AroAce Thoughts

Things I should get out of my head

[llamamonger]

It was about a month after my QPR friend got out of rehab that they finally made & kept plans to see me. They invited me to their house, with their mom & brother, to have tacos. They apologized for putting me off this whole time and wanted to make it up to me. We spoke on the phone briefly beforehand, but I was still so nervous. But seeing them again and hugging them, it felt as natural as before. But there was something I still couldn’t settle. I like their mom & brother, but with everything going on in my life & at the end of a very long day in the middle of 3 days on very little sleep, and after waiting almost 9 weeks to be with my friend… It was just so much work, and I was so emotionally fragile underneath my mask that I couldn’t dare let it drop. So it wasn’t the reunion I was hoping for. I was sparkling company, but it was a threat response. And all I wanted, more than anything, was to just sit with my friend alone & tell them I wasn’t actually doing well & just be held & feel safe like I did before & regulate my nervous system again. And I feel selfish for that.

For the past week, I’ve hoped to get a chance to be alone with them, but they haven’t been able to keep any plans we’ve made and won’t respond to messages reliably. They keep their phone on “do not disturb” because they get overwhelmed with messages & have raging ADHD, which I’m happy to give them grace for. And I know some people feel too overwhelmed to text even if they’re thinking of someone & want to text them. They told me they’re a terrible texter & prefer to connect in person, which is fine, but how am I supposed to connect with them in person if I can’t call or text to meet them? They’re making plans with other people they see regularly at recovery meeting (which, again, I’m fine with!), but I’m afraid this may be a case of out of sight, out of mind. And maybe I don’t mean enough to not be forgotten in the mix of everything. Remembered only with guilt. They’ll get a job soon, and a romantic partner, and I’ll only be an afterthought, so I’ve wanted to make the most of this time when we’re both the most available, but I feel it slipping away.

How do I tell them how much I need them right now? How can I ask for their time and love and embrace without feeling like I’m using them? How do I even know they’re still the safe person I had before, when I’m not sure they what they want out of the friendship anymore? We’ve had no time or space to talk about this, and I don’t know when we’ll get the chance.

[llamamonger]

Is it too dramatic to send your QPR friend who just got out of 5 weeks of rehab and made plans to spend the whole day with you and then rescheduled after vacuuming up their keys at a car wash and then suddenly went radio silent for 3 days a video of a reading of “My Miserable Letter”?

[llamamonger]

One question that I’ve mulled since my QPR friend and I kissed was whether this has opened up a new avenue of attractions for me. My friend had even asked if I’d ever kiss anyone else in the future (when they end up in a “real” relationship), and at the time I told them probably not because the only reason I was kissing them was because of how I feel about them & who they are, and I don’t want to kiss anyone else. They’ve been away at rehab for 4 weeks now, with one more week to go, and during that time I had a dream that I did kiss someone, a made-up person that I was on some kind of date with. In the dream, my friend was away, and there was an implied opportunity to kiss this made-up person, and my thought was, well, I’m not in a “relationship,” and it’s just kissing, so why not go through with it. And it seemed fine & normal, but when we’d stopped, all I could think was, “I miss [my friend].” It felt empty & pointless, even with an imagined person who was into me. Then the person turned into a dog with long, quill-like eyelashes, so it became a non-issue. I also had a dream, more disturbing than the quill-eyelash dog one, where an actual friend of mine who I’ve considered was possibly interested in me actually kissed me. Besides being shocked at how cold the kiss was, I was also adamant in the dream that I wasn’t interested. I think many dreams are sandboxes for practicing or processing things, the perfect place to run scenarios, and that’s for sure what my brain was doing. My conclusion so far is that yes, I do only want to kiss my QPR friend, and it’s because of who they are. Maybe it’s a demi thing, but I doubt I can or would want to feel the same way about someone else. I’m fine if I never kiss anyone else again because no one else is them.

[llamamonger]

My QPR friend and I are in a middle ground right now that feels really good but also super unsustainable, and I’m not sure how that will shift soon. They’re a functional alcoholic and headed to rehab for a month. I suspected their alcoholism & related depression was behind some of their confusing behaviors. But it also made me wonder, have I been just another coping mechanism? I’m so proud of them for being willing to get treatment & excited for how their life will improve, but I have to prepare for how it will change things with us. At one point they told me that after rehab, they want to prioritize getting a traditional relationship & would want to wind down some of the sensual aspects of our relationship. But then in the week or so after that, they’ve been even more into the sensual aspects and haven’t brought up ending things. They still kindly ask to have sex with me, and to be honest, I haven’t closed the door on that for a few reasons (mainly because I’m so neutral about it & I trust them enough & I’d like to be able to make them happy in any way I can & the sheer hubris of thinking I could do FWB with no adverse consequences because I’m aroace). But I told them that after rehab, they may feel differently. I told them we have to choose between two paths: escalation or de-escalation.

