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[ljah1029]

People Always Leave

All I needed was for you to stay. That's all. I never wanted you to be 'mature', I never asked for a big house on a hill, I never even said you had to marry me. All I wanted was someone who would stay. I have had so many people come and go from my life without a thought and I finally had dared to imagine I had found someone who essentially wasn't a quitter. All I needed was for you to stay. My past has been a mountain range, up and down, but it's had more valleys than peeks--which is fine, you learn to live with it--but all I needed was someone who was going to stay. I'm the kind of person who never stops trying even when it is pointless; some people call it hope but it's more of me refusing to be the one who throws in the towel. I never give up on people unless you stuck a knife in my back and twist it in which case you are then dead to me. But surprisingly enough, even then I won't completely give up on you. I never can bring myself to give up, I can never bring myself to give in and I sure as hell can't bring myself to let someone go, even if I should. I should let you go; I should let you live your life and leave you alone but here's the thing, I can't. I want to stop loving you so badly. I want you to disappear completely and never pop up again. I want you to move halfway around the world so I don't have to see your face everywhere I look and be reminded of you every time I go somewhere or open my mouth. Damn you. Damn you and your stupid expectations of yourself. Damn your unrealistic future world. It doesn't work like that! I never wanted to be on your mind every single second. I never asked you to be perfect because that is something I never expect of anyone but myself. All I wanted from you was for you to stay but you didn't even let me fight. You didn't let me argue. You didn't let me stand up and say 'this is what I want and you're not taking it from me!' So damn you. Damn you to hell. It's never going to go well for you if you don't understand what the other person in the relationship is expecting. And I was expecting nothing. All I wanted, all I asked for, all I would have begged for was for one thing--for you to stay. You say someday you'll try to make it up to me and I believe you will probably try but it doesn't work like that. You can't break someone and then expect them to come back when you finally figure your life out. I'm going places, I’m trying to build my future and I can't wait for you to understand this strange thing called commitment. You could have had me till the day you died but you can't see past tomorrow. The right here. The right now. There is more to life than drinking away your weekend and sleeping with girls. My life is far from perfect. I never asked you to grow up though. I am quite alright with a bit of immaturity and rambunctiousness. It almost brings me back to that former imaginary world. But reality always snaps me back. I don't care that you drink and do some drugs, I don't like it but I would never force you to stop or give you an ultimatum. If you stop I want it to be because you are finished and you don't want to do it and I would have come along for the ride if you wanted and made sure you got home safe. Because in my mind you were worth waiting for. You are so much better for me than any stuck-up 'mature' guy could ever be because you would keep me young. There is so much we could have been but you walked away. That's your choice and I could have argued. I could have fought. I could have screamed and begged and pleaded. But that's not what I need. I need someone who wants to be here for me, who wants to fight for me and put in the time it might take to win me over, because you didn't win me over, not completely. I can't say I deserve someone like that but I will always fight for the people I love and I need someone who will do the same no matter what. I need someone who will stay, no matter what. So I'm telling you now, all you had to do was stay. This crazy idea that you ask too much of me is just that. It's crazy. Relationships are give and take. Asking me to wait and take a step back isn't asking too much because calling you at midnight to come bring me bacon and Doritos wasn't too much for you. I have much to give but little to offer and I wish you would just see that there is more to love than this running that you're used to. And trust me, I am the queen of running away from things. I'm the queen of Passive Agressiva so I know that running is easy. My instincts constantly tell me to run. Every time I was with you, my instincts told me to run because if I ran then there was no chance of you hurting me. I almost wish I had listened then but I didn't and I fell madly in love with you. I never would have fell in love with you if I had decided to run. Granted I also wouldn't be completely broken, but you win some you lose some. I just hope someday you stop running because as much as it helps it also stops you from living and experiencing life as a whole. From really experiencing love. 

[ljah1029]

What is Beauty?

Is beauty something definable? If you look it up in a dictionary, it comes up as something that is pleasing in aesthetic appearance, usually related most strongly to sight. But beauty is so much more complicated than that, there is different kinds of beauty, so many different types. For example, there is beauty in nature. The early morning dew on the blades of grass, the cresting sun over the mountains, the splendid scent of a valley of wildflowers, the sweet silence of the woods, the sliver of the moon, or the twinkling stars on a late summers night. Even the rushing of a babbling brook, the Owls call late at night or the moment when a butterfly takes flight. All of them are beauty in their own way, but what connects them? What makes them beautiful? What about people? Sometimes you will just see someone and know they are beautiful, or some people you know are beautiful people, some on the inside and others outside, or sometimes even both. Some people have beautiful hair, chiseled  cheekbones, stunning statures or unbelievable eyes, others have beautiful words, delicate spirits, refined love or graceful gratitude; all beautiful in their own way. Then there is beauty between people, the beauty of falling in love, of the absolute, undeniable connection between two people who would do anything to be with the person they love. Or the beauty of friends, two people who share everything and know everything, the incredibly good and the undeniably awful, but still love each other. The beauty of the love between a mother and her child that can span unlimited time and countless miles but is still undeniably there. The beauty of putting someone else's needs and wants before your own desires no matter what, the beauty of selflessness.  Beauty can be found anywhere and anytime, but what makes something beautiful? Is it really that your eyes perceive it as beautiful and your mind agrees. But I don't think for one second that it's that simple, for what one person sees as beautiful another sees as nothing more than plain or even repulsive. Ones experiences and choices change what they see and perceive, but they also change how you see the world. You can always look at the world as something beautiful or something ugly. If you've always lived with hardship the beauty in the everyday world can be easier to see, but if you've been groomed with extravagance, everyday beauties can seem insignificant. From what I can see, beauty is entirely a choice. It's like choosing between seeing a glass half empty or seeing a glass as half full; you can choose to look into the world and search out the beauty or you can choose to search for the ugliness.