Moving past the feeling

[lizziepus]

We meet at Lauren’s at 9. I take a drink and Gonzo is talking to Michael about the pills he had. I mentioned earlier that day that i wanted to take one. I wasn’t sure if I was actually going to go through with it, I usually chicken out of things like this, but I did it. I enjoyed the shit out of it. I took it in the hotel room, and I was waiting for a while for it to kick in. I guess it didn’t take all that much, maybe about 15 minutes. WE arrived at the Cosmopolitan and as I was leaving the Taxis all i could hear were my steps. I felt like I had the loudest horse shoes. I don't remember walking to the club. I seemed okay until we actually were standing in line to get in. I began to lose my shit. I was telling Gonzo, this isn’t a good idea. I shouldn’t of taken the pill everything just is tensing up on me. I felt like I was sweeting already and my stomach was hurting. He told me to trust him and take his hand and that he would take care of me. As soon i got into the second station of the check in, (where your hand gets stamped) i was trying to show the dude my purse. He seemed a little annoyed because he said, “why are you showing me that, they just checked it” I don’t fucking know man, at this point I felt like a zombie. Buuuuuttt as soon as we got into the club the doubt dissipated. I held onto Gonzo’s hand and he led the way. Anytime I would say, “My love I can’t do this” He held on tighter to my hand and somehow that worked. Apparently he was trying to center the attention to my hand so that I would be able to concentrate on something and not lose myself in the details. They also had free drinks for the ladies at the club, not that it actually mattered. What I was excited about was the jug of water that I’m pretty sure I would’ve finished if i was left there alone with it. I had so many cups of water and the ice felt amazing!  I had an urge to chew on something and it was refreshing. Like a jumping into an ice cold waterfall during a hot summer day. I remember people freaking me out. Everyone was loving up on each other and it seemed a little weird. So I began to walk around them, like a vulture or something grabbing water any chance I could get. We somehow managed to lose everyone because I kept having to go to the bathroom. I fell twice on my way to the bathroom, like a baby horse trying to walk. I fell with my legs opened and inward, it was pretty strange. Its even more strange because its not like I was stumbling or losing my balance. I was walking just fine and then I would eat shit. Anyway we were finally beginning to look for the people that we came with. I found Lauren all the way in the front of the club, I tried to make my way up to her and everyone seemed like they were trying to beat my ass. People get very territorial over their dancing spaces. As soon as I get to her she tells me that Val is lost and drunk somewhere and we have to go find her. Apparently I was ready to do some saving because I envisioned it like the Hangover except the complete opposite. It wasn’t much of a missions because 5 minutes later her bf tells us that she’s in the hotel throwing up. Had I known she was taken care of I would’ve stayed at the club. Im not much of a good friend when it comes to friends. I mean if someone is there for you, you really don’t need the other 4 people to come to the rescue. Maybe just one other person will be cool. And then the thing about girls with boyfriends is that girls can’t go anywhere alone because, “What if something happens to them” “What if they don’t know they’re way around” Always something. And if their boyfriends let them go alone they're the jerk. So it's a double edged sword. You can either be a dick by letting her go alone, or you can be a dick while you're there.

We start making our way out, Alex is pissed as shit because he doesn’t want to leave. And I’m just having a blast, even just walking around is exciting. We’re talking to people. I begin asking everyone for directions. This social butterflies emerges out of me. Im loving the way Gonzo is feeling.I feel like just hugging him and making out with him. Everything just felt so amazing. I was so fucking happy just being with him and spending time with and actually experienceing this with him. There would be moments that we would fall behind just because I would get lost in him. Literally lost in him. I wanted him to feel how much I loved him and I felt like he wasn't able to. (All this love that I can fill like a hundred other me's and it still wouldn't amount to the love I have. I always want him to feel it. I just want to put him in my love bubble so I can protect him and he never has to deal with any pain or bs because he doesn't deserve any of it. He is just everything for me. I've never been so eager to start my life with someone.)His confidences emerges and the way he would talk to me was so fucking sexy. I literally put all of my trust in him and he did not fail me. He took care of me, 100%. I am so in love with him. When we went back into our room making out with him was my favorite. They were these soft gentle kisses. but i could feel them all over my body. It was seriously everything I wished my Vegas trip to be. A little more dancing but eh that’s okay.