Part of me thinks we need to follow our sensual activities to their logical conclusion instead of reigning things in, placing strict boundaries so we don’t get carried away or confused and calling it sensory-seeking since we both know we’re not endgame. Is it still a hookup if we both deeply love each other? Or is it a Real Actual Relationship? I’m not sure which would be worse. Not having a word or even a template for such a relationship may put it in the same unsustainable category that we’re in now. Would it help keep them out of bad relationships or hurt their recovery? My primary concern is protecting their heart, and as much as they’ve asked for sex, they’ve also backtracked because they’re afraid it could ruin our friendship. I don’t think it would, not like the ones in their past anyway, but I don’t know how it might fundamentally alter it even with a clearheaded approach. On the other hand, I wouldn’t mind at all if we de-escalated to simply cuddling while watching movies and holding hands and forehead kisses, or even less if necessary. I told them everything sensual, especially the extreme end, as fun as it is, isn’t a have-to. I gain more emotional pleasure from the very smallest gestures they offer—resting their head on top of mine during a hug produces an emotion in me I can’t even find a word for. I truly don’t know what I actually want. I know it’s all temporary, so it feels like it doesn’t matter what I choose, so I told them I’m ok with either. I’m not sure what they want yet. They never gave me an answer, but I wasn’t asking them to decide right then. This is a post-rehab decision for sure, so I’ll have to wait at least a month to know where this is going.

[llamamonger]

I’m unsure what’s going on with my QPR friend. Very hot-&-cold behavior, and too many potential reasons to know how to address it. They’re still sweet & loving, but it feels like they’re avoiding me more. I’ve tried not to be intrusive, but I worry they’re bothered by my love generally (it would be par for the course of my life) or the specific form our friendship has taken. They’ve often confirmed with me when we kiss that this is not a “relationship” thing, it’s just as friends. Today after I’d bought them a coffee & food at a cafe, they felt the need to, again, bring up the fact that they want a traditional marriage & everything that entails, as if I’m unclear on their end game (all this while tenderly holding my hand btw). They said they feel really awful every day that they aren’t in a traditional relationship but especially that they haven’t found anyone that they’re remotely attracted to who could fill that role. I’ve always wondered if their constant seeking of reassurance from me is also for themselves and if the goal of traditional marriage is less out of dominant attractions than the desire for stability & normalcy. They have a concerningly low bar for life partner as well, mainly concerned with finances & willing to accept way less love than they deserve. The addition of a few other suspicious comments made this feel more and more like the plot of Good Luck, Babe than I ever expected it to. But I don’t know if that trope would be worse than the “it’ll pass” trope I’d have to deploy if it turns out that the cause of their avoidance is actually serious feelings for me, the dead-end aroace. I truly believe they can end up in a traditional marriage with someone who loves them as much or more than me—I would absolutely love to see that, and I have told them this many times. But they haven’t given me the opportunity to sit down and truly figure out where their head is yet. I just want to help them, with so much, but I don’t know if they’ll let me.

[llamamonger]

hat trick

In nearly 40 years, I’ve deeply loved 3 people. Today I got to spend time with all of them. I started the day on a walk with my QPR friend, the newest love and the most receptive, reciprocating, & unafraid of the three. I had completely given up on knowing anyone who would value my love or return my affection, even temporarily, and then they showed up. So sweet & authentic & brave. One day they’ll be in a traditional marriage, and I’ll fade into the background, and they won’t be around to hold my heart together like they have these past few months, but for now, there’s some rest & maybe healing.

A couple hours later, my dear friend and I spontaneous met up so I could bike with them while they did a 1 hour training run. Yesterday, I’d ended up running for 45 minutes with them, and I told it was an accident & I had to pee so I had to keep going (I am not a good runner, let the record show). In reality, I just wanted to spend time with them, and I would suffer through nearly 4 miles & almost pee myself to do that. They are amazing & vibrant & incomparable. I cherish the moments when it feels like they enjoy my company and want to spend quality time with me. I can only express my love for them in indirect ways because they told me they don’t understand it, and it makes them uncomfortable, so I’ve had to get creative and accept that space can be love, too.

