It is freeing to be honest in therapy. Things I don't or can't say to anybody else, things that are embarrassing or that people may judge me for, MY OWN THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD. I can say "my disordered eating thoughts have been coming back really strong and I'm actually afraid I'm gonna slip back into it, I've already tried" RATHER THAN "im over it, im weight restored, i eat just fine so it's going well" And my disordered brain HATES it lmao... im here on my own, in my world, in my life, and i want to find a way to stop eating. I think of how to do it without anybody thinking anything of it. I engage in compulsions and hyperfixate on organizing my drawers and shelves and papers. I spend hours putting it together the perfect way, the most efficient, effective, and well-composed system. And in therapy I rat that fucker out. I can talk about how all of those hours in my office surrounded by binders and file folders felt So nice - and that I didn't finish any of my important work. The disorder can't convince me that this is a reasonable course of action. Even though right now I'm very deep in plotting how to eat the least amount possible, convinced that this is an important thing that i need to do, a desirable thing, so i must protect it and keep it secret to reap the benefits without interference - I'll turn around and tell my therapist "I've been having disordered thoughts and my behaviors are normal but I'm worried it's going to come back" (because i KNOW that it is lying to me, and that it's a good liar, and that there's a good probability that left to my own devices the disorder would be able to convince me again that it is a totally normal and okay thing to just stop eating and obsess about it. It's an abusive disorder, it's actively manipulating me into damaging myself. To want to destroy myself. But it's so seductive and hard to resist, i know I'll end up going back...) Anyway I can tell Megan "hey this monster is trying to kill me again" and it's like, the best feeling to just betray the disorder and get it out there. I'm looking forward to going through that workbook again. I'm looking forward to therapy again.