[lizziepus]

Everything is falling apart. I wanted to convince myself that this is what I want to do, but I don’t. I still don’t. I would’ve have hoped that I would have had something figured out by now. I have no drive to continue my education. I would have really rather of been a therapist, but fuck. I simply dwell on the idea of having to complete so many research hours or internship hours. I begin to remember the shitiness of not being able to have a job because school was all consuming, and when I finally graduate I still am unable to find a job because I never worked/ received experience while in school. This shit is a fucking joke. I want to have a good time with people. I don’t want to deal with people’s bullshit. I want to serve you tacos when you're drunk as shit on a Friday night. I want to go to sleep late and wake up late. I want to have lazy Sundays and not have to worry about parents that believe that their children are falling behind developmentally. I don’t want to have those conversations, you know why? Because they usually don’t care anyway. They will much rather blame you for not teaching them correctly, or not giving them enough paper work. I am not meant to be rearing children around like a fucking circus. I would rather hustle in  a different form. It’s a fucking gamble. But damn, it sounds so much better. Let me worry about cooking your meat the right temperature and greasing you up so you don’t puke the next morning. Let me provide those late night munchies. It might be scary to be robbed, but I miss the rush the restaurant always provided. People were easy, even if they were a pain in the ass. 

[lizziepus]

12:54

I’m at my weakest point. My body, it feels frail. It feels as if someone literally took all the energy and sucked it right out of me. My muscles are resilient. They move with me because they have to, not because they chose to. They are in pain, they are tired of the whole charade. For once, they’d like to simply stay still and say Fuck you. But they don’t. They are in it until the end, and will continue until they make amends. It’s irony at it’s peak. I’m drained physically but my mind won’t shut down. My mind wants to explore the realms of tomorrow and eternity. It wants to reach outside this tainted world far beyond what’s tangible. For once in my life I feel complete. I’ve been able to face everyone who hurt me and at last accepted it for its face value. There is no sense of lingering curiosity, because when you know, you just know, so you let go. And it’s thee most cliche thing any one can ever say but it’s the most magnificent feeling anyone will be able to tame. The ability to simply say, “I know” without a reason, based on pure emotion, based on pure interaction, based on pure chemistry. It-is. Fucking. Amazing. Even more so when there is no theory behind it. But when there is, they will kill the beauty of it. Just how they have done with everything tasteful in this world, burn it to pieces, corrupt it to ashes, fight over it like animals, and let it die.

[lizziepus]

This One’s for You

For the one who will blame me day after day for taking away from them something that was never theirs to begin with. For the one who tries time after time to find a flaw in me and convince others of it. For the one that is so caught up in their own trivialities that they feel the need to rant and rave about how better well rounded they are as individuals. For all the projections people will throw onto me for their unresolved issues. Sometimes it’s hard to stand strong and block out the negative energy that’s trying to enter your life. I still have hope for society, I still believe that every single one is a beautiful individual. And as much as you want to bring me down, I will still love you. I will still open my heart to you because everyone is deserving and worthy of it.

[lizziepus]

I’m tired I having to be the one who gives a shit. Every time, it never fails, that people have an excuse for their actions and I’m fed up. For once I want to hear someone say, I fucked up, sorry. That’s it.

[lizziepus]

Producer

Reviewing this film, carefully trying to edit and perfect it. Take by take. Capturing the still images, embedding them in my head, ( they will later be deleted). Correction in Error: Defects. It’s guaranteed that not everything will make it in the end. What you view is Perfection at it’s best. Over the years I’ve come to realize that the uncut/ raw/ unedited takes are the best asset. These extra scenes are what capture the audience’s attention just a little longer. They are what make this motion picture worth viewing. What first appears on the screen may seem grand, but the deeper you dig the better is suddenly becomes: Astonishing, Unpredictable, unexpected, usually leaving most at awe. And the audience will soon be found asking themselves, “Why didn’t this make it in the final cut?It goes far beyond what they have attempted to portray."

I’ve cut out some of the greater things in life to keep it at a likable pace; selfishly. Unwilling to employ anyones insights, let alone distribute them where most needed. I’m sue it won’t turn out to be half as bad. In the end you’re always the critic. In the end, I will have to step aside and allow you to make all the final decisions. Replay this envision, Review it, Edit: Correct all my living flaws, REproduce it, Shape it. Make it what you wish, so when others watch it they’ll be left with thee impression that I lead a decent life. Leave out those times that I cried from disillusionment, the nights where I lost myself in a mess of details debating whether or not I did the "right thing.” The fact that I doubted and pitted this lifestyle every minute of the day. You have an artistic mind, do what you have to do to make this come true. Lie if you have to. All I ask is that you make it believable, that you do this passionately, that these shadows of empathy be lifted upon from me. To let go and live and so peacefully.

[lizziepus]

Yea Well

These four walls are beginning to consume me. My heart is coinciding with the weather and becoming gloomy. Inch by inch, they begin to cave in. Losing myself in my own misery, forbidding any sense of warming. People, you can look the other way, I can careless for contact, not today. You can’t make anything better, as much as you’d like to. I’m not three, I don’t need the sugar coated lies to make me feel free. I need the bare truth to feel true. At any given expense it’s better to hurt  than to “recover” in an unresolved mess of hope. You can only have so much faith, until you fuck it all and smoke right through an eighth. Expanding your mind, some need advice, others just need an outer body experience to see through their third eye. See not everything is crystal clear, but it does not mean that we should panic and run to others in fear. But anyway, tomorrow is a different day. 