An hour later, I met up with some old friends for dinner, among them the only person who’s ever claimed me as a best friend—the first person I loved. Almost 15 years ago, she told me her boyfriend (who was emotionally abusing her at that exact moment, who later became her husband) was her best friend, and my heart broke and hasn’t stopped breaking since. I struck a goofy pose at dinner tonight and told her to take a photo of me, and without pause, mouth full of ramen, she pulled out her phone. We’ve always had an easy connection, almost like an extension of each other, despite the distance created 15 years ago.

Each of these loves is equally deep but so distinct that I can’t say one takes away from another or that I have a favorite. The first two require less attention—they have their partners and don’t need me as a placeholder anymore—but I would still do anything in my power for them. (In fact, I’ll be crewing another ultra run for my dear friend soon.) I think each one has taught me something new about love and enabled me to love better and more selflessly. To have all 3 in the same town could feel overwhelming, because how will I choose among them if they all make claims on my time? But I don’t think it’s a bad problem to have. It’s been such a great day getting to be with the people I love so dearly and uniquely. All the heartbreak, past and future, doesn’t make me any less grateful to still have them in my life all at the same time.

[llamamonger]

qpr placeholder

This new friend, not sure what to call them now since it’s no longer that new. Not sure what to call any of this, but fortunately the aces invented some words that could help. My friend checks in sometimes to be sure that we’re on the same page—even though we kiss, we’re not romantic partners, we’ll always love each other & be friends, but we’re never getting married, etc.—so I wondered whether they were having trouble categorizing our relationship. I told them about romantic friendships and queerplatonic relationships, since it seems like what we have fits at least one of those criteria (though ours is not likely to have a life-partner aspect since they want a traditional marriage with kids). I think they were glad to know such things existed, that what we’re doing isn’t new or strange. I think they’ve been worried that I’ll get the wrong idea at some point, but I’ve always known I’m a placeholder. My heart broke the second I knew I loved them. Every tender moment is paired with grief traveling backwards through time to remind me that one day it’ll be out of reach. It’s a fight to stay present. It’s a fight to accept their love as it is now and impossible for me to believe it won’t evaporate when they find a true romantic partner. But for now I have a QPR, I guess. Another ace skill unlocked.

[llamamonger]

just aro things?

I passed yet another ace test, perhaps even the final boss. My new friend and I made out, and while it was surprisingly very fun (10/10, did do again, multiple times), I have had no awakenings. In fact, I may have even passed the aro test as well. If there’s supposed to be something that shifts when you kiss someone you’re emotionally close to, it didn’t happen for me, not so far. I already know I love them dearly, in my intense platonic way, and I told them this, which is what preceded the kissing (their suggestion), but what makes this not romantic? I’m not entirely sure, but neither of us is motivated to partner up or dreams of a shared/exclusive life together—we’ve confirmed this multiple times to each other and so far are on the same page. It’s purely for sensual/sensory fun, stemming from a lot of sensual attraction, but we both also appreciate the opportunity to connect in this way and express the platonic affection we have. Which probably sounds ridiculous, I know. But it’s the safety I feel with them specifically, via our platonic connection, that’s really allowed this to become a thing at all. I can’t even make a generalizable claim about whether I’d be sensually attracted like this to anyone else. The most potentially-romantic part might be the way they make me feel, but probably only because desirability and validation are often also mediated through sensual channels in romantic relationships. It’s ultimately intensely platonic all the way down for me after the superficial similarities. We both know there’s no future romantically or sexually, and I already accepted the heartbreak that will come from this relationship when I chose to love them, so it makes no difference to me. I feel like I’ll be able to compartmentalize well enough when the relationship needs to shift away from the sensual, though I will definitely miss it. It’s fairly addicting currently, perhaps from the newness, and maybe the feeling will mellow by the time they find a romantic partner (I am even assisting in this hunt). Maybe everything will go horribly wrong, who knows! They did say they love me, though, and I know they greatly value our friendship, and that’s all I really need. I may not have even that one day, but to have had it at all is wonderful. All that being said, not entirely sure how I found myself in a highly-sensual, aromantic, deeply platonic friendship, but apparently, for now, such a thing does exist!

