Heads Full of Super Helpful Ideas for Transportation
Greetings! As I am sure you are all aware, this has been a fantastic week for True Warriors for Automobile Transportation. Let's recap the events of this week! The fun began on Wednesday when Rahm Emanuel unveiled his proposed budget for 2014. In an attempt to avoid raising property taxes, he decided to go after us drivers to the tune of $120 million dollars in speeding camera tickets! Rather than do the humane and safe thing by raising speed limits and fining parents irresponsible enough to let their children walk near high speed traffic, he wants us drivers to close the the budget gaps!
In addition, the new budget includes a bunch of other fees on smoking and cable television. I have a backlog of potential allies to us True Warriors in the War on Cars, but before this week, Duck Dynasty addicts were not among them. That was before Alderman Pat Dowell, whose 3rd ward includes much of Bronzeville and the surrounding area spoke up about an alternative to increasing cable fees. Instead of sticking it to fans of reality television, Chicago should stick it to those who live in denial of reality: people who think bikes are an appropriate way to get around the city! Specifically, the Alderman proposed that those who ride a bike in the city should pay of $25 annual registration fee. And what's more, when they pay that fee, those bikers should be required to take an hour-long bicycle safety class!
Promotion of bicycle safety can be a dangerous thing for us True Warriors. As fun as it is to complain about scofflaw cyclists and state that since we need to take Driver's Ed, they should need to take an equivalent, we need to be careful. Pretending to care about the safety of bikers makes for a great cover in our tactics to keep driving the dominant mode of transportation, but if our city officials ever actually get serious about biker safety, they may start paying attention to the research that indicates that drivers are actually at fault in the majority of car/bike collisions. Such officials may draw the unfortunate conclusion that educating drivers about biking may actually be a more effective way of making the roads safer! Ugh, imagine a world in which drivers were actually expected to follow the 3-foot rule. Imagine if we could no longer use "he was riding in the middle of the road" as an excuse to threaten bikers! Imagine if, when we groused about those entitled jerks on bikes passing us on the right while we're stuck behind a line of cars, we could no longer expect heads nodding in agreement!
So, on one hand, we have a proposal that will make biking much less convenient, practically guaranteeing enough bureaucratic hassle and condescending education ("Bicycles should stop at red lights. True/False?") to drive away all but the most dedicated cyclists, putting a hard stop to the growth of cycling in Chicago. On the other hand, a genuine concern for the safety of the spandex set may start of ball - or wheel- rolling - a wheel that would eventually roll over all the conveniences us drivers take for granted, like being able to drive in bike lanes or force the more timid bikers off the road altogether! However, those risks are minor, as you can confirm by seeing the voices of True Warriors united in support of Alderman Dowell's proposal.
On Thursday, one of the biggest True Warriors for Automobile Transportation, Mr. John Kass himself, came out in full support of the registration fee. He's even dropped the pretense of pretending to warn the "little bike people" against looming fees and begun calling for the fees to be increased four-fold over Alderman Dowell's proposal - up to a $100 registration fee! Today, he came back out again at the "little bike people" by publishing some of their personal attacks in order to give them a voice! Now, some may say that he isn't being fair - that instead of just responding to personal attacks, he should be responding to some of the logical arguments against the Alderman's proposal, such as the ones that those anti-car folks at Active Transportation Alliance have published. But that argument misses the point: there's logic, and there's True Warrior logic. To truly understand True Warrior logic, you need to spend at least 2 hours/day behind the wheel of a car - preferable an SUV or a pickup truck that never actually hauls anything! If you don't do that, there's no point in arguing with the likes of John Kass. Logic won't get you a regular column in a major metropolitan newspaper. True Warrior logic just might.
Lest you think that at the Tribune, True Warriorism is restricted to John Kass, on Friday, the Tribune editorial board came out in favor of the registration fee! Let's look into the highlights:
More bikes mean fewer cars, less pollution and fitter citizens. We know in our hearts that this is a good thing. But it scares us to death.
That's right. All the bikes on the road are simply inconvenient for us: they're downright scary! Please, bikers, have some sympathy for us terrified drivers and get the hell off the road!
Why? Because we drive — and occasionally bike — in the city. In the corridors shared by two- and four-wheeled commuters, the morning and afternoon rush hours are mayhem.
If only we could get those two-wheeled commuters off the road, it may not be mayhem. Let's give it a try! Note that it's not because the Trib hates bikes - like all True Warriors, they even admit to partaking in the occasional bike ride!
Last year, 1,675 crashes between bikes and vehicles were reported in the city. Every driver or biker has a near-miss story to share.
And there have been lots of "solutions" to this problem - from protected bike lanes, to laws that make driving more inconvenient (like the aforementioned 3-foot rule). But, just like abstinence is the only 100% effective form of birth control, getting bikes off the road is the only 100% effective way of eliminating bike/vehicle collisions. Of course, the Trib is too savvy to directly call for the elimination of bikes from the road. But anything to discourage them must be welcomed!
Some motorists have learned to detour around the busiest bike corridors to get to work and back. Maybe that's the point.
Do you hear the wardrums beating? The War on Cars is real, folks!
We're not suggesting the cars should own the road simply because they were here first, but we do think the cyclists joining those cars on the road ought to observe the same rules. It's confounding how many will argue point blank that no, they shouldn't.
Like the Trib, I'm confounded at those who argue that bikes shouldn't have to carry $15k worth of property insurance. Or that bikers shouldn't have to wear seat belts. Or that bikes shouldn't have mufflers. Same rights, same responsibilities, I say!
In Denmark, they note, cyclists are allowed to ride both ways on one-way streets. This is not an appropriate maneuver in the Loop. In Idaho, bikes can legally treat a red light like a yield sign; pedaling through without stopping is known as "the Idaho Stop." It has no place on Milwaukee Avenue.
Now, some may say that if a cyclist is allowed to ride both ways, it's not actually a one-way street. I say, if we're going to have different-way streets for bikes than for cars, we should make all streets zero-way streets for bikes! Others may complain that The Trib didn't even bother to use the correct definition of the Idaho Stop, which permits bikers to treat stop signs, rather than stop lights, as yield signs. I say, it doesn't matter! This is The Trib, we're talking about, not the New York Times! And besides, you try getting your facts straight when you're editing an article from behind the wheel while sitting in rush hour traffic, as I imagine the editors at the Trib did!