[lizziepus]

Follow Closely

Flowers, balloons, pedals that lead you to a room, chocolate covered strawberries, champagne and the whole charade. You make it into a room and they watch you swoon. Romanticism is what we expect, maybe more, but certainly nothing less. We want to be the lucky girl we see in movies. They do such a great job at epitomizing love scenes as something warming. Leading every young girl to believe in a love story. We forget the scripts are fake and the creators sole purpose is to encourage you to take that leap of faith. And so it is.

These ideas lead to obsessions, love turning into infatuation. If you don’t find someone soon you’ll be doomed. And if you have someone don’t let go for if you do so your heart will turn into stone.

Don’t believe the hype, just make it worth your time. You don’t deserve the best, you’re not the damsel in distress. You’re an individual with an illuminated mind. You have to take care of your own before entering the world of the unknown. The line is never clear, you may slip, you may stumble, and it may feel as a rumble. But once that milestone is complete, you won’t have to worry about spending another day on your knees. Genuinely do what you please, Genuinely do what you please.

[lizziepus]

Five Years

On your knees is how you came and I was there to alleviate your pain. I understood. I helped you forget, helped you remember what is was to feel sane. We patched up the past to ensure that next time it would be sure to last. Little by little we collect our steps. There’s foliage in you’re hair, I don’t like to pick it out, I just like to stare. The winds breath is cold, and we shiver together to keep warm. Whisper your thoughts so I can read them in the dark. And perhaps I’ll do the same, Create this storyline out of bark. And in the snow, I’ll bury a note. And when you’re hands become too frozen to proceed, you’ll be able to lay them upon these rosy red cheeks.

Crisp leaves are working as confetti. The Northern Lights illuminate the night sky. Fluorescent beams of violet intertwine with shades of grey. Do Delay. Be Brave. Sit Still. For a moment, for the azure rays. And we’ll end the night like old times, ruining each others yawns in hopes that we’ll soon be strong enough to make it past this dawn.

[lizziepus]

Recycle

I have no idea what to write about. I’m starring at this stupid screen rambling on about shit. I hate asking questions, but it happens too often. I have multiple personalities. No, I just have one very eclectic one. I don’t care to be the same always. No one likes a static character, it makes it boring and unchallenging. Life is no fun without a challenge. I don’t intend to hurt, but sometimes it just happens. I’m fair, I don’t do things out of spite, I try to find the better in people, because I like hanging on to that hope. People are deceiving, people are misleading, but it’s often easy to distinguish the ones that are mischievous. I don’t believe in revenge, I believe in making amends. I don’t think life is long enough to be dwelled on certain people or certain situations that bring one down. If people rain on your parade don’t drown, grab some umbrellas and hit the town. Create something grand out of a mess of details. Explore your mind and understand your surroundings. Be strong don’t let these winds drift you into valleys of sorrow rather into an ocean filled with hope and a better tomorrow. Love will prevail. You don’t have to be a fool to have a welcoming heart, you simply have to distinguish the tools. There are limits, there are boundaries, imaginary lines that you don’t cross. At this age, you know what they are, whether not this “feeling” is great enough will determine whether you cross them. Substances are the first to blame, “Oh well, I had a little too much of this, a little too much of that, I don’t remember what happened.” Yea, get over it. You’re in charge of your own actions. There’s no one to fool, so put away your appalled reactions. Take care of your own, there’s ends to meet and inspiring faces to greet. I’m not a snob, not a know it all, simply raw. I come on strong. I don’t need an award, Just a life with meaning, worth living for. 

[lizziepus]

You’re Golden

“Hopefully it occurs to me, that there’s one thing that I can’t stand. That’s the thought of one single day without your head in my hands.”

My Morning Jacket.

It’s so funny how a single person can have the greatest influence over you. You don’t want to give up, because you know that they don’t want you to. They have high hopes and you don’t dare let them down. In your heart, you love that they have the faith that you lack. You respect them for not giving up on you when you no longer have a clue. It doesn’t matter where they are, dead, alive, here, or there. It’s fucking beautiful.

[lizziepus]

Dream

My brains at war with itself.

It refuses to place things in chronological order.

It’s becoming rusted and old, and forgets how to do so.

Time and memories continue to fight on who’s right.

Bomb’s away, it fills the sky with ashes of gray.

It all begins to crumble down, story after story,

this thing you call living has become simply blurry.