[llamamonger]

opposite attraction

The strangest thing about my new & very intense friendship is how completely opposite we are on the spectrum of sexual attraction. I’m ace, of course, & have had no “experiences,” but they are bisexual and consider themselves a very sexual being—they were incredibly active at a young age, so they’ve got quite a lot of experience. A year ago, they broke up with their long-term partner and moved to my town, where I met them about 6 months after their breakup. They said they were attracted to me from the beginning and thought I was interested in them as well, but it turns out they found a celibate asexual instead! A one-in-1000 chance at least, I bet. If they were looking for a rebound, I definitely ruined that, but they could do way better than me. Despite this difference, though, we have a lot in common and connect really well—we can talk for hours! They’ve been celibate for over a year now, though, and I seem to be their only attempt at being otherwise (still don’t understand why), so I don’t fully know what they mean by “sexual being” since they’ve been willing to go without for so long. The more I learn about them, I think so much of their life revolved around finding their value & identity & validation in their sexuality because of what it meant to others. I wonder if their offer to me of sex earlier was part of that—how they default to reciprocate affection & attention or express intimacy & safety. I don’t begrudge them their sexual attraction & attractiveness, but I hope they’ll be able to see how much value they have outside of that, especially to me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to convey this to them, but who better than someone who can only love and appreciate them nonsexually? I see so much beauty in them that I wish they could see. Like when the moon covers the brightest part of the sun during a total solar eclipse, and the streaming silver corona is briefly visible—that’s what I hope they’re able to witness in themselves before the time we have together is over.

[llamamonger]

confessions

My new friend finally confessed the other day that they are very sexually attracted to me, have been since the beginning, that they want to have sex with me, and wondered if I’d ever be open to it. Not shocking, since I had noticed plenty of hints (though it probably would’ve been incredibly obvious to anyone else), but this is the first time in my long life anyone’s ever told me such things. Once again, I aced the ace test, and I told them that even if I really wanted to give them that kind of relationship out of love for them, if I was able to go through with it, I would be betraying myself because it’s not what *I* actually want. They were super understanding and validating and sweet, as they always are, which kind of makes me feel worse that I can’t give them something they really want, in a general sense, because they deserve so much. I feel inadequate, since I don’t know what to do for them instead, what would even be equivalent. I gave them a scalp scrubber, so there’s that.

I was a bit surprised by this confession, though, mainly because I figured that they would’ve moved past those feelings by now, since we’ve talked several times about my lack of attraction & interest in the last couple months. I underestimate attraction quite often, I think. They had made it clear that they love our friendship and don’t want to ruin it—they just needed to tell me how they were feeling. I was fine with that and told them I’d rather them be able to be honest with me & feel safe even telling me uncomfortable things. But I did start to wonder how much of their attention to me is based on their sexual attraction. I’d like to think it’s been other attractions or traits that have sustained their sexual attraction, like emotional intimacy or safety, instead of the other way around, but I can’t assume that because I don’t know how it works for them. I could ask deeper questions about this to find out, but even if I do, what if I don’t like the answer? They value our friendship above their sexual feelings, but how much of our friendship & connection is based on that? I sat across the table from them the next day, and though I’ve always found their eyes captivating, this time I lost my train of thought just from how they were looking into my eyes, which has never happened with anyone before. It was electric, for lack of a better word, even felt kind of consuming & hungry—clearly some desire behind it—and as wonderfully intense as it felt, I had to keep looking away because we can’t be doing this in a chicken shop. I don’t know what feeling was being transmitted—maybe it was sexual attraction, and I don’t have the software to translate it fully? Maybe it was romantic, whatever that means, in which case I better figure out what *I* actually want ASAP.

[llamamonger]

null, pt. 2

A while back, someone I’d told I was aroace said to me, “one day you’ll meet the right person and BOOM!” And I realized that having zero attraction (sexual or romantic) is impossible to prove to (allo) people because, in theory, there could be a person or a set of conditions that would disprove my claim. Scientific hypotheses can only fail to be disproven for this same reason—falsifiability!—but I am not a science experiment, so far as I can tell. Who cares about proving it to others?! I know myself!! Or do I…?

