Life is a funny thing. Good and bad things happen everyday. In today’s world it sometimes feels as though the bad outweighs the good. I believe that just a small amount of goodness, even the smallest light, can brighten the darkness we live in.
My hands are small. In general, I myself, am very small standing at only 5′1″. I am the runt of the McCauley line where the other women in my family tower over me. I like being tiny, but having tiny hands can sometimes be a pain. I never seemed to be able to use my hands properly without them going numb. Despite that, I still had a love for dance and music. My brothers have always hated how I would sing and dance around the house all day as though the world was my theater.
12 years ago, my legs gave out on me. I was a brilliant dancer, in fact it is the one thing that I can say I was truly amazing at. I was in a company, on a competition team, and by the age of 11 I was teaching the adult ballet, tap, and lyrical company classes. My dream was to become a professional choreographer since I was too short to ever go pro. Girls can be jealous though, and one took it too far. Because of what she did, I completely tore the ligaments in my right ankle and dislocated my right knee. It never healed correctly and then I fell over and over and over again. My doctor told me If I continued, I may end up beyond repair and never be able to walk without assistance again. I was forced to give up what I loved the most and as a result, It caused me too much pain to even watch others dance. Everything happens for a reason, I just couldn’t see that reason at the time.
Nearly 9 years ago I developed more pain in my hands. I thought It was just because I was always cold that my fingers didn’t want to move properly for me. I decided to put down my guitar and keys believing I simply was not meant to play anymore and moved onto other things. I didn’t think twice about it. Everything always happens for a reason.
5 years ago, I lost my voice. My throat began to tighten up and just speaking alone was difficult and took way too much effort. I soon discovered many issues with my nose and throat as well as a muscular condition causing my throat to tighten. I was forced to whisper or barely speak at all. I could no longer sing. In that moment I felt as though I lost everything. Funny thing was, as I started to lose my voice, my hearing became stronger. I knew that as long as I could at least listen to music I could continue to be happy.
4 years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare form of arthritis called “Stills Disease” and naturally life is never simple so I of course had an extreme version which affected my organs, muscles, and joints. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t write, and I couldn’t even hold a book or use the toilet without assistance. But just knowing the reason for all my symptoms made me feel much better. I also learned that I have a rare genetic mutation and osteoporosis. I realized that even if that girl had never hurt me in dance, my legs still would have failed me within a few years anyways due to my condition. My anger towards the girl who ruined my career vanished, knowledge is power.
2 years ago, after chemo pills, steroids, and various other treatments, I went into remission. Since then, every winter I have flare ups, but they are mild compared to what most people face every day.
5 months ago, it all came back. I was lucky, we caught it early and it immediately went back into remission within 3 months.
Two days ago, I spoke to someone who struggles with an incurable illness. She also has trouble using her hands, as I do despite being in remission. I have my good days and my bad days but she struggles far more than I do and so far no medications have helped. We spoke about knitting and how she can’t do that anymore. I decided I wanted to use my hands while I can despite the pain. I want to sing while I can despite the effort it takes.
Yesterday, I picked up a guitar for the first time in 9 years. I couldn’t play well and my fingers are sore from the unfamiliarity of the strings, but I continued regardless. I sang for a short while as well and it was incredible.
This morning, I picked up the guitar again. I had just listened to a song by Mumford and Sons and became motivated. I listened to the chords and played it by ear, then began singing to it and suddenly was wrought with emotions that I don’t like to express. I am not keen on crying, but I was so happy and the lyrics struck a chord within my soul. It was in every way how I felt.
Right in this moment I feel more like my old self than I have in years. It feels like the light that I had inside of me is starting to poke its way out again. No one should have to lose a piece of who they are for any reason. Where there is a will there is a way. To everyone out there who’s world became grim and dark, just know that you will find your way out of it. It takes time, it took me 12 years, but I’m finally coming back!
People never change, I say this because throughout my life I have maintained the same core beliefs, the same personality, I just was forced to adjust every now and then. I never changed who I was, I just was prevented from doing things that I loved and that felt like chains holding me down. Now those restraints are gone and I am free again! I don’t think the world is ready for the real Lauren Marie in her true deadly form!
Everything always happens for a reason, I needed to go through hard times to know I am even stronger than I let people think (which is pretty bad ass). If my brother’s are reading this some day, sorry for your ear drums but the cheeky Lauren who used to sing random sentences and dance around like a loon is back! Brace yourself!
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