Swallowing The Sun @lolly-poppet - Tumblr Blog

Mermaids on the Rocks (19th century) by Wilhelm Kray (German, 1828 – 1889)

It isn’t true that I’ll never look into your eyes again. I can just close my own and see them every time.

Your smell, your voice, and forever that mouth. Just a moment of reflection brings it all back. I hope that lasts forever.

I am thankful for the love. It has become part of me, I can never forget.

For the lessons, hard-won. That much pain leaves reminders. I can never forget.

I am changed forever, with and without choice. Who I still truly am, I can never forget.

Nothing will ever be the same. Especially, the mistakes. How could I ever forget?

The hourglass is empty, time to flip it and start over. I will remember.

There are memories so sweet, they surge with a rush to the front of my mind, like a tidal wave of tears, half joyful and half heartbreaking. So distant, only a looking glass can see but oh! when it focuses so tightly on the mingling spirits, goose bumps grow as my souls tapestry tears down the middle and causes pain so deep, the shark that lives there terrifies me. How big my love could be, how big it truly was! What foolishness to doubt a love so literally cliche of the most romantic, the most dedicated, the most sacrificial!

I missed it while I was holding it in my hands, admiring it as nostalgia while it happened before me, with me, to me.

It’s right there.

It was right there.

It feels like it is right. There.

The beautiful skeletons of lush and green ghosts

Maybe love is a feather, floating by on the churning river

I know it is the ice along the shore and the crusty ground

Just when you believe it will last forever, it melts away in an instant

Reading our past, fearing our future. But does true love ever really die?

I searched for hours to find proof that I wasn’t alone in feeling that I could love someone - even if she was just a ghost of a dream - so deeply.

For so long, I sunk into the abyss. Vile anger, like rust.

I suddenly woke up sputtering on the shore. I still know that face, those eyes, that mouth, those lies. The spell was cast, the price has been long past paid, and I’m back on land. The chain on the anchor was cut, and I survived the angry sea. I made it back alive, but with my girl - the one I know - more than a memory. More than a wistful puff of nostalgia. More than remembering.

Our souls were burned together. I feel the same love as the first love, right there under the oily skin of pain. Endlessly. My sweetest love.

#Spotify

clearing

when I smell Palo Santo in times of stress, I am suddenly in my car, reciting the clearing prayer you taught me, driving alone in the dark. I am driving on Rt. 9, away from my house. I am driving away from everything that was so wrong, toward something that feels so right. I am there, right now, feeling that release as I inhale the smoke that continues to soothe me to this day.

I wonder if I hadn’t had that piece of wood…How would you have received my pain, while in such immense pain of your own? If I hadn’t somehow let loose some of the pressure in what would have been an atomic explosion of grief and pain? Could you have even seen me?

Words get in the way. We who talk and talk erase time. Building a wall with admissions, confessions, apologies, explanations, definitions, a tapestry to cover anything and everything we don’t want to look at. It’s been so long. The smoke can’t save me. I’m so tired.

maybe it won’t be my choice. Maybe I’ll just drift off during a movie, or some Sunday morning, in peace. That would be nice.

don’t tell me it isn’t love. I know what I feel. I know who I am. Even if no one else ever does. My fate was already determined, I lost all chances to change my destiny. Choice after choice, flaw upon flaw, rotten to the very marrow of my bones - the bones not even my family of hyenas will ravage.

but I knew this love. It has saved me a million times. No one can see me. But you have come the closest.

Saturn Square

Can my true and pure love survive, if all of the pieces don’t click into place? If I cannot fulfill this destiny, because it may have never been mine? How can I hold on to the glory of this love? How can I ensure that I can behold and share it as mine to give? Oh wretched day. We may never recover.

Virgo Moon

Making love by the light of the Moon...your Moon. The look in your eyes, the way you smile, and surrender to bliss. Bodies shining blue as they crash, like waves of the ocean, and just as powerful. These are moments that keep my heart anchored here, along with the ringing bell of your laughter, the soaring celebration of your voice, lightning flashes of pride in your golden eyes, and the gentle warmth of your hands, as they assure my tired body that it has beauty and worth. The deep lines on my forehead smoothed away by ivory fingertips and and kiss and a whisper, even if only for tonight. These are the times our love is tangible, to have and to hold. Together forever, endlessly in love, my very best friend, number one person in the whole universe. Even death will not separate us.

Day and Night

I love you. I love your human self. I love your star dust alien self. I love your body. I love your mind. I love your heart. I love your deep old soul. I love your laughter, and your tears. I love everything that made you who you are today, and everything that will teach you, nourish you, and help you become who you will be tomorrow. I dedicate my life to living in harmony with you, so I don’t have to miss a single moment of smiles, laughter, and love. The tough shit sucks, but anytime I’m feeling down, I will remember all of these things that made my life better.

The person I once was - the strong, stubborn, arrogant....gone. Now, I am weak, complacent, and insecure, because those things were my armor. Now, I feel alive merely to exist. Once, I found value in “doing”. Now, I can find no value in being. My love isn’t enough, even for myself. I’m told to love myself first, but I struggle to find anything to love. I have nothing left to offer anyone, even to myself. I’m told I’m special, but I know that I’m not. There are thousands of people in the world who are just like me, and thousands more who do it even better. My light is dull. Every day, I get out of bed because I have to, not because I want to. I work because I have to, not because it fulfills me. There is no joy in providing, because it gives no one joy to reflect back. My hours are eaten, swallowed, flushed, drained, burned, browsed, spent, and there is nothing in between wants and needs. Any spurts of joy or energy are quickly snuffed out by dissatisfaction or anxiety. The person I love the most can never be happy, and I have chosen to be there with her. “If only”, “If I”, “If you”, “If they”. Just sitting together, in the sun, without anything but ourselves and the warmth and the light touching us, without thought, without worry...if that were possible, even for a moment, we would know peace and joy. I know we “make our own lives how we want them”, but how I want my life is with you, and I cannot do it alone.

Every single day

It's a new beginning, a new promise. I make the same promise every day, every minute - to better serve our love and growth together. Everything is optional. Nothing forced. We have chosen this life, and we have other options. We are not bound by past, nor are we restricted by the future. We succeed when we know we have success, because we decide what success is for us. We have abundance when we know we have abundance, because we decide what abundance is for us. My heart, soul, and life belong to you. As it is. Every single day.

Our secret portal... It was so romantic. Now, I'm alone in here. There are no secrets between us. Our love is real. Our love is strong and resilient. It's almost bittersweet, like that job is done, and there's not the same "trying". Everything is locked down and sure. Just ends up making my dysfunctional mind look for questions. Then I have your beautiful voice ringing in my ears that everything is okay, everything is real, and there is no need for doubt. You are everything to me. You make me want to be my best self, to strive for better in everything, for myself, for you, our children - present and future. It was always meant to be, every step. I'm learning to embrace even the broken steps, and having you here to help guide me for both of us to reach the highest elevation, in every way. My sweet soul love, my other half, my gorgeous, sexy, funny, smart, creative, perfect-for-me-in-every-way wonderful girl. My wife-to-be. I love you forever.

Everything is disappearing.

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