased. It felt like there were small fires deep within my lower stomach slowly burning outwards, and by this point the bubble guts really started setting in. But my sister insisted we got ice cream on the way home, and who am I to deny my favorite treat on my birthday, of all days.
The ice cream shop we went to did have a lactose free option, however, the flavor sounded nasty. So, I got my normal sweet cream ice cream with some chocolate mixed in and called it a day. By the time we made the thirty minute drive home, though, i wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get out of the car. It's always been awkward telling my mom or sister that I don't feel well, because they always make a big deal out of it. They try to kiss my forehead and take care of me, all things I'm not super comfortable with, especially when I'm sick. So, I made up an excuse as to why I got out of the car slowly, and walked straight up the stairs to my childhood bedroom as soon as I could.
I fell asleep relatively fast that night without an issue, but woke up to deal with the effects of the lactose later in the night. After that, i didn't feel nearly as bad as I had, but knew the lactose was still fighting in there somewhere. After a few more rounds of getting up and going back to sleep, I finally felt normal.
I felt pretty well when I woke up the next morning. My dad had called me and asked if I wanted to get breakfast so he could celebrate my birthday with me as well, and I agreed. I don't normally eat early in the morning because it makes me feel sick, but we weren't going until around eleven so I thought I would be fine. I got chicken and cheesy potatoes, something I thought would be fairly light on my previously-sick stomach. Like the day before, though, I could only stomach a few bites before my belly started hurting due to being overfull.
I stopped immediately when I started feeling the pain coming back from the day before, and asked for a to-go box. I don't have the best relationship with my dad so I definitely don't tell him when something is wrong. He's very much a man that basks in his masculinity and his "mental and physical strength", so any kind of complaining sends him into a frenzy. Apparently no son of his is allowed to have a stomachache out loud.
After breakfast, I promised my sister I would go with her to a crafting place to paint pottery with a group of our friends. My sister and I are very close in age, so growing up a friend of either one of ours was a friend to the other sibling. I hesitantly drove over and participated in the little class they had, trying to hold back the way I felt the whole time. My stomach really was starting to hurt. Not quite bubble guts this time, but just generally crampy and aching.
On my way back home, I told my high school friend I would stop by their house to hang out for a while before making the drive. I wasn't sure if going anywhere but home was a good idea, but I went anyway because I missed them and hadn't seen them in a long while. They'd put together a little birthday bag for me, which they had filled with sugar-free sweets and chocolates for me to snack on intermittently. They'd gotten me a bag of organic gummies (I guess they were vegan too?) that were sugar free, and then a couple of bags of sugar-free chocolate filled with different things. I'd never seen sugar free chocolate before, so I was very excited to try them. I immediately opened a couple of the bags of chocolate and sampled each one, noting that the coconut filled chocolate was my favorite. I then pulled out the bag of sugar-free gummies and popped a few in my mouth, enjoying the splash of tropical flavor that had just been introduced. They were incredible- I don't know where they found them, but I was a huge fan. I didn't think anything of them being sugar free- I just thought they were trying to be conscious of my lifestyle choices recently but wanted to get me some kind of treat. But my experience on the drive home had me questioning my previous belief.
For a while, my stomach actually calmed down. I was able to enjoy my time with my friend and laugh like we used to, and we even played games together we'd spend hours playing in high school. About three hours into being there, my stomach went from fine to very much not fine in a short time. The feeling in my stomach wasn't just pain- it was the strongest case of bubble guts I had ever experienced in my life. I made up an excuse to leave and quickly dipped, unbuttoning my now-tight jeans on my way out the door. It was another hour and a half drive home, and I knew it was going to be uncomfortable, so i put on my comfiest hoodie and reclined the seat a little bit to give my stomach room to breathe. I really didn't know if I was going to have to go back to my Mom's house for the night, as I didn't know if driving was the best idea. Yet, I tried it anyway, as I had to work the next day.
The drive itself isn't that bad- you take the highway the entire time, and then go straight, make a left, hang a right, and you're at my Mom's. Same thing backwards going home, which is easy enough. My belly would not stop gurgling and rolling the entire drive, and there were a few times I was nervous I was going to have to pull over at a rest stop to use their restroom. I was determined to get home, though, so I kept driving despite the growing upset in my stomach. As soon as I pulled into my parking spot, I sprinted up the steps and unlocked my door, making a beeline for my bathroom. It was ugly- truly one of the worst upset bellies I've ever had in my life. I could not only feel my stomach contents rolling through my skin, but i could SEE my stomach tensing and churning from the outside.
I woke up once during the night with another very upset stomach. I was up for about an hour before I was able to go back to sleep (thank god for medical marijuana, it helped so much to manage the feeling enough to allow me a few more hours of sleep). I had to get up for work early that morning, so my stomach was still pretty upset when I woke up. I wasn't able to smoke again because I had to drive into work, and I work in specialized healthcare, so it's definitely not a job I could appropriately perform intoxicated. Regardless, I drove into work just as uncomfortable as I was going to bed.
I was able to shut my office door for most of the day and hide from everyone, allowing me to nurse my sick stomach as I needed, but it wasn't until after four in the afternoon that I felt any better. I was able to go home early and work there for the remainder of my shift as I had no more in-person meetings that day, but it was pretty rough to make it until that point. Each meeting that I had gave me more and more anxiety that my stomach would embarrass me, which would then upset my stomach more. Finally, just a little bit before I was allowed to go home, my stomach decided to calm down.
When I got home I popped a couple more of those chocolates into my mouth, as food finally sounded good again and they were lying out on the counter. I picked up the bag to look at the nutrition information, and that's when I saw it: consuming maltitol in large amounts can lead to digestive issues such as bloating, gas, abdominal discomfort, and diarrhea since it is not fully absorbed by the body. I had just swallowed my second candy when it clicked- if maltitol caused digestive issues, and sugar-free candies had maltitol in them, I had practically given myself a colonoscopy prep without knowing it for the previous two days.
needless to say, sugar free candy is not your friend. It looks like it wants to be your friend, but it's a lying asshole. don't buy that shit unless you want to be fucked up for a week.
