Lolita Etiquette

A collection of tips for interacting with others while wearing lolita fashion

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #066

When drinking tea, it is not proper to drink from the spoon as if one is eating soup.

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #065

If you have a friend who is self conscious and doesn’t want to be in a group photo (but isn’t 100% against taking photos), instead of pressuring them to join a group photo, consider asking them to take a photo just with you. Be very clear about what you will do with the photo (post it to facebook on friends only, tag them, post it to tumblr, post it to instagram, etc), and get their approval of the photo before you share it. Or, use their phone to take a selfie together! Remember, photos can be great memories between friends, but it’s no fun if they are overly stressful!

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #064

Group photos can be a ton of fun, but you should never force someone to be in a group photo if they do not want to be in it! Likewise, it’s impolite to exclude people who do want to be in the photo. If you have a situation that isn’t to your personal liking, like strangers asking to be in a group photo, or people who aren’t wearing lolita at a meetup asking to be in a photo, one solution can be to take multiple group photos. Take a large group photo, then, take smaller group photos, like “everyone in AP” or “everyone in red”. Finally, you can go back and do one of “everyone in lolita” or “everyone in jfashion”. Taking lots of group shots is much less awkward and less likely to hurt someone’s feelings than simply telling them they can’t participate. Keep in mind that this is not an invitation to conveniently delete the photos of groups you don’t like; be careful to be kind when posting the group photos. If someone is sharing all the shots with the group for the group to take a copy, be sure to share all of them that are relevant to the group they are being shared with.

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #063

After stirring your tea, it’s considered proper to place your teaspoon on the saucer to the right of the handle of your teacup.

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #062

Always ask before taking a photo of another lolita! Some people do not like being photographed, or dislike candid photos. If you do take a candid photo, always show the person the photo, ask if it’s ok, and offer to delete the photo if they aren’t happy with it. While photos can be fun memories, they make some people uncomfortable or feel badly about themselves. Be a good friend to other lolita and respect their personal wishes.

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #061

It’s fine to say something like “I follow back” on your social media, but it’s quite impolite to harass people to follow you just because you follow them! Following someone online should always be voluntary. You can not force people to follow you, and it is very bothersome to some people to be messaged and bugged in this way!

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #060

If you run a blog or vlog and wish to review products, it is not polite to aggressively demand that brands or indie brands give you products for free, especially if you do not have an established audience and metrics that show how your advertising of the item can translate into sales for the company. While some lolita bloggers are sent small accessories and such for free from indie brands to review, they are usually contacted by the indie brand, not the other way around. Note: If you want to build this sort of business model for yourself, build your blog/vlog audience first, and then add a link to your site that goes to a page with information like metrics and any reviews you have done in the past of items you have purchased and a way to contact you.

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #059

If you are considering telling someone they can’t wear lolita because of their skin color, or that they aren’t pretty or a good lolita because of their skin color, you are a racist piece of shit. No, seriously, that’s the whole tip. Don’t be a racist piece of shit.

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #058

When giving concrit about someone’s makeup or hair styling, give suggestions on what they could do to improve it. If you are unable to help them improve, reconsider commenting. Remember, if there is nothing helpful, it’s not really constructive criticism; it’s just criticism. No one wants to just flatly be told their best attempt at makeup or hair isn’t pretty! If you are offering constructive feedback, remember to be respectful and kind. Think back to when you were learning about the technique in question and how you would have liked someone to explain it to you. Try to be the teacher you would have wanted to have had.

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #057

When taking photos of other lolita, take care to make sure your angle isn’t so low that your photo captures their petticoat or something else under their skirt. No one likes un-asked-for up-skirt shots!

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #056

It’s extremely impolite to take photos of other lolita for the sole purpose of making fun of them.

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #055

When stirring your tea, use a graceful, gentle motion and avoid scraping or clinking the spoon against the cup.

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #054

Be conscience when having a meetup at a restaurant! If you are finished eating and don’t yet wish to part ways, but the restaurant is busy, consider moving somewhere else near by to chat for a while so that the restaurant can turn over the table to other patrons. If you find you have been sitting longer than might be particularly polite, but the group isn’t ready to move yet, consider ordering dessert or coffee (even if it’s ordered to go) to help offset the fact that your group is tying up the table and no longer eating.

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #053

Always tip the wait staff (if it’s customary in your country) when you have a meetup at a restaurant. If your comm is anything like mine (large and very happy to see each other when we get together) consider leaving a higher tip to thank them for serving such a large (and perhaps not so quiet) group. Being kind and polite to the wait staff ensures that you will be welcomed back in the future. Remember; lolita is very conspicuous, so if you make a bad impression they are far more likely to remember!

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #052

If you attend a meetup somewhere that serves food (for example, a cafe), you should make a purchase, even if it’s something small like a coffee or a dessert. If you can’t afford to purchase something and leave a reasonable tip (if tips are customary where you live), it’s best not to attend. Remember, restaurants are businesses, and if your group is taking up a large table for a long period of time without buying the expected amount of food, it prevents the restaurant from turning over that table to paying customers. Even if they aren’t super busy, they still have to clean the water cups and silverware at your place setting, and it still takes up the wait staff’s time.

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #051

When hosting a meetup, be up front about any costs that might be involved whenever possible. This helps younger lolita or lolita who are on a budget determine if they should or shouldn’t attend. If you are hosting an event at a restaurant that you have been to before, give an estimate of how much it would cost to buy an entree.

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Lolita Etiquette Rule #050

When critiquing other lolita, consider the purpose of your comments. If your comments aren’t meant to help the person improve and are not actionable and reasonable, they might be better left unsaid. Actionable and Reasonable: This is very cute, perhaps try some black shoes instead of white shoes? It’s actionable, in that there is a specific action suggested (changing shoes), and it’s reasonable (black shoes aren’t particularly hard to find). Actionable, but not Reasonable: This is very cute, but those red shoes are a tiny bit more orange than the charm on your headbow, you should get some better matching red shoes. This is actionable (changing shoes), but it’s not reasonable (it’s almost impossible to perfectly match shades of red). Neither Actionable nor Reasonable: “what a whale”, “what an ita”, “wow, that’s ugly”.