LIVING WITH GRIEF @livingwithgrief - Tumblr Blog

A lily for you

“The only people who think there’s a time limit for grief have never lost a piece of their heart.”

For you, your rose in my heart.

Does it ever get better? Will I ever stop missing you? Days, weeks, months pass and I still find it impossible to accept you are gone, you will never walk through the door again, I will never hear your voice, see your smile, laugh with you. When will it ever get better?

Grief never ends, it changes, it’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief isn’t a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. Grief is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity. Grief is the price of love. The only way to deal with grief is to grieve.

Missing you comes in waves. Sometimes small gentle ones that quietly wash over me. Sometimes one after another, in sets of three or seven that seem to overwhelm me. Sometimes with such strength and power that I feel drowning is inevitable. Missing you comes in waves. Tonight I'm drowning.

To loose someone is impossibly hard, at the time you don't believe it is really happening, your mind is outside of reality, you don't really say goodbye, because you don't really believe they are going. You don't really think your beloved will die. It's after, days, weeks, months and even years after, that it's hard, really hard, trying to learn to live without them, trying to make a life alone. Always trying to find ways to fill the void, the ache inside, the emptiness that is left inside your heart. It's as if your very being has been torn in two, and you are desperately trying to find your way alone.

Being alone

And so it goes on, day after endless day. Nothing changes, every thing remains the same. I go to bed alone, I wake up alone, I face the day alone. Yes I have friends and family, what would I do without them, but it's not the same, I am still alone, at the end of the day I am still alone. All is not bad, I have times that are good, things I enjoy, events I look forward to, family I love to be with, friends I have great times with. But at the end of the day I am alone and I miss you, you are first in my thoughts when I wake, and you are last in my thoughts at night. It is eighteen months since you were with me, it seems a life time and yet it seems as if it was only yesterday you were here. I still can't believe you are gone for ever, that you won't walk up the path laugh and say, "what is all the fuss about I've just been away for a while". All your things are here, your music, your books, your clothes, in fact every thing of yours is as it was, I can't move a thing. Will I ever be able to? I have to accept this is my life now, my life without you, my life alone..

Footsteps in the snow

How you loved the snow. You would wake up in the morning, look out of the window and be so excited if everywhere was all white.

Within minutes you would be out there clearing the paths, building a snow man, "for the kids" you would say.

It has just snowed and it makes me realise again how much I miss you, miss your laughter, your pure joy, your ability to enjoy life, I miss you.

I have taken these pictures for you. These footsteps are for you.

Footsteps in the Snow.

Will it ever get easier? I just cannot face the future without you. How can I look forward, forward to emptiness. What would I give to have you back with me I looked at your photo today, it seems only yesterday since you were here and we were happy.

I am continually finding things to do, places to visit, people to spend time with, when all I really want is to have you back with me. To have you hold me in your arms, to feel your touch, to hear your voice.

Will it ever get easier? Every day is a battle, every day is hard. Every day I miss you. Just at this moment I miss you so much I wonder if I can carry on without you.

It seems like a day, it seems like forever.

I can't believe it will be Christmas soon, the second Christmas without you. I still can't believe you are gone. I can't believe you will never be with me again. It seems like it was only yesterday we were together, yet it seems as if I have been alone forever. There is so much I want to talk to you about, so many things I want to ask you about. I just want to be with you. I don't want this life alone, this life without you. I don't want a future in which you have no part. I don't want to be the one left. I don't want to move on, I want life to as it was when we were together, I want you back with me. I have no choice, you are gone, you will never be here again. Nothing anyone can say of do can make it better. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Out of the mouths of children.

"Henry is really lucky to have a Grandad. My Grandad died, he had cancer." Oh how I wish you were still here to be with our grandchildren. To talk with them. To go bug hunting. To play football. To build castles. To read stories to them. To surf. To listen to music together. To paint pictures. To walk hand in hand. But most of all to talk. They miss you so, so much.

Tears within

I feel such deep sadness, I try to hide it, I try not to let it show. Sometimes I don't feel sad. Then I remember you are no longer here. Sometimes I am out and happy, I forget for a moment you won't be at home waiting for me. Then I remember and the sadness returns. Sometimes I paint or crochet and I forget you are no longer there to show things to. Then I remember. I found a page of your writing today, a list of films you wanted to watch, a list you had written so I could order them, it was as if you had just given it me. I used to laugh at all the lists you wrote, lists for everything. Sadly you will never write another, and I will never throw that one away. The deep deep sadness is never very far away and it takes very little for it to burst to the surface, for the tears within to trickle out.

I really wanted to hear your voice today. I just wanted to talk to you, I just wanted to hear you, to just hear your voice. I wanted to hear you shout, to hear you sing, to hear you talk. I really want to talk to you, to have you talk to me, to have a conversation, to have an argument, to have a discussion, to hear you, just to hear you. How can I face the rest of my life without you, how can I bare never to hear you again, never to hear your voice, never to hear you call my name, never to hear you say, "you're my beauty, my dark haired beauty". Never ever again to hear you.

Each day a new journey, how true this is. How hard it is to have to travel a new journey, a journey that wasn’t wished for, a journey that wasn’t planned. Step by step, each day, step by step.

Things feel bad at 2.30 in the morning when sleep seems a million miles away. My mind is all over the place. My thoughts are out of control. If only I could just touch you, if only I could just feel you next to me. It is hard, so hard. Friends say, "you are looking well, you are doing well." I am trying, I am keeping doing things, I am not giving myself time to think. But at 2.30 in the morning there is no escape from the thoughts and tears that overtake me. Death is so final, there is no escape, there is no second chance. Nothing and no body can make things better. There is no coming back from death.

Two birthdays have now passed.

Two birthdays without you.

Two birthdays and you not there, not there to say, "stop making a fuss its only a birthday", but really enjoying having the family round you singing happy birthday.

Happy birthday my love.

Happy birthday Dad.

Happy birthday Grand dad.

We love you, we miss you, you will always be with us, never forgotten.

Happy birthday to you.

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