I’ll admit, as confident as I felt in my feelings, I wished there was a way I could know for sure instead of wondering if I’d be disproved one random day by the “right” person. In a fascinating turn of events, I’ve made a new friend whom I find incredibly attractive in every way *except* sexually. (I still haven’t figured out if I’m romantically attracted or if it’s just the intense platonic/emotional/sensual/aesthetic attractions combining forces.) By all rights, I should be having sexual feelings about this person by this point, even if I were demi. Even though their interest in me is expressly friendship, zero pressure to be otherwise, I know that if I did have sexual feelings I wanted to act on, they would likely be ok with that, so lack of opportunity isn’t an excuse. Despite all this, there is no scenario I can imagine with them where I’d desire that kind of interaction, in any form! Not even a bit, which honestly was a little surprising. I have aced the ace test! Which just means I really don’t understand a core experience for 99.9% of humans, but hey, at least my own hypothesis is truly proven. I absolutely would kiss them, though, if they were interested in that, which seems unlikely to happen, but that’s the only variable left that has the remote chance of creating some wildcard neurological effect, if that’s even a thing? Yet another experience I know nothing of!

[llamamonger]

convergence, pt 2

I got about half of the answer I needed from my new friend. We talked about the balance & motivation of paying for things & are on the same page. I told them I wasn’t experienced in dealing with very touchy people & wasn’t sure where they were coming from. They said they are very touchy with everyone, but I’ve never seen them with anyone else, so I’ll have to assume they also caress other people’s hands while gazing sweetly into their eyes, even if that seems unusual. I said I was worried about them feeling rejected or “led on” if I didn’t know how to match their energy correctly, and they kindly said “don’t worry, you won’t break my heart.” Honestly not fully sure how to take that (reassurance? defiance?), but I’ll err on the side of assuming they’re definitely not romantically interested & know I’m not going to pursue that. Even though I might if they wanted, whatever it is… but they know I’m a waste of their time in that way. I may get my heart broken regardless, though. Even if all this isn’t just limerence and lovebombing, I’ll still ultimately be a transitional step between their recent breakup and next relationship, and I’ll be ok with that if I can be a positive influence for them in that process. Right now I feel like they’ve picked me up off my feet—a heady, ungrounded feeling, since I’m not used to our current level of vulnerability & affection. Whether they drop me or set me down gently, it’ll hurt, but I’m well-practiced in dealing with unrequited love (is there any other kind?).

[llamamonger]

convergence

I came out as ace to a new friend recently. Only problem is that I’m incredibly attracted to them in practically every dimension except the sexual, and I am completely confused by their own signals. For years I’ve puzzled over what the difference between platonic & romantic attraction is, still have no clear understanding even for myself, since it feels like they converge at some point in intensity. Would I “date” this friend? Absolutely. Would it be a complete waste of their time? Absolutely. They said they’re looking for marriage & the kind of intimacy I can’t provide. And yet, the amount of sensual intimacy they’ve engaged in, despite knowing this, is unprecedented for me. I haven’t seen them with others to know if they’re as handsy with other friends. I was nearly able to ask them what exactly is going on, but the moment passed, and the next day, they seemed noticeably more distant, so I didn’t have an opening. But I’m old and autistic so the next time I see them, I will just ask where they’re at. Problem is, do I know where I’m at? What I want? What’s even reasonable? It would make perfect sense to me, a perpetual placeholder, that we “date” in the sense of going on fun outings & being physically close until it’s time for my heart to be broken again, and for all of this to fall under the umbrella of friendship. But I have to recognize how crazy that may sound to someone who experiences platonic & romantic attraction with vastly more contrast than I do. Even if I just pay their way for things out of the joy of spending time with them & having someone to do fun things with, with physical affection off the table, I’m worried I’ll put them in an uncomfortable position of feeling like a date when they just want to feel like a friend. But the difference to me is negligible in that case—why shouldn’t I treat a friend who enjoys my company like a date, especially when they know my boundaries? It’s hard for me to understand the other perspective & find words to explain how my platonic attraction looks at higher intensities. When I tried to explain to my dear friend the love I felt for them, they straight-up told me they couldn’t understand the kind of love I was describing. So I’m not sure of my success this time in a different context, but hopefully I can find the right words without overexplaining or suggesting some insane ace pipe dream as a solution.

[llamamonger]

between blooms

My dear friend’s partner got them a grocery store orchid for their 3 monthiversary of dating. Within a couple weeks they were engaged. Two months later they were married. The blooms had fallen off just before, and while they were preparing to move, I convinced my friend to let me take the orchid. They’re not a plant person anyway. I had an orchid once before, 12 years ago, but I didn’t know how to care for it—I did too much of everything to get it to grow and bloom again. It died while I was trying to salvage a close friendship, doing everything I could think of when I should’ve just left it alone. The parallelism wasn’t lost on me because the grief and shame around the orchid felt like a prelude.