Trying to walk down memory lane, everything’s been erased.

Neither team won, there’s not a victory song to be sung.

As I begin to reach the end of the road,

I meet this little girl that goes by the name of Rose.

She resides in a treasure chest bold and covered in this vibrant gold.

She recited dated entries. The pages she held so proper and neat,

were smeared with the delicate ink.

As she read theories unraveled, something as amazing as time travel.

My own history was no longer a mystery.

She blessed me, gave me jars full of ambitions and dreams,

sent me on my way to a new found country.

[lizziepus]

Listen & You Will Hear

This is what I’ve been waiting for all summer long. A glimpse of the autumn equinox. I feel the chills forming on feet working their way up to my spine, reaching my neck, every single hair stands still. They wait for the signal, and embrace the thrill. My hands, they crack as the wind tries to hold them. The cuts begin at the pinky and the little blood that is shed is my sense of reality. Because at this point, nothing else matters. I’m through with the summers heat and dramatic up beats. Nothing is more beautiful than loneliness. And I don’t mean melancholy, or depression, or complete isolation, I mean true Independence. It’s a beautiful virtue; to cut all ties and truly listen to your heart and mind. The true friends that get you through the day. 

[lizziepus]

Sur

There’s times where you drink to forget. A drink to remember, to take you back to a blissful time. A moment in you’re life where you never wanted to leave but somehow managed to escape. A time where we once killed ourselves drowning in agony. We look back, we elaborate, we interpret, and most importantly we accept. We realize that this is what happens. Emotions they change, every single day. Some days they drag, every minute of the day seems like an hour in ours. Other days pass us before our eyes and we crave that extra time. But they happen and will only continue to happen. It’s the roots, the content of which our personalities derive from. We can only embrace and bask in the moment. Learn from our failures and put forth the effort to avoid such sorrows. Whatever it may be, feelings they come and go. (Son cosas de la vida. Se entienden, se descutan, y se resuelvan. Y la vida continua. No hay necesidad. No vale la pena. No hay que enojar, solamente hay que amar. Ay que abrir nuestras mentes a cosas que son sujetes de cambio. La vida no es para siempre. Hay que experimentar con todo lo que se encuentre. Cualquier opportunidad para crear una emocion diferente, Dejarlo ir de todo. Viviendo en el pasado nunca dejara que aprecies lo que esta en frente de ti. We love and we assist. Create a better environment for those who need it and embrace it when it’s your turn to receive. The little things that make you smile, the notes that you create that will linger in your mind. 

[lizziepus]

3.41

7.29.11

Sometimes, when you’re sad, you have to go back and revisit the happy thoughts that you once possessed.The nights that you couldn’t sleep because you couldn’t believe what had just happened. Something suddenly becomes too good to be true. Or those days where you’re flushed with anxiety, a stream of nervousness rushing through your body, fear of the unknown and relying on that marvelous intuition. The weak will try to poison your mind, but your cognition is greater than theirs combined! Don’t hate, don’t retaliate, simply love unconditionally and be understanding. Everyone deserves to be happy, no one is at fault for their actions. Our environment influences us, the need to belong will shape us. We can’t judge people for playing their role in nature and acting human. Some take longer to process and grow, while other will remain static without an ounce of maturity to show. Do without the poor and enrich yourself with the genuine souls. Establish bliss and make that feeling part of your own. 

[lizziepus]

Arcade Fire.

Where should I begin? My mind is drawing blanks and all I can think of is adjectives because composing a sentence wouldn’t suffice. It wouldn’t make any sense. Moving, Inspiring, Exceptional, Amazing, Phenomenal. Shall I, proceed? It was about the Atmosphere. It was about a crowd so engaging, yet so comfortable. Dancing with each other, yelling at the top of your lungs, trying not to drop the people from up above. One of thee absolute BEST! 

[lizziepus]

Procrastination 6.11.11

I have a sour feeling about this. Learning never takes place with pulling all nighters, but the subjects aren’t interesting enough to be given a chance. I hate feeling like a zombie but it’s starting to become automatic. There’s never enough time in a day and killing yourself, just making it through the day is all that’s left. So, long as you have a reason to smile and something to look forward to. So long as your killing yourself for something grand. But people will always make excuses, there always is. We all want to work for something grand but chances are, not nearly half of us will achieve it. I don’t think college is something to look up to. It’s a safety net, if you really love something and are passionate about something you wouldn’t need a damn paper to prove it. You’d know the subject inside and out because you’d be genuinely interested in it. You wouldn’t be pulling all nighet-ers because you had to, You’d be pulling all nighet-ers because you wouldn’t be able to stop what you’re doing because your so God damn engaged. I’m tired. I’m sleepy. I have greater things to plan and look forward to.