It was about a month after my QPR friend got out of rehab that they finally made & kept plans to see me. They invited me to their house, with their mom & brother, to have tacos. They apologized for putting me off this whole time and wanted to make it up to me. We spoke on the phone briefly beforehand, but I was still so nervous. But seeing them again and hugging them, it felt as natural as before. But there was something I still couldn’t settle. I like their mom & brother, but with everything going on in my life & at the end of a very long day in the middle of 3 days on very little sleep, and after waiting almost 9 weeks to be with my friend… It was just so much work, and I was so emotionally fragile underneath my mask that I couldn’t dare let it drop. So it wasn’t the reunion I was hoping for. I was sparkling company, but it was a threat response. And all I wanted, more than anything, was to just sit with my friend alone & tell them I wasn’t actually doing well & just be held & feel safe like I did before & regulate my nervous system again. And I feel selfish for that.
For the past week, I’ve hoped to get a chance to be alone with them, but they haven’t been able to keep any plans we’ve made and won’t respond to messages reliably. They keep their phone on “do not disturb” because they get overwhelmed with messages & have raging ADHD, which I’m happy to give them grace for. And I know some people feel too overwhelmed to text even if they’re thinking of someone & want to text them. They told me they’re a terrible texter & prefer to connect in person, which is fine, but how am I supposed to connect with them in person if I can’t call or text to meet them? They’re making plans with other people they see regularly at recovery meeting (which, again, I’m fine with!), but I’m afraid this may be a case of out of sight, out of mind. And maybe I don’t mean enough to not be forgotten in the mix of everything. Remembered only with guilt. They’ll get a job soon, and a romantic partner, and I’ll only be an afterthought, so I’ve wanted to make the most of this time when we’re both the most available, but I feel it slipping away.
How do I tell them how much I need them right now? How can I ask for their time and love and embrace without feeling like I’m using them? How do I even know they’re still the safe person I had before, when I’m not sure they what they want out of the friendship anymore? We’ve had no time or space to talk about this, and I don’t know when we’ll get the chance.