I was never sure I could care for this new orchid either, or if I could save the waning friendship that had brought it to me. I decided to take a distant approach with both. I hoped both would bloom again, too, but I didn’t know how to make that happen except through patience. I learned to be content with a new leaf of two—at least growth was possible. Eventually I noticed its aerial roots were stuck in the pot & laid them over the side. Did it need to feel less confined? Slowly, it started growing a stem for blooms, and slowly buds appeared, and slowly they opened.

My friend & their spouse are having a baby tomorrow. The last bud on the branch opened today. A lot has happened in the 17 months between the blooms. I still can’t convince myself that all of it was for the best, or that our friendship will be the same, let alone better, when my friend moves into this new stage of life. In one of our hard talks shortly after they got married, they got emotional telling me how they had pictured me being around with their future children and wanted me in their life for these big moments. I want to be able to be “there” like they imagined, to still be relevant to them, possibly even wanted. But as beautiful as this all *could* turn out to be for all the patience & growth in between, transitions haven’t been our friend so far, and I can’t let myself get attached to blooms.

[llamamonger]

dreams

I’ve been in limbo this whole year with my dear friend, trying to rebuild trust in them & figure out how our friendship should go. It’s all been very avoidant-attachment-coded on their side, hot & cold. I’ve had to have more hard talks, at one point making the argument that they shouldn’t be friends with me if I’m a source of stress & that I’m not needed anymore & not even capable of being the same person I once was. I’ve been on some rough meds to treat my chronic pain (didn’t work, caused exponentially more suffering), and processing the continued abandonment by two of my closest friends (my dear friend & their now-sister-in-law) made things so much harder—it broke me. I’d been there for my friend for everything, even the things I didn’t agree with totally, and even though they knew I was struggling, it’s like they didn’t even care. They got emotional telling me that they do want to be friends because when they picture their future, I’m there, and they hate the idea of me not being there. But that’s as much as I’ve ever got from them—what “there” even means to them, I don’t know, because they sure seemed ok leaving me out of their life so much. I’d essentially given up on things this week, as I’d been slowly trying to kill off all the hopeful parts of me that were just making it so hard to heal (from the meds, from everything).

But for the first time in over a month, my friend asked to hang out with me this week. I told them I’d love that. I considered being measured in my response, but even without hope, I have to be honest. The next day they told me they had a dream that we were hanging out, but I decided I wanted to drive to the airport, hopped a plane, and flew away, and they were like “well I guess we’re done hanging out for today…” We both found it hilarious, but I’ve always wondered whether my friend’s dreams betray something about their deeper feelings for me. They dream about me far more than I do about them (maybe I process it all consciously and don’t need to), and in the dreams they tell me about, at least, we’re a team. I’m always helping them do something—once I was flying a helicopter to help them rescue their spouse. They had a dream like this after the dream of me leaving the hang out. I don’t know what I’m not told about, and I’ve wondered whether I’m in bad dreams, too, and if that contributes to their pulling away at times. I wondered whether the dream about my leaving the hang out represented some anxiety they’re feeling over me. I wonder what always being “there” for them in the dreams means to them—if there’s a deep connection they feel that they’re afraid of. Folks say avoidant attachers are afraid of vulnerability & closeness because once it gets real, it comes with loss. I wish my friend would just be honest with themselves about how they feel. I’ve done everything I can, even at the expense of my emotional safety, to show them I’d be there for them as long as they want me there. That doesn’t work if they push me away. And dreams alone can’t make up for it.

[llamamonger]

One of the hardest parts about this whole situation with my dear friend getting married & leaving me behind has been feeling like I’m being petty & impatient & jealous. Sometimes I am definitely being petty & small & hate myself for being that way, but where someone else might be able to reassure or comfort themselves out of the anxiety of “losing” a friend to their romantic interest, my situation feels much more hopeless. Regardless of whether I do manage to fully repair the relationship, I have no place in their life anymore. People say to just give a person a year & they’ll come back to their friends, but it’s not that kind of situation. They’ve fully embraced their spouse’s family (mom, sister, brother, brother’s gf), most of whom they knew before their spouse, and now that they’re related by marriage, I know I’m below these people in their hierarchy of relationships—I’d never have been “family” to them even if I had been the silent agreeable friend they wanted. My own family, who was almost a surrogate family for my friend for years, having meals every week & including them for holidays & outings, is not nearly as friendly & fun as their new family, and no one has made any effort to even have lunch together since the wedding.

But the worst is that my friend and I were both close to their spouse’s sister before all this, and now I’m having to watch them together from the outside, being actively excluded. And I don’t know what all my friend has told this other friend about our situation, because sometimes it feels like there is some negativity towards me, that the exclusion is on purpose. I’m not just losing one friend—I’m losing two & the friendship we all had together. It’s heartbreaking. And this other friend, she’s also the only other aroace I know. Not only have I been replaced with a person who won’t ditch them for a romantic relationship & open up a space for me eventually if I’m patient, but I’ve also lost the companionship of the only other person who could relate to my aroace experience.

There’s no way out, there’s no way forward, no other option, it feels like, except to lay down and give up. From every direction, I’m slapped down wherever I try to find a way back in, even long-term. I keep thinking maybe I’ve found a position to hole up in to wait things out, be patient & still, but I feel like it’s stupid to put any hope in that when it’s almost certain everyone will just move on past me. And I have to hide all the pain, all the different kinds of pain. The only blessing of the neuralgia is having a medical reason to express & acknowledge pain of some kind, even if I can’t talk about or explain my heartbreak.

[llamamonger]

I’m not dying of blood clots, it turns out, but as I mentioned, I was going to have to clarify the friendship with my dear friend regardless of whether I’m dying or not. I texted what I needed to say, asking whether they wanted a real, balanced friendship with me or not. They decided they wanted to talk in person about it, but when they had to cancel the meeting for being sick, they never rescheduled. I was pretty sure I wasn’t a priority at that point, so I wasn’t hopeful for when I finally did get a meeting, and my instinct was right—they said they didn’t think it was going to work out. I told them I’d respect that decision if it’s what they really want, but they have to own it & they wouldn’t. They felt like they couldn’t do anything right & it was pointless to keep trying. I pointed out that in everything, including their romantic relationships, they have no problem making an effort for what they really want, but they’ve made very little with me. They claimed they weren’t good at being attentive & intentional, but I said I was sure they didn’t have a problem being that way with their romantic interests, & I wasn’t contradicted.

They claimed they did want a friendship with me, claimed they missed talking with me, though they said it was anxiety-inducing to think of talking to me. They’d just been assuming the worst about me, that I’m just being controlling, despite everything I’d told them, and all I could say was everything I’d said before. That it’s so hard to mask when you’re in physical pain every day, all day, for months & I stopped sugarcoating things. That everything I’ve said & done has been out of deep love & rational concern, not a desire to control. I told them I didn’t know what else I could say or do to convince them, but I could try harder to be less abrasive. We did come to an understanding, and I did feel like they did truly want to be my friend. They only got emotional once, when talking about their dog & how long it’s been since it had seen me. I’ve always wondered a little if they sometimes used the dog as a surrogate for themself when talking about my value in their life. When we had the first serious talk about showing gratitude, instead of telling me about how much I meant to them, they talked about how much I mean to their dog & cat, how they appreciate the treats & attention. It was odd & unsatisfying at the time, considering that was the first time I told them I loved them, but perhaps it was a way around saying things plainly. Or it was nothing. They were glad we sorted things out, and they talked to me more afterward, though I still think they’d rather me be on the outside of their life. They & our mutual made lunch plans one day pretty much in front of me without including me, despite the countless times I’ve included both of them in my lunch plans. It felt awful, and I was in a lot of pain that day anyway, but it took a couple days before I broke down crying in the shower about it & what it said about the future. I don’t know what to do about any of it. I’m letting my friend decide how they want this to go, and I’ll stay out of where I’m not wanted.

The pain is getting worse, and it may be a month before I get any medicine to relieve the pain or more imaging to confirm a diagnosis, and in the very likely event the medicine isn’t worth the side effects, I’d be faced with neurosurgery, so I don’t know how functional I’ll be. My value among people has always been tied to my functionality—my usefulness, what I do instead of who I am—because of my autism. And yet everything I’ve done & worked so hard at, from the bottom of my heart, for my friend seems ultimately worthless in the end. But to stay in the world in any meaningful way, I have to stay at least superficially function, with what little energy I have. It would make all the difference in the world if I knew my friend cared about me & thought of me & wanted me around, but that’s not a reality I have access to.